Fiancé trying to break up

[Baibai]

I have been dating my fiancé since December 2008. He's been amazing beyond what I thought was even possible. He proposed to me on January 1st 2010. Since then I’ve noticed a slight change in his behavior. Once our families met. He told me that his parents don't approve as they don't want him living with my mother. (My mother is old, and sick and doesn't work, divorced, and at the end of the day she doesn’t have anyone else around) He understood that the whole time we were dating that eventually he will be living with her. So he talked his parents into saying yes they agree. A few days following he stated he cannot deal with living with my mother as it will be too hard for him as his privacy is important and he would like to have friends over and such and it wouldn't be possible. So I told him houses are built in a lot ways and we can find something that has two units and it can work. He said okay everything is fine. We officially got engaged with our families. The next day he started acting weird. So I asked him what's going on. He said he had a problem with my mother covering (we are both Muslim, but my mother is the only one who covers her face only letting her eyes show). I told him there's nothing I can do and that I can't believe he's asking me to ask her to take it off. We talked it out he said the subject is now closed. After a few days we were overall okay not 100% of course. So the next week he says. He needs to have the option of living with his parents after we have kids and it’s not possible with me and tried to break up. He last week stated I would never ask you to live with my parents and gave a scenario where his mom was driving him crazy. He was planning on moving out when I first met him.. but decided not to as he will be getting a place with me when we are married. * I reasoned with him and said we can all live under one house and he can't keep going back and forth on his commitment to me. He said "I want to be such a jerk to you that you break it off with me. Just leave me". I asked why he said that the next day and he said cause he couldn't think of a solution at that time, and that now he is 100% and he wants to marry me. I can't keep doing this with him every week and I was wondering if you had any insight to what's going on in his head. He said he loves me more than ever and wants to do this but changes his mind. He's acting completely bi polar. In the afternoon he says he's ashamed of his behavior and at night he stands by it. I'm lost what to do. This has been going on for over 2 months and I feel I’m losing my sanity. I just don't know what to do at this point. Please advise if this is a big red flag on how he will handle stress for the rest of his life or if you believe its growing pains, or its abnormal in anyway.

*

Thanks for listening,

[abitbroken]

There are several solutions. Some people buy houses that have in-law apartments. It is a single bedroom and kitchen area with a separate entrance. The relative is on the same property and the family can check on them, but they live independently. This has worked out for many people - it gives the married couple privacy as no one is walking in on them unannounced and it gives the other person the dignity of keeping up with their own friends and doing as they please too. Also, there are assisted living facilities where people live in their own apartment but help is nearby if needed. Also, if your mother is 95 years old (I don't know how old she is), he would have to take into account that she won't be around for 40 more years. That if she did live with you it would be for 10 years or less most likely.

 

I am glad, however, that he is saying this now than leaving you in 10 years. Maybe he isn't the right guy for you if he doesn't value your elders like you do. Being able to have time alone as a couple is a valid concern, however, and perhaps you need to also set some boundaries with your mother's care. If she truly can do things for herself, etc, then you need to make a space in your life for a husband. I have found there are situations where the elder person doesn't really need as much constant care as people think, but its a codependent relationship where the younger person feels they and they alone have to do it all.

 

Also, if his parents drive him crazy maybe he needs to explore that relationship and resolves his issues with them first because it seems like he is jumping from one situation into another just to get away from them.

[lavenderdove]

Is he being pressured to marry for family reasons? by that i mean, is there any chance he just doesn't really want to marry, or not so soon? You've only known each other a year.

 

If i were you, i'd put off the wedding for at least another year or 18 months, until he is really sure he wants to marry, and can stay consistent in his desire to marry for at least 6 months before the marriage.

 

You could also consider getting some pre-marital counseling to address why he is so hot and cold on the idea. But i would never proceed with a marriage when the groom is showing so much desire to NOT get married. He has to either decide he really wants to do it, or recognize that he doesn't and quit jerking you around.

[Baibai]

Thanks for your feeback.

 

He's not being pressured by his parents as he has an older brother who is yet to be married. I did not place ant pressure to propose. It was all his timeline. When I ask him if he's scared of marriage or if he wants to post pone. He says he's fine and wants to go ahead. I just don't know what to do. He says tge issues he brings up are honest concerns of his and that I'm the only one for him and there is a natural fear of marriage and it's a guy thing... But I can't sit back and wait for the next issue. It just feels neverending.

[lavenderdove]

My advice would be to just postpone the marriage. Perhaps he is this anxious kind of person who blows hot and cold all the time... do you want to marry such a person?

 

If he can't go at least 6 months without sounding panicked about marriage, i wouldn't marry him. So i wouldn't set a date for the marriage until he can go six months without suggesting you break up.

 

I would tell him point blank that every time he brings up a concern, you will discuss it, but eventually he needs to either decide everything is fine, or you need to break up.