Are these good reasons to be in love?

[NewDater]

I have been going out with someone for 6 months now. She is very caring, deeply attached, honest, loving, loyal, and supportive. We get along great and I do love her and care for her. I learned alot from her spiritualy and emotionally. She loves me so much she actually took a depo-shot for me which is a shocker to her friends bc she feels very strongly on pro-life. I am pro-choice at the moment. We like to do things together. We have many things in common. I dont think we can get bored of each other.

 

My probelem is. She has some defects or characterisitics that bother me and im not sure if they are petty or not. Or if I can live with them.

1. she is very messy. Its almost like a kid lying around but I think will get better. She is ADD.

2. part time mom with 3 kids that im afraid will damage our relationship in the future when the get old. I hear teenagers are tough.

3. I dont see any finanical benefit for me at this time but she is school. I know it should be about money which im trying to over look this but I cant afford to be married at this time. I think with 3 kids she better bring some dough to the table.

4. It seems all she has to offer is her Love, caring, and support which is great. Are they any other things an SO should bring to the table. Maybe im looking at this the wrong way. She did say being married and together is about doing things together and making a life together. She was willing to alter her school goals around our relationship bc she wanted me to be in her life along the way. I guess this is how it works.

5. I am not a drinker and she seems to drink alot. Lately she drinks a daquarii a day for the past week. and I am a non drinker in recovery but she doesnt seem to be threat t my sobreity tho.

 

I don't know if I shall stay with her. I was thinking of having a kid with her but I dont know. Would you stay with somone that loved you deeply and had not other benefits to bring? Or am I looking at this love the wrong way? I have never been in love before. Oh. I was thinking of proposing to her on our year anniv.

[millaj]

Hmmm.. well obviously you do love her too, since you are thinking of proposing to her. How long have you been dating her? It's hard when you are dating someone and you feel like you aren't sure yet, but they may feel like they are completely sure.

 

I'm kinda in the same boat. The person I am dating has a lot to offer emotionally, spiritually, etc.. but she also is messy, has add, some temper issues, and does have a child as well. The kid isn't a flaw, but when dating someone with a kid you always have to take that into consideration.. cuz if you commit to them, then you aren't only committing to be in the woman's life, but the kids life too.. they are living, breathing, human beings with feelings and attachments.

 

I think you are considering things right. A lot of people play too much on emotions and not logic. Then later these things they knew would be issues, make a reason to get a divorce. Find out what issues you are willing to accept and which issues you aren't.. then feel good about your decisions.

 

It's good advice for myself too.

[NewDater]

thanks millaj. I would keep that in mind. I do have an idea on what things I will tolerate or not. It seems I am mostly logic and she is not. I guess thats the typical male and female views. hehe

[millaj]

lol. yea it seems so, but I am a woman dating a woman and most of the time in the past my relationships have been emotional-emotional, but I am trying to be the logical one this time around, because I am tired of going through the same stuff over and over again.

[alli]

I would not rush an engagement if you aren't entirely certain. In fact I would probably wait until at leat the 2 year anniversary.

 

I guess I can see your predicament because it's a bit similar to mine. I've been with my fiance for 2 years, and while he has some good qualities, he is also messy (which means I spend a lot of time cleaning) & while he has a good paying job, I'm paying for most of the bills for "us"- mortgage, utilities, internet, etc. But I didn't know this was how things would pan out until after we got engaged, and now we're supposed to get married in a few months... Had I waited until our 2-year anniversary I wouldn't be in this situation.

 

Anyway, didn't mean to take over your thread here. But if you aren't sure, why not wait it out a bit & see what happens. I always figured that everyone has flaws, and breaking up & finding a new person would only be trading one flaw for another. But then you wonder, maybe another person really is a better match for you? But you will never know it if you stay. Then again, maybe it will work out well, but again you would never know if you ended it too soon.

[NewDater]

I know alli. Tough call. I have dated around many people and never clicked with anyone like I do with her. We all have flaws. I guess I am afraid to make the wrong decision here. I am a perfectionist whhich is my flaw. lol

[Crazyaboutdogs]

1. she is very messy. Its almost like a kid lying around but I think will get better. She is ADD. Messy people are messy people...that is how they live their life. Don't expect that to change...what you see is what you get. As an organized person who hates clutter and mess, I can tell you that I could never live with someone who is messy. You might be too young to remember the TV sitcom "The Odd Couple", two roommates living together, one was neat the other messy. It made for great comedy, but that was TV, not real life.

2. part time mom with 3 kids that im afraid will damage our relationship in the future when the get old. I hear teenagers are tough. This is a very important consideration...are you prepared to be a step-dad to three children. Are you prepared that they will take first place in her life. This is not just one, but three children! What about the father of her children...how does he factor in? You are only 6 months into the relationship and I think it is too soon to be thinking of marriage when you don't really know how it will be to be dealing with her three children on a daily basis.

3. I dont see any finanical benefit for me at this time but she is school. I know it should be about money which im trying to over look this but I cant afford to be married at this time. I think with 3 kids she better bring some dough to the table. Be careful that she is not just looking for a bank account to help support her and her three children. What is the financial set-up with the father of her children? Please don't be clouded by the fact that she must be in love if she got the Depo shot for you...she did that for her, not for you. I would not take that as a sign of love...just a sign that she wants to protect her interests, after all, she does have three children already and is a single mom.

4. It seems all she has to offer is her Love, caring, and support which is great. Are they any other things an SO should bring to the table. Maybe im looking at this the wrong way. She did say being married and together is about doing things together and making a life together. She was willing to alter her school goals around our relationship bc she wanted me to be in her life along the way. I guess this is how it works. Yes, love, caring, support and doing things together is indeed very important in a relationship, but you can't overlook the practical issues, because the practical issues are often what ends up being a real stumbling block in relatinships....finances, children, step children, discipline of the children etc.

5. I am not a drinker and she seems to drink alot. Lately she drinks a daquarii a day for the past week. and I am a non drinker in recovery but she doesnt seem to be threat t my sobreity tho. You definitely need to keep an eye out on whether this was just a week of having a drink a day or if she does this on a routine basis. Only time will tell.

[NewDater]

I do know that show. The odd couple. LOL She actually mentioned that was who we are and was the reason we broke up the first time. I agree that is the way she lives her life period messy and chaos. I am the opposite non-chaotic and clean.

 

Well the father of the children is an not common case. He is very involved still and they get along nice. I even met him and he is a nice guy. There seems to be no drama between them.

 

Nmber 3 I think the set up is OK. She is not about the money at all. I am pretty sure of it. I am usually good at sensing that.

She is very pro-life like I said and would never take the depo-shot on her own. She even regrets that she did it. She would have 3 more kids if GOD would give it to her. but 4 is plenty for me.

 

4. Thanks I will keep practical.

 

5. The drinking thing seems to be up and down. It goes in phases. She actually just started drinking often a year ago.

 

I do see some things to consider and I am getting more signs of just being freinds with her.

[millaj]

You broke up before? How long was the separation? What made you come back?

[NewDater]

Update. We finally broke up. Its hard but im dealing with it. We actually both came to an agreement. She also admits she is being selfish here and not compromising with me on any issues we are having. She also says now she does not know if she is ready for a serious relationship anymore because she has never been sinlge that much in her whole life. She always had someone to depend on. We are still friends bc she is the closest person I have right now. I am dealing with some hurt and sadness.