how much room to give a someone's recovering ex-girlfriend/my best friend

[OSJames]

I started attending a new college at the beginning of this semester and I met a girl in line for class registration. She was my first friend there and I even met all of my other friends through her, in some way. We became pretty close friends but she was dating a guy whom she had been with for 5 years. Their relationship was pretty serious. He had even given her a ring. (not engagement, but pretty close) Anyways, he broke up with her about a month ago and it was really hard on her. (She doesn’t even know why) She didn’t go to class for like a week and would barely eat or anything. She’s usually okay now, but gets pretty bummed out when she starts thinking about him. Well she came home with me on spring break (last Friday) and we got a lot closer. She thought we should kiss, so we did. She said what happened on spring break stayed here, and the next night we slept together. I know she was using me as a rebound, she told me. And we’re best friends so I know that she’s still in love with him. Well that night we were making love I had to decide to want her physically and emotionally.. And I think that’s where it went wrong. Because I do really care about her, and I think I am attached. But I know I can’t like her like that. I know I need to give her plenty of room to get over this guy… and it will be a really long time before she’s ready to be with someone else. I know I can’t keep my feelings for her like that and wait for her, but I do want to be with her. We probably shouldn’t have gotten physical. And I shouldn’t have started wanting her. I know its my responsibility to maintain a distance from her and not wonder about “us”, no matter how much I want her. But how much distance should I keep?

[atelis]

well it depends on what your motives are. if you were both friends, then you both acted very selfishly to stuff up your friendship for the sake of a quick bang. If you are attached, then a friendship won't work because a friendship can only work if both parties are on an equal footing. I guess you need to work out what you want and then go from there........if you do want a relationship, i would let it go for a few months and see where you both are then

[jettison]

People are really fond of saying "don't play games", but if that other someone presents a Chutes & Ladders game to you, pulls out the pieces, and starts making moves accross the board, then what are you going to do? Play solitaire? You either play the game or you get out. The question is, which game to play?

 

a) Don't play the game. This involves being all classy/cool/mature. Tell her, "I really like you a lot, and I can't just be your friend. Sorry, but we're over. My feelings for you are too strong."

 

b) Play the game, but make it seem like you're not playing the game. Tell her, "It's too bad you're so hung up on your boyfriend. Your loss." Disappear. Let her come to you and change the dynamic.

 

c) Play the game, her game. Keep doing what you're doing. Be polite. Be a friend. Be there for her when she's sad or lonely. Always make it clear that you want more, and accept it when it comes, but don't get too awfully upset when she cries on your shoulder over her ex-boyfriend, and then eventually says, "You're the sweetest friend I've ever had. What do you think the best way to get my boyfriend back would be?"

 

If you don't choose "b", I'm thinking that this won't turn out very well for you in the end. I've been wrong before. Heck, I'm wrong all the time. Still, it's quite uncanny just how often I'm right. ;-)

[OSJames]

I'm leaning toward option "c".. and option "b" looks interesting, but I do really care about her. I want what's best for her and I want her to be okay. I don't want it to look like I'm just disappearing on her, she deserves better than that.. and it would just seem really selfish on my part.

[jettison]

I'm leaning toward option "c".. and option "b" looks interesting, but I do really care about her. I want what's best for her and I want her to be okay. I don't want it to look like I'm just disappearing on her, she deserves better than that.. and it would just seem really selfish on my part.

 

That's the rub. If they know you could disappear on them, but you don't actually do it, they love you forever.

[EQIQ]

Well my man, looks like she is got your heart on a platter... I say to watch for yourself, don't get hurt in the process... but I can't really see this ending any other way. Unless you do what jettison said, and stand up for yourself, maybe that way she will respect you and consider you as a possible mate, and not a buddy to get over the ex with.

[minou]

Absolutely no reason to disappear. This is your close friend. You care about her. You haven't actually been in a relationship. If you disappear now, it will simply be uncaring. Be her friend. Let her know you need to pull back on the sexual overtones because she is not over the other guy yet. If love will develop in the future, this is the best way.