He's planning to move away.

[tattoobunnie]

So after a year of his house being on the market, ex #2 has finally accepted an offer on his house. He found out and told me yesterday. And while I know he only has plans to move a bit further out from me, oddly my heart sank. He's so excited to get out of the area. I went over and did a mini-celebration with him last night.

 

Over time, I have been learning more about myself, my hot buttons, triggers, and this one being a feeling of abandonment. When he says, "I can't wait to get out of here," for some reason I hear, "I can't get away to start all over, and move on from you."

 

We're not together. We are still sleeping together; Have plans for a trip at the end of this month. And my heart feels heavy. Like I feel the urge to put up big wall to protect myself as he is preparing to leave. Nothing has been finalized. No contract has been signed.

 

My gut instinct is to run away. And on the other hand, I want to tell him how I feel; my own understanding of myself, how much I'll miss him...which pretty much is exposing more of my own baggage. I want him to be happy, and at the same time I know I don't have him, but it feels like I'm losing him even more so. I'm really aiming to not pull my go-to reactions. And really come from a place of openness, love and good faith.

 

What can be done, or should nothing be done?

[LoveSoDeep]

You said it yourself honey, you're not together. For whatever reason this man is not committing himself to the kind of relationship you want from him. He is unable or unwilling to give you what you need...that in itself should make you want to run.

 

On top of that you're sending him mixed signals...when he told you this news you said "your heart sank" and you felt worried and abandonded....but what did you do? You went over and celebrated with him....he's probably thinking you are happy for him, and while I know part of you is, there's another big part that is freaking out.

 

If you have any desire to work things out with this man I think you need to clear things up with him and yes, expose all your baggage for what it is...and then either he will accept it and work on a relationship with you or he will walk away...hiding the baggage is not going to change this outcome it's just going to push it off until a later date and possibly cause you more pain when you finally get around to it.

[tattoobunnie]

I feel like why even bother...

 

We had a nice weekend, got to hash some stuff out, have fun. I was oddly feeling hopeful. Things seem different. Then the news on Sunday came. I've known it since I've met him that he's been wanting to move. At times, it'd only be for a neighborhood close by, but now that we're not together, he has nothing here to really keep him too close by. The area he wants to move is to is so much closer to his job.

 

I don't know. One more comment, one more moment of sharing...does it ever really make a difference?

 

I am pretty sick of making it about me...

 

I just need to let him go. I'm not sure if that's the I feel like I'm getting replaced talk in me.

[tattoobunnie]

He told me this weekend how all his friends thought he "f-ed up" things between us. We talked about how my baggage drove him away. I really want the best for him. But I'm conflicted in knowing that what I really want is him.

 

I could be honest and tell him how I feel...again. We've talked about how we're not getting back together. Would it make any difference? Should I wait until after our trip to cut ties?

[adviseseeker]

Wait, you've been sleeping together yet you had a talk about how you're not getting back together? That would really freak me out and think he's just getting his cake and eating it too...but then you guys have had conversations about things at the same time, except you aren't quite sure if you really do want him either. This seems like a really complicated situation

 

I wouldn't get too worried about him moving and being excited about it, since you've known about it for a while I'm sure you were preparing for him to go farther away when it did eventually happen, but at least he's not going that far (is he?) and him being excited about it has nothing to do with his feelings for you so don't take it personally. I think telling him about how you'll miss him and talk about your feelings will maybe bring down his mood...he's excited about it right now and it'll probably push him farther away to show him that in some tiny way you don't approve of his choices. Maybe just be happy for him for now, eventually he'll probably start to think about things on his own when moving becomes more of a reality - I mean nothing has been finalized yet he probably is caught up in the excitement and hasn't settled down yet.

 

I don't think I'm up to date on this situation though...is this an ex that has popped back in to your life and you're not sure what you want from him?

[1guygirl]

tattoo...yeah the whole "im moving away" thing really is the sh*ts...and it stings

 

i was devastated, and i think he liked that reaction in me, but he was still all "the doors always open for you here if you need a place to run, and theres a big bed for you" ....in other words i can go to his when hes not in africa and india, sit in his house waiting for him to come home from work then shag him all night, come home 4.5hrs on the train and prob head f***ed even more. SO....after getting crumbs for texts, I told him i was going NC, and its hard but I took back some control and dignity from the situation he served up. Mabes this wouldnt be a bad idea for you either?

 

It feels really like abandonment the way they can just flit off on some whim leaving ya behind shocked and devo'd....its a blow to get back up from i can tell ya

[tattoobunnie]

I'm really trying to get the drama out of my life...it keeps following me. If it's not this thing, it another thing I got dragged into between my Bestie and this girl. He's planning to starting looking this weekend for places. Sure it's not super far away, but really, a change of place, a change in life...no room for the old & the exed.

 

We always talk and say we won't hook up, but wind up hooking up. #2 is the one I broke up with in September. I aim to cut ties, but he finds window to crawl through. I now don't see this as a message that he wants me back. I think of it as more as I'm there to fill a void until something better comes along.

 

Ugh, we have such a nice trip planned in a few weeks. Should I rip off the band-aid now or later?

[tattoobunnie]

That's the thing...I don't know if it's my issues of abandonment that is making me blow up this situation in my mind...build up a wall...or if I should look at this rationally...and just let things just be.

[tattoobunnie]

I'm really trying to not repeat my past mistakes in pushing people away...so I'm kinda lost on what to do.

[TearsofFate]

tattoobunny...if you guys are sleeping together he has to know that you have feelings for him. It's not fair to you that he can just sleep with you, if you love him, and he might not.

 

I wouldn't get too depressed of him moving away. If it's not going to be that much further it doesn't really make a difference. I think you are mainly sad because you feel like, in a sense, that he's getting even further away from you. Emotion-wise he isn't getting any further from you and that's all that should matter.

 

If he is having sex with you, then you two should be together, or else you are going to get hurt. Maybe you should take this opportunity of him moving away to move on yourself. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you to be in, and it's just making you miserable while he is all happy.

[tattoobunnie]

I've tried getting back together with him for the past six months.

 

Perhaps I just need to tell him we can't be friends anymore.

[LoveSoDeep]

He told me this weekend how all his friends thought he "f-ed up" things between us. We talked about how my baggage drove him away. I really want the best for him. But I'm conflicted in knowing that what I really want is him.

 

I could be honest and tell him how I feel...again. We've talked about how we're not getting back together. Would it make any difference? Should I wait until after our trip to cut ties?

 

This is what stands out to me. You two have already talked and you somehow came to the conclusion that you are not getting back together. Now since you seem to want him back I assume that it is him keeping you apart at this point.

 

I'm sorry but I really think you need to just let him go. He doesn't even seem to be saying maybe there's a chance.....to me he seems to be saying it just won't happen no matter what and if a guy told me that....I'd be crushed but I'd know it was time to move on. If you wanna have one last talk with him to be sure I guess that's up to you but if that is where he stands you really deserve better.

[tattoobunnie]

I know...gotta rip off the bandaid. I'm just not sure if I should tell him before or after the trip. We're looking forward to it, and it's in a few weeks.

 

It's a once in a lifetime thing we're going to see.

[LoveSoDeep]

Honestly....and I need a trip more than anything right now...but if I was in your shoes I'd still do it before. It will be 100 times harder after a nice trip.

[tattoobunnie]

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Casmut]

Tattoo like you have told me, we all have to jump down that rabbit hole at some point but it is a lot easier said than done. In my opinion i think you should tell him how you feel before the trip for the reasons LoveSoDeep stated.

 

I understand how you feel Tattoo, 6 months is a long time to be pursuing and i am right there with you at 5 months. Sometimes it feels like you are going nowhere but never give up on it. Fight it till the end and see what happens. It is easy to think of not being friends and going NC but then you may have regrets when that happens.

 

Even if you talked about not getting back together, it doesn't mean its impossible. Those are simple words, and remember actions speak louder than words. So who know what will happen, but all i am saying is don't give up.

[tattoobunnie]

I'm such a sham.

 

I wanna apologize. You're all so supportive. I go on an on about how I'm gonna stop talking to my ex. I even tell him about it, and totally psyche myself up for it, then I keep delaying the inevitable / or just get hopeful / get complacent / feel the exact opposite days later / just do whatever.

 

While I do know what I want, I have not yet been able to get to the point of flat out ignoring him. He texts cute things, I reply. He offers me things, I accept.

 

I am plagued by knowing the old me, tough as nails who doesn't take crap, to how I am now...a total flip-flopper. I said I was gonna stop hanging out with him a week ago, and so far we've spent another two evenings together. There's no mind jedi-tricks or feelings that I'm missing out on him...I just wanna see him, and he wants to see me.

 

Every rulebook, piece of advice would be going * * * .

 

I just flat out don't care I guess with what happens. I wanna be with him, and I want him to be with me. He doesn't fill my head with fluff. It is what it is.

 

In fact when I was sharing about how he said that I was wasting my time, I didn't bother to mention the beginning part of the conversation, and pretty much put those words in his mouth.

 

I know it's the intimacy withdrawals I will have to let us both have. It's been incredible hard for him to let me go...so it's been hard for me to move on. Sometimes I'm not concerned about things, cuz I've got a lot of good things going on, so I lose my momentum. It's almost like quitting cigarettes, or saying no to a puppy dog face.

 

I'd had such an easier time if I could tap into my badass crazy no turning back mentality, or he just became a real jerk...he's been super nice to me lately.

 

He tries to casually bring up my "I want to move on" discussion, but I don't wanna talk about it. I just have to actually do it.

[LoveSoDeep]

Wow. I don't knwo what to say.

 

I guess it's important that you know that you are the only one who can make this happen and you're right it is like smoking and if you don't want to stop (and I mean really want to stop) then you just won't do it. So you know what your doing is probably bad for you and you've decided to do it anyways....well you're an adult and no one else can make you do anything. I guess if you're okay with wasting time with him them that's up to you. Personally, I wouldd be getting the heck outa Dodge...but that's just me.

[tattoobunnie]

I am fully aware that I am wasting my time. It's been in the forefront on my mind the past month.

 

I started out thinking I should work through my personal issues, try something different instead of running away, that I'm a giant commitmentphobe, I didn't treat him well, so I'm making up for it...the list goes on. And yes, I did tremendously grow during this time, worked through and realized alot of things about myself, and am doing things completely differently, and communicating well...I feel weird just dropping him.

 

Like dropping off a little puppy at the pound that hasn't done anything wrong, but doesn't fit in your life. Breaking up with my ex, ha...I laugh at that...what a weird place I am in.

 

Then I think maybe I've gotten too soft in my later years, less reckless, too patient, or just too lazy...or I'm just really enjoying life and not worrying about the future as I've always have. Or is that an excuse? I don't know. Probably is.

 

Someone just recommended doing a slow fade, so I don't get the lash of him reacting.

 

I know some people recommended distancing, others letting him know...when I tell him, he amps up the wooing. And even though we're exs, he hasn't done anything horrific that warrants flat out ignoring. So, I think I'm just gonna have to fade out. Weening.

 

Keep in mind, I use terms like puppy, weening, and I don't think of him like that...it's just to give it some words, make it easier I guess to go through with it.

[TryingVeryHard]

Wait.. So... I thought you wanted him back?

[tattoobunnie]

I do...but as common knowledge, if the other person doesn't want to reconcile, the other person has to move on.

[TryingVeryHard]

Oh... I was getting the impression that he had been acting interested as of late

[Hopelives]

I do...but as common knowledge, if the other person doesn't want to reconcile, the other person has to move on.

Sometimes its okay to be still and not do anything... and its okay to mourn the loss of a friend who is moving away.

 

Sometimes the distance allows the love to seep back in.

 

I'm sorry he's moving away from you. That has to hurt. I see his comment, however, as wanting something from you to reassure him that you are really over being with him... and yet, you are not.

[tattoobunnie]

Oh... I was getting the impression that he had been acting interested as of late

 

He has been interested periodically, and we talk about it...but it goes back and forth. And it very well, go on like this, if I let it for years. After 7 months of this, I'm really tired. I've done all I can do.

 

I really need to just back to my needs. Be open to other possibilities.

[tattoobunnie]

Sometimes its okay to be still and not do anything... and its okay to mourn the loss of a friend who is moving away.

 

Sometimes the distance allows the love to seep back in.

 

I'm sorry he's moving away from you. That has to hurt. I see his comment, however, as wanting something from you to reassure him that you are really over being with him... and yet, you are not.

 

Well, that's an interesting way to put it. Though, even if it was that, I still need more. He tells me that he's in love with me, that he loves me. Just doesn't love me enough.

 

And he's not moving super far away, I just over-react to people moving.