This was going to be about reconciling, but...

[Gentry_2000]

So after three weeks in which the ex was seeing if the grass was in fact greener, I got a late night call...she had made a 'big mistake' and wanted us to try and see if things could work out.

 

The last week included us hanging out every day. We were together for Valentine's Day and what would have been our two year anniversary. There was not pressure...just spending time together. She said that she hadn't committed anything to an 'us,' but she was a big proponent of sleeping over most nights...although that did not include being intimate. She would talk about our potential future such as what she wanted her wedding to be like, the possible names she had picked out for our potential children, and what those children would be like. It was good, fun, and seemed like genuine baby-steps towards a better future.

 

So...as I understood things, she wanted to take it slow, but also wanted to try again (without actually making a commitment). I was making effort, but it seems she was going through the paces and testing just about every one of my actions and reactions.

 

After only a week and a day of 'reconciling' the other shoe dropped, just as I was fearing/expecting. She told me via text she would be spending tomorrow night watching a television program over at the 'other guy's' place. The 'other guy' was the man she was with for three weeks after she left our relationship.

 

I let her know I was uncomfortable with the situation and this was one boundary that I don't feel I could be flexible with. Yes, I did say that they could be friends, but I wasn't expecting an encounter within two weeks of them being together. I envisioned it as a possibility after we solidified our own situation and once we were both comfortable with the state of the renewed relationship. Her response is that I was backtracking and that I would never be fine with it...and that she was going to do whatever she wanted to do and not answer to anybody.

 

I found her reaction lacking empathy and bit extreme. She could spend time with anybody and I wouldn't care...but somebody she had recently slept with and was considering a relationship with only days before? I think her spending time with the 'other guy' while things are so fresh is a headscratcher. She texted to ask if I don't trust her. My response was to ask 'do you not respect me or my feelings?' I want to be open minded, but you have to draw the line somewhere. These actions suggest she really isn't working too hard to see if this will work. Further, it doesn't seem like it'd work anyway if I allow situations like this to occur...to be a doormat or allow this to be thrown in my face wouldn't appear to make me too attractive of a mate.

 

In the end, I had to say that I guess if she feels she needs to spend time with this person its best if we not talk further. I really don't want to be forced to take this route. I wanted to see where this would go...I understand it would be a slow process requiring patience. But what she is asking here, this is a different animal entirely, no?

[DN]

In the end, I had to say that I guess if she feels she needs to spend time with this person its best if we not talk further.

What was her response to this.

 

I think you made an error agreeing that it would be OK with you if she remained friends with this guy but you are right to do what you have done. Seems to me she is wanting to keep both of you on a string.

[red.ribbon]

Ugh, sorry this has happened just as things were looking up.

 

She is being completely selfish and inconsiderate, do not for one second think that your reaction is back stepping.

 

How did she respond to you saying she wasn't considering your feelings?

[Gentry_2000]

What was her response to this.

 

I think you made an error agreeing that it would be OK with you if she remained friends with this guy but you are right to do what you have done. Seems to me she is wanting to keep both of you on a string.

 

Her response was that she had not made any commitments to us, that she was being honest with me, and that she had no intention of persuing the situation with the other guy further...that they were only hanging out as friends. As such, I should be okay with how the situation was being handled.

 

She said if I couldn't handle her spending time with him then she was fine with my decision...that she realizes she didn't need me in her life and she'd be fine. In essence, she was very defensive. She asked for me to put her remaining belongings out and that she would pick them up (which I did, but she did not pick up). Honestly, this has occurred before in the relationship...she would react emotionally and take all her stuff or remove mine, only to later retract those actions. Obviously though, now that we are truly not together, each negative interaction further erodes whatever connection still remains.

[Gentry_2000]

Ugh, sorry this has happened just as things were looking up.

 

She is being completely selfish and inconsiderate, do not for one second think that your reaction is back stepping.

 

How did she respond to you saying she wasn't considering your feelings?

 

She did acknowledge my words and stated that she could understand how someone may feel as I did, but that she didn't owe me anything and hadn't made a formal commitment (regardless if she has stated she wants 'us' to work and wants to spend the better part of most days with me). She then redirected the conversation to recognize her own honesty ("I could have just not told you") and my retraction of an earlier statement that I wouldn't have a problem if the two of them were to remain friends.

 

She's just been so hot and cold since all this started almost a month back. The weekend was great and we had already made plans for last night prior to her texting me about the latest development with the other guy. It's a roller coaster ride almost daily.

[IntotheWild]

It's a roller coaster ride almost daily.

 

Sounds like it. You made the right decision. Time to stay out of that amusement park for good. Rollercoasters are best left to the kids.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Her reaction to you makes it crystal clear that she was stringing you along. It is quite possible that this guy had dumped her and now wanted her back. Notice how she spent the night but didn't get intimate with you...I wonder if she was waiting for this other guy to come back into her life. You did the right thing by kicking her to the curb. She was just using you for an ego boost.

[TearsofFate]

Yeah she is keeping both you and the other guy on a string. The reason why she is being so inconsiderate of your feelings is because she probably thinks she has both of you on leashes and that you and the other guy arn't going anywhere.

It sounds like you really want a serious relationship with her and no more of this pointless game she is playing.

She needs to make up her mind, and if her mind is set on being with this other guy too then you deserve so much better than that. She doesn't seem to give a crap about how you feel about the situation at all.

You did agree that they could be friends however.

I had a similar situation with my ex actually....

I was really uncomfortable with him talking to his ex. At first he said stuff like "I'm not going to stop talking to my best friend, why are you so paranoid?" but then he realized later on that I was dead serious and not taking any BS, so he agreed to stop talking to her.

[Gentry_2000]

What's really odd is that this other guy is apparently leaving town in a few months, so she really has nothing to gain with that other situation.

 

Also, nothing happened between us that would raise a flag in regards to rebuilding our relationship over the past week. Just received the text that she was going to be hanging out with him out of the blue. She later called and asked a question about our plans that very evening without even addressing the fact that she had plans to be with the other person the next night. It was as though she was under the impression that I was completely fine with it. Again, yes, I said they could at some point renew their friendship, but who really believes that it is a good idea less than two weeks after she was admittedly pursuing something more?

[jimmajam]

Unless this was some long time friend, I would have never agreed to be okay with them staying friends. I'm assuming this was a fling and really there's no need for her to stay that close to him especially after what happened. Sure you might trust her, but it's really just bad taste and kind of sketchy.

 

I actually find it pretty disrespectful that she'd even push that button just as you two were working things out and spending time together with obvious hope that you'd get back together (with all the talk about the future). I would have done the exact same as you did in the situation. I would let her know how I felt about it, uncomfortable and if she gave me that snobby answer I would have let her do what she wanted and went my own way. I know it's a cloudy situation at this point, but from what you've written it's obvious you guys were working towards something more than just friends. I really wouldn't trust her with that attitude.

 

Unless she is willing to compromise I'd let her go and see how she likes her decision. My ex was similar, never willing to compromise when I mentioned I was uncomfortable with something she was doing. She always wanted to do what she wanted and if I didn't agree, I was the bad guy.

[Gentry_2000]

The other guy is a friend from her past...one who she says she values regardless whether she is still interested in a relationship with him. That's why I was open to them renewing a friendship once our own relationship achieved some degree of stability.

 

On that note she kept stating that she had not intention of hooking up with anybody and questioned why I didn't trust her. From my vantage point that answer should be clear....b/c she was intimate with him two weeks ago. I don't think you can just shut that off...and furthermore, it's rare that people have intentions prior to hooking up...you always hear how it 'just happened.'

 

It's very odd that she cannot see the situation from my shoes. Anyhow, I thought I may receive some communication prior to their meeting this evening...it's looking like that will not be the case.

[JBaker]

If you don't have a problem with them renewing their friendship eventually, you should voice that to her, in that way. You could tell her that you think that you two should get things a little more on track before she renews this friendship.

[Gentry_2000]

If you don't have a problem with them renewing their friendship eventually, you should voice that to her, in that way. You could tell her that you think that you two should get things a little more on track before she renews this friendship.

 

Well tonight she came over to my place unannounced about 20 minutes after the television show ended. She continued to insist she wants nothing to do with this other man romantically, but that she still insisted on spending time with him and would not budge.

 

I tried to explain my angle...the idea behind no contact...the fact that I was more concerned of how it created obstacles and roadblocks in our own reconcilation rather than her initial idea that I was strictly concerned with her having sex with him. I tried to be flexible, even suggesting that I wouldn't have a problem if they went with groups to happy hour or watch the television program anywhere but his place in a one on one situation. I was bending, but she still was not.

 

She went so far as to say she brought the situation to a handful of her friends and each decided that I was entirely off-base and she should walk away immediately from anyone that would suggest that she no longer spend time with this guy. That to make such a request was controlling and indicated that I had insecurity issues of my own that need to be dealt with. Who are these people?

 

I ended the conversation in saying that I would contemplate what we had discussed. I am trying to meet her halfway and then some...it just seems if I relent, it'll cause more harm than good...but if I stay with my original premise, will I stick to my guns? Honestly, it does appear that she is over the guy, but it's more about the prinicipal of empathy...and then again, who knows what a few drinks in a one on one situation may lead to?

[JBaker]

Unfortunately, now that she has brought it up to her friends and they have reacted the way that they have, she is unlikely to budge an inch. She won't want to lose face with them, since they have come out so strongly against your position.

 

I have to agree... who are these people? It isn't like you are telling her she can never be friends with this guy. You are just asking her to wait temporarily until things are a little more solid between the two of you. This does not seem to be an unreasonable request to me. Perhaps your ex and her friends misinterpreted what you were asking to mean that she could never be friends?

 

The options that seem available are to either stick with your guns, which will cause problems and probably end the relationship, or give in to her.

[DN]

Well, it is easy to quote her friends but even if they do support her that is what friends do - even though it is highly unlikely they (or your ex) would agree that you should continue to see another woman under the same circumstances.

 

The bottom line is that this woman has no idea how to conduct a relationship or how to behave while in one. I would walk away from her if I were you - she is too problematical and self-absorbed.