No contact is the way to go..learned the hard way...It WORKS

[beancounter999]

So I've posted here before a few times. To make a long story short I was dumped by my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He was emotionally abusive and controlling, a true roller coaster ride. I found out that he was cheating on me and had been since the beginning and that our whole relationship was basically one big head game. Anyway, after 10 days of no contact I was really starting to feel better. Believe me, I still thought about my ex 54384233 times a day, couldn't sleep, cried every night, etc. The pain was still there, but I was able to have good moments during the day, and those times seemed to get longer and longer each day. My appetite was coming back and I was actually able to have a conversation without bursting into tears.

 

Soooo, after making some progress I receive an email from the ex basically wanting to chit-chat. I told him to go take a hike. No problem. I felt great. Well, ex decided to take a different route and proceeded to send me numerous emails filled with sorrow, regret, all of his pain over letting me go. How messed up and crazy he was. How he wanted to be friends. Couldn't stand the thought of his life without me. He listed all the things he loved and missed about me, about us. He loved me and missed me, etc, etc. I replied, with civility, no frills.

 

Two days of love-filled emails started to break my armor. Day 2 he called me and I stupidly answered. He was outside of my workplace. Wanted a hug and just a short chat. I figured, why not? I wanted closure. I wanted to hear that he loved and missed me. And I was missing him tremendously. I wanted so much to feel his arms around me again. It had been 3 weeks since I had seen him. So we sat outside and chatted. He cried and held my hands in his. Told me of how horrible the past two weeks had been without contact. He couldn't stand me not in his life anymore. I was his best friend. He hugged me. Tenderly caressed my face. Wiped his tears away with my fingers, and proceeded to tell me how well things were progressing with he and his new girl, one of the ones he had cheated on me with. I was flabbergasted! I jumped up and told him I had to go. He pulled me back to him, cried harder and begged me not to leave him. I told him that I could not be friends with him. I did not want to hear about he and his new love interest. I asked him how he could possibly love me and yet have feelings for someone else? He said he didn't know. I was crying at this point as well. I was trying to leave and he was holding me. Telling me that he was not going to let me walk out of his life. After a few minutes of pleading and crying, he let me go. I turned and walked away. I went back to my office and blocked his email address. I shut off my cell phone.

 

That encounter took me two giant steps backwards. All those healing wounds re-opened, and I felt all that agonizing pain that I had felt in the beginning. Sure, I knew he was seeing someone else. And I didn't block his email because deep down I wanted him to contact me. Tell me all the things he eventually did. I wanted to feel his arms around me. Feel his hand on my face. But when all those things happened, and I let my guard down, he just plunged the knife back in again. After those feelings of insecurity and anxiety and hurt came back, I realized that I really had made progress with no contact. Maybe it was just so subtle that I hadn't even realized it. The encounter only left me confused and asking more questions. Why was he pursuing me if he wanted someone else? Why did he need me in his life? Why couldn't he leave me alone? You know what? I will never know the answers to those questions, and he probably doesn't either. I learned a valuable lesson today. In order to really heal you need to have no contact. Contact just confuses and enables us to avoid our feelings. Aren't we just looking for someone else to validate our worth? Reassure? Tell us everything is going to be okay? We need to find those answers in ourselves. It was extremely hard for me to block his email address. Part of me still wants to hear those things, but it is not the wise part of me. But, I'm feeling better already. Because I took control back. I won't have to check my email 600 times a day to see if there's something from him. I know it's going to be hard. I know some days I'm going to want to call him, or curl up and cry all day. But I know my ship is headed in the right direction. \ I'm free and I'm starting to like it.

[melrich]

Hi beancounter,

Glad to hear you are on the up slope. Your post is a great example of what no contact is about...healing yourself, removing pain, getting back to normal. I hope it all works out for you.

[hurt and confused]

Holy crap! That sucks so bad he blasted you after leading you up to something totally different. OMG I have to say I am in a stage behind you right now and I know if my husband did that to me I would be destroyed. As I was reading thru your post, I thought you were going to say the two of you found your way back to each other and it was giving me hope that would happen in my marriage but OMG. I can't even imagine how I would have handled that. You are much further along in your strength to see that no contact is best if you want to heal. I just went 4 days without talking to my husband and I've been missing him terribly. When I talked to him today, it just made me feel like I regressed back to 5 days ago when we got into a big disagreement and now things are even worse between us and it's because he didn't even mention wanting to see me which is what I wanted to hear of course. Instead it was to find out when I would be available to sign the separation papers. BLAH Now I'm back at square one and miserable.

 

How do you get thru those first few weeks of no contact? And how do you not hope and pray that he will send you call and say I love you and I'm sorry and I want to spend my life with you. How do know when it's really over? How much time do you give it? I am still checking my e-mail 600 times a day and feel like a psycho as I picture him not having a care in the world....he sure doesn't act like he gives a rats ass..

[mahlina]

Hi Beancounter999,

 

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. It's tough when we find out that the person that we most loved, cheated on us. It's the worst feeling ever for me. Your ex, sounds like my ex. My recent ex cheated, though I have evidence, he still won't admit it. Now that I moved on and dated, he gets all worked up, and blames everything on me. I tried to be nice to him too, but he was the one who was 'abusive,' lying, controlling, manipulative, immature, and selfish!

 

I know the pain that you're going through, and I know the excitement as well. I want to congradulate you, for being mature about this situation. It's tough, but you seem to be 'coping' with it pretty well. It takes a mature person to realize things, and work on her own problems. So, I give much props to you for being 'wise' about your situaiton.

 

I think that you're right about the 'no contact' part as well. I tried doing that, but everytime I healed, I'd forgive him, which I won't do anymore, not at least for another year! We broke up at the end of last August! For goodness sakes. It's almost been a year! I know what you mean by talking it out with him for 'closure.' It doesn't seem to help. I know what you mean by learning the 'hard way.' I'm GLAD that you realize it though. My best advice is to permanantly 'delete' him out of your life for now. I know that we can't do this in our minds. But at least prevent ways for them to contact with us a gain. I'm glad that you deleted his e-mail address. About the 'turning off the cellphone' thing. I did that too, literally, for days. Instead, what's probably a good idea is to block his number on your cell. Actually for me, I had to change my new number. I know it will be a hassle to hand out your new number to all of your personal contacts, but it's worth it. At least, we don't have to fear our ex's calling us up.

 

I think that your ex is really confused. What is he doing trying to get you back, and at the same time, still hang out with that other chick? What about you? Why doesn't he respect you, and stop hurting you? I don't know what's up with these games that the ex's play, but it's more of a waste of time to hold on, right? I'm glad that you're mature enough to realize that you can find happiness again, without him.

I'm free and I'm starting to like it.

That's a good attitude to have.

 

Meanwhile, my best advice is to:

1. Grieve- Cry if you need to. Let it all out. Journal or whatever you can, don't suppress it. (I cried when I was out on a date the other night, and feel bad, because I suppressed my emtions for so long, that my emotions came out on the wrong time. The guy that I hung out with understood, but still I feel bad for doing so.) What I'm saying is, if you feel bad, don't deny those feelings k? One way or the other, they will come out. So, grieve it all out, and then move on. I see that you are doing so. High 5 on your part! =;

 

2. Do fun things again- Engage in your most fun activities. Pamper yourself. Get a 'new' makeover, do some shopping, spend some time finding 'new' interests. Enjoy things that 'inspire' you! Now's your time to enjoy what you used to do, prior to commiting to him. Sometimes, when we're committed to a relationship, we forget about ourselves, and what we like. We forget to reserve all of that fun time for ourselves, because like what's mentioned above, our controlling ex's (just wanted to do things their way.) Now is our time! It's our own time to feel happy and independent again! They can't take it!

 

3. Balance out your time- spend some quiet time 'alone', so that you can reflect on the things that you want in your life, verses bonding time with your friends. Get out there and be active. Maybe you can jog your emotions off in the morning. While you do that, you can enjoy the air, scenery, and environment.

 

4. If you do meet someone who you might be interested in- hang out with them. Don't turn dates down. Be selective, you do want to turn down some dates, but don't deny the ones that might catch your interest. Getting to know 'new' people, allows us to realize that the ex's are not the last people on this planet.

 

So Beancounter999, cheers to you, and cheers to being 'single'. I wish the best of luck for all of us, who are getting over an ex. We will find that happniess some day. We just need to learn how to stick with the 'No Contact Rule', to cut back on wasting our time on our heartaches. (Those two-timers! )

 

Hang in there!

Mahlina

 

I hope that you will continue feeling better about the break-up. Besides, they're not the last person out there in this world [-( . And certainly, if it's not meant to be, then "Oh well" right? No point in holding onto someone, who won't cherish and respect our commitment! After all, we both gave them the chance to begin with. We put in enough effort, and they took us for granted. So, now it's our time to put in that same effort to move on, carry on strong, and be happy again! Take care. O

[fantasia2004]

congrats to you making that move and I agree wsith mahlina !

 

 

WOW! what a bastaRD !

 

WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

STUPID!

[beancounter999]

This last contact has really sent me into a tailspin. I think I'm more confused than I was in the beginning of this whole nightmare. It is so much easier to hate him and he made it very easy. He wasn't contacting me or showing any remorse or feelings for me at all. Now, I find myself tempted to contact him. I want to call or email him where I didn't before. Because before he was being a big a@@hole and now he's being all nice and sweet. I have to keep reminding myself of all the things he did to hurt me, the cheating and the lies, and the cruelty. So, what in the hell is wrong with me? Why am I back to making excuses for his behavior, wanting to talk to him and be with him again? I am ashamed of these feelings. I know I don't want him back. I could never trust him again. He is total scum. Why can't I let go? What am I holding onto here? I wasn't even happy when I was with him. So confused now.....posting here instead of emailing him.

[twelve]

just wait bean counter, give it some more time.

Stay busy even if the days go slowly, and are painful to get through, laughter will come back, you will start to enjoy things again.

he won't leave your mind, but other thinsg will take his place and you WILL meet someone better.

Then you will know that all this pain was worth it and was a strengthening and learing experience.

 

He s being nice, maybe to weaken you and get you to go to him and ask for him back.

 

don't fall for it.

Keep your head high and remember that you are worth more.

 

When i had a huge part of my life, and my dreams ripped away from me, i came on here and read the threads about no contact.

(major friendship breakup)

It was the hardest thing I have ever done but i haven't contacted this person, its been almost 4 months now!

I have never felt stronger in my life.

I used to always grovel.

I still miss this person and have random crying attacks but it is very empowering knowing you can move on.

Mostly, I am fine.

In a way, I have replaced this person, kind of....there is hope ok?

The next person you are with won't be him, but they willhave good characteristics that he didn't.

 

I didn't let this persons reaction influence me i stayed in control.

This is not what the controller normally wants, so if he controlled you emotionally, you ebing strign will piss him off and i bet 100% that he will regret things and miss you.

------------------------------------------------------------

They didn't contact me and whenever I see them they pretend I don't exist, so I do it back, then cry in private.

Don't show him you miss him.

 

If it is meant to be, he will come back, changed.

If not, you are better off without the scum believe me.

 

Kia Kaha, Stay strong and keep us updated. =;

[kate111]

Dear Beancounter,

 

Your ex also sounds very much like mine. I think there is a type of man out there who is so selfish he just can't think of anything except from his own perspective. Like a child.

 

I recently let my guard down with my ex by saying something nice back until I had a second look at the message he sent and i realised he had not changed at all. Utterly selfish and full of himself.

 

Your ex is probably like this too and you are right to feel angry. But I think what you need to do, is let your anger run full course. What he did was NOT right and right now you do not even consider him worth answering your phone.

 

Who cares if he comes to you upset etc. Does he care about you? no, so ignore him.

 

After you get sick of being angry then forgiveness is maybe the key. That is what I am trying to work at currently myself. Forgiving him for being such a tosser and then moving on with your life. Without him

 

you do NOT want this guy back. He will not change. The best thing you can do is dump him back like the stinking lump of poo that he is.

 

Let him worry about it, it is NOT your problem anymore.

[murrayfaces]

The best part about no contact is that you can always start it over again. It's not like there's a finite number of times that it works.

 

I know the last time I broke no contact, both in person and on the phone in the same weekend, I really went into knee-jerk reaction mode. I even considered taking him back, after months of torture, just because I felt sorry for him and his situation. But then I remember, he put him self into this situation, because of the choices he made, not me. I didn't choose to cheat in "our" house while I slept in the next room. I didn't choose to take advantage and galavant around town on my money, he did. So, F*** him, and I hope you get to the point that you can say the exact same thing to your ex. Even better don't say it to him, just say it about him. I know it totally sucks, and you don't want to say that about someone you love, but eventually he is going to be someone that you "once" loved. Plus, that's a real scum-bucket thing to do about talking to you about his new love. Mine did the same thing. I even went as far as to ask him if he loved her. He didn't answer. All he said was how great she was in bed. Again, CREEPY ANSWERS from a CREEP!

 

Don't take the way you're feeling now as the way you're going to feel for very long. I can honestly say it took about 2 weeks to get over the last time I broke no contact. But, about 3 weeks later, I am feeling better, and I hope you do, too. Remember, the goal is to make sure that you don't break no contact.