Complicated issues about virginity

[lonelynshy]

Some of you may remember me from the topic I posted a few months ago. I'm turning 20 soon and I haven't ever had a real girlfriend. I also have a set of self-made rules that I simply cannot break because my mind would destroy me.

I want my first girlfriend to preferably be a virgin like me but if she isn't,then I would like to 'lose it' to someone else. That 'someone else' would obviously have to be someone who means nothing to me because I would break it off after 'losing it'.

Do any other guys feel this way?

I'm angry because the only 'sort of' girlfriend I had was online and she lost her virginity to someone else *while* she was with me. I have always been angry,hurt and vengeful since then and vowed to never lose my virginity to my future girlfriend (whoever she might be) *unless* she is a virgin too. It sounds complicated but it's quite simple. Is anything wrong with me for thinking this way?

I NEVER cheated on my online girlfriend in any manner whatsoever but after what she did,I fantasize about cheating on one of my future girlfriends the same way just to get back at the female sex in general. (BTW,we've long since broken up and ceased contact,but I obviously haven't let go).

Yes,I have issues but it isn't my fault. I can't stand the thought of nobody being there to wish me on my 20th birthday (besides my parents). Why? Because nobody knows,and nobody gives a ___. I have made a fool of myself asking every girl I met her birth date in the hope she would ask me the same and remember it No such luck.

I thought and made a list of the girls who 'know' me.

1. My ex online g/f who has since moved on successfully

2. The girl who sat with me at supper on February 20th in the cafeteria

3. The waitress who touched my shoulder once.

 

Big fat list there,huh? Yeah right. Tell me,why shouldn't I just end it all? Nothing is going to get better. As for that 'nice guys finish last but DO finish',that should be expanded to '...but never find a virgin girl'. The only reason I'm still living is because I don't know of what's on the 'other side'.

[prelude93]

I feel the same way that you do. I want a girlfriend that has her virginity, but if I'm with a girl that has already lost her virginity I don't want her to take my virginity, I feel like I just wanna lose it but not to her. Sometimes I feel like I should stop trying to keep my morals because it is so hard to find a girl that I actually want to spend time with that is a virgin. Most girls I meet that are virgins are usually freshman sophmore and those are illegal to me right now. When I do meet a girl that is a virgin that is about my age she usually doesn't attract me physically, but sometimes I enjoy hanging out with em but I want to have someone pretty and that I enjoy spending time with, not just one or the other. I think I'll keep my search on for a girl with these 3 qualities.

1. Physically Attractive (to me)

2. Great personality (to me)

3. Virgin (I could do without this one though if I felt strongly enough towards her)

Just keep searching, why settle for the easiest way out, when you could find what you really want.

[Meow18]

So your saying you would cheat on her because she has a past? Thats not right. If you truly love her, you shoudln't cheat on her. You weren't a part of her life in the past & someone else was, so why would you punish her for that? I just found out that my boyfriend is not a virgin & I am & it hurts me to know that, but I'm not going to go hurt him for it.

[lonelynshy]

yes maggie, I know it would be morally wrong of me to cheat on her but the alternative is that I ferment in my own misery and rage because I would feel inexperienced and 'different' with her. I would never want to have sex with her if I was a virgin and she isn't. and i'm also angry with the female sex in general.

 

but hey,all this is pure conjecture. i may change my mind if i do get a girl i love. even more likely,i may never have a girlfriend.

[epilogue]

I'm surprised I don't see a long list of posts by devirginized females flaming him for doing it for the sake of 'vengeance,' when it's clearly not. I guess people were alot smarter in '04

 

I hope you found someone to share your virginity experience with.

[ShySoul]

As beautiful and romantic as it would be to find someone who is also a virgin, I think the important thing to realize is that just because the other person isn't a virgin doesn't mean she doesn't love you less. What hurts is when you are lied to or cheated on. But thats no reason to assume that anyone who isn't a virgin isn't someone you can be with. At 23 and a virgin, I realize the odds of finding a virgin girl are slim. But that's ok. If it happens, I will love it. But if it doesn't, then it doesn't matter as long as we love each other. It shouldn't be about virginity (though that is the ultimate gift you can give another), it should be about love.

[epilogue]

i want both

whether i have to separate them or not

[Arrowsmith]

For what it's worth I've never had sex with a virgin, and I don't really consider it an issue at all. Sex is essentially masturbating inside a vagina, if I may put it so crudely. So I wouldn't get so worked up over this if you can avoid it. Also, it's not a good idea to express your anger at one person (your on-line ex) by mistreating someone else. Not to say stuff like that doesn't happen every day, but if you are strong enough you can rise above it.

 

I hear that according to Islam if you martyr yourself you get not just one, but a whole bunch of virgins. That's one solution to the problem, I guess.

 

By the way, if you want to have something to look forward to, females have the upper hand in dating from ages 18-25 or so, but men have it after 30.

[hardcharger]

i wouldn't worry about having sex with a virgin, more important to have sex and "break the ice".

[ShySoul]

Sex should not be something that "breaks the ice." It should be something special and sacred, reserved for when it is truly a loving and committed relationship, long after the ice has been broken. You want an ice breaker? Play a board game.

[Arrowsmith]

I suppose in some sort of ideal, romantic world sex would be exclusively sacred. But in this world different people have sex for diffferent reasons. I lost my viriginity to a friend that I didn't even find particularly attractive, but I wanted to have had sex (even more than I wanted to have sex, which is a subtle more important distinction). That seemed like a pretty decent reason to me at the time.

[ShySoul]

At the time Arrowsmith. How do you feel now? If you had the chance to lose your virginity again, would you do it just because you want to have sex, or to have had sex, or would you do it for love?

 

At the time, when people are young, they often do it for the wrong reasons. But as they go older they start to see those reasons were flawed. If people with that experience can try to help younger people see it wasn't right, then maybe they could prevent youngsters from making the same mistake they did. And less people would be walking around with that particular regret.

[Arrowsmith]

ShySoul, well, I *do* regret losing my virginity to that friend of mine, but maybe not for the reasons you suspect. I ended up getting hurt by the experience, but that was largely because she had some psychological issues that I didn't fully appreciated at the time.

 

As for whether I would again lose my viriginity for the sake of losing my viriginity -- I'm afraid the answer is "yes". I'm not bothered by the fact that I can dissociate sex from love. In fact, it's occasionally a good thing, I think, since it avoids a certain amount of emotional pain. On the other hand, if I were guaranteed that everything would "work out" (in some ill-defined sense) I would certainly rather have sex and love integrally connected.

 

Perhaps mine isn't the healthiest outlook, but it's one that works for me. It's hard for me to know whether I'd be happier if I'd made other specific choices.

[ShySoul]

First, just want to say that I respect your opinion. Don't mean anything negative by what I say. Just wanted to make sure I'm not coming accross that way. I'm rather passionate about the topic, so sometimes I can get carried away.

 

The problem is, life has no guarantees. Love and sex is all about opening youself, up, leaving yourself vulnerable to the chance of hurt, but feeling in your heart that it won't happen. Disassoicating may enable you to avoid the lowest of lows, that unbearable pain and hurt. But it also prevents you from experiencing the highest of highs, greatest of joys. It's like night and day, yin and yang. You can't have one without at least the potential of the other. If you are happy being in the middle of the continuum, ok. But I often find those that are like that end up wanting more.

[Burning]

Wow! I must say I am pleasantly surprised.

 

In today's society sex has been so cheapened that it seems most people don't see it as an expression of emotion but rather than just another form of exercise. As one member put it..."masturbating inside a vagina".

 

It is refreshing to see that there are people out there that actually care about values and morals. All the best!

 

Burning

[Arrowsmith]

Rereading my earlier post, I now see that my "masturbating inside a vagina" comment was a bit more provocative than I'd intended it. I certaintly don't mean to offend anyone here.

 

ShySoul, I respect your opinions too, and I appreciate your acknowledging mine. You're right: my approach to life avoids the high-highs and low-lows. It doesn't feel like a deliberate choice on my part - it's just feels like my temperment. I'm not sure how much control I actually have over that.

 

Burning, I think lots of people (especially on enotalone) see sex as a deep expression of emotion. I'm not sure why I don't. To me, sex among all animals is basically equivalent: sex is about making babies, and sex between a man and a woman is essentially identical to sex between a male and female raccoon. Maybe if you could talk to a salmon about spawning, it would describe it as a deeply spiritual experience.

 

Often when I look someone in the eye, I think about the fact that I'm only seeing the tiny piece of their eye that in exposed through the hole in their skin, and the actual eye is a ball, held in place by muscles, rotating in a socket. That's a bit of a tangent for sure, but I think it captures how the world looks to me.

[hardcharger]

Man needs sex, masturbating is necessary at times but a definite second rate experience. We all need to learn how to get our needs met in this world. Some are more successful than others. Marriage might be thought to be for idealistic "love", but it really is so that that needs can be met and benefits accrued, work shared, and in some cases family raised. So the virgins, who need sex, need to figure out how to have another human being help them meet that need, but so that it'll be mutually satisfying to both, and fair to both. Guys, there are girls out there who will satisfy your needs if you can find out a way to give them what they need. That is what love is really about. Personally, as a middle aged guy, in retrospect, I am not for promiscuity and my life have not been such. Fewer partners the better. But saying that, go out and get laid!!! FIgure it out, somehow.

[ShySoul]

To all of both genders, sex is not about "getting laid." It is not about reproduction. It is not physical. It is about love. It is emotional. It is about becoming one with another, in every way possible. Sex is about transcending the limits our physical body places on us and ascending to higher realms of being, realms that are impossible without the essense that is love. To those who see that, your entire outlook on life will forever be altered and you will not be constrained by common views. You'll have taken a step to actualizing the potential that rests within each and everyone of us.

[hardcharger]

>sex is not about "getting laid."

 

sex IS ALL ABOUT getting laid from someone other than yourself.

[ShySoul]

Those who don't see will always have an empty spot within them. Those who do see will be ushered into pleasure and paradise that few souls walk. In the end, it comes down to what we want out of life - the ordinary or to transcend ourselves.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm going to restrain myself because I'm not in the mood to get pissy...

 

That said, I want to know what is this obsession with virgins. It seems that the only good virgin is the one you want to bang, to deflower ya both. What hogwash! Of all the idiotic requirements, a flap of skin separates you and a meaningful relationship. I hope to God you grow out this, because it is the most sexist and ego-centric trype I've read all day.

[ShySoul]

CB,

 

Remind me never to cross you. I get the feeling being on the receiving end of a verbal beatdown from you would not be a pleasant thing.

 

I can understand the appeal of wanting to be with a virgin, but not to the point it becomes the most important thing. Nor do I understand why you would just want to get laid and not care about your own virginity. Really, why worry about all this? Why not let things happen when the time is right and when it is with the right person?

[epilogue]

CarnelianButterfly, I always dreamed about finding my virgin love. But with the majority of girls being like you, it's impossible to find that now. So guys like the one who started this thread and I have given up in finding that first-love-virgin combination, and have decided to find them separately (ie: virgin first, then join the non-virgins later).

 

Like how some girls dream about their wedding days decades before its time, some of us want to think about sharing virginity, k? We don't mess with your dreams, and you don't mess with our's, k?

[Portuquese]

My first post here but I to feel the same way about this virginity thing, kind of got scared of being with someone who isnt like me in most ways but physicaly is something I put my foot down on. I'm young yeh, in my teen yearr (early teens) and no one has ever looked my way ever, I instead now want to lose all my emotions like a machine. a bit childish of a solution but it's what i want. I have only liked two people in my life and both of them shuned me out cause of either already dating or they somehow devlop alot of hate for me afterwards and they go insane. One girl that liked me (she was a christian girl that was very friendly and happy) liked me once but I didnt like her. She went mad and became a * * * * losing her virginity at the age of twelve to a sixteen year old she met about a day ago. And another girl who decided to hate men after I didnt respond to her love. But my only concern is to meet someone who can be my equal. When i was younger this girl liked me and when i talked to her she would scold me if i did anything that was against the "rules" and she had already dated before so it scared me to do a relationship wrong so i decided to forget about her. But something that I always think of when I think of this topic. For the person who's having there first time it's magical, but for the other person, it's just another * * * *.

[ShyCynic]

Old topic but I just had to reply. I'm a female virgin age 24, I can so relate to this. There's no way I would ever want to date or could be happy with a guy who wasn't a virgin as well.