Sorry - Another "Falling For My Friend" Situation

[Callibaetis]

I've been reading here for about 8 months but this is my first post. This is a long story to give you enough relevant details, but I will try and be as concise as I can.

 

About a year ago I ran into a woman who I knew casually - I knew her ex well and she knew my ex well, but we never spent any time together. One night we chatted in town and lamented about the evils of being single in a small town. I mentioned casually that we should have dinner some time. Then shortly thereafter she texted me and asked when we were having dinner and I responded with "my house" and a date and time - and a friendship was born.

 

When it began we had dinner at one of our houses about every two weeks with minimal contact between times. Most of our early conversations were about our past relationships, etc. During this time we were both steadfast that we weren't looking for a romantic relationship (with anybody - not just between us). Our conversations are the best I've ever had, they are open and honest and we share some very delicate information with absolute trust. The one topic we never broach though is what we each are doing dating-wise. She knows I go out and I know she goes out, but we never bring it up with each other, or if we do it is in very general terms.

 

Then the dinners became more frequent (weekly) and the texting more frequent and she was texting me nice things out of the blue like "I hope you had a great day!" I took them at face value since we had declared our desire for no relationships.

 

Then we went on a few overnight trips to a distant city, shared hotel and bed but purely platonic.

 

Part of her family was in town for Thanksgiving and she invited me over. We had a blast and she made a point of twice telling me a that her sister commented on what great chemistry the two of us have. In fact, they invited me on a foreign trip they all had planned together, but I could not make it.

 

One night we ended up coincidentally at the same spot. She came over and made a big show of giving me a hug and saying "where have you been all my life?" Later that same night she walked by and I put out my arm and she rolled into it and sat on the corner of my bar stool for about 1/2 hour with my arm around her (and I had the urge to kiss her but this being a small town would not have done it in public).

 

Not long after that we took a trip to Europe for 10 days (we planned it a month earlier). Again shared a bed - purely platonic. It was an incredible trip and we both had a wonderful time, had great conversations, and laughed like crazy.

 

So at this time things continue as normal. We have two major foreign trips planned (one quite soon), we still have dinner together and still have great conversations.

 

Here is the problem: It is making me crazy wondering what her intentions are. Given the opportunity, I would explore the option of a more romantic relationship, but given how the friendship developed am unsure whether that would be wise. I guess I feel as though making a romantic move would be a breach of the foundation of our friendship.

 

In my gut it feels as though we have both painted ourselves into a corner with our early declarations of "no relationships" even though our friendship has grown and grown. It surely isn't your average male/female friendship given the amount of traveling we do together.

 

Anybody have any thoughts or insight as to what is going on here? There are obviously many more details but I tried to give you the major points.

[Timebandit]

In my gut it feels as though we have both painted ourselves into a corner with our early declarations of "no relationships" even though our friendship has grown and grown. It surely isn't your average male/female friendship given the amount of traveling we do together.

 

It is hard to say whether this is just a platonic relationship or not. But there could be some more to it....

 

I personally have two opinions regarding situations like this.

 

Firstly, if you let her define the relationship, then it will surely be a platonic relationship. She will not likely reveal her intentions to you, unless you have made a first step showing that you are attracted to her (sorry, but this is the usual way around).

 

Secondly, you luckily dont have to start by blurting out the dreaded "I think I falling for you *blush*" or anything like this, which can put you in a very awkward situation. You can do it much more incrementally; flirt with her, tease her, take initiative to touch her (lightly). See if she reciprocates. Also try to bring in an element of unpredictability (f.ex. text her, take her out or go see her on times where you wouldnt normally do).

[Callibaetis]

Secondly, you luckily dont have to start by blurting out the dreaded "I think I falling for you *blush*" or anything like this, which can put you in a very awkward situation. You can do it much more incrementally; flirt with her, tease her, take initiative to touch her (lightly).

 

Thank you for the reply, Timebandit. I have done these things on occasion without a negative reaction. There is more casual touching by both of us than there was originally - you know the type, hand on the arm when emphasizing something, hand accross the back when walking past, that type of thing.... But, again, I have ascribed it on her part to just being more comfortable with me.

 

We were recently sitting in an airport there was a group of nuns near us. She made the comment "I wonder what I would look like in a habit?" to which I immediately replied "I don't think I should talk about that here!" She laughed hard and I know it must have had her mind going a little because as I walked to the restroom I looked back and she still had a huge grin on her face.

 

I know you're right about if left to her it will remain platonic, but of course my ideal would be for her to tell me how she feels - that would be very low risk for me! haha.

 

Thanks, again.

[Callibaetis]

Just a quick update on this..... I decided not to tempt fate and kept things strictly platonic. Unfortunately, she has drifted (or is drifting) away. I am heartbroken, not for the romantic possibilities but for the (seemingly) lost friendship. I saw it happening and asked her a couple of times if everything was okay and got the standard "everything's fine" response, but it was clear that it wasn't. She was giving me one-word responses to texts and making some biting responses to casual comments by me that in the past would have brought a laugh.

 

The only thing I can put my finger on is that I went out with a female friend one night in a different town and she happened to be there. I went up to her and jokingly said "what's your name?" and she responded "Not Interested, and my last name is In You." Kind of an odd response for her. Anyway, I texted her that night and invited her to dinner the next weekend. Dinner was strained and short. She was man-bashing and about the only substantive comment I got from her was "the fact that I'm even here with you should tell you something." I had and still have no idea how to interpret the comment. I should have asked but let it go.

 

We still took our foreign trip a few weeks ago and at times it was like it always was and other times she was very cold - even rude to me.

 

I just don't understand. She's the type that if I really pissed her off she would confront me on it and tell me what an ass I am - or at least I thought she would. The fact that I asked a couple of times and got no real answer is frustrating.

 

My two frames of thought are that I should A Man-up and confront her with a WTH?, or B Just ride it out and let her tell me what the issue is in her own time (which could be never).

 

For the time being I'm doing B, because I really think pushing her for an answer will make her withdraw even more. The rub is that I'm the type of person who hates unresolved issues.

 

Anyone have thoughts on this? Thanks in advance!

[freiabereinsam]

It sounds to me like she was hoping something romantic would blossom between the two of you, and since you never made a move, she became hurt and disappointed. Eventually she probably decided she didn't want to spend so much time with you anymore because it only reminded her that you were not interested romantically in her. Now she's making a point to show you that she was never interested in you as a sort of defense mechanism.

 

I would tell her how you feel. Say that you did have romantic feelings for her but felt that you shouldn't pursue them considering the way that your friendship began (i.e. discussing how neither of you wants to be in a relationship with anyone). What do you have to lose? Either she's really not interested in you, in which case nothing will change since she's already slipping away, OR (more likely) she will reveal that she also has more than just platonic feelings for you.

 

Keep us posted! I feel pretty confident she had romantic feelings for you at one point and obviously she still cares now or she wouldn't be acting so strange.

[Longview01]

This girl is so into you and she was hurt that you never made the move!

 

Hunt her down and tell her how you feel before its too late and you end up regretting it forever!

[DanDee]

Just a quick update on this..... I decided not to tempt fate and kept things strictly platonic. Unfortunately, she has drifted (or is drifting) away. I am heartbroken, not for the romantic possibilities but for the (seemingly) lost friendship. I saw it happening and asked her a couple of times if everything was okay and got the standard "everything's fine" response, but it was clear that it wasn't. She was giving me one-word responses to texts and making some biting responses to casual comments by me that in the past would have brought a laugh.

 

Doesn't this paragraph say it all?? It's obvious!!

 

Why was she talking to you and now suddenly not? Because she was waiting for you to show any indication that you like her which you didn't so now she's retreated. Best make your feelings known before she's out of your life for good.

 

The whole "let's keep this platonic" idea does seem a bad one though - why establish something outright before it's even begun to take shape?

[RedDress]

Helllloooooooooo.... she likes you! She's mad that you were flirting with another girl. She's feeling completely rejected... of course she's pushing you away!

 

No offense, but this post makes me shake my head.

 

You need to kiss her. Now.

[Callibaetis]

Thanks, everyone for the responses. I suppose I know all of this and it DOES seem obvious, but sometimes I over-think things. Thanks, again. I really appreciate your thoughts.

[Longview01]

Let us know how it goes

 

Good luck!