Broken up -- She's Still angry at me??

[JT]

I broke up with my ex 1 month ago. It was a bad breakup, we had our share of relationship problems. Apparently she is still very mad at me, blaming me for everything that has happened. I have'nt talked to her but I hear this through friends. Her last words to me were that she "hated me"... but why is she still mad if she has'nt let go? If she has let go and is ready to move on then she would'nt be mad right...

 

Ladies if your mad still at your ex does this mean that your ready to move on, or do you need to be at the point where you forgive and forget, and are not angry and then move on?

 

I just want to know for my own sake why she is so angry and still holding onto it. As much as in the back of my head I want to get back together I know its not possible, but I have'nt reached the acceptance phase.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

[moneypennyxx]

Quite simply, if you cant be mad and sad at the same time.

 

if you can remain angry at someone then you dont feel the hurt, if you hate them you dont miss them.

 

you most likely have your share of unresolved problems, and my holding on the these she can stop herself from hurting, i.e. if you remember only the bad stuff you dont miss, your not gonna remember the good stuff you do.

 

if you really want to give it a chance, then be patient, call her and plan to meet, and talk it out, it may take more than one meeting and may take hours, but write down your problems tackle them one by one, but your right, she wouldnt stay mad if she didnt care.

 

x

[mahlina]

This is how I see it: anytime an ex holds a grudge against you, meaning, he/she gets mad at what you did, keeps on bringing it up, and reminding you everytime you talk, then chances are: that person hasn't moved on from the relationship, yet. Seriously, why else would they be so mad, right? If they've already moved on, then wouldn't they let go of the problems, and just accept the break-up for what it is? That's just how I see it.

 

When I know that I've gotten over a guy, I forgive him. Usually, when any of my ex's call back, and I'm over them, I'm usually happy, and don't bring up the past. It's not like I avoid it, it's just because I've already found it in my heart to forgive them, and at that point, I moved on. Why do I need to hold onto a grudge for? I think that for the most part, when women are over the relationship, they stop complaining about what guys did or didn't do in the relationship. By then, it doesn't matter that much to them, because they've already moved on.

 

That's what I told a buddy of mine. I told him: "You're ex is still pissed off because she's not over you, even if she's with someone else. The fact that she's still angry over something that you did do, means that she still has feelings for you."

 

When I forgive my exes, I forgive them for the past. At that point, I realize that I don't care/feel the same for them, like I used to. Things didn't work out. JT, she still cares for you. She's just EXTREMELY heart-broken and confused. I'm sure that she hasn't gotten over you, not especially if she's still getting heated up about things. I think that if she was truly over you, then she wouldn't let the old drama get to her. Besides, you guys have just recently broken up, right? So, her pain is still fresh. Her wounds won't heal for a while. It's natural that she feels the way that she does, because she's in the 'anger' stage of the 'Grieving Process.' So, my best advice is to let her do the healing on her own, but if you truly want her back, then sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation. Otherwise, be strong, and try to keep the "No Contact" rule, so that you'll be able to move onto your own separate ways.

 

My ex broke up with me, and still calls, but I don't pick up. I picked up once, and regret it. In a sense, I can somewhat relate to her. Try to move on and heal on your 'own' k? I bet you anything, she's hurting just as bad, if not, worse. I know it's tough to let go of the one's that we love, but if there's 'no future' in it, then don't let drag the relationship down any longer. It will only postpone your time to 'heal,' and to truly feel happiness again. I wish that there was an 'automatic' healing pill, or some kind of hypnosis treatment, but there isn't. So, we must face our fears, and somehow find that 'self-motivation' to move on.

 

In your case, move on, only if you know deeply in your heart, she's not the right person for you. But, if you guys both truly feel the same for each other, love each other, then work it out. Be true to yourself, and what yourself, is this what I really want? What do I really want from her? But then, why did the break-up occur in the first place?

[JT]

The break up occurred because we were fighting a lot... I was'nt sure what I wanted during the relationship.. and I guess it came out in my actions. I think we are just no good for eachother.. the way we relate, or communicate. Communication was a big issue for the both of us. At first it was raw passion that brought us together.. perhaps infatuation if you will.. maybe she feels differently about me.. I dont know. I know she loved me like no other.. so she says...

 

We have friends in common which is the problem.. so when we make mutual plans with friends we have to ensure that we wont see eachother.. I lost some supposed "friends" during the divorce. From what they tell me she blames me for everything.. our one friend is getting married in July, they told her that I was his friend first and she should'nt come...but she could come to bachelorette party. She initially agreed, but then called right back and said she had something else to do.. she is just being very bitter about the whole situation... a complete "bi*ch" from what my friends tell me.. so I know she's very angry with me. I was the one to initiate the breakup so I think its natural she hold a grudge.

 

In all honesty, during our relationship i did everything possible to make it work.. even going to therapy, her and I to resolve problems. It was just too difficult. She does not realize what SHE did wrong in the relationship, thereforeeee she has nothing to change, but I beg to differ. I realized what I did wrong and I am now in therapy and correcting those problems. I feel much better and already starting to attract others. From what I can gather, she has many trust issues brought from her childhood and a previous relationship which she must resolve before she is able to trust again. She will carry the burden of our relationship into the next relationship. She does not love herself... I supposedly make her happy.. she needs to be happy herself before loving another.

 

What do you think?

[NightLily]

Well this may sound odd. But I am still mad at my ex and I am completely over him. I never would date him again no matter what so I am pretty sure I can say I am over him. I don't know exactly what happened with your break up, but my ex treated me absolutely horribly to the point where I had to completely redefine who I see him to be and I lost all shreads of respect for him. .. If that could somehow be the case with your break up then it is quite possible she is over you.

 

On the other hand, if that could not possibly be the case then it is possible she isn't over you. But I would say you really shouldn't let that be a factor in how you treat her or try to get back with her. That could quite possibly amplify how she is feeling and either make her hate you more or the problems could come back to bite you in the butt later. heh.

 

Hope that different view point on the situation helps you understand your situation better,

SuzyQ

[mahlina]

Hi JT,

 

I think that you're right. I have problems that stem back into my past, more specifically, in my childhood. I have trust issues, dealing with what happened to me. So, naturally, yes, communication will play a role in conflict. However, she must realize this for herself. I did. That's why, in every attempts to resolve, or communicate issues in a relationship, I tend to look at myself first, see how I'm feeling, before I communicate this with my partner, to prevent more fights from occurring.

 

You are right in the fact that you mention, if she doesn't learn to resolve things for herself, and learn how to be happy on 'her own,' then she won't be happy with anyone else, because the problems will resurface again. Now, I'm not saying that it was her entirely, her fault. I don't know what went on, but this is how I see it: If a person can be happy by themselves, then chances are, they'll find happy and healthier relationships.

 

I'm not saying that there aren't any bad people, who will mistreat nice people, and make them miserable. What I'm saying is, if she can be mature, on her own, happy with herself, then she can truly enjoy a 'Trusting' relationship. Because by then, she already found it in herself to resolve her personal issues. If she has a partner to help her, then that would be great too. But, her ultimate goal should be: finding happiness within herself first. Why?

1. If she's happy with herself, then chances are, she can trust you more.

2. If she's happy by herself, then she's more confident.

3. If she resolves her past conflicts, then she'll be better off at understanding who she is and what she truly wants.

4. She won't be as co-dependent.

 

Co-dependency can become really unhealthy as well.

 

I think that SuzyQ could be also right. Maybe she's over you. Maybe she's not. My hunch says that she isn't, because, she's still talking about you. Another reason being, you guys were married right? Divorce? If that's the case, then breakups like that, I think, tend to be the hardest. Break-ups in general are, because for me, I gave it my all. So for a relationship to fail, I'm kinda like a guy in that sense, it's gut wrenching to know, because I don't invest in all relationships, just one. And for it to be a failure, that's a disaster! I guess I can somewhat relate to her in that sense. I'm sure that anyone who's put in so much devotion, is bound to feel a little bit of resentment, and finds it hard to let go. It's normal to give into that kind of devotion, because that's called loyalty, trust, and respect. And to have that kind of 'commitment', fall apart? That's tough to deal with. It's like a 'lost cause.'

 

I bet you anything, she's in the 'Anger' stage of the 'Grieving Process' (By Dr. Kubler Ross). She's putting all of the blame on you. I know that break-ups are hard, but it's probably even tougher for her, because she's the one that seems to want to relationship to 'work out,' right? It's hard for her to let go, especially, if she's holding onto grudges, and exploding on you. It's probably not the most effective approach. Perhaps, she needs to learn a little bit more on 'communication,' or perhaps, she didn't give it enough time to recollect herself, before she could truly handle a normal converstation with you, without arguing. She just seems too emotional for now. It's understandable.

 

Going back to showing resentment on an ex, and not actually feeling for them anymore: One of the ex's that I dumped, we only went out for not even one week? Anyway, he recently called me, we dated about 8 years ago? Somewhere back then. Now he's wanting to get back with me, after he broke up with his fiance. He agreed to meet up with my friends and I, but flaked out. I didn't care if he showed up or not, because I didn't have any intentions. I told him so. Just wanted to see how he's doing, and catch up on the good 'old days.'. He thinks that I'm mad at him, but I'm not. So, I went ahead, decided to tell him off, and act like I was upset, when I wasn't.

1. I really don't want him to bother me anymore.

 

But, your case is different. I went off on him that way, so that he could stop calling. I've already told him nicely that I don't see anything in him, but he just wouldn't accept it. So, that was my way of shutting that door on him. Not the best way, but I tried nicely before, and that's what it had to come down to. I'm sure we'll be friends again. He's a nice guy. Anyway, it doesn't seem like you're consistantly calling her up, to hang out, or trying to meet up. So, if that's the case, then she's probably not 'appearing' to be upset, for the reasons that I was. Unless if she tells you upfront, "I don't want to be with you." OR "I don't think that we're compatible." Basically, if she makes an effort to make things 'clear to you,' about her intentions, then I think that she is over you. That's just another perpsective to consider (if this is actually the case). However, I don't think she's over you, because your situation seems different. I see that she's still passionate about you.

 

Overall, you must ask yourself if you truly want to get back, and then make it the effort to have her 'seek counseling,' and then the two of you work on communication. Otherwsie, sit her down, try to have a mellow converstation. Basically say, "I got your back when you need to talk. I'm sorry things had to end up this way, but I truly want you to seek out help, because I see that it's affected you in so many ways..."

 

I know. I'm just trying to find a 'friendlier' way for the two of you to end things. I know that break-ups tend to be nasty, but for me, I usually like it to be ammicable, but that's often, not the case.

 

That's the best that I can think of right now. I hope that the two of you do find a way to resolve things. Sometimes, healing is better left at the 'No Contact Rule.' Otherwise, we'll just dig deeper, in a vicious and neverending cycle. I hope this helps. Hang in there k?

 

Mahlina

[tiger_lilies]

Usually when people are angry, it's because there is a lot of pain hiding underneth that blanket of anger. This is what I've learned through a counselor.

 

So, if she is still angry with you, I suspect that she is still hurting a lot inside. You mentioned it's only been one month since the break up. That isn't nearly enough time to get over someone you loved...at least for me it isn't.

[mahlina]

Usually when people are angry, it's because there is a lot of pain hiding underneth that blanket of anger

Yup, that's so true. Thanks for that insight. 1 month is not long enough for me either. Maybe you guys can agree to give each other a little break for now. It's kinda tough, since you guys do have 'common' friends right? I wish us all luck, on our healing process.

[JT]

I was'nt married to her.. but I felt a real connection with her. I think just too much stuff happened.. both good and bad. Maybe someday she'll get over the anger. I am working on getting on with my life.. there are a bunch of positive changes I'm making for myself. If it was meant to be, then it should work itself out. For the time being I need to work on being single and whole again. She brought trust issues into the relationship from before.. although we have'nt spoken, I sincerely hope she will go to therapy to resolve those trust issues and not carry them over into her new relationship. As for me, I'm not looking for anything serious at this time.. perhaps in afew months a new fish will come my way. Her last words to me were "i hate you".. friends say she's being a real bit** about everything... I guess she's very angry at me... I pray that she will let that go sometime soon so she can concentrate on greiving fully and not jading her future relationships. She did'nt trust me, she was jealous and insecure.. those are the issues she needs to resolve.

[Athena]

This thread is really interesting. I'm struggling with "letting go" issues, but, I don't think it's the "letting go" as you are describing. I'm interested in your opinions however.

 

Where I am not following the "let it go" approach is, where does trust fall into the process? I think in alot of instances, the source of the pain, anger and saddness is a dose of betrayal. There is someone who accepted what you offered; love, caring, sharing, committment to them, and they seemingly give it back in words and action, but, their final actions are the opposite. So, we feel betrayed.

 

In my corner of the world, forgiveness is given when it's asked for. If someone does something to hurt me, it's my responsibility to let them know they have done that, it's then their responsibility to apologize and then it's my responsibility to forgive them. The process is pretty effective. But a person has to apologize to be forgiven.

 

My "letting go" issues are more about trust, not lingering emotional attachments. A romantic relationship with my ex is not something I would consider, because, I no longer trust him. That goes to say that you can't be friends (real friends) either. I think friendly is doable, but I just don't get the idea of forgiving someone that betyrays you, and doesn't apologize for the hurt they causesd.

 

-A

[DrNick]

Hi everyone, my situation is similar. My ex is angry with me and refuses to talk to me or interact with me. I tried the trick of not talking about our relationship (ie. just making small talk with her and generally being friendly) but she ignores me, and has even walked away a few times. She claims she doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't understand, because when we broke up, she was friendly for the first week or so (and so was I), but suddenly everything changed, for no discernible reason. Some friends have told me that she spoke to some of her girlfriends and they turned her against me, but there must be more to it than that. I don't want to get back together with her, but I do miss her friendship. Perhaps that is what is making her so angry. Maybe she sees friendship as a poor substitute or an insult? Unfortunately, too much has happened for us to get back together as a couple (at least from my point of view). Does anyone have any advice on how to smooth things over? Do I just give it time and try again in a month or so? Should I wait for her to "let go"? I've tried talking to her about how she's feeling, but she brushes me off. I think I'm in the classic case of a sexual relationship ruining a very good friendship.