that ''patience'' thing...

[90_hour_sleep]

was listening to something today...and it kind of threw me back to some things i haven't thought much about lately.

 

so many threads/discussions are based around this idea of ''cold'' dumpers...or unrespsonsive exes...or just the fact that these significant people just can't seem to see the changes we've made (if we've indeed made them). i guess what it comes down to, is that regardless of how far we've come...and how apparent it is to us...it's almost absurd to assume that the ones closest to us will be initially responsive to us. if you're honest with yourself, you've probably come to the realization that your relationship (whatever the context) had some significant issues. one or both of you was stuck. and beyond that, you'd very gradually become accustomed to this other person being a certain way...and they with you. so again, the progress may seem glaringly apparent to us...and perhaps a select few that we've formed bonds with over the course of our healing. but, to that significant person, we're still very much the same. we're still stuck. the reactions completely reflect that. they still see you in the same kind of light that they'd grown accustomed to. it seems obvious...but it seems like one of those things that can be difficult to see.

 

perhaps this is why the tales of 'successful' reunions always refer to substantial amounts of time apart (as well as a whole multitude of other factors aligning). the catch seems to be that as much as we'd like these people to see it...to know it...it's not something we can give to them. think of the things you've realized for yourself. did someone tell you to have those realizations? probably not. it's the same thing. has to be on his terms...or her terms.

 

be patient. you're not only breaking/altering patterns for yourself, but attempting to add some friction to that wheel of doubt that's spinning out of control for the one that was close to you. the closer you get to someone, the stronger the pattern will have become...the faster that wheel is spinning.

 

anyway, just something that resonated wtih me. thought i'd share.

 

cheers

[jettison]

It's absolutely true. We can't change for other - only ourselves. Once we do change, "the other" isn't going to recognize those changes anyway. Always, we have to live for ourselves, to do right by ourselves, to treat ourselves well, and never lose sight for that. For all those that complained that "he/she left me, and I did it all for them", you are missing the point. No one really wants that long term. Then don't want you to live for them. They want you to live very, very well for you, and they want to be along for that ride, and they want you to share it with them.

 

If you are going to change, make those changes something that you believe in. Make those changes something that are part of you, and not something that resonate with "the other". This is where you'll find the correct path. And yes, it's absolutely correct that ex's that dumped are the most attracted the the dumpee that has truly moved on, and has proved beyond any doubt at all, that they can live just fine without them.

 

If you're of the "win the ex back" crowd, then more power to you. My advice? Win someone new. Better yet, win yourself over first. After that's accomplished, the ex will seem like "just some person from my past" by comparison.

[90_hour_sleep]

well...not personally of the ''win her back category''...but appreciate your insights nonetheless, jettison.

 

seems to be a hot topic out there...you know?

 

cheers

[jettison]

well...not personally of the ''win her back category''...but appreciate your insights nonetheless, jettison.

 

seems to be a hot topic out there...you know?

 

cheers

 

I see how that read. Wasn't a response to you at all, but only the sentiments. As with a lot of posts, it was meant for the everyman. I can see very well from so much that you've said on here that you already get that.

[kvb10]

I see what you're saying...

 

For example... my first big love and I ended things badly. We actually did NC for 5 years. I was the 'bad guy' and learned so much from that relationship. I spent a lot of time afterward thinking about my faults and wanting to change (not for my ex, but for myself). I feared being in another relationship for fear that I would make the same mistakes again and knew i ever wanted to do that. Years later I met someone new and it was awesome and I was surprisingly a pretty good girlfriend... sure I had my faults, but not those same ones that I had the first time. I had changed! Of course the first one was when I was 19/20 and the 2nd one what when I was 24/25...

 

Anyways moral of the story... my first love re-iniatated contact with me when I was 25 years old. We met for coffee and started to talk regularly and we've been reconnected as friends for about year now and she STILL says sometimes, 'god i can't believe how much you've changed'. For the first couple of months she especially was just amazed at how different I had become since our relationship. (I was a monster when I was younger - but now am gentle and caring.)

 

Neither of us have any intentions of ever being together again, but we have a really cool friendship now and I'm really happy about that!

 

Moral of the story, for someone to notice you've changed they definitely need space away from you, and you definitely truly do need to change for yourself. It's not something that happens over night, but it can happen.

 

I think changing to get someone back doesn't usually work. I think true change happens most once you've gone through the loss and moved on for yourself to see that it's you that wants the change, and not your ex or your pain that is driving you there.