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not sure how to handle this


LAYAAN

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I have a married friend who constantly tries to introduce different men to me. I know she means well, but 95% of the men that she asks me to meet are religious and won't marry a woman from other religion without converting her.

On Sunday my friend called me "Can you come over to my house?" I knew she wanted to introduce me to someone. I said,"I have to go to work"

This man and I talked only 2-3 times very casually on phone in early 2007. He never followed through. When my friend asked him why, he replied "She is always busy." This weekend, she gave my cell phone no. to this man and he called me and left a message.

I am not excited to meet him. This has nothing to do with his waiting for 3 years to talk to me again. I'm afraid our religious beliefs will clash. (I don't remember much from last conversation, but he asked me which church I go to) Currently I'm busy and won't have enough time to date him. He is 2 years younger to me and I really desire to be married a couple of years from now. I'm not sure he is in the same phase of life as I'm.

What should I do to get him to know that I'm not interested in dating him? I'd be open to get to know him only as a friend in casual setting. I'm afraid that my friend will get angry at me if I don't return his call or turn him down.

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If clash of religious beliefs is your primary issue, I assume the subject came up in your previous conversation. You could be up-front with him about this. Just return his call, tell him you don't share his religious beliefs, and don't want to get into a conflict about it.

 

I don't think you can do anything about your friend's match-making. I'm guessing she's probably strongly religious, and if you tell her that's the issue, you'll be speaking an alien language. It's probably an inseparable part of her world, like gravity or the color of the sky. Stating that you'd prefer a guy who was not religious would be like stating you prefer to date men who believe the Earth is shaped like a teacup.

 

A heck of a supposition, I know, but I'd think that if she wasn't resistant to the idea she would have figured this out about you after knowing you for years.

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I think you should have your friend (?) do the dirty work of telling this guy you're not interested. She started this matchmaking thing..to me...if you're not on board with having her fix you up with guys..tell her to stop please. She sounds like she has bad boundaries. In my experience..(and I know many more who feel the same) Fix ups..just don't work. Chemistry, attraction are so individual, relying on a third party to navigate these waters is extremely hit and miss to say the least. This business of having to convert for the other person..puhhhleeease...

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I sent him a text yesterday "Hello, I just wanted to let you know that I got your message. I'm working long hours this week, I'll return your call by the weekend."

He called back right away and started talking

"We should meet this weekend. What are you doing on the Valentine's?"

Me "umm... nothing. I have school work to do."

Him "Oh come on, you should get at least the weekends off. I can come to pick you up at your place."

Me "Listen, its not just about my busy schedule. There is more to it than that."

I told him that ever since we last talked, my parents have undergone surgeries and being their only child I may consider moving to my home country permanently after my PhD is over. A few months ago, I got hit by a car and the injuries set me back in the program so, right now my only focus is my school and finishing up my degree and I'm not looking to date anyone, especially someone who intends to stay in the US permanently. I appreciate that he has called back and is still interested, but this is not a good time and I wished him good luck.

Him "So you are just gonna cut me off, just like that?"

Me "Well, I'm being honest with you. I'm only telling you why now is not a good time."

Him "V told me, you are a really sweet gal. You have morals. I like you. You should never change. "blah blah

Me "I appreciate it, but really, I'm not looking anymore. I really want to stay focused on my school and improving my health. I would appreciate a friend but we didn't start off as friends. Both of us were really looking to see if we would find each other suitable for a romantic relationship. You are still interested to find out more. I don't think we can mask that under the label of friendship."

Him "Well, yes, if you need anything, or want to talk sometime, let me know."

Me "okay."

 

I didn't want to give him the religion reason because he would say "I know you are not a Christian. I'm okay with it." I knew he would not yield to that excuse. I just don't want to date him for now and I don't even want to keep him as a friend while I explore other options. I just dont want to do anything with this man.

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