Should I give up on him?

[cheng]

Here's the story:

 

I've been in a relationship with a guy but not officially, you know what I mean. We are actually in FWB scenario. Well, at first I never thought that I would fall in love with this guy, but * * * * happens. So, i fell inlove. I knew from the very start that he don't want a commitment so I never asked for that. I said to myself that I just need to go with the flow, who knows? He might fall inlove with me as well. But feelings are really hard to hide, I wanna tell the world how much I love him. I admitted to him that I am already inlove with him. He said he's not blaming me but I know him well enough to tell that he can't commit. I dont know exactly what are his reasons, but he told me that he dont have a gf. Well, as a person inlove, I dont care if he doesn't love me back. As long as I'm with him. That's more than enough. We continue our thing and we work in the same company. i can feel that our relationship is getting better. he started asking bout my family, he told me to stop dating other guys. And then one day, he told me that a lot of his friends knew that we're sort of having an affair and he don't want that. He told me that we should stop seeing each other. i actually begged for him to stay. What a loser I must be. question is, why do you think all of a sudden he want us to stop? I mean we're almost there. What should I do? Should I beg again? I cannot do that. I need to leave some pride. Please help. thanks

[maverick554]

I think that you need to accept that your relationship with him is never going to be what you want it to be. This is the ultimate flaw with the FWB situation, because one inevitably develops strong feelings for the other, which are not shared. I think he sees that you are in love with him, and that he will never be able to give you the type of relationship you want, so he is breaking it off before it goes any further and you get hurt anymore than you already are. So no you should not bet him. Leave him and find someone who actually will want a real commited relationship with you.

[cheng]

I think that you need to accept that your relationship with him is never going to be what you want it to be. This is the ultimate flaw with the FWB situation, because one inevitably develops strong feelings for the other, which are not shared. I think he sees that you are in love with him, and that he will never be able to give you the type of relationship you want, so he is breaking it off before it goes any further and you get hurt anymore than you already are. So no you should not bet him. Leave him and find someone who actually will want a real commited relationship with you.

 

Thanks for the advice. But why do I have this feeling that somehow he feels the same way? because why did he asked me to stop dating other guys? and I can feel that he cares for me. How could I forget him? I really dont know what to do. I want him back, really. I sounded so desperate, I hate it.

[shessofly]

He may have said those things, but the last thing he said to you is that he wanted to end the 'relationship' you guys have going. Don't go backwards and try to analyze the previous statement. You don't care if he loves you back as long as he is in your life? FWB - bad idea. You gave him what he wanted without any type of commitment and now he has decided to move it along, as I have seen happen to many people who accept this kind of arrangement. One is left devastated while the other moves on to the next FWB. Best to let this go, stop analyzing, and by all means please don't beg. That won't help you at all. Focus on getting over the guy. If he's truly interested in being with you nothing will keep him from letting you know. For now, accept what he said last and focus on moving forward without him.

[shessofly]

Thanks for the advice. But why do I have this feeling that somehow he feels the same way? because why did he asked me to stop dating other guys? and I can feel that he cares for me. How could I forget him? I really dont know what to do. I want him back, really. I sounded so desperate, I hate it.

 

"You" feel...you have created these feelings. Only he can answer the questions you are asking us - if you can ask him without begging and sounding desperate that's the only way you're gonna find out what is true and what is imagined.

[Tanzi]

cheng, you are not a loser. We can all act desperate at desperate times. However, I think maverick is right. This man wasn't committing to you whether he seems to care for you or not. Who knows why he didn't want you to date other men. Although he may not have fully wanted you himself, he may not have wanted other men to want, or indeed have, you either. Whatever the reason, he has now ended the situation so that now overrides everything else he said to you previously.

 

However, I do understand why how hard it is to let go of someone you love. I am also in a FWB situation (after our 6 month relationship ended) with someone who doesn't want to fully commit (though I know his reasons why and I contributed to most of them) and I, too, make excuses for his decisions and reasons and how he really feels about me. But at the end of the day, non-commitment speaks volumes whatever the reasons and we deserve so much better, don't you think?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And then one day, he told me that a lot of his friends knew that we're sort of having an affair and he don't want that.

 

So he tells you not to see anyone else, but the minute his friends figure everything out he decides to end things with you. That tells me that he never had any intentions of making you his gf. Why would you want to be with someone who keeps you a secret and then the minute it is found out, dumps you. You deserve better than that.

[cheng]

"You" feel...you have created these feelings. Only he can answer the questions you are asking us - if you can ask him without begging and sounding desperate that's the only way you're gonna find out what is true and what is imagined.

 

So, you are saying that it is actually okay to ask him if he feels the same way? God! I feel so pathetic.. to tell you honestly, that's what Im really feeling right now. I don't know if I'm the most stupid person but if he actually come back, I will accept him. I really love him.. and I've been crying for like every night. I pity myself.

[cheng]

yes. but what happened to the two of you? you still seeing each other? what I want to right now is, i want to prove something.. like, I have so much to give only if he will give me a chance. but I don't want to beg again, I will not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I do that again. Just wanna ask, what if he comes back? should I accept him? thanks for saying that Im not a loser though I really feel that way now.

[Tanzi]

Well you aren't a loser .. you are human and you are in love. We are all capable of doing crazy things when we are in love. In that respect you are 100% normal ... and more importantly ... entitled to feel hurt. But I agree you should plead no more ... no amount of pleading will get him to change his mind. In fact, if anything, it will make him more determined. I'm sorry to have to say this but there is nothing you can do. All you can do is take a step back and give him time. Maybe he will feel differently in time, maybe he won't ... but please don't hold your breath. As CAD said, as soon as his friends found out he dropped you. You could do with some time too ... time to reflect on what was and more importantly ... what wasn't.

 

As for me and my ex, we are still in touch. I have tried several attempts at NC but he comes a calling and I keep on responding (though I never initiate contact). I call it a FWB but we live over 5.5 hours apart so we rarely get to see each other. He has said he would like to come and see me soon but whether or not he will remains to be seen. The thing is ... the contact ... the getting together ... even holidays away with each other ... it leads nowhere.

 

I am like you, in the fact that I hung on the hope to prove something to him. I see the break down of our relationship as my fault and I thought the fact that he wanted to stay in touch with me and was still attracted to me meant something ... so I hung on ... trying to prove to him how much I had to give too. Its been this way for 17 long months now. Believe me, you don't want to end up in a situation like mine. Every time I start moving on he comes back, leads me on, then backs off again.

 

It really isn't good ... your "ex" has given you the chance to move on ... take it ... get out while you can.

[shessofly]

So, you are saying that it is actually okay to ask him if he feels the same way? God! I feel so pathetic.. to tell you honestly, that's what Im really feeling right now. I don't know if I'm the most stupid person but if he actually come back, I will accept him. I really love him.. and I've been crying for like every night. I pity myself.

 

no, no, no...you are NOT stupid. not at all. what i'm saying is, if this man has already told you that he doesn't want to continue as you are, as much as that hurts, he has given you an answer. have you ever told him how you feel? like i said, it seems as though he has already given you your answer, although not the one you want to hear. i'm so sorry. just learn from this experience and don't allow yourself to be in a FWB situation again.

[cheng]

no, no, no...you are NOT stupid. not at all. what i'm saying is, if this man has already told you that he doesn't want to continue as you are, as much as that hurts, he has given you an answer. have you ever told him how you feel? like i said, it seems as though he has already given you your answer, although not the one you want to hear. i'm so sorry. just learn from this experience and don't allow yourself to be in a FWB situation again.

 

yes. I told him I love him. He didn't say that he doesn't love me back, he just said he can't commit. And yes, I should learn from this mistake. Thanks anyways. You've been very helpful.

[cheng]

I think you're right. I should get out while I can. I just need to believe that I can do this. But the funny thing is, I am nt even mad at him. Maybe it sounds crazy but I understand him though it hurts me a lot. I realized its just a matter of acceptance. But one more question, as I've mention, we work in the same company. What should I do if we like bump into each other? I know that sounds funny, but please dont laugh. I just really dont know what to do, how to act in front of him.

[Tanzi]

But one more question, as I've mention, we work in the same company. What should I do if we like bump into each other? I know that sounds funny, but please dont laugh. I just really dont know what to do, how to act in front of him.

 

It doesn't sound funny at all ... it is awkward bumping into an ex and we dont always know how to conduct ourselves.

 

I wouldn't go out of your way to avoid him as you will make yourself forever anxious about bumping into him. Neither do I think you should ignore him if you do bump into him as you would create an awkward situation for you both in your work place. If you see him you should just smile politely, say a quick "hi" and be on your way. Let him know you are still approachable and that you hold no grudge. I know it might be difficult but I think to be able to feel comfortable and happy at work you need to do this. At the same time he will be seeing you for the nice, respectful person that he first saw and not a bitter unapproachable person that he will wish to avoid.

 

Do you have to deal with him at all at work?

[cheng]

Well, that's what I am actually thinking.. say hi, smile and walk. lol. We work at the same department, we work in a call center company.. though we have diff scheduled shift. Just want to share, I texted him this morning to thank him cause I just realized what he did is well I guess, is kind enough. Because he dont want to commit, he just ended everything. I also said sorry cause my last text to him was totally bitter. He actually replied to my msg and thank me as well. he asked if we can still be friends, I said yes. That's it. Do you think it was okay? thanks.