I feel like I want to slap him...

[zinny]

And I am not one to condone violence of any sort! LOL. But in all seriousness, I am very, very frustrated with my ex right now.

 

I can't go into all the details but everyone knows my story of my ex...who has been following my threads. To sum it up - currently he's living with his "ex" - in their shared home and according his multiple messages to me - he's miserable.

 

So in anycase... before he moved back in... my ex betrayed me again and again, by basically dating his ex again while having me wait and beg in the wings. He kept bringing up excuses on why he needed to head back to his house. And a lot of it revolved around finances... I told him that I would be happy for him to live with me until he got back on his feet - and got the legal paperwork done for him to sell the house. But he kept saying, he needed to go back and do it "his" way.

 

In about December 2009, I finally got my head on straight and said screw this, screw him.... I deserve better and got on with my life.

 

Now my ex has moved back home for about maybe a week now. Since being there he has messaged me non-stop about how unhappy he is... and how he made mistakes... and yadda, yadda, yadda.

 

Now... I don't want to read too much into his messages... but he seems like he wants a chance at reconciliation. After his long winded messages about missing me and hating where he was... he said he wants to get out asap and hopes that one day in the near future we could be together again and live with each other....

 

ALL I CAN SAY IS WTH??? Why is it when I wanted him... he kept pushing me away? And now when he writes this stuff... I think he's just full of it and I want to slap him?

 

In either case, I wrote back to him that I'm not there... that I'm sorry he's unhappy but I won't be living with him anytime soon. That I do harbour a lot of hurt and resentment towards him... and those things can't and will not disappear overnight.

 

He has written back that he understands.... and will "prove" to me where his heart is... where it's always been... and what he had done was never because of what he felt for her or not felt for me... but because of what he felt he had to do - due to his "circumstances". He apparently thinks he will rent a short term rental as soon as he gets his money straightened out and he wants me to give him another chance.

 

I told him that I can't promise anything to anyone... that I am living for me and me alone right now... and if he ever does get out... and she's totally 100% gone from his life, he can give me a call and we'll talk.

 

In anycase.... there's not much change in my situation... but I'm so bloody frustrated. I feel like he's playing a game... one that I don't understand as he knows that as long as he is there... as long as SHE is in his life.. I refuse to be.... so what the heck does he want from me?

[uhohlala]

I refuse to be.... so what the heck does he want from me?

 

I think he wants to know what his options are. If there's no way you'll take him back staying put might start to look better.

 

I'd be very very careful ... just because he wants to know if you're still an option for him doesn't mean that he'll follow through and embrace a path with you. Be careful about being put in the role of being an advocate for a) him getting out of his current situation, and/or b) the two of you getting back together. He needs to make his own decisions based on what he wants and what he takes responsibility for -- you don't want him back simply because it was the most convenient thing, or the path of least resistance.

[minou]

I think you responded to him really well. Glad you're letting yourself be in touch with anger. It's less painful than the grief and will help you move past it. Wish I could feel angry. I'm in a lot of pain right now.

[catfeeder]

Might help you to get clarity about exactly how long he'd need to be completely away from GF before you'd ever trust him again. Otherwise, you'll give him a vague goal--such as leading him to believe that all he needs to do is just move out of GF's and pretend he's not still communicating with her, and you'll take him back.

 

If he believes it could be that easy, you'll never feel confident in him no matter what he 'says'.

 

If he keeps bothering you, I'd set the bar much higher than that. You'd have zero to lose by telling him he'd need to be free of her both physically and emotionally for One Year before contacting you again. If he's willing to do that, you'd have a shot at trusting him again, and if not, well, you've been jerked around enough to not fall for THAT old trick again...

[uhohlala]

Might help you to get clarity about exactly how long he'd need to be completely away from GF before you'd ever trust him again. Otherwise, you'll give him a vague goal--such as leading him to believe that all he needs to do is just move out of GF's and pretend he's not still communicating with her, and you'll take him back.

 

If he believes it could be that easy, you'll never feel confident in him no matter what he 'says'.

 

A very good point, and yet I wonder what harm zinny would be doing herself by being vague. What if he did think that all he needed to do was move out of the house and stop communicating with the ex - and he did those things? If Zinny hadn't explicitly said that's what it would take, she'd be under no obligation to take him back at that point.

[catfeeder]

A very good point, and yet I wonder what harm zinny would be doing herself by being vague. What if he did think that all he needed to do was move out of the house and stop communicating with the ex - and he did those things? If Zinny hadn't explicitly said that's what it would take, she'd be under no obligation to take him back at that point.

 

Because if she wants the pressure to stop, being vague is not the way to accomplish that, it's merely a way to keep playing her part in the same old game. That's not good for her head, especially given her pattern of getting sucked back into false promises. Being vague keeps her on the fence instead of sending him off to go demonstrate what he's REALLY made of.

 

It's one thing to toss out breadcrumbs because you actually want to get seduced back into believing the same old stuff. It's an entirely different solution to clarify where YOU stand. Railing against a game while continuing to play the thing is about as harmful as it gets--it tricks you into believing you're not responsible for your own part in the drama.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would be in fear of being that "she" in his life in the future, if I ever reconciled with him.

[uhohlala]

Because if she wants the pressure to stop, being vague is not the way to accomplish that, it's merely a way to keep playing her part in the same old game. ..... Railing against a game while continuing to play the thing is about as harmful as it gets--it tricks you into believing you're not responsible for your own part in the drama.

 

Ah yes, very very true. Good points all around.

[zinny]

Thanks for the opinions and discussion ladies...

 

I am not in a position though where I'm going to give him any idea of what I want or what I need for a reconciliation because I am not thinking of reconciling with him.

 

There has been a lot of hurt and resentment that I hold within myself towards him to have any type of healthy relationship with this man. I am vague not because I don't have boundaries or want to be "suck" into the drama that is his life. But because I truly have no idea where my feelings lay.

 

The thing is of course, I still do hold love towards my ex. I do not hate him and I do not wish ill upon him. At the same time I do not want to be with him.

 

If he had moved out and gotten "rid" of his ex for good... the truth is that I don't know if I will ever get to the point in which I will believe him. I know I will not right now and I don't know if I ever will get there.

 

I know my part in this drama... and it stems from my heart and it's inability to slam the door on his face forever. I simply don't know if I can say never and I simply don't know if I can say I can forgive him ever. I truly have no idea and I don't think that me deciding on that is what's best for me. The best for me right now is to live life as it is... going out, meeting new people, being single and not setting any obligations or making any "promises" to anyone but myself.

 

Too often I see people who say or do things out of anger or sadness and I don't want to act from a reaction to something... I want to only act when I truly know what it is that I want.

 

I know that currently I do not want this man... not the man he is and not with what he is offering. If he does move out... if he's "free" for a year... if she's gone forever from his life. Does that mean automatic reconciliation to me? HELL NO. I have no idea where I'll be at that point... for me to tell him to be single for a year and then get back to me, I think gives far too much weight in me waiting yet ANOTHER YEAR on top of him still cutting strings... and that would be crazy for me to do.

 

I basically am not waiting for him in any way. Which means I am not setting any goals for him... I'm not telling him what he needs to do to get me back. I simply am telling him that if he ever gets to the point that he is SINGLE... then he can contact me.

 

And AT THAT TIME and only at that time, I will assess the situation for what it is. Who knows when that will happen and who knows where I will be at that time. By then I could be totally over him and I could possibly know that I have no more room to ever want him back. I could also come to the realization that what he has done has harmed me in such a way, I could never overcome it and therefore there is no chance. Or I could be with someone else and very happy.

 

Currently, I am not emotionally stable to answer these questions.... and I can't tell my heart to do by my head and just simply stop feeling. So I'm just setting boundaries away from him and living my life... which is what I think is causing him to panic and make up these ridiculous scenarios in his head about us living together.

 

It's frustrating on my part and I do realize my place in his drama... but I'm doing the best I can with what I know and how I feel... and it's all I can do currently.

[catfeeder]

No need to imply you'd wait for him for a year, it's just reasonable to want to avoid dealing with him for that long. The guy is a mess. You know this. He doesn't have an honest word in his mouth for any of the women he's working right now, of which you know of two. A few weeks or months won't change that. Please don't let him take you down with him. Please don't end up in his ex/gf/ex's shoes--again.

[zinny]

Thanks Catfeeder.... and I agree wholeheartedly, I just need space away from him. Truth be told I want to get over him... I don't want reconciliation but I know my heart still loves him... even after all the crappy things he's done.. My heart won't catch up to my head.

 

I think that's the piece I struggle with the most... the letting go of the emotional attachment. I wish there was a click of a button that could make it stop. It's weird, the hurt and pain has gone... even the sadness is not as predominant. But I still love him... and I have no idea why... I guess it's all just a part of healing and hopefully one day, he'll be a distant part of my past.