Quite scared really... and confused

[meggiemoo72]

Hello Everyone,

Had a rough couple of days and really wanted to ask any advice.

 

I'm 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, still a virgin ... never really held hands with a guy. Only really told two guys I like them, both were pretty good friends- one used to like me and I missed my chance and the other jst saw me as a friend.

Apart from that I have zero experience.

 

I just wondered if anyone here feels the way I do or if I have an actual problem as I'm serously starting to worry. I am so terrified of intimacy. I shy away from it as it terrifies me. I feel awkward, scared, uncomfortable and a lot of the time freaked out and get teary at the thought of it.

 

Don't get me wrong I'd love to fall in love and I am th biggest romantic in the world but the thought of me actually DOING those things just seems too surreal- maybe because it's never happened yet.

 

People back in school (I was always the smart one and was really into acting) used to always say I was so innocent and they found it hard to imagine me with a guy- yea, teenagers can be cruel I guess.

Recently though someone said to me "you know who you remind me of? My grandma". Ouch. (They said it was because I am homely and motherly and always drinking tea but STILL ... not exactly what you want to hear).

 

Let me explain- I'm tall, slimish, outgoing, unique (I have my ow style and interests and ideas), handworking and driven (I'm studying to be a barrister) and recently when someone I know asked me what my first boyfriend wa slike and I told her the truth she couldn't believe it. People don't GET it when I say I've never had a oyfriend and that nobody's shown any interest.

 

I'm very frightened of intimacy and can't even put myself in a position where that may occur. I mean, I'd ratherNOT be in a position like that than give it a go and I play it safe a lot. I can't do what others do and go out to GET guys and I am completely incapable of being sexy or seductive or flirty.

 

My mum knows this guy at hr work who is my age and she's certai we'd hit it off and she tried to set me up with hi yesterday. He even asked me out (he knows nothing about me xcept what my mum's said and what's on my Facebook) as he was in my area. I freaked out. The thought of going to meet up with him TERRIFIED me. I find things like that really difficult yet I'm very comfortable with guys (I live with two) but NOT when there's a chance of anything further than friends.

 

I ened up in tears yesterday because I felt so stupid. Iwas embarassed that my mum tried to set me up, ashamed of mysef because I couldn't go (even my friend said she would have gone) and angry with my mum for putting me in that position. I know she meant well but I don't think she understands my fears. Going to see (as I mentioned previously) one of my friends that I'd TOLD I liked (took a LOTTTTTTTTT for me to do) took me nearly 12 attempts and when I saw him and spent just half n hour with him I was tense, terrified and like a cat in headlights.

 

I feel so childish, so pathetic and I am so desperately lonely sometimes because I know in a way it's MY fault. I am so insecure about myself (although always appear confident, cheerful and bubbly- people always say so but it's inside I am insecure about my body etc) and in a way think it's ok I put barriers up because when people see how diffiult I find these kinds of things....they're gonna think I'm a loser.

 

I am convinced that at my age and as my parents (eventhough as a joke) keep sayig they'd love grandkids, it's just NOT normal to be like this. It's going to take some spectacularly patient and unique guy to ever get me out of this, if that.

 

Has anyone got any advice or experience anything similar?

 

Thank you for reading (sorry it's so long) ....

 

xxxx

[Raize]

Hey there Meggie,

 

I know it is easy to feel uncomfortable or even scared of the idea of being with somebody the longer you leave having a relationship, as much as you might want to experience one.

 

There is of course this peer pressure in society that it is unusual for anyone to not have a relationship by a certain age so friends and family may attempt the 'introduction' thing. I am sure you probably understand that your Mother means well with Her attempt to introduce you to a workmate of Hers, but it seems like it backfired for you because it has made you quite self-conscious of your situation.

 

You know a lot of people meet their partners through their friends or through aquaintances of family members. Maybe you could let your Mum know in the future to make any introductions more low-key and not so 'match-maker' oriented, because that will only create another pressured and embarrassed situation for you which is of course understandable!

 

Maybe you need to try and meet more people on more neutral ground without so much focus on 'matchmaking' and prospective partners. Parties and going out with friends is good for that sort of thing. When you meet the right person who you surely will some day eventually, things will just happen naturally if it is the right person. So try not to over think and over worry yourself about it until then.

[StyleASD]

I agree with Raize, that taking your time and not over thinking things. From what you have posted, I would bet that people have shown interest but just didn’t notice. Kind of like it’s obvious to everyone around you but not to you thing.

 

Personally speaking I applaud you for not jumping in on the peer pressure band wagon; I really think you have nothing to worry about.

 

So to your intimacy problem, you say you’re very good with guy but get scared when there is a chance to be more than just friends???? What I would do in this situation is when you start to worry, or feel nervous about this just remember, you don't have to be anymore than what you want to be. Say your going to a movie or something with someone don't just enjoy the company and the night, and really don’t worry about anything else. This over thinking is causing you to tense up in situations like this am I right???

[meggiemoo72]

You're completely right.

Even BEFORE I've agreed to things I think about things and worry and even think how awkward and scared and nervous I'll be so it'll cause me to NOT do them ... if I ever DO do things it's because I know I'll regret it (like when I told my best friend I really iked him). I don't regret those things eventhough they didn't work out and weirdly eough we're great friends and live in a house of 5 others together.

 

I comletely understand what you say about not needing to do anything I don't want to but I'm just so conerned this weird fear I have will mean I'll NEVER do anything like that. It's like I am so excited and desperate to experience these things yet I'm so frightened of them that I'll sacrifice them and even go so far as NOT experiencing them and avoiding it because of my fear .... it's a catch 22.

 

I know I need something to snap me out of it but I get no offers and eventhough I'm not a shy perso by ANY means, I am terribly terribly shy when it comes to ANYTHING more than friends. It's weird because I'm very touchy feely ad huggy with friends etc and I am an affectionate person etc so I can imagine if I get PAST this weird barrier of mine I'd really be able to LEARN from someone etc.....BUT serioulsy, which guy wants that???

 

No guy wants someone like me who is so ridiculously behind veryone else my age and so incapable of these things coming EASY....I'd be such hard work and take some amazingly patient and understanding guy as I doubt things would move at anything above glacial pace......

 

Thank you so so much for your replies...really lovely and so helpful

 

xx

[YakasJourney]

No guy wants someone like me who is so ridiculously behind veryone else my age and so incapable of these things coming EASY

Here is a guys opinion. I have dated several women who are very experienced with relationships, and I can tell you, many of these women have serious issues. By your logic, these women should "have it easy" and be able to get any guy they want, but at least with me, I found them to be immature and selfish. I think meeting a woman like you would be like a breath of fresh air. So don't despair...you just need to meet the right guy, and be open to something happening. There is a patient guy out there who will like you for who you are, I know this for a fact.

 

I am so insecure about myself (although always appear confident, cheerful and bubbly- people always say so but it's inside I am insecure about my body etc) and in a way think it's ok I put barriers up because when people see how diffiult I find these kinds of things....they're gonna think I'm a loser.

You are not a loser. These are things you can work on. You just have to put yourself out there and not be afraid. I know it is really hard to go on blind dates, but just try it. Have fun. Tell your date how weird you think it is! On some level we are all insecure, even the people who don't appear to be.

[catfeeder]

I have a piss-poor analogy for you, but I hope it helps. Pretend you're a kid without the means to buy one of those big electric toys cars, but it seems that most of the kids around you spin around in them. They plug along and crash into one another, and some of them even believe they're excellent drivers.

 

This doesn't mean you won't be a good driver as an adult when you finally get behind the wheel of a REAL car and learn how to drive it.

 

Same is true of the relationship dramas you've seen play out around you. Kids hook up, create dramas, crash n' burn, but this doesn't necessarily make them more capable of healthy intimacy as adults. In fact, some kids damage themselves with these early experiences, and this makes them LESS able to handle adult relationships.

 

Don't spin yourself into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Overthinking is navel-gazing gone wrong. Focus on your interests and explore your hidden talents, and consider this time in your life as a metamorphosis rather than a time to cocoon. It might be uncomfortable, but that's true for everyone regardless of which stage of life their growing pains hit them the hardest. You have the choice to seek a payoff for your patience and fortitude or to squelch it all with fear. (I vote for payoff.)

 

In your corner.

[Ginger1]

Try not to frett to much. Really, I am not that different from you- same boat but 21. I think people are always surprised to find out someone our age has never dated anyone. I usually don't tell people and people don't ask. However a whole group of my friends are virgins or haven't really dated and they are really cool fun people, so trust me, you really are NOT alone.

 

As far as fearing intimacy etc, yeah it is a little daunting to think that you will "have to do those things" . But take comfort in the fact that you don't have to DO anything until you feel comfortable, and I get the feeling that by the time you know someone or love them etc, it's not going to be an issue.

 

I found this board because I was in a little depressive spell myself, it sucked and I felt exactly the same as you. But I'm in school and currently I have a TON of stuff on my plate and I a completely consumed by that and thus my attitude has become much lighter. I am back to loving Rom-Coms instead of feeling bad afterwards! haha.

 

Hang in there- you will do great and don't feel pressured to date people-even if it's your mother setting you up. Just tell her that you would rather meet someone on your own.

[timida]

Hi all,

 

I've been lurking on these forms for a little while and finally decided to join because I was going to post for advice, but it turns out meggiemoo72 beat me to it!

 

Meggiemoo72 - I swear I could have written the exact same post as you, except I'm quite a bit older (31 year old female). My level of experience and fear around dating, relationships and intimacy is the same as yours though, thanks to a pretty severe case of generalized social anxiety.

 

I could relate the most to the following things you said:

 

"No guy wants someone like me who is so ridiculously behind everyone else my age and so incapable of these things coming EASY "

 

"I am so insecure about myself and in a way think it's ok I put barriers up because when people see how diffiult I find these kinds of things....they're gonna think I'm a loser."

 

I feel extremely pathetic and like a loser because I'm 31 and have never had a boyfriend. I've been on a handful of dates but never done anything more than hug a guy.

 

The real issue now is that I've met a guy who seems great - funny, intelligent, kind, hard working, has good family values, etc. He also seems very patient and gentle - the kind of guy who would have enough patience to deal with someone with my issues BUT I'm not attracted to him. I've been out with him 3 times and I just don't feel a physical or sexual attraction. I don't imagine wanting to kiss or touch him and I don't know if that's just because of my own issues with physical intimacy or the fact that I'm not attracted to him.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and can offer advice.

 

Thanks in advance!