Is marriage/singlehood overrated?

[metafisics]

Almost all women/men would like to get married. They have some expectations that their lives would be better when they do. However, statistics have proven other wise, with 50% getting divorced and 50% of those who stay married being unhappy. Leaving only 25% of happily married people.

 

For Married/Divorced

 

1. Honestly, is marriage worth pursuing? (I would really love to get some honest answers from married or divorced people).

 

For Singles

 

2. The flipside: Are there single people who in their prime did not meet someone they thought was worth marrying and later in life/in old age regretted not settling for what was available?

 

Your insights will be highly appreciated.

[LazyDaisy]

I am 41 and never married. I was engaged a long time ago. I broke it off. Still glad I did. I will never get married, but I do have a child. I am dating someone who never wants to get married again. Maybe he wants to move in together someday. I don't mind. We are really happy.

It used to bother me because I thought I was missing out on something by not being married. I think I always felt that if I didn't have the same type of family dynamic I had growing up that somehow my life was incomplete. But once I stopped comparing myself to others and worrying about what I was missing out on, I realized that I am really happy this way. The truth is, its nice having my own space. I am sure I would feel differently if I had no boyfriend at all. But I have one and we are not married and never will be and that is ok.

[HouseKitten]

I'm between your categories right now since I'm not single but I am hoping to move in with and get engaged to my boyfriend sometime during the coming year.

 

I do feel marriage is worth pursuing. But, I do think some people end up distorting marriage so that they are willing to blind themselves to whether or not a relationship is actually right, so long as they achieve this 'goal'. Marriage is very much hyped up, especially for women, as the happiest day of your life. And although it may well be for some, I think all this focus goes on the wedding the wedding the wedding and people lose sight of the fact that it means staying with this one person, through sickness and health, for the rest of your lives.

 

However - is divorce the end of the world? I don't think so. It's horrible and can split families apart and turn worlds upside down, but thousands of people who get divorced eventually remarry and live happily with their new partner. A divorce does not equal being doomed to failure forever - it's just another breakup, on a bigger scale. It's a relationship with a bigger investment maybe, especially financially, but people who live together break up all the time, move on and meet new people.

 

Marriage is just another stage in a relationship. If it comes to an end, it's very sad but it's not the end of someone's life, so what's the deal with all these horrible statistics and figures? It's far sadder that people stay married if their unhappy. At least with a divorce, you can eventually dry your eyes, move on and make a new life for yourself.

[Batya33]

I am a newlywed (well, married 13 months) and am in my early 40s. I think it's definitely worth pursuing but I also recognize that that is a very individual opinion - I tend to like "institutions" and structure, I always liked being part of a couple although I was never lonely when I was single. I like the companionship, the knowing that I am part of a team, that someone has my back - even though I didn't know I would feel that way because for so many years I was used to and happy being independent. Even though I always had close family and friends - and close romantic relationships, since I always lived on my own and took care of myself I never had the 100% sense that I was part of a partnership, a family, the way I do now. It's probably silly because my husband and I were together for 3 years before we got engaged, I was pregnant when we married (yes it was totally planned!!) and of course I knew he was there for me 1000% without a marriage certificate. Still, I feel a difference. I like knowing that on a Friday night if it's raining that we'll have a cozy night in, even though when I was single I was perfectly content spending time with me on a rainy Friday night.

 

Also for me marriage and family were not separable - I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't eager for a family (whether we adopted, had a baby, etc) and I wasn't married before we had the baby so the perspective I have might be different from a couple who waited to have children. From the parenthood perspective I think it's great to be married and have a child - to be sharing this experience and knowing that we are a happy, and stable family. I personally wouldn't feel as secure (for myself or for our child) if we weren't married but that's just me.

 

When I was single in my 30s there were one or two people I regretted not marrying when I was in my 20s -- but not the person I was engaged to in my 20s. I feel like I'm in my prime now - in great health, tons of energy, a successful career of many years so I feel I reached most of my potential there, great friends as a result of my coming into my own in my 30s - I became a better friend, I think. So this whole "prime" thing is irrelevant in my individual case.

 

The divorce rate - sure, I am familiar with it - but like so many people, you just decide that you're going to take the plunge, to put your all into it, and you try to lessen the risk by makng the best choice you can make, not rocket science!

[metafisics]

Thanks LD.

 

How would things be different if you didnt have a ma? Would you wish you were married? They say you can be married and still be lonely. Are you saying its better if you are lonely with a partner than being lonely and alone.

[metafisics]

Thank HK. The focus of my question is not people who are happy together and just see marriage as the next step in their relationship. I am referring more to the pursuit of marriage at all cost.

 

I agree with you, I also have absolutely nothing against divorce. In my books, its better than staying in an unhappy marriage.

[metafisics]

Thanks Batya. Oh my prime includes 40's by the way To me that you have turned down a number of people is an indication you didnt pursue marriage at all cost. Marriage was the next step in a well functioning relationship. This I believe is the only reason why people should get married, whether you meet that person in your, 20s or 50s.

 

But then again, I dont know it all, that is why I'm asking. I would really like people who have the experience to tell me what they think.

[LazyDaisy]

I guess what I am trying to say, is I used to think I had to get married, but was not willing to just marry anyone. I was waiting for the right one. I met the right one and he doesn't want to get married. I would rather have what we have than break up with him to look for someone else to marry. I am fine with giving up the marriage part. If I had never met him I would not be ok being all alone. I would want someone in my life.

 

I believe marriage could be wonderful with the right person, and I think that the reason there are so many unhappy marriages and divorces because people do not always marry for the right reason. I think many people,women especially focus on the wedding, they want that big wedding. But do they really think what a lifetime will be like with that person or do they just want to be married and not alone?

[amtjrtcet]

Almost all women/men would like to get married. They have some expectations that their lives would be better when they do. However, statistics have proven other wise, with 50% getting divorced and 50% of those who stay married being unhappy. Leaving only 25% of happily married people.

 

For Married/Divorced

 

1. Honestly, is marriage worth pursuing? (I would really love to get some honest answers from married or divorced people).

 

For Singles

 

2. The flipside: Are there single people who in their prime did not meet someone they thought was worth marrying and later in life/in old age regretted not settling for what was available?

 

Your insights will be highly appreciated.

 

 

I'm married, and I love being married. Its unexplainable. If you marry someone you are in love with and the two of you are right for eachother its a beautiful thing.

We're in the honeymoon stage, newlyweds...but regardless I love it. I couldn't imagine not being married to him, sharing every life experience with him. I couldn't imagine not saying those vows and taking his last name. Its a beautiful beautiful thing when its real and when its the way God intended it to be.

[ElChup]

My ex and I were as good and married, even though we were still at the engagement stage....and do you know what? I'd kill to have it back. I questioned whether or not I was happy and the time, but that's because I was one of these people who was never satisfied. Having lost it, I realise actually how happy I had become. I miss the close companionship very dearly.

 

But, that said, I very much believe it depends on the people. My ex-fiancé and I were both brought up well, in solid homes and taught respect and family values. So for us it was very important to us to have that close family bond, even before kids came along. I know that other people don't always see it like that, that they want to live their lives as themselves, with a partner on the outskirts.

 

Each person is an individual and therefore each partneship is a unique combination of many factors.

[metafisics]

Yep, my sentiments exactly, however, society seems to glorify married people and somehow alineate single people. People see a single person at a certain age as the odd one out, without considering the quality of marriage for those who are married.

 

Which leaves me wondering, do people find marriage desirable, or are they running away from being single?

[amtjrtcet]

Yep, my sentiments exactly, however, society seems to glorify married people and somehow alineate single people. People see a single person at a certain age as the odd one out, without considering the quality of marriage for those who are married.

 

Which leaves me wondering, do people find marriage desirable, or are they running away from being single?

 

I don't think a healthy person runs away from being single. I was happy when I was single. Happy with myself, my life, my career. But when I met him I was even more happy.

[metafisics]

I am really happy for those who are married and happy. The 25% I mentioned above represent people who are trully happy togher and decide it to take it to the next level.

 

My question however is to the 75% that gets married even when they feel its not right. I have a divorced friend of mine who says, she knew at the alter that it was not forever. These are the people I am talking about. People who get married even though they know deep down they do not love this person, but stick around because of his or asssets. People who marry someone who abuses them emotionally or otherwise. Marrying someone whom you know is marrying you for something other than love.

 

These are some of the situations I'm talking about.

[Sanesoul]

Marriage is hard, hard work. If you find the right person though, it can be so fulfilling. I love my husband and we share so many common interests that it's like living with my best friend.

[metafisics]

I don't think a healthy person runs away from being single. I was happy when I was single. Happy with myself, my life, my career. But when I met him I was even more happy.

 

In that case, judging by a number of people who hold on to unhappy marriages, there are many unhealthy people then!

[metafisics]

Oh, that's a qestion for another day Elchup: "people who do not want to commit to people they are happy with because they are afraid something better might come along". I've always wondered whether they regret it in life when they realise nothing better is coming.

 

Sorry for your loss though. I guess its hard to know, because you probably felt like you were settling is you married her with doubts.

[shes2smart]

For most of us, life will be a series of cycles of being single and being coupled or married.

 

In either state, I think a large part of whether someone is happy or not has a lot to do with are they basically happy with themselves. Being with someone else only temporarily masks any negative feelings one has about oneself. It also gives a person someone to blame for not being happy when that temporary rush of inital new romance wears off.

 

So, all these failed marriages people like to cite -- is the problem marriage itself? Or is the problem that people who weren't exactly mentally healthy/happy to begin with thought marriage would be the solution to their problems? Expecting marriage to "fix" what's wrong inside of an individual (or "fix" any problems in an existing relationship) would be like me taking my KitchenAid mixer out to the garage and expecting to use to it fix my car....then blaming the mixer for failing to fix my car. I'm trying to use the mixer for something it was never intended to do, not designed to do and isn't capable of doing.

 

I had a couple opportunities to get married in my 20s. While I agreed in theory, neither I or either of those partners ever got serious about the actual carrying out of those plans. I suspect if I pushed the agenda, it could've happened. In hindsight, the truth was I didn't think marriage was a good idea for me at that time. The reality (again, in hindsight) was I just wasn't ready -- I had a lot of my own crap to work through before I could be capable of being a co-creator of a healthy marriage.

 

10 or so years of off and on therapy later, at some point in my mid 30s, it was like a switch flipped and I felt ready to make the kind of commitment marriage takes. Unfortunately, that was also about the time I discovered my then-live-in bf was cheating on me. So even though I wanted quite the opposite, I broke up with him and went back to therapy to experiement with speed-healing from the break-up.

 

Again, in hindsight, turns out that was the right course of action. Because I was single, available, and (thanks to therapy) in a good frame of mind about myself and my life when I met the guy I would marry. We got maried just a few weeks after I turned 38. We've been married for 7.5 years now. Had I met him any earlier in my life, I would not have been ready for or capable of creating this relationship....and depending on how much earlier, he definitely would not have been relationship material for me. (He's 11 years younger than I am).

 

I think there are people who get married for reasons that have nothing to do with wanting to share/build a life with another person...and I think that's where the ground starts to get shaky in regards to the health and potential longevity of the union. Or they buy into that whole "building a life with someone" idea without knowing what all that means or before they've even built a life for themselves.

 

I had built a life for myself before I met my husband. It was a good life. I would've been fine living that life with just me if I never met him....and I'm fine living the life I'm living now.

 

But the commonality in both of those things is being fine with the relationship I have with myself....without that, it all starts to unravel....and the next thing you know, I'm standing in the garage trying to do an oil change with a mixer.

[amtjrtcet]

In that case, judging by a number of people who hold on to unhappy marriages, there are many unhealthy people then!

 

Exactly..........

[LazyDaisy]

Yep, my sentiments exactly, however, society seems to glorify married people and somehow alineate single people. People see a single person at a certain age as the odd one out, without considering the quality of marriage for those who are married.

 

Which leaves me wondering, do people find marriage desirable, or are they running away from being single?

 

I almost married someone when I was in my 20's. I knew it wasn't going to work out because I didn't love him but I almost did it anyway. The reason was because I didn't want to be single and I was afraid to be alone. I knew he really loved me and I thought that was enough. I was afraid if I left him I would end up in something worse.

 

I think people need to stop comparing themselves to others, do what is comfortable for them and stop worrying about what other people think. I always felt akward at being the only single parent at different functions because I thought the other parents were talking about me or feeling sorry for me. Once I really began to be happy with my partner and realizing what we have is great even if we live in 2 different houses, I stopped caring what these people think about me.

[shes2smart]

I stopped caring what these people think about me.

 

Provided one is not a sociopath, I have found ^that is the real key to happiness with one's own life.

[SayWhen]

I think marriage/partnership is wonderful if you want to share your life intimately with another person. I experienced that with my ex, and I enjoyed it. However, I am now seeing the upside to being single since the break-up, and I plan to do and enjoy many of the things I couldn't do while in a relationship. My path as of right now is to enjoy life, live it to its fullest, and if someone comes along, then pursue that as well...but I am not actively searching and I see nothing wrong with singlehood. I enjoy it!

[metafisics]

You and me have the same attitude in this regard.

[metafisics]

On the other hand some of those wives could have been resenting you for being brave enough to do what they couldnt do. Being content with being single.

[Batya33]

I think marriage/partnership is wonderful if you want to share your life intimately with another person. I experienced that with my ex, and I enjoyed it. However, I am now seeing the upside to being single since the break-up, and I plan to do and enjoy many of the things I couldn't do while in a relationship. My path as of right now is to enjoy life, live it to its fullest, and if someone comes along, then pursue that as well...but I am not actively searching and I see nothing wrong with singlehood. I enjoy it!

 

One of the reasons marriage was for me was because I never related to the mindset of "things I couldn't do when I was in a relationship" - except of course date other people (which if I wanted to do meant I should not be in a relationship with that person). Technically there are things I can't do when in a relationship - make plans on a weekend without first checking with my spouse, for example - but those are not things I care about or want to do so it's irrelevant.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I used to want to get married. However, life experience and seeing the marriages of many people I know, I realize now that I don't want to get married and I never want to live with someone. I would like a loving partner to hang out with, but I do not want to share living space and be bound to someone and be stuck with all their BS. I want my freedom to be able to walk away with minimum of fuss if they become lazy, irresponsible, uncompassionate and horrible to be around.