Is marriage/singlehood overrated?

[maalox]

1. Honestly, is marriage worth pursuing? (I would really love to get some honest answers from married or divorced people).

 

Marriage can be the single most rewarding thing that you experience in your life. It can also be the most miserable, lonely sort of existence there is.

 

I don't know the answer. I only know that life happens. Stuff happens to you and that leaves you with baggage, or not, but you are changed. Stuff happens to your spouse and that leaves them with baggage, or not, but they are changed. Stuff happens to you as a couple which leaves you both with baggage, or not, or different kinds or amounts of baggage and changes.

 

These changes accumulate at different rates and they are not always compatible. Over the last 14 years my wife and I have been through more crap than anybody should have to go through. We've walked through some of it hand in hand. We've walked through it on parallel paths or found our own paths. I used to quip that we put the fun in dysfunctional. Now we just put the func in dysfunctional.

 

Right now I am miserable and lonely and have been for years. Last year I was separated for 8 months and even had my divorce filed in the courts and was about two weeks away from final orders.

 

I got talked into trying it again and absolutely hate my life. All the crap that had me walk is back in full force on steroids. My problem is that I am totally in love with this person while recognizing that together we have become poison. It sucks. I hate it. Don't get married.

 

maalox

[metafisics]

I used to want to get married. However, life experience and seeing the marriages of many people I know, I realize now that I don't want to get married and I never want to live with someone. I would like a loving partner to hang out with, but I do not want to share living space and be bound to someone and be stuck with all their BS. I want my freedom to be able to walk away with minimum of fuss if they become lazy, irresponsible, uncompassionate and horrible to be around.

 

Yep. I'm in that space too. I enjoy my space but would love to have a loving partner. However, I must admit that whilst I am fine now, I cant help but wonder if its something I'll regret when I'm in my fifties and older.

[metafisics]

Sorry you feel the way you do maalox, but I really appreciate your contribution. I sometimes feel that I'll be damned if I do, I'll be damned if I dont.

 

I hate the pressure I feel to date right now. The truth is I dont wanna spend my life man-hunting. Trying to be at the right place at the right time etc. I just wanna be myself and do the things I want to do without feeling like I'm running out of time, chasing something I dont know whether is as desirable as people make it out to be.

 

However, do you really believe that your life would have been much better without marriage, or you are just upset now?

[Circe]

Almost all women/men would like to get married. They have some expectations that their lives would be better when they do. However, statistics have proven other wise, with 50% getting divorced and 50% of those who stay married being unhappy. Leaving only 25% of happily married people.

 

For Married/Divorced

 

1. Honestly, is marriage worth pursuing? (I would really love to get some honest answers from married or divorced people).

 

Depends on who you are, who you marry and what life throws at you.

 

I've only been married a year. My personal answer at this early stage is a definite yes its worth it.

 

The best part is having a better half. I didn't know what that meant until I got married.

[thejigsup]

I was once married. Never again. I lost myself being part of a couple that closely intertwined. I never, ever, remarried and it's been 20 years. I'm happy single. I am in charge of my life and I love it! To each their own. If someone is happier being married, than I wish them a happy marriage. I just don't think such a thing exists, really.

[maalox]

Sorry you feel the way you do maalox, but I really appreciate your contribution. I sometimes feel that I'll be damned if I do, I'll be damned if I dont.

 

I hate the pressure I feel to date right now. The truth is I dont wanna spend my life man-hunting. Trying to be at the right place at the right time etc. I just wanna be myself and do the things I want to do without feeling like I'm running out of time, chasing something I dont know whether is as desirable as people make it out to be.

 

However, do you really believe that your life would have been much better without marriage, or you are just upset now?

 

I absolutely believe that my life would have been better without THIS marriage, but that’s only as of right now. We were two people completely, utterly, totally in love and had successfully merged two families (me with 3 and her with 4) and had a blessed and blissed out five years or so. There were still lots of life challenges thrown at us, but we handled them better.

 

Then the accumulating baggage started to really impact our lives together in very negative ways.

 

Statistically speaking: I think any other random marriage would not have given me the amount and magnitude of challenges that this one has….

 

I also absolutely believe that my best hope for a lifetime of happiness is with my wife and my family. The question on my mind becomes: What is the risk of never finding that happiness, or any freaking happiness these days, VS the reward of finding it ? Is it worth it ? Should I just move on and see what second best has to offer ? Will considering second best change me into a person who too easily settles for second best ? Third best ? Where does it stop ?

 

I don’t want to hijack your thread though, so let’s talk about you 

 

I’m sorry you’re feeling pressured to date. Is that pressure self-inflicted or external ? Does dating to you mean dating-to-mate or dating-for-fun ? The dating scene is really awful I’m told, though when I was separated I dated a few times and it wasn’t so bad, but I wasn’t looking for a spouse either.

 

To get married or not is one of those questions that each of us has to decide for ourselves. There are lots of reasons (benefits?) to be married that have nothing to do with love. If you got enough of those things Just live your life and let love find you.

 

I totally hear you when you say damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Because you are. You are also blessed if you do, and blessed if you don’t, That’s another line of thought though…

 

maalox

 

Marriage comes with three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

[Car Chick]

Why would anyone not want to get married?

 

I don't want to be alone forever. I want to wake up in the arms of my lover every morning and have wild sex every night. I just can't understand not wanting marriage.

[Car Chick]

I think that those 25% could be a much bigger portion if people would think things out first. Don't jump into marriage. Wait until your ready and work work work on your marriage. It's important to work on your marriage BEFORE issues arise. Make it strong enough that you don't have to worry about those issues arising as often. And when they do, be willing to work through it. I know that marriage will be far from perfect. My parents were on the edge of divorce for 4 years, but they worked on the problems and now they are a wonderfully happy couple and have seen total revival in their marriage. They are like newlyweds again.

[Batya33]

Why would anyone not want to get married?

 

I don't want to be alone forever. I want to wake up in the arms of my lover every morning and have wild sex every night. I just can't understand not wanting marriage.

 

Because two people don't need to be married to have what you described, and many married people cannot or don't have what you described.