WOMEN - I need your advice

[coyne740]

Ok... so here is my original thread...

 

 

 

 

Now, if you read that... I need advice from the women on this site, not the men, because, honestly, most of the guys here (me included) don't think like a woman.

 

This woman is now saying that she really feels more chemistry with me than the guy she is dating, but, he has certain things I don't.. I have had insecurity issues since I lost about 100 pounds in the last year (I got skinny and have self-esteem issues, I know, messed up)... I asked her if she was stringing me along for emotional support and she said no, she could be talking to 3 guys right now for that if she wanted. She has said she really misses me, thinks of me all of the time and has agreed to meet up for coffee Monday.

 

I have messed up twice this week, calling her anxious and asking her why she is dating someone else and gets mad if I start talking about any other woman. I am not dating right now, because I have decided to work on my issue of not letting a relationship define me, but I know the relationship I have with her is not good for me either right now. But we do dumb things when we want someone back. I have an incredibly high confidence level right now, I really don't care if she does come back, I just want to know what you would suggest for the coffee date, and if this sounds like she is stringing me along or just wants to see if I have the ability to "grow up" before she decides to be in a relationship with me.

[pumpkinmoon]

Ok, I would go on the coffee date, tell her what you want, seems to me you want to get back together with her. Ask her for a solid answer, if she is unsure or messes you about then go NC.

[LoveSoDeep]

Hmmm sounds like she does genuinely miss you and she thinks she could give you a chance. I'm not sure what kind of issues she couldn't handle when she decided to call it quits...but maybe after sometime away the good started to outweigh the bad...and yes she may be being cautious to see if you have made or are willing to make the changes she wants to see before she committs to you again.

 

When you get together for coffee just be honest....that's the one thing I really want (and yes this is me so your ex might be totally different)is for a guy to be honest with me and not hold back...now with her you may want to hold back from anything that would sound anxious and needy but if you're going to give this any kind of shot (even if it's just being friends)you have to be honest.

[Superman87]

Ok... so here is my original thread...

 

 

 

 

Now, if you read that... I need advice from the women on this site, not the men, because, honestly, most of the guys here (me included) don't think like a woman.

 

.... and the problem with asking the majority of women on here is that they are all desperate for their ex's to come back and so will perhaps tell you what they wish for their dumper boyfriend to do rather than what is best for you in your situation.

 

(I apologies in advance for all those women on here who I know would offer this man some fantastic and spot on advice).

[Tanzi]

Ah, I commented on your other post.

 

If you really don't care if she comes back then I would suggest that don't go ahead with the coffee date. As I said in the other post ... bottom line is she has a boyfriend. There seems little point in getting involved in a what could be a complicated situation (and it sounds as if it will be) if you really aren't that bothered.

 

.... and the problem with asking the majority of women on here is that they are all desperate for their ex's to come back and so will perhaps tell you what they wish for their dumper boyfriend to do rather than what is best for you in your situation.

 

(I apologies in advance for all those women on here who I know would offer this man some fantastic and spot on advice).

 

And so too, many men, of course.

 

On the flipside, being that desperate/hurt/ever hopeful dumpee, we also know that it is best to try to move on and not hang on to something we can't have, despite the difficulties we may have in letting go ourselves.

 

Oh and apology accepted

[Soprano]

Never ask women for advice on women.

EVER.

[HeartGoesOn]

Since she's dating another guy, what's to be gained by meeting up with her?

 

She's with someone else...period!

[coyne740]

Well... he is the rebound... she started dating him about a week after we broke up, and she has said she wants to be with me, but she wants to see if I have grown. She has said that if I have grown, she would definitely leave him for me. I have dated around, but learned that the people aren't her and I don't want to be with them. She wants to end it with him in person and he travels 3 weeks out of the month for his job.

[HeartGoesOn]

Well... he is the rebound... she started dating him about a week after we broke up, and she has said she wants to be with me, but she wants to see if I have grown. She has said that if I have grown, she would definitely leave him for me. I have dated around, but learned that the people aren't her and I don't want to be with them. She wants to end it with him in person and he travels 3 weeks out of the month for his job.

 

The only reason that she should leave him is if she truly wants to, and sees that it's not working. What she's doing is seeing if a better offer comes up, which is being deceitful towards the guy she is currently with.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't get back together, but she needs to end the relationship that she's in first, without you being in the picture.

[minou]

Why are you bothering if you don't really care if she comes back? I don't get this at all. Is this an ego thing for you? It doesn't sound like you love her.

[EQIQ]

Why are you bothering if you don't really care if she comes back? I don't get this at all. Is this an ego thing for you? It doesn't sound like you love her.

 

I feel like sometimes us guys confuse ego and love a bit... I myself aint even sure what to think of my situation at the moment. If I still love her, or just want her to love me out of ego.

 

This is in no way to comment on the OP, but I feel like minou's post might be of relevance.

[coolchick64]

I don't think it ever hurts to get more information and having coffee seems harmless enough so, what the heck? Do it.

 

There are a few things about your post that put me off though. There's the obvious problem that she's dating someone else, which should take reconciliation off the table--I mean, first things first, right? But there's also something off about the way she's acting.

 

For one, it's not cool to tell one guy you'll leave another guy to have him under the right circumstances. What's she telling this other guy? Rebound or not, it doesn't reflect well on her that she would string him along just in case she doesn't want you after all.

 

Second, what's this BS about "I could have three guys right now if that's what I wanted?" That was a pretty egotistical response. How about, "No, I'd never do that to you. You mean more to me than that"?

 

Finally, I don't like that you need to pass some test before she'll consider it---like she has to check you out first. You're a human being that she once claimed to love, not a pair of shoes. I'd feel better about the whole thing if she respected and valued you more.

 

Her overall attitude seems to be something like she's this great prize and if you win her over, she might consider you, but if not, the world's beating a path to her door, so who cares? Don't you think you deserve better than that?

[DaveTrump]

You say that you've dated other girls and they just don't match your ex. Reason being, you haven't got over her yet. You also mention that you don't care whether you get back together or not but I think that's denial of not moving on too. Her meeting you for coffee while she is with someone else doesn't paint much of a picture. Sure she says things like she likes you more than him but who is she sleeping with at night?

 

Actions and words.

[coyne740]

Ok... so I wanted to update this. I have attempted to move on, I have... I cut off communication, she initiates all of it, but we just talk in circles (What do you want, time, confused, etc). So I got sick of it. Threw out the ultimatum. "I'm sick of the games, you either want to be with me or you don't". She got mad, pretty much told me to stick it and do what I want. I have not seen this girl for 3 months, so breaking off all contact really isn't that hard and other than our occasional talks.

 

She is using typical push/pull and last night, we had it out pretty bad when she found out that I was back out dating and had actually met a few people this past weekend.

 

She and I spoke about the guy she is seeing, they only see each other once a month and really haven't spoken since the holidays (she has no reason to lie, if she really wanted to hurt me, she would have said they saw each other all the time, and trust me, last night, she was out to hurt me). I acted non-chaliant about the whole situation, said she could do what she wanted and I was going to date other people while she "took her time" to figure out what she needed.

 

Of course, this culminated in her actually taking me up on the offer to see each other this weekend, go out to dinner and spend some time together. However, she said it depended on whether or not her sister was going to do something for her (the sister's) birthday. So far, no answer, but honestly, I don't care either way, I have stuff to do whether or not she comes down.

 

Well... that's where it stands today, I back off, she comes back, I come back, she backs off. I guess it just takes day to day. Until then, I am meeting people in my new town, even if they are "dates" (I tell every girl up front that I still have feelings for the ex), and doing what I have to do.

[1guygirl]

so if thats the case, why hasnt she called it quits with him already?

 

regardless of you - hes not much of a catch according to her, so whats the deal ending it?

 

but then add that to the fact she wants to see if you've changed before she will consider finnishing an unsatisfactory 'relationship'

 

then add ONTOP of that that you still feel insecure and unconfident (in other words you havent changed or worked on yourself enough

 

then add to the fact you have told her you want her back but are continuing to date others ?? (why do guys do this thinkin it pulls us women in COS IF DOESNT!!!)

 

....i think this will just be a waste of time in this instance.

 

she has to:

 

end it with the other guy, FOR GOOD, and not date others

 

you have to sort your sh*t out and work on you and not date others

 

 

 

[coyne740]

She hasn't stopped seeing him, because they really are not seeing each other... I am going to see other people because I am ready to, I know I am ready to and if she comes back, she does, if she doesn't then I learn from it.

 

I am incredibly secure in who I am and I am confident to live my life alone or with someone. I have learned that I don't want just HER, I want someone to enhance my life, but if I don't have someone, I am ok as well. Pretty much, this post was to say that I am moving on and if she comes back, she does. It is a waste of my time right now and I finally realize that.

[1guygirl]

She hasn't stopped seeing him, because they really are not seeing each other... I am going to see other people because I am ready to, I know I am ready to and if she comes back, she does, if she doesn't then I learn from it.

 

I am incredibly secure in who I am and I am confident to live my life alone or with someone. I have learned that I don't want just HER, I want someone to enhance my life, but if I don't have someone, I am ok as well. Pretty much, this post was to say that I am moving on and if she comes back, she does. It is a waste of my time right now and I finally realize that.

 

its great that you have come to that realization....but unless ive read your posts wrong, you reply seems to contradict what you have been saying through this thread

 

sorry if i misread this but wish you all the best for the future

[PennyLane09]

don't meet up w/her..she has a boyfriend.....she either wants to be w/you or she doesn't....what is there to know? if she wanted you back, she'd dump the other guy and come back. also, can you really trust someone who's dating someone else and having phone sex w/you?

 

*sorry if i misunderstood, i thought there was someone else

[coyne740]

Gave her the ultimatum... Leave him, then we will meet. She sees him next Thursday, and has told me that she wants to be with me. We will see how this plays out, it's day by day for now, and I am taking it with a grain of salt, but patience is a virtue.

[1guygirl]

Gave her the ultimatum... Leave him, then we will meet. She sees him next Thursday, and has told me that she wants to be with me. We will see how this plays out, it's day by day for now, and I am taking it with a grain of salt, but patience is a virtue.

 

thats all you can do mate...but dont take any crap off her either...