Should I visit unannounced?

[Abby]

Earlier this year, I made a new friend at work and we're getting on well. A few weeks ago, I invited him to my home for coffee during the holidays. Initially he accepted and seemed pleased but a couple of days later when I tried to arrange a date/time, he said he wasn't sure what he was doing. After the holidays, I learned that he hadn't done anything, so, really, he could have accepted my invite after all.

 

I'm guessing that in the couple of days it took from my invitation to arranging a date/time, he talked himself out it. I know it wasn't anything personal and suspect fear was the influencing factor. The fear I speak of is getting close to people. At work, he doesn't seek conversation, unless it's strictly work-related yet he welcomes approaches from colleagues to converse with.

 

Just to be certain he doesn't misunderstand my friendly approaches, I tell him about my husband and children in our conversations. Also, I know from our conversations that he spends a lot of time at home alone and always takes work home with him, to the point of excess.

 

It crossed my mind that since he's likely to refuse any future invitations, that I just turn up and coax him out of the house to go for a walk! Normally, I wouldn't dare do such a thing but I thought that if he talks himself out of it, turning up unexpectedly would remove that possibility. Another colleague, although doubtful at the idea, said that I should perhaps take my disabled son along so that my friend will be sure that my intentions are friendly and not otherwise.

 

My question is: what do you all think? Should I visit unannounced with my son?

 

Thanks for your help.

[GimmeASpork]

Hey Abby,

 

No, I wouldn't show up unanounced at his place. He might feel really pressured and it might make it worse. I just want to know, how come you're so intersted in having contact with him? Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable with your attentions knowing you're married. If all you want is friendship, then I suggest you and your husband invite him to your house for a bbq or something and encourage him to bring a friend and let him know you're inviting other people too. That way it won't look like you just want to get some time with him alone.

[Abby]

Thank you for your rapid response.

 

I was uncertain about any course of action which is why I posted.

 

I agree that he would very likely feel pressured as he prefers solitude rather than company and I don't want him to feel that way.

 

My interest in him is because he reminds me a little of my Mum, a little of my Dad but mostly of me before I dragged myself out of my shell and became more confident. When I was like him, I yearned for a friend like me who would undertand me so well but it never happened.

 

I tried inviting him around for coffee but he bottled out. I don't know if it was fear of being alone with me or fear of being with me and my family that put him off. I sense that he doesn't like talking with so many people at once and he's more comfortable with one-to-one conversations. It's difficult to gauge.

 

Thanks again for your welcomed response. I'll think it over some more.

 

Take care

Abby