Not sure what this is I still feel...we became friends again now after a long time

[Tears May Fall]

So Im friends with my ex now again after not speaking to her for a long time, we've been broke up 2 years now and we hadnt spoken for over a year until now.

 

I was dating the girl for about 2 years (06-08), very serious, thought we could get married, ended on basically us not being on the same page at where we are in life. We stopped talking for about 6 months completely, then were friends again (messed around a few times) for a few months, then stopped talking for a year and half because she was in a relationship. I thought that was the last time id ever speak to her, even though shed call on my bday and I would do the same to her.

 

So fast fwd to present, she contacts me about three months ago, and ironically her relationship was coming to an end, go figure. She was also really ill, and doctors couldnt figure out whats wrong with her, and i guess she turned to me to help have her someone there that cares? She had surgery last month and it was a major success and cures just about everything and she feels like a whole new person again.

 

She tells me about her last relationship and how it was a mess and she tried and tried but the guy just wasnt mature enough. She told me she was through with relationships and just wanted to find a guy who will give her children and not have any attachment to men.

 

We talk often, text almost every day or every other. She shows up at my house from time to time (saying she was around the area and will text me seeing if im home and if she can stop by). She got me something for xmas and then I got her something too. Strangest part is, she is very adamant about not remaining in ANY contact with ex's after splitting up, however I seem to be the exception to the rule, and we talked about this and why.

 

This past week, we actually went out to dinner, and while we were out to dinner I just kept wondering to myself why I was wanting to be with her again even though I though I was over her. She has this power to captivate me and I feel like if I dont end up with her im gonna regret it bigtime and feel like shes the one that got away. She constantly says its nice being friends again, uses the FRIEND word alot. But she talks about our past alot, talks about how I was the only guy in her life that she ever really thought about marrying, that her feelings for me were stronger than shes ever felt with anyone else, how she still loves the memories about us and really enjoys my company.

 

She also told me about how she feels stupid about some guy she is talking to right now because he isnt prolly good for her but she got caught up now. It made me REALLLLLYYY jealous to know shes seeing someone else.

 

Last night I went out to the movies, and she was VERY persistent on asking me if i was out on a date, who I was with, tell me about her, etc. I didnt tell her any details at all except that it was a friend, even though it was kinda a date. She goes as friends, we should be able to talk to each other and be open, goes I tell you whats going on in my life, why cant you do the same.

 

Tonight we were supposed to go out to a club, but one of her coworkers is really sick and shes gonna go stay at her house and help take care of her instead. I kinda was a little upset (being selfish) because I was looking forward to going out with her but ill take the raincheck.

 

Now i dunno what to make of this. I can definitely tell I still have feelings for her. I thought I didnt but I know I do, just dunno if its the excitement of being around her again or if its genuine "i want her back in my life forever" kinda feelings...its just that I dont know what to do next..and I dunno how she feels about me in return. Why would she contact me again, why does still wanna hang out with me? Is she just filling in the void until something better comes along? Or does she still have the same thoughts Im having possibly?

 

I dont wanna get my hopes up. I dunno if I could do this getting over her AGAIN thing, its just getting too hard, but I cant seem to move on from her. Its frustrating being in the middle as just "friends." I dont think I can be just her friend. My friends tell me dont push it, just take things slow and see if friends leads to more or it just stays as friends, and if you cant be just her friend and she doesnt want more then you'll have to let her know at some point and then she'll have to make a decision as to what she wants to do. I dunno whether to pursue her, let her know how i feel, or just sit back and let time do its thing and see how it unwinds...

 

Sad confused and lonely...