relationship with a straight girl

[sean68]

heres the short of the long. or maybe the long of the long. bear with me.

 

im gay and have been in a 8 mth relationship with a hetero woman. we met through a mutual friend.

at first, everything was great. it seemed to fit perfectly.

she told me about her past relationships and it was very clear she was with men who either abandoned her or just didnt really care.

we kinda feel into a relationship pretty quickly and it all felt natural. although we did have a sexual relationship at the beginning it faded quickly. to the point where we didnt even make out anymore really. when we kissed it became alot of close mouthed "library kisses" which never led to anything more bc she would pull away or stop.we still spent all our time together and intergrated our lives but clearly, the intimacy didnt feel right. on my end i started to feel like i was unattractive. after a while she then she finally told me that she was struggling with her sexuality. and to be patient and give her time. at first i was a combative and after learning that wasnt gonna work i focused on the other aspects of a relationship. companionship, watching movies, making dinners, going to dinners...ect. i did my best trying to be patient and give her all the things she said she needed. however, after a few more months i was beginning to think she was just not really dealing with it.

naturally that caused an unspoken distance. we still spent all our time together but fights started to ensue and bc she isnt really one to communicate it felt to me that it was just getting darker. i told her i had fallen for her and she never really reciprocated that emotion. she told me she loved me. and i believe she does but not in a way that one really loves their "person". i began to think, that she loves me bc im kind and sweet and generous to her but not that deep love one feels when they are with someone they are crazy about.

that brings me to the present situation. with all those unspoken issues, she saw a friend she hadnt seen in a while who happened to live with her BF and be a few months pregnant with their child. that sparked a nerve with my girl bc she even said she was a little jealous of what her friend had. of course, i got defensive and hurt. it led to a huge fight. i asked her if she was even attracted to me anymore, she said no and bc my girl has such a hot temper she stormed outta my house. the following day she said she hates when we fight, doesnt want to hurt me, but admitted to not knowing what she wants, telling me im beautiful and blah blah but not feeling at all sexual but loves me and doesnt want to be with anyone else.

her friend even confided to me that my girl pushes me away and then gets scarred and comes back. that she comes back bc she loves me. her friend even said, she has been in a horrible mood recently and that at some point my girl is gonna have to decide. bc intimacy is the thing that defines a relationship from a friendship.

then the holidays come around. she hated everything i got her for xmas. said she was dissapointed. she told me that. that created distance and another fight. i so then i bought her a few things i thought she would like when i was out shopping and gave them to her on my bday, she didnt like them either. and was very obvious about it. another fight ensues. she again she left my house on my bday. and i havent heard from her since.

now, i know there are 2 sides to every story. im not looking to be told im right and shes wrong. i just wanna know what others think about this. im so in it i have a hard time seeing clearly.

thoughts?

suggestions?

anything?

[vertigoxo]

She sounds abusive. I'm sorry honey, but you need to kick her little unappreciative hiney to the curb and find another woman who isn't addicted to fighting and drama.

[sean68]

thank you. i know its very unappreciative. the gift thing was outta control. i actually thought she would like those things. i even asked her where the gratitude was and when the relationship became so materialistic. what hurts more is that i guess its pretty obvious she hasnt been attracted to me in a long time. im sure it was very exciting at the beginning for her. being new and different.

it feels like at some point it just got to real for her. and my gut always felt like she hated being a gay woman, being looked at as a gay woman, being called a gay woman.

she even said one time that all my friends are gay in a way that indicated she was bothered by it.

i gave her a huge bday party. planned it for a month. spent a small fortune on it. wanted to keep it on the DL so she would be surprised. invited all the people i thought she would want there, and my friends as well. had it catered, bar tender, cake...

a week later she said she resented a bday party for her was with all my friends.

meanwhile, it seemed like she was having the nicest time that night. everyone did.

 

as for her storming outta my house, she has done that on numerous occasions.

[iBroken]

Get out while you can

 

I had the same issues with my now ex. It doesnt end even when you think things can get better.

 

She will pull and push and pull and push. There isnt a thing you can do in the world to stop it, even if she slows it down a bit.

 

When I met my ex, she pushed and pulled me away for the first few months...then all seemed to settle down. Then at every milestone of our 3 year relationship, she left and then came back.

 

Save yourself the heartache.

[stormie]

That person is not interested anymore. If she were, she would at least pretend to like your gifts. In the case of someone who is really in love, ANYTHING from someone they're in love with is like gold.

[vertigoxo]

sean- It sounds like she is ashamed of her homosexuality, or at least bisexuality. Get out while you still have your sanity left!

[sean68]

thank you.

 

however, i dont think things will get better now. i dont expect to hear from her. and i certainly dont expect an apology. we adopted a dog together so if there is any communication at all it will probally be about her.

what i dont get, is who leaves you on your own birthday? even if im being a pain in the ass, shouldnt the other person just fake it? i guess she did. we had plans to celebrate it away somewhere but when we fought the night before she cancelled her end of the trip so the plan got ruined. instead she came over that day and it felt like she was doing it outta responsibility.

[vertigoxo]

I am so sorry you have to go through with this. She sounds like a crazy woman from Hell... She won't be making any of her future partners happy unless she gets her issues sorted out first, which probably will never happen since her big ego won't allow her to see her own problems.

[ohchristina]

heres my perspective:

i got into a relationship that started out as a friendship with someone that is bi

in the middle of our friendship i noticed my feelings towardws her grew in more of a friend way

i tended to act up sometimes because i was ashamed of my feelings towards her

but as time went on my feelings only grew more and more, and i wasnt ashamed anymore

my atittude stopped because i loved her

 

so hearing your story, it sounds like she's confused and going through her shame

 

if she loved you she wouldn't mind

 

she's just a beginner at this, it sounds like your a good mate, you deserve someone that acknowledges your every move

[samantha20]

Get out while you can

 

I had the same issues with my now ex. It doesnt end even when you think things can get better.

 

She will pull and push and pull and push. There isnt a thing you can do in the world to stop it, even if she slows it down a bit.

 

When I met my ex, she pushed and pulled me away for the first few months...then all seemed to settle down. Then at every milestone of our 3 year relationship, she left and then came back.

 

Save yourself the heartache.

 

omg that sounds exactly like what happened to me. My ex was 'straight' but seduced me, then pushed me away, then gave in to the relationship and then dumped me after three years before getting back with me and dumping me again.

 

to the op, my ex was also clearly ashamed of having a lesbian relationship. She made us keep it a total secret from our friends and family for three whole years and it created so much paranoia and fear. She was absolutely adament that she was straight and I was the only girl she had ever been attracted to. She told me that she loved me so much but hated loving me because she wanted a husband and kids.

 

She said she could never bring herself to admit to being in a lesbian relationship and couldn't have a secret relationship forever. Also, a lot of times when we had sex her whole attitude was like she was only doing it for me and wasn't particuarly into it which made me feel unattractive like you.

 

I chose to ignore all these things and hope that our love was stronger than her shame, but in the end she cared more about her idea of 'normality' and how she looked to other people. She dumped me and said that although she was still totally in love with me she was going to use all the will power she had to stay away from me because she didn't want to be a lesbian. It was almost like she saw me as an evil temptation that she had to avoid, like chocolate when you're on a diet; like I was going to bring her down somehow.

 

Well, she's the one who has to live the rest of her life knowing that she walked away from love. Just learn from my story and don't ignore the signs. It sounds like she wants to break up with you and at least if you do it first you can walk away with some dignity. It may make her realise what she's lost as well.

[sean68]

thank you all for your advice and perspective. and i do agree. ive told this story to a few close people in my life and they all couldnt believe it. they all have admitted how they thought she was a damaged but acted like everything was fine in her life.

its still shocking and confusing, but the writing is on the wall. she kept saying " we'll have to just see..". and i was always thinking "see what?" if someone isnt gonna be proactive then they are just floundering around.

 

i do agree that if a straight girl is with a gay girl for the 1st time, issues will come up. although, i feel like if that straight girl was really into it then the excitment would override the shame, confusion or whatever else. practice makes perfect.

[Louie3]

Well, like you said, it sounds like she is straight. Seeing as she has been so hurt in the past by men, she seems to have experimented with you.

 

I have heard SO many women get hurt by a man and say that they are going to "become gay". Getting hurt does not make you gay, being attracted to women makes you gay, right?

 

The thing about women is that we are really beautiful, so it is common to have crushes on your friends etc because out bonds are simply different than with men.