bf used to drink too much and do drugs-now having trouble trusting

[sandrawg]

So, the back story of me and my bf is, we've been together 2 1/2 yrs, but off and on. He used to party WAY too much. He drank a lot, and he did cocaine from time to time when he was drunk. We used to fight a lot about that.

 

I had established early on that coke was a dealbreaker. He would promise me that he wouldn't do it, then quite a few times, break that promise.

 

Well, now we are back together for the umpteenth time, and for the last 4 months, things have been good. He started out staying sober for a couple months...we have gradually started going out to bars again and he has been good at controlling his drinking. Last night, we went out. It was cool-we didn't drink a lot, and we had an early night, decided to go home around 11p. Well, when we got home, I felt he was acting kind of weird.

 

It's hard to explain...my bf is kind of ADD, so I don't know if he was being ADD or what...it seemed like he was slurring his words, and he was just doing and saying weird things that made no sense. For ex., he was super hungry and ate nearly 2 hamburgers and 3 boiled eggs...then he tried to crack one of the eggs without breaking it, and it shattered all over my couch...

 

So I asked him if he was high (thinking maybe someone gave him a bump or something at t he bar)...he went OFF on me. We argued til 3am.

 

I understand how he could feel frustrated, if he didn't do anything wrong, but don't you think he should be a little more understanding? We have this history of him promising me not to do drugs, then doing them behind my back. I know I need to try to trust him but he acts like he can just wave a magic wand or something, and I will never be suspicious again. I don't think it works that way.

 

Any advice?

[sandrawg]

26 views and nobody has any advice?

[DN]

Unless you have direct evidence that he has taken drugs you put him in an impossible place by asking him if he has. Even if he hasn't he can't prove he hasn't unless he undergoes a drug test. And if he denies it you have to either believe him or not.

[catfeeder]

Sorry, I viewed but needed to step away to think about it. I've studied drug abuse and worked in the field for years, but it remains the most exhausting and least resolvable problem to tackle. And that statement doesn't even speak to the degree of pain and futility it causes you, and my heart goes out to you.

 

If BF was eating like that, he probably wasn't on coke, but he was likely on something--who else would shatter an egg on your couch, but someone who was ...altered?

 

You've had on-and-off with this guy for almost 3 years, and when nothing has changed, nothing has changed. All the arguing in the world won't fix that.

 

I feel for you. I know what its like to deeply love someone with an insurmountable problem that's completely out of your hands. You can't police him into compliance, and you can't justify to yourself why a beautiful, smart and youthful woman should live the life of a tortured old lady with no other options.

 

We can all agree with you about what BF 'should' do, but it doesn't mean anything. He's not about to listen to you, much less respond beyond whatever it takes to pacify you this time.

 

Write more if it helps.

 

In your corner.

[sandrawg]

"Sorry, I viewed but needed to step away to think about it. I've studied drug abuse and worked in the field for years, but it remains the most exhausting and least resolvable problem to tackle."

 

THAT IS SO TRUE. And it's why I think, if this rel'ship doesn't work out and we move on, I will find someone who neither drinks NOR does ANY drugs whatsoever.

 

Thanks for being in my corner. I keep thinking he should be grateful I've stuck w/him as long as I have. I've given him so many chances and taken him back after he just walked all over my requests and my stated dealbreakers, again and again.

 

Yes, things have been good between us for a few months now, but you can't magically erase 2 yrs of broken promises and blindly trust.

 

It kind of makes me resentful when I express a concern like, "you're acting kind of funny, did you take anything", and I am met with anger and sarcasm and disdain.

 

As if I'm just saying these things with no background or history, just to be difficult...???!!! "Oh yeah, just cuz I'm hungry you think I'm high"??

 

Ugh, anyway thanks for your replies.

[catfeeder]

[...]Thanks for being in my corner. I keep thinking he should be grateful I've stuck w/him as long as I have. I've given him so many chances and taken him back after he just walked all over my requests and my stated dealbreakers, again and again.

 

Expecting gratitude will only set you up for huge disappointment and will come out sideways as patronizing and infuriating. The most sober people you know also take loved ones for granted. From his POV, if the price of doing business with you is that he must live up to an expectation that he be grateful because you haven't ditched him, chances are this only provokes anger--it won't inspire gratitude.

 

Yes, things have been good between us for a few months now, but you can't magically erase 2 yrs of broken promises and blindly trust.

 

It kind of makes me resentful when I express a concern like, "you're acting kind of funny, did you take anything", and I am met with anger and sarcasm and disdain.

 

I understand. You're trust isn't blind, it's absent. For good reason, but it's still absent. The problem with living on the fence is that it's a sabotage position. You either need to be In or Out, but if you're half-way in and as a result you won't stop the cycle of doubt, questioning, fighting and retreat, you can't expect the relationship to work. Period.

 

If you want In, then be completely honest with yourself about what, exactly, you're getting in TO. You know you're with a guy who wants to get high, and whether it's booze or coke or anything else, the end results are an altered boyfriend. THAT is what 'In' means, and the only way 'around' that is through it with open eyes. Turning into his parent is counter-productive and will destroy the relationship, and so questioning him is only a justifiable way to get 'Out' slowly and painfully and repeatedly, and for zero payoff.

 

I'd suggest attending some Ala-non meetings. Whether BF drinks or drugs, you'll need to learn the same principles if you want In with any success. You might want to PM a user named Hersmudders, as she has a lot of experience with Ala-non and can answer some questions or tell you what she's gotten from it--or you can read some of her posts where she discusses it.

 

In your corner, and my best,

Cat

[delicous]

i would talk to him and let him know..if you don't itll just

get worse...