Big Deal or Not? I really need help..

[Ashley1640]

Ok, so.. if you look at my post history you'll see this thread titled "Help!"

 

 

If you read it first you'll understand what my grandmother is .. going through, I guess.

 

I'd also like to add something to the Family forum, because now I'm not so sure that it's a health condition like dementia or alzheimers.

 

My grandma used to be a pretty bad alcoholic. She's been sober for.... I'm not exactly sure how long, but her late husband has been dead for 17years, so at LEAST 17 years she's been sober. Supposedly.

 

 

Last night when everyone was supposed to be sleeping, my grandmother got up and was in the kitchen fiddling around. I noticed a few minutes later she was sitting by herself in the living room with no TV on. Just sitting there. Semi kinda normal.. saw her gulping down some liquid in a mug. Probably hot chocolate since I heard her use the microwave. She sat down there without moving for about an hour to hour and a half.... It was almost 1am, and she was STILL there. This time she wasn't moving, so I went to check on her. She was asleep, holding the mug steady on the couch. I asked her if she wanted to get in bed, and that I'd take her cup to the kitchen. I took her mug and was about to throw it out when I got the instinct to smell it. EW! It was Sherry. I woke up my mom so she could get her in bed because she needed help, and so that she could smell what my gmaw was drinking.

 

I called my mom today to talk to her about it. While on the phone, she tells me to check the bar for the oldddd Brandy we've had in there for literally like 30 years or something. I smelled the Brandy, nope.. wasn't that scent in her cup. There was a bottle of Cream Sherry? I forget the name. But yeah, that bottle was half gone and it was the same smell as what was in her cup with milk mixed in.

 

To me, this is a huge deal. But everyone seems SO calm about it. Hell, she's on like 30 different pills, plus she's 82 and probably getting the old person disease, AND she used to be a bad alcoholic.. So yeah, I think this should be a big deal. Instead, my mom wants to catch her in the act pretty much. She's going to "label" the Sherry bottle with a pen or something, and then she's going to wait a couple of days and see how much is being drank. I told her, "Mom, cmon.. I got your proof in the coffee mug you smelled last night. What kind of prood do you need?" And she said the proof that she can show her mother and "ask" her rather than accuse. THAT doesn't make sense. I flat out "caught" her with that cream sherry and milk. My mom also refuses to call and tell her brothers about this. She said she doesn't want to create unnecessary drama.

 

My husband doesn't care either. He told me last night, "Ash she's 82. She's a big girl. If she wants to drink she can have a drink."

 

 

I'm SOOO SICK of this. My grandmother is always doing crap that is innappropriate, mean, rude, etc.. And no one says anything to her. I'm just supposed to put up with it. And yet again, even though we found her drinking, nothing is going to happen.

[Scorpion Fury]

Honestly, with everything else I read about your Grandma, I think her having a drink is the least of your worries.

 

She sounds like she does have some sort of dementia, and please do not leave your baby alone with her again. She could really hurt her.

 

Your grandma is not in her right mind, so trying to have a rational discussion about her drinking is moot, in my opinion.

[Ashley1640]

Honestly, with everything else I read about your Grandma, I think her having a drink is the least of your worries.

 

She sounds like she does have some sort of dementia, and please do not leave your baby alone with her again. She could really hurt her.

 

Your grandma is not in her right mind, so trying to have a rational discussion about her drinking is moot, in my opinion.

 

True. But at the same time I think it's all been piling up and I'm getting ready to blow.

And no, she's never with my baby. Ever since that incident with her and my baby she hasn't been on the greatest terms with me. Good thing she never asks to hold Kami, cuz if she did I'd probably flat out just tell her no.

 

 

I think my main thing is...... How can you just sit here and continue to let her do this. My mom doesn't want to put her in a home because she's terrified she'll be abused. Which I guess is understandable, but if she wants her living here she should take some control. She got her proof of what she was drinking last night, I'm not sure what more proof she needs. Get rid of the alcohol, get her a doctor, and get on with it. Why is nothing being done?

[FarthestEdge]

Ashley,

 

Hon, I am sorry, but you are living in your mom's house. It is her rules regardless of what you may believe, or know to be right. Your choices are to suck it up & deal, or move out. You do not have any right to tell your mom how she should handle her mom....I'm sorry, I wish I had something more helpful to offer you, but it's the truth...

 

And I have to say, I kind of agree with your hubby- She's 82- does it really matter at this point? From what you describe, sounds to me like she's living on borrowed time anyhow. She also sounds depressed (a VERY common condition for the elderly- dementia or not). You are NOT going to change her. The only thing you have control over is what YOU do.

 

If I were you, I'd focus my energy on getting out of there as soon as possible. You and your hubby need to establish your own home. But again, regardless of WHY you are living there, it is NOT your house, and it is NOT a democracy.

 

Your mom is in a difficult position- this is HER mother, she worries about how she'd be treated in care, she's watching her mother wither & decline. IMO you should be concerned about supporting your mom in her decisions- you don't have to agree with them, but you should try to do what you can to alleviate her burden. Just try to put yourself in her shoes...

 

Also keep in mind, every time you tell your mom what SHE SHOULD do with Gma, you are indicating what YOU MIGHT do when YOUR mom is 82- She might be trying to let you know what kind of compassion she hopes to receive from you when her time has come.....

[Ashley1640]

Whoa. Lol. My mom doesn't know I feel this way. Yes she knows that my grandmother is outright mean to me and Kamryn, so she knows I don't like her, but she doesn't know the rest.

I normally keep quiet about my feelings, hence venting here on ENA. I never tell my mom she should do something, because you are right this isn't my house. I may ask her questions about what she's doing or not doing, but I've never TOLD her that I think she's wrong. I do try to help her. The only thing I told her that she SHOULD do- is call the hospital and ask for any advice or help-line. My mom just doesn't know what to do. She tried calling social services and they won't help her. She just acts defeated. Which is inevitable with this disease. But there's just GOT to be something someone can do. Make it .. simpler. Not so hard. It's not just hard on my family watching her go downhill, but it's GOT to be hard on my gmaw too. Depressed? Heck yes, she's had it for years. But no one will HELP HER. No one will get her to do anything. They just allow her to sleep and sleep and sleep.

 

 

 

If the tables were turned and it was MY mom? I'd have a serious talk with her. Tell her to get her butt up out of bed everyday and take a shower. Go sit outside and read a book(since she likes to read so much). Get her a nurse(i don't know what they're called) to come to our house and do activities with her. Take her to weekly outtings with other elderly people so she can make friends her own age. Take her to church every Sunday, or wed/thurs evenings(since my gmaw likes church so much).

[FarthestEdge]

So why don't you offer to take her to church one day if your mom can watch the baby? It might go a long way....

 

Why not pick up a book you think she'd like from a discount bin and say 'it's a beautiful day out Gma, Would you like to have your tea outside today? I can put a chair on the porch for you. Oh BTW- I saw this book and thought you'd enjoy it- here....

 

This is what I mean. Do what YOU can to help- I know you feel overwhelmed & powerless in this situation, but like I said, you have control over what YOU do. So try to do what you can without stepping on your mothers toes....

[Ashley1640]

I'm just at a loss.

 

I've tried being REALLY nice to her. I'm a nice person, and I loved my grandma veryyyyyy much. But out of nowhere when she came to live with us, she just got mean. I didn't DO anything out of the ordinary to her. My mom and I are SUPER close, so we may fight about some stupid crap but then get over it. It's almost like my grandma hates our relationship and is jealous, so that's why she doesn't like me. That's what we think anyway. I haven't given her any other reason.

For two years I would do anything for her. But she still hated me. So for the past few months, I've completely given up because it's pointless to go out of my way for her. Now she just sleeps, so. She will only talk to my mom when she's awake, and sometimes not even her.. she just stays quiet.

 

By the sound of everyone's opinions, I guess i'm just overreacting. Because it's not my house or my mom, I'll just deal with it and I suppose not worry about it.. Just like others aren't worried.

[HeartGoesOn]

Ashley

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but there is little you can do. I've said it before that this is not a healthy living situation. Since you have a husband and baby, you should be living on your own, and not with family, where you can set your own rules. I do understand that you had some financial problems earlier, but you're married, and you need to get out of there.

[FarthestEdge]

You may very well be right about the jealousy...

 

You are young

you have love

your whole life is ahead of you

you are close to your mom, and she to you (if Gma was an alcoholic, she likely missed her chance on that score).

 

I'm not saying you're out of line to get frustrated or want to do something to change it, I am just saying you can only change what YOU do. So you're banging your head against a brick wall focusing on what other should do...

 

Like I said- focus on getting out. You and your mom will have an even better relationship when you have your own household...

 

Hang in there- time is ticking by.....

[Ashley1640]

Thanks to everyone who is always here to listen to my stupid drama.

 

I talked to my neighbor who has been there for my family forever. She knows exactly what's going on. She simply said that my gmaw has nothing to live for. Which.. I completely agree. I think when my mom gets home I'm going to talk to her. I may not like my grandma.. at all.. but after she's gone I don't want to feel like I should've done something more. I think I'm going to suggest us going to church again and taking my gmaw, looking into some elders activities she can do weekly to meet people her own age.. If any if you have any more suggestions about that type of stuff, shoot!

 

And yeah, I'm aware we're our own family and we need to get out. But times are tough, and my husband won't get out of police training until March. So we're sucking it up the best possible way we can. We can get away with it now anyway considering Kami is just a baby.. she won't have memories of us living here. You guys hear the worst possible scenarios anyway =( but it's not bad. I'll be able to start working sometime soon too and go to school. Hopefully get my nursing degree fairly quick and start my career.

 

Edit:

I've never dealt with alcoholism like my mom has seen it happen to her mother and 3 brothers. My family has always been anti-drinking or only drinking on special occasions. I drink on the weekends, but I'm far from being addicted. I know people can be sober for a while then go back to drinking.. but how does it start? Does it start with a glass here and there? Or does it start with full force drinking as much or even more as they did before? I think my gmaw has been drinking secretly whenever she can. After being a heavy alcoholic, is it possible to be sober yet secretly drink and NOT be addicted? Or if she was addicted at one point is she most likely drinking again?

 

My whole thing is: If you're hiding it from yoru family..and sneaking water bottles full and hiding them underneath the bathroom sink.. you most definitely DO have an issure with alcohol because you don't want anyone to know. Right???