My healing process and the final stage

[Nappyloxs]

Okay I have been on ENA for over a month and broken up with my ex for almost 3 months.

 

Here is a quick recap of the background:

1) ex. and I broke up over an bad argument after two years together.

2) I was pissed at her for two weeks and wanted it over.

3) I ended up reading her FB account and she said "thank god, he hasn't contacted me, it makes it easier." That triggered me missing her. (I missed her by checking her FB account) But it was like she isn't missing me, what the F??

4) First attempts were just simple, flowers, a few too many emails, and texts.

5) Stopped contact for a week. One day I drove next to her out of the blue!! Made my heart race and body go numb.

6) Realized where she must be staying since the breakup. (long story). So I wanted to fight for her. Did that for a week or two.

7) Wrote a long letter and afterwords 1 week NC

8) Broke NC because I wanted to share some great news with her

9) 12 days NC

10) Broke NC for who knows what reason. At first I was feeling strong and wanting to send a closure letter.

11) Ex. had not spoken to me for the entire time.

12) She responded to the "closure letter" and basically said she not coming back.

 

First, I don't regret anything I did. The emails, flowers, texts, cd. I don't regret the past three months. I loved her. I attempt reconciliation. What more can you do? There is no perfect way to get someone back, and all you can do is try. I sincerely and humbly learned from this experience and the mistakes I made during the relationship. If we would have gotten back together, I would have been different, not because I missed her but because I learn so much from the time away from her.

 

So yesterday when she finally responded with she is not coming back, I was devastated, although part of me knew it. It was just easier when she did not respond.

 

Without going too much in my other breakup experiences, we will get over this heartbreak. It takes time and certain experiences for each individual.

 

Here is some of my advice:

 

1) Attempt to see where they stand.

You can never regret asking or attempting to show them that you want them back. If you don't, you may ask yourself later in life, "what if." Also, we as human try many things and fail. Its okay to fail or be rejected. My #1 dating rule is that "its only a yes or no answer." So your ex. says no, they don't want to get back together. Its really not the end of the world. This is my 3rd heartbreak, I lived and still have done great things after the first 2. Both my previous exes say they are proud of me. (Long story).

 

2) When they are gone, let them go.

This one was hard for me. But from my personal experience, ex #1 did come back when I let her go. Ex #2 came back when I let her go, but on a friendship level. (Long story, but I was fine with it). You have to let them go. Not because you love them, but because you love yourself. You gave attempts and they failed. You just have to accept failure and rejection sometimes. It sucks and its hard, but at least you can say you tried. As a man, it suck because we feel like we can always fix things, but I don't mess with certain home repairs.

 

3) This is the crucial one. We have 3 options after a breakup.

A) Option A is to try and get them back.

B) Option B is being the person we were in the relationship, just without the other person,

C) becoming someone new.

 

I encourage Option A to a certain degree. Once you are rejected, you just have to accept it.

 

Option B is okay, take myself for instance, I know I wasn't perfect in the relationship, but I wasn't bad either. I know that the person I was during the relationship was a great person with or without her. With option B, I hated people saying become a "better" person or "move on." For some reason those phrases just annoyed me. As if we weren't good enough? As if it is a light switch? The person you are/were is great just because you care so deeply for that person even after they left and broke your heart. That lone makes you great.

 

The third option I encourage 1000%. This is your chance to become brand new. People say go work out or pick up hobby to basically get your mind off of your ex. No, just do it for you. With breakups, the hardest part is loving yourself again. So, I suggest just do something random, spontaneous. Something you always wanted to do. Just do something for you. Do it in small steps. For instance, since yesterday, I bought a gym membership. I use to work out years ago and have been lazy for some time. Also, I want to play basketball again. So why not, do it. Another thing, I am going to try acupunture and to go to a hypnotist to quit smoking. Why not? Next is to planned a tripped to Atlanta to see my best friend (it was original Vegas, but my other BF is Bsing). Again, why not?

 

The main #1 problem with a breakup is accept change. We were comfortable with that person, they were always there for us. When we start a new job, we are scared that first week or more. Will you do okay? What are people going to think of us? Will I do a good job?

 

We are always given opportunities in our life. With my ex. I use to say she had the opportunity to come back and have a better and stronger relationship with me or be single. (All people I believe want to be in a great relationship). I forgot that I had an opportunity. I could sit there and want my ex back knowing that it would be a better and stronger relationship, on my part, if she cameback or a chance to be whoever the hell I want to become.

 

So those of you who are having a hard time. Just do something random that you wanted to do whether its a trip or yoga or whatever. Just try something new, just to get out of your comfort zone. That zone was with your ex. and until you get out of it, you won't start getting over them.

 

Somethings I left out

 

1) Take baby steps in your road to recovery. For instance, tomorrow morning do 10 pushups and situps and make your bed. I know from experience those morning thoughts of the ex. Seriously, just take it day by day. Try something, anything new everyday for 1 week. With NC, just take it day by day, minute by minute. See my breathing tip below.

 

2) Remember you have to accept that you are always going to love them, but it doesn't have to be heart break. I am good friend's with my previous ex. but they girl that has a special place in my heart is a different one than I am friends with today. Its like a photograph.

 

Good luck on your journey. Trust me, it was very difficult for me. Just read some of my older posts. You'll get through it.

[newinvention]

Nappy - Great post!

 

I agree - so many people on here are freaking hardcore NC... To a degree I agree.

 

That's where I stand - I was stuck. I was stuck on not really understanding the breakup - I wanted to let her know I loved her and wanted us to work - that is all I told her - she rejected that. To me, she was worth the final effort and I did not want to be 5 years down the road asking what if...

 

Has it set me back? Yes - a little but really not that much. It is very final, but that helps me to move on and to realize that I never meant as much to her as she did me. So why would I want to wait for that to come around?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm hurting terribly - miss her deeply, but I'm not waiting anymore.

 

I say good for you if you want to contact for your own clarity. Just know it does sting to get the final word and know it does put the power back in their hands. But for me, I gave her the weight I was carrying... She knows how I feel for sure and she has to figure her * * * * out for herself.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks Dave:

 

NC serves its purposes depending on the situation. But you need to know where you stand with the ex. In my situation, I did not know as she never communicated with me. I did NC here and there for a week (about 1 month total of the 2.5 months).

 

It was strange with me, the last attempts I made were actually making me stronger. I wasn't writing her for her or to comeback. I was getting things off my chest. Yes, I was letting her know I still cared and loved her, but since she wasn't responding, I was actually forming a different picture of her in my mind. And that allowed my mind to take over my heart, if you know what I mean.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still love my ex. but the ex. today is not the ex. I loved almost 3 months ago. In the future, who knows, we may bump into each other as it is a small world. I really believe whether its that day or some other day, she will realize she f***ed up. And I will be long gone!!!!

[DenverBachelor]

Nappyloxs,

 

I don't know your real first name but send me a text when you're ready to grab a beer. We'll have a good time, go to strip club in Denver and get some hookers. By the time the sun rises, you won't even remember her first name.

[Triplell]

I agree, very nice post.

 

And I agree with Dave as well. No contact is appropriate at two stages in the event you miss your ex and you want them back.

 

1. Right away. If you * * * * ed up, apologize and try to get them back right away. However, in the event they take you back right away, chances are if you had a reoccurring problem, it won't be fixed, it will come up again.

 

If they say they need space, give them that space, and let them call you. Give them adequate time to miss you. Push through the hurt, and remain no contact for a certain amount of time. Think about your true feelings for this person during that time, write it all down.

 

If the person fails to contact you in that time wanting reconciliation, (none of that I still want to be your friend bull * * * * , if they give you that, you tell them if I'm worth your friendship, I'm worth your love.), you have to pull together all those thoughts and feelings and tell the person how you really feel.

 

Tell that you are going to change, not because you just want them back, but because you actually acknowledged your mistakes, and know that you didn't help the relationship with those mistakes. At the same time, hope (don't point out) that they will change their mistakes. If they do reconcile, but you're the only one making the changes, ask yourself if this is what you really want. Then at that point, have a talk with them, making sure that they are on the same page as you.

 

On the other hand, they reject you. Just like you said, it hurts, but it's all out there now, and now it's time to go back to that no contact. And just like you said, start making those improvements for yourself.

 

I would say they way you said things is much better then the way I just did, but I agree with you 100%. I'm personally working out again, I'm calling up old friends, and meeting new ones. Before I was with my ex, I was a very shy person. She gave me some confidence in myself, and now I'm very apt to meeting new people.

 

I somehow got in my head that asking a girl for her number made you a creeper. When in reality, it's what you do with that number that determines your creepiest. Because of this, I have asked a few girls for their numbers. I haven't been turned down yet, and I didn't go crazy by calling them the next day and the next day like I did at one point in my life.

[UGA Bulldawg]

I put my ex into NC, but not necessarily because I hate her or anything. I did it for motivation.

 

I told myself that I wouldn't talk to her or see again until I could prove that I was the better person. As stubborn as it sounds, it has motivated me in more ways than I could ever imagine. I've never been so empowered to exercise and be healthy. She will be very surprised when she sees me again. She might just want to come back to me

[Nappyloxs]

I put my ex into NC, but not necessarily because I hate her or anything. I did it for motivation.

 

I told myself that I wouldn't talk to her or see again until I could prove that I was the better person. As stubborn as it sounds, it has motivated me in more ways than I could ever imagine. I've never been so empowered to exercise and be healthy. She will be very surprised when she sees me again. She might just want to come back to me

 

This is the point of NC. It is for you; not them. Don't think you "have to give them space." Don't give them anything. GIVE YOURSELF SPACE. The problem with breakup up is that everything is all of a sudden everything is for them: NC, changing yourself, avoid places, etc... The train of thought is still about them. The healing process after a while must be about YOU. NC must be for you. Changes must be for you.

 

Here is one thing I hated about my healing process. I blamed myself for so many things that led to the breakup. OF COURSE I MADE MISTAKES, I AM HUMAN. She also made mistakes!!!! You do not need to change yourself, just because you made mistakes!!!! Your mistakes are not the reason for the breakup!!! You are still a great person!!!

 

Personal example of what I mean. I was the strong type during the relationship. I kept my problems and worries inside and did not let her or anyone know how stressed I really was. (Well, she should have known just because she knew me). During the breakup, I was blaming that character flaw in me as a reason for the breakup. But that part of my character has gotten me to where I am today. I went through a lot when I was younger and overcame a lot, because I kept stuff in and used it as motivation. So what appeared to be a mistake is actually one of my strengths. It just did not mix with her, that does not mean that it won't work with the next one.

 

Also, I left out a very important part of the process.

 

TAKE BABY STEPS

 

With NC, just take it one day at a time. Some days you are going to have to take it one minute at a time. You will get the urge to call them. Do yourself a favor, take a DEEP breath and then 10 deep breaths.

 

Go for a jog, or a workout, or read a book, or something new just one day. Then the next day, plan something new to do just that day.

 

Don't join a gym and say I am going to workout 5 days a week from now on. Just go for a jog on that one day. Try out a gym just one day.

 

You have to take the same steps. With NC just take it one day/one minute at a time.

 

This is what will get you moving forward.

 

Also, I still think briefly about ex. coming back. But with my previous ex. I was just as hurt (it was so long ago, that I don't remember it as well). But when she came back, she was different. She was not the same woman I loved. That woman was gone, she was just a memory. Trust me, when she came back about a year later (although it was about friendship), I opened the door thinking I still loved her. But I didn't she wasn't the same woman.

[new5]

I am on the other side, waiting for my ex to reconcile. He called me once, and ignored it. And i heard he thinks im moving on.

I see that you tried very hard to get her back. If he really loves me he wud try one thing u did, and i wud go back.

Do u think i ignored one call, it was rejecting him and will he not try anymore.

 

There are diff kinds of men out there, he is the stubborn type.....so shud i call back?? or wait for him to?

[Nappyloxs]

Update

 

Last night was a really sh&tty night for me. Thank God for my mother. I called her a 5:30am her time.

 

One to what I learned today.

 

Since last night was so crappy, I actually woke up motivated. I took the dogs to a park in the mountains and just walked with them. As I walked, I thought about things I have already thought, but just not so often anymore.

 

I was not the same person she fell in love with two years ago. Back then, I was still in law school and did not have much responsibility. When I moved to my new city, I couldn't find a job that I wanted. So I opened my own business. The luxury of the degree! It is hard and challenging to open and run my business. For the last year, I was depressed/stressed/whatever. I wasn't making much money, always trying to find new clients, and worrying about the cases I had. Money was an issue with me. I use to be so outgoing, but being broke made me frugal. It affected the relationship. For instance, we never went to this park together, even though it is a half-hour away. I think if we just had went there even once and awhile, it would have meant a lot to her and made us stronger.

 

I realized shortly after the breakup I made the relationship so boring and stale. It is not as if she would suggest things, and I said no. Neither of us suggested anything. A few weeks into the breakup, I realized that I did not do enough. That I made the relationship boring and stale. I want to change and find new adventures in life. I wanted to go on these new adventures with her. Obviously now that isn't going to happen. I am okay with it. Although I want to experience new things, it is hard sometimes just thinking about "why did I do this when we were together" or "it would be more fun if she was here." I have to remember that I wanted to change anyway. I wanted to change for what I once though would make our love stronger, but either way I need to change. I wasn't happy in the relationship, because we did not do much. I was content. But not happy. Now, I am still not happy, its not because of the business, but because she is gone. Both lead to the same conclusion and that is that I just need to start enjoying life again. I don't need to allow the stress of work get to me. I don't need to allow the pain of her leaving get to me.

 

Ironically, business financially has been great since the breakup. When I started my business, I gave myself a 3 year plan to turn a profit. I am only in year 2. But I still see the potential in it and the small rewards each month. 1 month I went from nothing, to a little more next month, a little more the next month, and a little more the next month. It really is just like the healing process. Each month I heal a little more and a little more.

 

She never saw that I was steadily making more money each month. She never understood how stress I was, because I never brought it home. In the end, her love wasn't strong enough. Yes, I had changed from the outgoing care-free person, she feel in love with. My life situation made me change. I think that true love would have stood by me while I was going through this situation. I think that she did not truly love me and doesn't know what it is yet. (This is why I know I could never really take her back, because she bailed on me; the vows say for better or worst; richer or poorer. She believed that the vows don't matter until you say them, I believe that the vows matter before you say them). She wants life to go according to a plan. I wanted life to go according to plan in my career and my relationship. But life never goes according to plan. When life did not go according to plan in my career, I changed plans and have never doubt that I will be successful. I never planned on breaking up either. I thought we would be together forever. But now we are. I must do like in my career and change plans and never doubt that I will succeed.

 

One the way home, I listened to a song for the first time. It was an Akon song for MJ. The chorus really struck me. It went something like this "I thank you for showing me the man in the mirror. Know these tears I cry are tears of joy"

 

Since, the breakup, I have always been grateful for it in a way. Because I never would have realized how much she meant to me, changed my definition of love, and realized that I had become quite boring and stale. I really do thank her for it. Of course, a part of miss her and wants to share my new life with her. But she isn't coming back and I am still breathing. I am must continue with my new plan with or without her. Honestly, it really is her lost. She knew what I was like before, and although there was a down period, I have overcome that period. The last 3 months were a down period because of her, I will overcome that period too.

[Nappyloxs]

Just had a great thought.

 

Okay, I sent my ex. some money that I owe her. I did it b/c 1) I repay my debts; 2) Karma; 3) I don't want her comparing to her previous ex. who owes her thousands and complaining about me.

 

So I had a brief thought. I thought about everything I have done since the breakup. The letters, flowers, telling her how I changed as a person, how my view on love has changed, that I learned so many of the mistakes I made in the relationship, etc...... All for a period of three months!! So I am sitting here think of all the things and ask myself "how could she not come back knowing how much I love her and changed?" Granted I know that basically she does not love me anymore and is really just happier now. But still, "how could that be better than love, right." As I am sitting here thinking of it all, there were no emotions, no tears, no heart ache, no sadness, no anger, I just simply thought "oh well, it sucks. I guess I am just a romanticist."

 

Man, does it feel good to know that the worst is over!

[Hobbes]

Tonight, having seen a friend's gf of 18 years walk out on him and their 2 kids for her first real bf 3 months ago and him having an amazing opportunity to get under a very nice young lady that is very much into him and seeing what this has done to him - I expected him to be utterly destroyed - all I can say is, get your shiz on with another.. it works. This guy moped for a couple of days and now he's having the time of his life and is happier than he has ever been. He's inspiring. When she finds out, she will go mental, the balance of power has shifted for ever and he will never take her back, not in a million years and no one that knows him or her ever expected her to leave him and it was very sudden.

[Nappyloxs]

Tonight, having seen a friend's gf of 18 years walk out on him and their 2 kids for her first real bf 3 months ago and him having an amazing opportunity to get under a very nice young lady that is very much into him and seeing what this has done to him - I expected him to be utterly destroyed - all I can say is, get your shiz on with another.. it works. This guy moped for a couple of days and now he's having the time of his life and is happier than he has ever been. He's inspiring. When she finds out, she will go mental, the balance of power has shifted for ever and he will never take her back, not in a million years and no one that knows him or her ever expected her to leave him and it was very sudden.

 

I wish that some days. I really do.

[Hobbes]

Dude, it's absolutely amazing... luckiest guy on earth but whatever..

 

 

[Nappyloxs]

Great attitude. I had such a setback today. I am just hoping to get back to where I was this morning.

[Nappyloxs]

Feel like hell all over again. Spoke to the ex. and all the hopes and dreams that were starting to fade away came crashing back all at once.

 

How can you love someone so much and not be with them? Everything evolves around her again, just because of a conversation. My mind is constantly thinking of her today. Before, I could focus on other things and occasionally think of her and was okay with the thoughts. I was getting use to the ups and downs. Trying to find good points in even on the down days.

 

Now the healing process has crumbled. I have to start again. I don't know how far I have fallen yet, hopefully just a little. But it feels like I have crashed and I am back at day 1 all over again.

 

I know I probably sound sad and pathetic, I am. That is the way I feel today. I hope for something that won't come true. I am in love with a woman that does not want to be with me. She rather be alone than with me.

 

I know I will get back to where I was one day, but having fallen, has made the climb back look so long and tiring.

 

I just want to give up. Give up on her, give up on the healing process, just give up believing in love. I don't know where that would take me.

[OptomisticGirl]

We all have these days. the last few have been that way for me. I was doing really well until he called and I handled the call well... I just can't stop thinking about him now.

 

don't give up darling. You will heal, and you will climb back up that ladder. And someday someone will be waiting there for you who will never hurt you!

[Nappyloxs]

We all have these days. the last few have been that way for me. I was doing really well until he called and I handled the call well... I just can't stop thinking about him now.

 

don't give up darling. You will heal, and you will climb back up that ladder. And someday someone will be waiting there for you who will never hurt you!

 

Thanks you for the encouragement.

[OptomisticGirl]

Anytime!