bf's friend treated me like cr*p - but he's still friends with her

[sandrawg]

Long story short - my bf and I had a rough time, due to his drinking. He was drinking WAY too much, and doing cocaine when he drank, even though he had promised me he would stop, etc.

 

We went through a long period of trying to work things out, and him promising to me he would cut down on his drinking. Things were great when he stayed with me at his house.

 

Then, as soon as he was spending an evening back at HIS place, he ended up drunk at the bar, and a girlfriend of mine busted him (she just happened to be at the same bar.)

 

There's this one female friend he had, who he seemed to keep going to the bar with. He told me she had hooked him up with a friend who was in AA. Well, she knew of all his problems, but guess what? she's the one he was with, when he was drunk and my friend ran into him.

 

I have never met this female friend. To be honest, I never felt comfortable about her. He met her at the bar, I think while we were still together, and they exchanged numbers. Anyway, because she had tried to help him while we were broken up, I contacted her, through Facebook (she was on his friend's list). I wanted to talk to her in person, about her continuing to invite him to the bar, and try to get her support and help in helping him stay healthy.

 

Well, she was hostile towards me right off the bat. She said a lot of just rude, mean things...she called me crazy, she said I didn't know how to treat a man...and towards the end, she made a very low, low, underhanded jibe at me about my employment status (I was laid off 3 months ago) - she said "why are you spending your time doing this...shouldn't you be looking for a JOB?"

 

When I discussed this conflict with my boyfriend, he tended to defend her, saying I shouldn't have been contacting his friends, etc. Well, I can tell you this...if I was having a problem like drinking too much, or whatever, my friends would be fine with my bf contacting them to get help. Nor would they have treated him hostilely, like she did to me. If they did, I would kick them to the curb.

 

Anyway, it's been 3 months since then, and my bf has not hung out with her in a while, but tonight he told me he was getting his haircut by her (she's a hairdresser). I have not tried to tell him that I don't want him hanging out with her, cuz I don't want to be controlling, but I have to say...I am so mad he's still hanging out with her, even if it is just for a haircut.

 

I feel like he's rewarding her for treating his gf like junk. I feel like he's just being selfish, and picking his friend over me.

 

Now that I've made a big deal of it, he's going to turn it around and make me look like I'm being controlling. He thinks I'm holding a grudge-he says she's willing to be friends still, but SHE IS NOT THE ONE WHO WAS WRONGED, OF COURSE she isn't mad. I was the one who got treated like dirt. I have NO interest in meeting her, hanging out with her...or anything. Why should I want to be friends with someone who said 1) I don't know how to treat a man, 2) I'm crazy and 3) made a personal crack at me about being unemployed, without EVEN KNOWING ME?

 

I feel like if he can't stand up for me, I should move on.

 

What do you guys think?

[Cognitive_Canine]

You contacted her while you were broken up. She probably got a biased opinion of you through him. He most likely made some nasty comments about you to her while you were seperated. All she knew about you was what he claimed.

 

She was out of line by saying those things but you were also out of line by contacting her.

 

I wouldn't worry about her too much. However, your boyfriend doesn't seem like much of a winner.

 

Does he still have a drinking problem? Have you caught him in lies before?

[sandrawg]

Just a correction - I contacted her while we were still together.

 

We broke up in July, over his drinking...apparently she was helpful to him while he and I were broken up. They talked a lot, and yeah, he probably did talk some smack about me.

 

We got back together at the beginning of August, but I laid down boundaries that the drinking had to significantly be cut down. Not long afterwards, came the incident at the bar where he was drunk, and my friend busted him. I figured he had been with her at that bar, which is why I contacted her--they hung out at that bar quite a bit (it's the neighborhood bar, and they both live nearby.)

 

I've hung in there with him for over 2 yrs with no support from anyone to try to help my bf quit drinking, and I was just going to her for help, and tell her a bit about his background. I got b*tchslapped instead.

 

And yes, he has lied to me about some things before....why do you ask?

 

You contacted her while you were broken up. She probably got a biased opinion of you through him. He most likely made some nasty comments about you to her while you were seperated. All she knew about you was what he claimed.

 

She was out of line by saying those things but you were also out of line by contacting her.

 

I wouldn't worry about her too much. However, your boyfriend doesn't seem like much of a winner.

 

Does he still have a drinking problem? Have you caught him in lies before?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Okay, that makes more sense. I thought you called her while you two were broken up.

 

He just doesn't seem to be that nice of a guy to you. I wouldn't focus on this girl as much as I'd focus on him and his actions. Just don't let this guy get away with too much bad behaviour.

 

Not to be debbie downer, but do you think there might be more going on between them? Do you think they may have had a fling while you two were broken up?

[sweetgirl141]

I have experienced a similar situation with my boyfriend. My boyfriend too drinks too much, atleast in my opinion. I havent had a problem with any girls encouraging him to drink too much, but I have had encounters with his girl friends that he has hooked up but claims that he is such good friends with now. One of his now friends came 3 hours to visit him and when he introduced us she was hesitant to shake my hand, saying "Um what was your name again?!?", in a very rude mannor. The rest of the night continued with her and him constantly hugging and just being a little too friendly for me.

 

When i brought up my concern he told me how he has known her longer blah blah and that I was rude. I asked him if he ever thought SHE was rude to ME.

 

Although I see your concern, I dont think you should have contacted this girl while you and your boyfriend were broken up. At that point, its not really your business ya know?

 

But if yall are together I think you have ever right to bring up your concern. As for the girl and your boyfriend defending her. Just like in my situation, if this girl was REALLY a friend she would respect your concern and you and your boyfriend relationship. That was my boyfriend with the girl I described above. If she was really my boyfriends FRIEND instead of a girl he hooked up with that was still interested, she wouldnt have been rude to me and she would have respected her boundaries and not been all over him.

 

Id sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him your concern. If he really cares about you he will do something to make you feel more comfortable. If not, id probably move on.

[sandrawg]

He claims nothing happened between them during our break-up. He said, if he had thought of her as more than a friend, then he had his chance at that time, but he didn't do anything.

 

She said in her emails to me that he had always respected boundaries, but man, the REST of her email, just sounded like "I know him and he's fine, YOU'RE his problem...this is not the way to treat a man...he doesn't need another mother..." etc etc

 

Almost proprietary, in a way...I mean, I've never met her. How dare she say I was his problem?

 

It doesn't help that we have had issues in the past where he had trouble setting boundaries with an exgf. Just leaves me feeling like, low priority.

 

 

 

Okay, that makes more sense. I thought you called her while you two were broken up.

 

He just doesn't seem to be that nice of a guy to you. I wouldn't focus on this girl as much as I'd focus on him and his actions. Just don't let this guy get away with too much bad behaviour.

 

Not to be debbie downer, but do you think there might be more going on between them? Do you think they may have had a fling while you two were broken up?

[sandrawg]

Bleh, sweetgirl, I know this feeling.

 

My bf had an ex that would not leave him alone, even though he claimed to have told her he had a gf now. Long story, but he hung out with her behind my back and then a month or so later when we broke up, he hooked up with her.

 

I hate all that "my ex is my good friend now" BS. So long as the chick is still after your bf, there is no way they are just "friends" and no way she will treat you with anything resembling respect.

[sweetgirl141]

Bleh, sweetgirl, I know this feeling.

 

My bf had an ex that would not leave him alone, even though he claimed to have told her he had a gf now. Long story, but he hung out with her behind my back and then a month or so later when we broke up, he hooked up with her.

 

I hate all that "my ex is my good friend now" BS. So long as the chick is still after your bf, there is no way they are just "friends" and no way she will treat you with anything resembling respect.

 

 

I honestly have no problem with girls that hes slept with since it is all in the past. I wouldnt want my boyfriend to pick a fight with any guy ive slept with. Ive met girls hes slept with, some are extremely nice to me and others, not so much. It doesnt take much to see who are really friends and who just want him.

 

That girl doesnt seem much like a friend but more than an overprotective over night stand or something along those lines.

[sandrawg]

What I hate is that passive aggressive stuff, like the ex asking you, "What was your name again"???

 

They can get away with that because it could just be an honest mistake, but we as women know how women are, and we know it's meant as a dig.

 

My bf's "friend" said, at the end of our email convo, "J (my bf) said you were unemployed. Shouldn't you be spending your time looking for a job?"

 

!!!!!!

[sandrawg]

OK, I'm writing again, because I really need advice how to handle this. My bf feels it's "just a haircut"...he wants her to do his hair cuz it's cheap.

 

I just feel like, if he wants to hang out with this woman in any way, shape, or form, he needs to tell her what she did was unacceptable. I mean, NO ONE calls me "crazy" except him! Esp not some b*tch he met in a bar who doesn't even know me.

 

He feels like I don't trust him and I'm giving him ultimatums. I said, he needs to re-build trust from the deceptions of the past.

 

I feel, if he doesn't lay down the law with this woman, he and I are going to have problems, but I don't know what to ask him to do. Do I tell him not to hang out with her anymore? Is that being controlling?

[absinthe]

Why not call him on it by offering to pay the difference between a normal hairdresser and her rates? If he accepts, then it's the price difference. If he doesn't, then he's using the haircut as an excuse to get together with her.

 

I will throw something into this. IF she was rude to you while the three of you were together, that's one thing and your b/f needs to stick up for you. But if you contacted her first, whereby she wasn't interested in being your friend, she really has no obligation to be nice to you.

 

This really isn't about her. This is about trust in your b/f. If you don't trust him, why stay with him?

[Ms Darcy]

What would you like him to do/say now?

[Miss Firecracker]

The boyfriend is a drug addict. Maybe you could do better.

 

You shouldn't have bothered one of his friends. She's probably going after him, and he may have more than a friendship with her. She's definitely not your friend and never will be.

[Miss Firecracker]

One more thing.

 

If you have to resort to going to strange women to help your lover, I'd say that relationship is a lost cause.