Thinking about taking a break......

[ny guy]

Hey everyone,

 

I am sorry for the LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG post. Your support and input will be appreciated.

 

I have posted here a few times regarding my feelings for my girlfriend of almost 2 years (in December).

 

 

Here is another thread I created, not too long ago:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, if you have read that, I hope that provided some background into this. I will do my best to keep this concise and clear, but it's pretty hard to keep it short, when I feel like there are so many details. With that said, I feel like I know what the conclusion is, I just need some support and guidance.

 

 

Here goes. The relationship between me and my g/f is really good. She is a sweetheart, really really nice and thoughtful. She is an only child, with both of her parents. She's 21 years old, recently graduated last May. I am 24 and have been working full time for 2 years. As of late, we have been having issues in that she felt that I was not pulling my weight of the relationship. By that, I mean she felt as though she was contributing much more than I, she would go to many more of my family parties, whereas I would miss some of hers due to my own family obligations.

 

In addition, there was an issue in that she wanted to go somewhere overnight with me. I was originally apprehensive, b/c I don't like lying to my parents. But this served me well I think, because I realized that I am young, and sometimes I can't tell my parents the complete truth. So, we went away awhile back (month or so), and had a great time.

 

BUT, prior to going away, we had a blowup (well I did), and I basically said that I felt like I needed some time to myself. She said that she would support that, but I was convinced that we can get through it together, with more openness and honesty. I felt better just getting what I needed to say in the air, and we went away like prior paragraph.

 

Lately, I guess that I have been wanting to 'party' a bit more than I used to. IMPORTANT TO NOTE: I have talked to her many times about how I felt like I missed out on some parts of the 'college experience'. I live in a pretty straight-narrow household. Deep inside me, I am thankful for this, but I feel like my social life and development is a bit behind other people my age. I'm ok with this, but I want to get to a point where I'm rally comfortable in a party atmosphere and meeting new people. She always told me that I don't have to be the 'life of the party'. I know this, but that is not what I want. I want to be able to network with others, I just feel this is super important career wise.

 

So, back to the party we were going to. It was 4 of us, me,GF, sister, and brother. My brother did not want to drive, and I didn't either, b/c I wanted to have a few drinks and not worry about driving. My g/f has joked before that i'm going to go to AA, which she has joked before. She says that I don't need it to have a good time. I know this. I hardly drink heavily. When we go to dinner somewhere nice, I'll sometimes have 1-3 drinks, nothing more. She is not a fan of drinking to begin with, but is fine with me having 1 or 2.

 

With that in mind, she previously broke up with her h/s b/f because he wanted to go out and have fun. I feel like this is same situation.

 

Anyway, so we go to party, and I had a few drinks. I was having a good time, maybe a little too good, but nothing out of hand. She said a few comments about my drinking, but at one point, it really bugged the heck out of me. I felt like I couldn't have a good time with my g/f. I felt like she was just rolling her eyes at me. Honestly, there is nothing more I love than hanging out with my g/f. But I really want to be able to have more than a few drinks if I want, and if it is safe for me to do so.

 

So, after the party, I was kind of upset. Maybe I over-reacted, but I think it was a culmination of many things. I feel that she is trying to change my development into what she wants. Here are few examples.

 

 

-She wants me to stay overnight, not an option in my house, but I do my best to arrange night trips for us, which does not happen often. -MY RESPONSE: I made this happen one time, and now I am much more open to overnight trips that are planned and that my parent's don't know about.

 

-She wants me to refrain from 'partying' too much around her. -MY RESPONSE: I will have only a few when i'm with her.

 

-(other semi-issue?) She didn't want me to get a car that I'm thinking of getting that I would really love because she wants me to save for a house to get out of my house. MY RESPONSE: I know it's important to save up your money, but I still want that car, and it isn't prohibitively expensive, it would be about 1 year longer to get a house.

 

-in addition to aforementioned, she says that she doesn't want me to live 'too close' to my parents. I agree to some point, but still makes me kinda mad. MY RESPONSE: I will do my best. I think i'd like to live around my family, not next door, a nice buffer would do.

 

-one time she did mention that there are same issues with her mother and father, where Dad's mother was overbearing. She said her parents didnt't fight as much after her Dad's mother died. So she basically insinuated that our life would be better if my mom died!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY RESPONSE: I never made much of this, as I thought it was totally out of character for her to even say this, but it shows her frustration with my family situation.

 

-She wants me to be less frugal with my money, and not make such an issue of things like going out to eat. MY RESPONSE: I don't make much of an issue, but it bothers me that she'd rather go out to eat sometimes when i'd like to eat in. She goes out to eat ever night as her parents don't cook at all.

 

 

 

 

And here are a few things that I would like to change about her:

 

-I think that she needs to be more independent, and not depend on her parents or me so much. The other day, she got upset at me because I said I would not go to a traffic court summons. I said that she could do this on her own and that she doesn't need me. She said that I'm supposed to be there for her. I said I am there for you, but not for something so trivial. So, she called her friend to go with her, but she is upset with me. This bothers me alot, because it's something so trivial, and she considers me not 'being there' for her. HER RESPONSE: She called her friend to go with her and is upset with me.

 

-I wish she would eat healthier and just have a better lifestyle. Her parents don't really eat healthy at all, and take a large amounts of pills. They are not obese, but not healthy looking. HER RESPONSE: It is what it is, she can't change them, and she likes to go out to eat. She doesn't have major health issues now, so it's not doing any harm.

 

 

-She could lose a few pounds. She has noticably gained weight since we started dating, but I believe it is just attributable to the unhealthy diet she has. She doesn't have a super healthy lifestyle, and there is not really any physical activity done by her. I have told her that maybe she should lose weight. She lives mostly a sedentary lifestyle. I know that my physical attraction to her has waned due to this. HER RESPONSE: She doesn't like physical activity, and she does not feel it is necessary.

 

 

-When I want us to do something that involves physical activity, like ride a bike or take a sunday walk, which I would love to do with her on a sunday at noon, she never takes me up on the offer. HER RESPONSE: It's too early to wake up.

 

 

I know someone will comment on the 'shallowness' of the words above. I don't care. Healthfulness is as much a matter of appearance as it is something internal. Her not having regard for being health is contrary to what I have grown up with. My family is not super healthy, but we don't depend on medication for everyday living. It's something I don't know if I can accept forever, especially if she doesn't make the effort to do so. I have mostly accepted these things for now. I know she doesn't like physical activity and such. But the fact that she wants certain things out of me, to which I am considering and trying to do, she doesn't really consider or act on my desires of her.

 

 

I think I just need to take a break. Best before the holidays, right?? Lately I feel like I need to be by myself for awhile, and also to see what else is out there. She is a wonderful girl, so sweet. I just don't think I can provide what she wants, nor do I really want to, especially when I'm not getting it back in return.

 

I think I answered my own question, but any, any comments are welcome.

[Sanesoul]

There's a lot of "demanding" going on here and not enough "compromising". A break might be good, for both of you, to see if you can come to some compromises about things.

 

Some of the things that bother me are the fact that she is trying to control how you use your money. It's your money, and you aren't married or even living together so how you spend your money is up to you. Your still young, you don't need someone trying to control your life so much.

 

If you let someone have so much control, you start to lose yourself. Then down the road you are living a life you aren't happy with.

[SapphireNoir10]

IS there anything you actually like about this girl? Do you love her? Do you want to make it work.

 

IF your so unhappy and shes so unhappy and you've tried to resolve these issues it would be simpler to end it.

[ny guy]

IS there anything you actually like about this girl? Do you love her? Do you want to make it work.

 

IF your so unhappy and shes so unhappy and you've tried to resolve these issues it would be simpler to end it.

 

Read the other thread.

 

There are MANY redeeming qualities about her. She is really great, probably the sweetest girl I've know so far.

 

It's just that there are some issues that are deal breakers. I have tried a lot, and I have put in every effort I can in this relationship. There are some things that I have tried to change, but for the time being, I let them go.

 

But in all honesty, I am thinking about my career. There was a time last year when I was feeling upset (my love sick issues), and it really affected how I performed at work. There were no repercussions of this at work, BUT I do not want my love-life having a detrimental effect on my job performance. She is important to me, but when it comes to my career development OR my girlfriend, at this stage in life my career must come first.

 

So, I am really thinking of breaking this off before I start my upcoming busy season. It would give her a little time to prepare for the holidays, I know it will be hard for her. It will be hard for me too, but for some reason, I think I will be fine.

 

And worrying about her won't be my responsibility at that point. I know she will be heart-broken, but I have to take care of myself.

 

I'm talking like I'm going to do it today. I will take the next few days to think about stuff. She has not talked to me today yet, still mad over the traffic court thing. Although it seems like a trivial thing to be the impetus for a break-up, it's much bigger than this weekend and this traffic court issue. There is never a good time.

 

I know I will probably feel like crap after I do it, but it's better I feel like crap now than during my busy season.

 

Do I sound cold? I feel like I do.

 

I also feel like she will be blind-sided by this.

[ny guy]

I spoke to my family about this. They said for me to take it slow, which I agree.

 

I'm like 50/50 on what to do right now. I felt bad, she went to bed crying last night. She left me a voicemail crying. Something inside me just told me not to call her back, because I was not ready to talk about this.

 

She texted me this morning to see whats going on with me. I let her know that what I feel is that I've put a lot into our relationship that she just doesn't see.

 

She replied that she feels both of us have put in a lot because we love each other.

 

I don't think she really sees what I'm thinking right now. So, I'm thinking of just talking things out and laying everything that I have been thinking on the table. I think I am open to trying to make it work. The thing is she really is relationship material. She is much more settled than I am. I feel that I need to grow up a bit, and enjoy my 20's. I don't want to be worrying about 'how' I should think about settling down in the future.

 

 

The hardest part is that the 'health' things I was referring to above are very important to me. I don't know how to approach this, b/c I don't want to damage her in this way. No girl deserves this.

 

I just feel that if she lost some weight and made a much more concerted effort to be healthy and active, I could really see this happening. Looks are certainly a significant part of this, and she is such a beautiful girl. When I look at pictures of her parents when they were a bit younger, it scares me a little, because they just did not look healthy. Inside me, I know that this would be an issue to me, sexually. I know that looks wane over time, and that you love someone for who they are, but it is never as simple as that. I probably sound a bit shallow, but I know I'm no model myself. But my family is of the type that you see a problem (such as a weight issue), and we deal with it in a pro-active way.

 

Her family deals with health issues using pills and all the quick-fix stuff. That is not how I see my future, of my future wife, or my future family. They go out to eat a lot, like I've said above, and don't really pay attention to what they eat. Something healthy to them is dried veggies that are laced with sodium.

 

 

This is something that I think can be changed, but it will be a really difficult one, and something that I don't know if it will ever happen. When I have brought this up, she has said that she can't do anything about it, it's the way her family is. I just don't buy this, it's the easy way out of this.

 

 

She needs to open her mind to this. I have to make it a deal breaker, because, internally it is a deal-breaker in my mind. It is what gives me doubts in our relationship, and maybe, it may be the thing that brings us apart.

[ny guy]

Feel like I'm talking to myself, I know I write too much. lol

 

Ok. So we had a really good talk last night. I pretty much said everything I wanted to say.

 

In addition, she had a whole thing written out, and her viewpoint had everything that I was thinking. She knew exactly what was bothering me, and there were a few other things that I told her that made things clearer to her. We both realized that we have to live our own lives, and make 'us' a coming together of those things.

 

I mentioned the health concerns I had, w/o mentioning the weight issue. I can not do this to her now. But, honestly, I'm sure the thought crosses her mind. She asked me whether the health issue was because her family doesn't do healthy things, or because i'm afraid of what she's gonna look like in the future. I just did not have the heart to say both. It is a concern of mine, but there are other ways to hopefully figure this out, i'm willing to be patient.

 

I did not cry once, I was strong about this. Usually, her crying would make me tear up a bit. I remained pretty strong with her, in that I did not break down.

 

I did not tell her that I was considering breaking up. I don't want her to think about this any more. After we 'made up', she semi-broke down and said that she was afraid that I wanted another girl. I alleviated these concerns of her, I would never cheat on her, never had the inkling of a thought to do so.

 

 

It was really nice feeling her body. It will take some time for her parents to get over this. For the first time, they saw her really upset. My g/f said to me that she did not tell them what was wrong, but I guess they could figure something out. Her parents were semi-distant with me. Whatever, they'll get over it. And we will get over this, I'm sure. She tells me that I'm the one for her. I can totally see us happening. I just want to grow together and experience things together, while being our own people. And, I want to give her everything I got, w/out putting so much pressure on us. I know I deserve that much, and she deserves that much as well.

 

Breakup averted.