Just don't know where to start.....

[ElChup]

I didn't think I'd do this, but I feel so low at the moment that I feel maybe I have to get down some of my confusing thoughts and seek peoples' advice.

 

I recently split with my fiancé. We were together until a month ago, however I officially moved out of her apartment 11 days ago.

 

A little background, she is 36, I am 32. We had be together for almost exactly3 years, engaged for the last two. Over that time we moved in together and even went to the extent where her father bought her an apartment that would basically be our home together. I even helped to design it and choose the furniture. It was wonderful, and with her family in a wealthier position than me, the home we lived was well beyond what I could have afforded anytime soon. However, I supplied all of the kitchen stuff and utilities, home cinema and so on, which I had in my own apartment, which, in turn, was then let to tenants.

 

It was good life and all was going well until an unfortunate happened earlier this year. I lost my full time job. I am a lawyer and without the fulltime job I could not hope to meet my financial commitments. Worst thing was, it wasn't my fault. My boss had breached his contract with me in a big way and this led to tension. Add that to the fact that in the current climate nobody is hiring means that as of today I still only work part time. Things became difficult after I stopped working full time. I could no longer pay the bills and was struggling to even meet my own standard financial commitments. Things became tense, at the same time we were deep in preparations for the wedding and her father was pushing for it to be booked and paid for. By conicidence on 3rd of October it was the third anniversary of our meeting and I made the mistake of going out with the boys for beers. I had asked her permission, but I have since learned that I should nonetheless had stayed. Anyhow, she used that as a catalyst to bring the relationship to an end.

 

However, I am missing out something very important here....and that is the nature of our relationship. We couldn't live with each other and couldn't live without. We both had very similiar personalities to the extent that we were both stubborn and also very independent in our thinking. Both of us wanted to wear the trousers in the relationship and from day one that caused arguments. Now, although we had arguments, we also deeply loved each other as well. In fact I was smitten with her. I placed all of my emotional dependance in her and she was, quite literally, my life. We had both been single for years beforehand and we both thought this was going to be it. Equally, all her friends had gotten married and moved away and I was her right hand man, if it were. We would commumicate by phone, text and email always when we were apart, such as at work, and we always struggled if we had to spend any more that a couple weeks apart.

 

As I mentioned before, she brought an end to the relationship. However, she did so with much regret and was, and remains, in two minds about it. Her heart told her to stay, whereas her head told her that she couldn't live in a relationship where there were arguments once a week (she had come from a family where her parents never argued). In addition, time was not on her side and she felt there was too much risk in getting married to be with my current finnacial situation being the way it was. She left the relationship very much still loving me and appeared to be pretty devastated.

 

For me, things couldn't have come at a worse time. Since I have no full time job I cannot get rid of the tenants in my own home as I need the rental income to cover the mortgage. Thus I am in a fix. I have had to move back into my parents' house while putting my stuff in storage, which is a small working class house with a tiny bedroom for me to be in - the one I grew up in, in fact. They live along way out of town so I am cut off from everyone and everything I am used to. Add that to the fact that they are not very easy to live with. I have not just lost my soulmate, but my entire life right along with it.

 

I feel that I have destroyed my relationship and my life with it.......yet at the same time the fact that we would have arguments played on my logical mind and I went on hoping it would resolve itself.

 

I am almost at rock bottom. If it were not that I had my own home, and that small chance of returning there once I get back to work, then I would be suicidal right now. But I don't know if I have the energy to go and get that job.....even though I am, at the same time, desperate to return home. I fear that I will be stranded in this misery for a long time.

 

Also, she really wants to stay friends and, with her being a really good person, and having had her stick by me during a time of illness two years ago, I have been open to the idea. We have even gone out once since I left, although that had been arranged since before the split.

 

I have so many questions I have to try and answer

 

1) How to resolve the fact that this is not a situation where she has met someone new and no longer has feelings for me. Knowing that she is out there, upset and faced with having to start all over again at 36. I so wish I could go back there and be the person she wants....but I guess that can't happen now.

 

2) How to stay friends and fly in the face of the no contact rule. I cannot just shut her out of my life. We lived our lives together and so much of what I own is linked to her. In the last few weeks together, after the official break up, we were very civil to each other and enjoyed each other's company. We gave each other a send off. For me that has been easier than simply walking out. It brought me the first stage of closure. We are both very mature so there was no silliness about it.

 

The way I see it, many people have to stay in contact with exs for reasons of children, et al, and they get on reasonably well. Why not us?

 

3) We agreed that in the early stages contact would not be substantial, but she has still posted comments on my Facebook pages and sent me texts to see how I am....leading to big text exchanges. I know she still has feelings....but if I cannot win her back at the moment then what to do? I have let her make approaches, rather than I, since she brought it to an end.

 

4) Picking myself up. Not sure I can do it. Don't even have the energy for my part time job at the moment.

 

5) Hoping to find someone in the future. This woman was a verrry hard act to follow. She was very beautiful, implicitly loyal and trustworthy, extremely dependable and loving and not only did I get all that, but we had a great lifestyle as well. I feel that she truly was one in a million, and I say that with logic instead of heart. Everybody thought so, not just me.

 

6) Feeling powerless to go and comfort her....and thinking of her in her home, all alone every night.

 

This was the first time I had been in a serious long term relationship where I lived with someone and shared everything day to day. For me it's like a divorce....and a divorce that left me with nothing to boot. I just don't know where to start.

[DN]

Ok - before you take out all the blame on yourself there seems to be things that she was doing that weren't helpful - she also wants to 'wear the trousers' but bailed because of arguments. Does that mean she wanted you to do things her way all the time?

 

Were there arrangements for this anniversary - and you should have asked 'permission'!!??

 

It seems there is more to this than you are posting about - and I am never very impressed when someone bails on a relationship because their partner is going through a job loss and financial difficulties - it looks too much as if the 'catalyst' was more of an 'excuse' than a real reason.

 

When a relationship breaks down and there may be a chance of reconciliation it is important to know the real reasons on both sides if there is a chance for it to work. And if you don't get back together it is still important because otherwise the sense of total self-blame can be over-whelming.

[WomanWriter]

I agree with DN.

 

Also, I don't think leaving you because you lost your job is a good reason to leave someone. It's her choice, of course, but not something you should blame yourself for. You are suffering through these hardships, yet you are concerned about her...I think you should be more concerned about yourself right now than how she's feeling without you. Many couples don't bail when the going gets tough...I would say that's the true test of a relationship...if the couple can work through the hard times together instead of bailing, blaming, or withdrawing. Seems she couldn't cope. Don't blame yourself! What could you have done differently?

 

Right now, just focus on your job. If she comes back only when you get another job, she is not worth it, IMO. Your choice, but I think you deserve more out of life.

[ElChup]

Ok - before you take out all the blame on yourself there seems to be things that she was doing that weren't helpful - she also wants to 'wear the trousers' but bailed because of arguments. Does that mean she wanted you to do things her way all the time?

Not really, she conformed to a lot of what I wanted as well. I was never under the thumb. The problem was that because both of us were used to getting our own way there was always quite a bit of negotiation over things before one of us relented, most often her. She did, however, have strong feelings about certain things and had difficulty compromising on them in her head....and towards the end of the relationship had admkitted that she could be difficult in that regard.

 

Were there arrangements for this anniversary - and you should have asked 'permission'!!??

No, I was the one who brought it up. She said she had remembered it, but I was teh first one to bring it up. Permission is maybe too strong a word by it was after I had run it by her that she said I should go.....then complained the next day.

 

It seems there is more to this than you are posting about - and I am never very impressed when someone bails on a relationship because their partner is going through a job loss and financial difficulties - it looks too much as if the 'catalyst' was more of an 'excuse' than a real reason.

Well, like I say, its not just that, it's also the personality clashes. I think she felt that she could deal with the personality clashes but when everything else went wrong as well she couldn't find much in the relationship that was making her happy.

 

When a relationship breaks down and there may be a chance of reconciliation it is important to know the real reasons on both sides if there is a chance for it to work. And if you don't get back together it is still important because otherwise the sense of total self-blame can be over-whelming.

 

Indeed....but I feel reconciliation can only now come if I get back into work full-time, by which time she might have moved on to someone new (although unlikely - took her five years to find me), and even then she may feel that the personality clashes are still too much to deal with.

 

To be hones, my main objective right now is to try and find ways to keep dragging myself out of depression so I can go out there and try my best to find a full time job.

[ElChup]

I agree with DN.

 

Also, I don't think leaving you because you lost your job is a good reason to leave someone. It's her choice, of course, but not something you should blame yourself for. You are suffering through these hardships, yet you are concerned about her...I think you should be more concerned about yourself right now than how she's feeling without you. Many couples don't bail when the going gets tough...I would say that's the true test of a relationship...if the couple can work through the hard times together instead of bailing, blaming, or withdrawing. Seems she couldn't cope. Don't blame yourself!

I find it difficult to worry about me instead of her. I am not a selfish man in that way and she, and the family we were looking to build, became my only objective in life.

 

I think the problem was that she came from a privileged background where if she wanted something she usually got it. She was not a spoiled brat in the conventional sense, indeed on first appearance she was quite the opposite. Never flashy, never arrogant, convinced the she didn't need money to be happy. But I think the problem was that she was used to having an easy life where, when the going got tough, there would be an easy way to resolve it. When it came to the relationship she, but her own perspective, gave it what she could, but her lack of real experience in life never really taught her that sometimes you've really got to rough it hard.

What could you have done differently?

I think I did ask much as I could...to the extent that I was getting exhausted.

Right now, just focus on your job. If she comes back only when you get another job, she is not worth it, IMO. Your choice, but I think you deserve more out of life.

Yeah, ever since the break up my logical mind says not to go back. I suppose its just because I've lost so much that my mind is confused.

[ElChup]

God, just broke down crying again....

[Brightstar]

EC, I know you are hurting but it will get better. Do you really want to be with someone who bails out when things are a little tough. What will happen in the future if something else comes along to test her? A good relationship is where two people work through the hard times. Take care.

[ElChup]

EC, I know you are hurting but it will get better. Do you really want to be with someone who bails out when things are a little tough. What will happen in the future if something else comes along to test her? A good relationship is where two people work through the hard times. Take care.

 

I understand what you are saying......although I do feel that ultimately that's not quite it. There were other tough times and she stuck by me. Ultimately I think she was concerned about the personality clashes.

[ElChup]

Think I made a big mistake. I need to get some post from her so I have asked her to meet me for coffee next week, which she is happy to do, but it flies in the face of NC.

 

 

 

I do desperately want to form a friendship with her though. I know people say it doesn't often work....but then I'm gonna try my hardest for it to work. I think then if the boundries are reset it will be easier for me to operate as normal. I've just go too mucb other misery in my life at the moment to totally cut her off.

[Spondence]

My situation is similar. There are two things I've learned. NC is the only thing that you can do to help, and it's very slow.

 

2 months NC for me. Much better now.

[KiNo]

Yup, it doesn't matter where to start, you need to start anyway, keep NC, and start socialize will help you get over and start loving again.

 

Its okay to fail a relationship, for sure, both of you made mistake, done something that shouldn't be done. Still, what done is done, you 2 broke up and did. So, please don't take all the blame. You two love each other but it doesn't mean that you both have to be together right? You just cannot fix everything in love, love is about feeling and chemistry, not some screw and gear wheel. And when love end, it end...

[ElChup]

Well, I basically told her I needed to cut her off this past Wednesday and all hell broke loose.....but then I didn't go about it in the best way. I'll give a her a call in a few days to properly explain. I don't mind staying in touch with her, but I need her to understand that that means I can't have a great deal of contact with her these days.

[DN]

What do you mean by 'all hell broke loose'?

 

Unless there s a really compelling reason, I think your best bet is to just let it lie and go no contact - explaining further will just confuse things even more.

[ElChup]

What do you mean by 'all hell broke loose'?

 

Unless there s a really compelling reason, I think your best bet is to just let it lie and go no contact - explaining further will just confuse things even more.

 

Well, I don't like leaving things on bed terms so that I am bad mouthed to others.

 

I say all hell broke loose because she through a fit that I was "behaving badly" by saying I wanted to be friends and then seemingly suggesting that I had changed my mind (when it fact what I said was that I was finding it hard). I also asked for a gift back that I bought her, some very expensive underwear that was meant for us to enjoy intimately, that she never put on and so I was getting upset at the prospect of her wearing it for some other chap any some point in the future. It feels like a betrayal.

[arwen]

I get the impression overall that there are a lot of things in which you are or were trying to stand your ground (on an issue or on having NC which you needed), and she sees it as reasons for a big fight. This is passive aggressive behavior on her side- and it makes you feel like whatever you do, it's wrong, and what happened is your fault. Also, for her to bad-mouth you (at least that was what you were afraid of) around because YOU needed space after SHE broke up with you... what is up with that?

 

It seems to me that you wanted to keep the peace although your boundaries in the relationship have been crossed more than once.

[ElChup]

Yeah. I don't want bad terms with her but I do think that the fact that she says she was forced to break up because of my supposedly bad actions is not an excuse to ignore the fact that I am hurting.

[arwen]

What did she consider to be 'bad actions' precisely?

[jbrooklyn]

I have been in a similiar situation and the last thing I wanted to do was go NC. I didnt want to ....and I mean, I didnt want to but in the end ...that is what happen anyway. If I would have stopped it and not fought it,....it may have been alot better now. Being friends is not going to work. It will make it worst and it will make you feel like poop more and more. You are doing yourself wrong by trying to be in her life.

 

If you cant have her then the best thing to do is to let her go. let it go

[ElChup]

What did she consider to be 'bad actions' precisely?

 

Occasionally drinking too much. See my friends at the weekends from time to time and leaving her on her own. Leaving her on her own on our third anniversary (although with her consent).

[arwen]

Those do not seem to be to be crucial mistakes on your part, although leaving her alone on the 3rd anniversary is something I'd probably have tried to avoid in case anniversaries are a 'thing' (we don't celebrate them really).

 

Do you think it's possible there is another reason for her to break up with you? One that she didn't tell you?

[ElChup]

Those do not seem to be to be crucial mistakes on your part, although leaving her alone on the 3rd anniversary is something I'd probably have tried to avoid in case anniversaries are a 'thing' (we don't celebrate them really).

 

Do you think it's possible there is another reason for her to break up with you? One that she didn't tell you?

 

Yes, there is. We have personality clashes that lead to arguments, as I said in the OP. These other items, I think, were just an excuse to make it happen....but I think the the arguments, which were in part down to the fact that neither of us really wanted to compromise too much, are the core issue.

[ElChup]

Dammit.....she didn't even wait for me to call like I said. She's commenting on my Facebook again.

 

She just lonely or is she doing this to me on purpose????