No longer attracted to bf, but I want to be -- what to do?

[blinx]

We're in our 30s. We've been together for about 5 years. He's a great guy. Emotionally, he's there. He listens, helps around the house, etc.

 

In years 1-3 I was pretty much head over heels in love. Now, for some reason, I don't seem to even want to have sex with him. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but this is what I suspect...

 

I keep myself in good shape. I go to the gym, eat well, etc. I don't go overboard with making myself look good, but I do want to look good and put some effort into it.

 

He seems to have just let himself go. He was large when we met, which is fine. But he puts no effort into trying to lose weight, even tho he says he wants to. He continues to eat huge portions, though I tell him it's bad for him. He smokes and he told me he'd quit. But I don't think he will ... he really isn't trying. Always some excuse comes up (stress at work, etc.). So his breath kind of stinks. He has knee issues and should see a doctor. I kind of badger him to do so but it's basically like if I don't call the doc and make the appt. for him, he won't do it. So, he's overweight, says he wants to lose weight but can't really exercise because of his bad knee. It's a cyclical problem. Says he wants to quit smoking, but puts no effort into it.

 

I guess I've reached a point that I get so annoyed with his inability to take care of himself, I've kind of lost attraction for him. Plus, I find it a little unfair that I try to keep myself looking good for him but I don't think he does the same for me. I think the way he sees it, when you're with someone, they should love you unconditionally, even if you're morphing into a sloppy blob. He says he'd love me no matter what, but I wonder sometimes, if I let myself balloon to like 200 lbs, would he really still find me attractive? (I'm 5'2" and 115 lbs, just to give you an idea. So 200 lbs would be huge for me).

 

Don't you have to work at a relationship? I feel terrible I'm incapable of this "unconditonal" type of love and attraction. I feel really shallow. I don't know how to become attracted to him again.

 

He's a sweet guy otherwise. I can't really find any other fault with him. I wish I could take a love potion and just be attracted to him again. But alas.

 

Any suggestions on how I can "fall in love" with him again? Or any suggestions on how to approach this with him? I mean, how do you tell someone you care about that you are no longer sexually attracted to them? I don't want to hurt him.

 

I'm so conflicted. I feel very bad about this -- I feel like a b*tch, really and kind of hate myself. Maybe I need to see a shrink.

[In the Dark]

I understand your reasons for feeling this way. . .

I personally have not had this issue but still if someone just let themselves go because they feel like thier partner is going to be there regardless of what they look like. . .it doesn't quite work that way.

 

There was niohing in marriage vows about for uglier for prettier.

 

We have toi be able to look in the mirror and go. . .damn.

Need to work on this or that if it obviously does need working on.

[YakasJourney]

Don't feel bad, it's not shallow. But maybe he is depressed, and there are some deeper issues going on that are causing him to not take care of himself. Maybe it's worth looking into. Talk to him about it. Tell him what you've said here.

[mca1975]

I have had this before. With an ex some years ago. He was always a little overweight but he was quite handsome and I really fancied him, however, after two years together he turned into a total slob and wouldnt even wash regularly, took no pride in his appearance at all and just looked scruffy. He even used to smell!

 

Also there were things about his personality that were starting to make him look ugly as he would always try to put me down and belittle me.

 

I ended up leaving him and it was the right decision, but had it just been based on his looks and appearance, I would have just told him to sort it out.

 

You don't have to say "I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore" as that is hurtful and also don't feel bad for not being sexually attracted to him. Sexual attraction always wanes, especially after 5 years! You just need to drop hints, like when you go to kiss him, tell him his breathe stinks, make it a half joke/half serious comment and tell him you don't want to kiss him as long as his breath is like that. You could also buy him some new clothes and just say you want him to try making more of an effort for his own sake and happiness. Tell him you are very worried about his health and you want him to act on it.

[brahman]

I really don't know your situation too well, and if I'm wrong at all the I'm wrong. But I remember my ex use to baby me all the time, I would tell her to stop, but she just couldn't stop. It on occasion made me continue to do the things she hated, really just because she hated it. It stopped being a real relationship and started being more of hiding form one another, or trying to avoid the others remarks. I'm sure you two aren't that bad, but I know it was one of the bigger issues we had.

 

He needs to regulate himself, he needs to regulate himself without you regulating him. He needs to feel like the love you to have is something you continue to work at, even if it means going to the gym and stop smoking. Basically he needs to be on the same page as you. It is very obvious here that you two are at this point on different pages, and he needs to know that unless you two are on the same page, then he might loose you.

 

Now I don't know how to accomplish that, others seem to be making suggestions, but this is the goal.

[mca1975]

Yes, this is definitely another angle on this problem. I know that I will continue to do something just to spite someone telling me not to. I think its only human.

 

However, I think you just need to be straight up with your BF and tell him that it is really worrying you and tell him your concerns, but don't mention sexual attraction.

[wildchild1]

Who cooks most of the meals? If you do, then your probably in control of the most important aspect of healthy living. Make a healthy breakfast for you two, pack the both of you a lunch(with 2 healthy snacks). Lunch should be good enough to keep him from eating bacon cheeseburgers, but lean enough to be healthy. Then cook a sensible dinner. Just tell him you want the both of you to eat better if he asks about it.

[InBruges]

External appearance is often a reflection of internal qualities. It's not shallow to dislike someone's disregard for their own body - it's an internal character flaw that goes much deeper than just looks.

 

This is why I've never liked it when people preach, "be happy with who you are" in regards to weight. Fat cells do not define us - they're something we can acquire or get rid of in measure to our own internal drive. Or as I like to say, "there are no fat people - only people who let themselves get fat."

 

I would take any claims of a "medical condition" with a grain of salt as well. Weight and mass obey the laws of physics, even when it comes to people. And since matter can't be created or destroyed (outside of nuclear reactions), if a person is getting fat, it's because too much mass is going in their intake pipe.

[blinx]

Thanks for all the tips & advice.

 

To brahman: I don't baby him or nag him much. I know how annoying that can be. I'm a very independent person and I treat others that way. But I do bring up, about every month or so, how he's said he wanted to lose weight, stop smoking, get his knee checked. But he still continues to do what he does. I guess I'm starting to get to that point that I tell myself I shouldn't care. but of course, if it gets to that point, the relationship is over, right?

 

Wildchild: We both cook. But we both work nights, so we rarely eat together. We ususally eat at work (we don't work at the same place). I've made him dinner to take to work, and he'll eat that. But he says it's not enough sometimes and when he gets home, he'll make himself two cans of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Which I tell him is TERRIBLE for him. But he's home before I am, so nothing I can do. Again, we're both adults. The way I see it, if he really wants to change, he has to do it.

 

mca: My ex also used to belittle me. my ex-hubby I should say. I finally had enough and divorced him. I totally get where you're coming from. My friends (and strangers even) always tell me I'm beautiful and smart. So I just got tired of dealing with his sh*tty attitude and disrespect. Best thing I've ever done. Of course, he begged me to take him back but I couldn't. New BF is totally different. Always compliments me, tries to take care of me -- he's super sweet. He just seems to feel he doesn't have to take care of himself. And when I tell him that he has to do that, he gets defensive and says things like he has no time because of work, etc. etc. excuses excuses.

 

So I need to figure out a way to tell him without hurting his feelings how I feel. I'm just kind of tired of his excuses: can't exercise because bad knee. Can't get knee seen by doc because of work schedule. unhappy about work. I've even told him that I make enough money to support us for a while, he should just decide what he WANTS to do and try to go do it -- study, whatever. But he doesn't even know what he wants to do!

 

I'm really getting tired. In some ways i DO feel like i'm mommying him because well... Maybe that's at the heart of this. It's more like watching a child than an equal relationship.

[YakasJourney]

Sounds like he might need some tough love, actually. Perhaps you are enabling him a bit?

[lightbulb1607308308]

I am in this same boat completely

 

I think InBruges is right about the external being a representation of the internal.

 

There has to be a way for people to be comfortable in a relationship without giving up on personal drive. It is very hard when you have to supply the solutions and the energy for both people in a relationship (as it sounds like you are) He should be the one taking care of himself and figuring out what he wants, not you! I know someone this "sweet" would never want to be an emotional vampire to you, but that is exactly what he is doing. He is treating you like a mother figure, which is kind of a complement, but its also bullsh*t.

 

My advice is to put your foot down. It doesnt sound like he wants to loose you - be clear about what you want and need from the relationship and make sure you are consistent with that.

[WhiteRabbit81]

Well I kind of know where you are coming from. I guess the difference is that I stopped taking care of myself and being healthy because he had no interest in leading a healthy lifestyle with me and I just wanted to be agreeable (poor self-esteem on my part). When we first started dating I was a little troubled as he was the largest man I've ever dated, but he was so wonderful I decided to give the relationship a try with the hopes that I could encourage him to do things with me and move toward a generally healthier lifestyle with me. That never happened. He had and still has no interest in becoming a healthier person. The only difference is me trying to be agreeable to keep the relationship going has left me 70lbs heavier!!! Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT blame him for this, I completely blame myself but now my resentment towards him has eroded what sexual attraction I did have for him and I can't even look myself in the mirror now without wanting to cry. I've tried to lose weight on and off for the last two years but I get absolutely no support from him. Basically he tells me he's happy for me but when we're at home he won't eat the healthy food I cook. He just orders out and eats it right next to me without considering how hard I've been working to lose weight. I don't know about you but if I've been working out all week and eating to lose weight, well, it's hard to maintain willpower when you're running a calorie deficit. If he's eating a pizza next to me and my stomach starts growling, it's pretty much over for me. And that's how it's been for the last two years.

 

I don't think you're superficial for asking your SO to care about his body as much as you care about yours. It's just a basic value that you have in life. What really hurts me is that I've asked my BF to do this for OUR health and he refuses. It's hard to look at someone you love essentially hurting himself with poor lifestyle habits. There's nothing wrong with standing up for your values, just because this is one that eventually leads to a better-looking person doesn't make it vain. I've realized that over the years (too bad I didn't figure it out at least 50lbs ago).

 

Good luck.

[geekgirl4]

For me, it's hard to respect and love someone who can't do the same to themselves. I feel like it's not about the physical aspect of your bf that made you fall out of love but the fact that he takes no effort to take care of himself. It seems like mothering him into being adult is something you don't want to do and there's nothing wrong with that. Sit him down and tell him what you told us. That you want to be with someone who can take care of themselves. If he spouts off crap like, oh you should love me even if I gain 100 lbs, that's ridiculous. The attitude behind that is terrible. Yes, you should love someone for who they are - so do you want to love someone who thinks they should do absolutely nothing to have people love them?

 

Talk to him. Maybe there's a deeper issue behind his lack of self effort. If there is, be there with him and help him out. If not and he dismisses what you say, well, up to you. IMO, sexual attraction is an important aspect of a relationship. Of course it's ridiculous to say that attraction only comes when people are fit and healthy. You can still be attracted to overweight men. I think perhaps it's more his attitude to himself that's the real turn off.