One door closes and another door...closes.

[rapunzel]

A man I know through friends that I was attracted to many years ago is close to a year post break up of his 7 year relationship. He has been very flirty with me recently and called me twice last week to invite me to his house on H'ween for a small gathering.

 

I went and he was again, quite forward with me, flirting and I flirted back.

 

He chased me out to the car when I was leaving, pulling on my arm and asked me not to go, and it was all very fun and flirty. We kissed and canoodled a bit, even though I warned him I had a cold. It gave me a little boost, someone to think about other than the ex...he seemed quite attracted to me. He did tell me as he left, that he was still "tender" (from his ex). I responded that I was "tender" as well.

 

Well he called last night to apologize for being "inappropriate". The conversation was light, breezy but he never said anything positive about me or our little encounter. He again reiterated that he wanted to apologize for being "inappropriate". We joked about it and I said he did not have to apologize, I asked him why he felt it was inappropriate, that it was not unpleasant and I asked him if it was unpleasant for him and he said "only in my mind, afterwards" and I said, "oh, because of your emotional state" and he said "yes." He also joked that I might meet a handsome man on my trip out west. Hmm...NOT encouraging.

 

So he's still in mourning over his crazy ex-GF, 7 year relationship. Our mutual friend confirmed she is definitely crazy and this guy wanted out. They were unhappy for a really long time. Some guys like crazy apparently. He needs another 6-12 months it seems.

 

So I'm back to square one.

 

I had to email the band last night that I was missing rehearsal due to my cold, and would miss the next rehearsal as well due to my trip out west. The only person that responded was my ex, who wished me a nice trip and hopes I feel better soon. It made me really sad to get this email from him, and I know it means nothing.

 

God, I hope I feel better soon. And I hope I get some clarity during this vacation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh well...the way the guy was after you it clearly is better it didn't work out..he did seem kind of desperate and maybe feeling lonesome that night so that is why he went after you. No point being with someone who is mourning his relationship..it is good that he came to his senses rather than string you along. At least you will be away from the band for a bit.

[rapunzel]

Yes, which shows he is a decent guy...he knew he was leading me on and quickly nipped it in the bud...very unlike my ex, I might add.

 

Speaking of whom, I did not respond to ex's email wishing me a nice trip and hoping I feel better. I know it makes no difference, response or no response but what do you think? Right thing to do? Or does my non-response make him think that I'm not over him? I'm busy packing, and I'm sick so I don't need to respond, right?

 

Or would a quick reply of "thanks!" be better, as I would probably do this with any other person.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, not necessary to respond...you are way too busy and need to deal with being sick. Just take care of yourself.

[quirky]

I've had a couple of situations where a guy shows LOTS of interest and then withdraws. Which is why I don't respond TOO much at the beginning. Cos they're crazy, men get so excited and then lose momentum. Only thing you can trust is a slow stable approach. Put it down to an experience, you might meet again at a later point when he's better.

 

Regarding your ex's email, I probably wouldn't bother but I don't know how far you're with your healing or how you feel towards him.

[rapunzel]

Thanks.

 

That's what I thought; when I got his email I decided not to respond, not necessary. I hate to admit that I still foolishly believe somehow that my actions or nonactions may or may not have any effect on him.

 

He is still trying to be the nice guy and alleviate his guilt. Whatever. I must continue to move forward.

[rapunzel]

I've had a couple of situations where a guy shows LOTS of interest and then withdraws. Which is why I don't respond TOO much at the beginning. Cos they're crazy, men get so excited and then lose momentum. Only thing you can trust is a slow stable approach. Put it down to an experience, you might meet again at a later point when he's better.

 

Regarding your ex's email, I probably wouldn't bother but I don't know how far you're with your healing or how you feel towards him.

 

 

You are very wise. I wish I was as smart. What happens for me is that I have such LONG periods of time (now it's 14 months) between men that it's very difficult to hold back when I'm attracted. Men are allowed to get excited, not think about their actions, let their sex drives just take over and plunge full steam ahead and women are required to be cautious, hold back, not let things get out of hand, keep our sex drives (which in my opinion, are just as strong as mens....just different) in check.

 

With this latest guy, all I allowed was him to kiss and canoodle me a bit so I'm not that upset. In another week I probably won't even think about it.

 

My fear is I will NEVER forgive myself for not going more slowly with the ex...I know it was MY role to control the pace, and I blew it. I feel quite discouraged about my prospects and am emotionally trying to prepare for a life alone. Many of my female friends, my sister and my mother have even been telling me to face reality, that this is a distinct possibility.

 

And I just can't get over that it's my own damn fault for not being SMART.

[quirky]

Don't be so hard on yourself, I feel so much of what you're saying and I as well wish I could be freer sometimes, like they get all the fun or something. You didn't do anything wrong on that night.

 

1)How old are you?

2)How come do you get this long gaps between men?

3)Have you ever read any books regarding male phychology?

4)Do you feel comfortable with who you are?

[Batya33]

Was either door ever really open? I say that to be helpful because getting this dramatic about the second guy makes little sense as far as you feeling better. And as far as the first guy, yes you had very strong feelings for him but you were not a victim in that relationship because at that time he was honest with you about his unavailability or at least the high risk that he wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. Sure, afterwards he acted like a jerk with this new woman in your face and all that but to label all of this as doors closing - what's productive about that?

 

Have a great trip and hope your cold is better soon.

[rapunzel]

Don't be so hard on yourself, I feel so much of what you're saying and I as well wish I could be freer sometimes, like they get all the fun or something. You didn't do anything wrong on that night.

 

1)How old are you?

2)How come do you get this long gaps between men?

3)Have you ever read any books regarding male phychology?

4)Do you feel comfortable with who you are?

 

I am 48. I have men who are attracted to me but I am selective and that's why it is so long between relationships. Also, it gets MUCH harder for women at this age....I know of 3 men who are dating women 12-15 years younger than them, and one is my ex.

 

I have read some books....yes. I just find when I'm attracted to a man, and it's been 1-2 years, and I'm with him - alone - and we start kissing. It's very difficult to think logically when emotions and hormones are flaring. I did not sleep with my ex for several weeks...and knew him for 6 months before anything happened....but he did throw out some warnings which I ignored, attributing it to the fact that since he was a guy, he was just doing the (sometimes, not always) typical scaredy cat guy thing.

 

This last experience, the past two years, has done considerable damage to my self image and psyche. It has without question been the most difficult time I have ever experienced, worse than the loss of my father to cancer. I have never cried so much in my life. I am slowly building myself back up and the inability to have NC with my ex has made it a challenge indeed.

[rapunzel]

Was either door ever really open? I say that to be helpful because getting this dramatic about the second guy makes little sense as far as you feeling better. And as far as the first guy, yes you had very strong feelings for him but you were not a victim in that relationship because at that time he was honest with you about his unavailability or at least the high risk that he wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. Sure, afterwards he acted like a jerk with this new woman in your face and all that but to label all of this as doors closing - what's productive about that?

 

Have a great trip and hope your cold is better soon.

 

The ex came on very strong in the beginning, first time around. He did start to pull back, yes, and gave me some warnings: "having a midlife crisis, not feeling like himself for the past 6 months" etc. But he kept it going. I don't think it is that uncommon that men pull back in the early stages, perhaps I am wrong. He definitely opened a door, and then he closed it. He opened it again, and then he closed it.

 

I just used the analogy as a lot of of people around here throw it around to signify a positive thing about a break up: "When one door closes, another door opens."

 

Thank you.

[Batya33]

The ex came on very strong in the beginning, first time around. He did start to pull back, yes, and gave me some warnings: "having a midlife crisis, not feeling like himself for the past 6 months" etc. But he kept it going. I don't think it is that uncommon that men pull back in the early stages, perhaps I am wrong. He definitely opened a door, and then he closed it. He opened it again, and then he closed it.

 

I just used the analogy as a lot of of people around here throw it around to signify a positive thing about a break up: "When one door closes, another door opens."

 

Thank you.

 

I am very familiar with the analogy - and your relationship at least as far as you described it. I agree that people can pull back if things go too fast but pulling back and telling you what he told you (and from what I recall it was far more than you wrote) - and you kept it going too - I know you don't want to play the victim here, you've written that many times so I am surprised to read your post.

 

And I don't think its' positive to use the analogy you did in the way you did - I think it's unproductive and overly dramatic. As far as what door he opened - I think he opened the door of being interested in casually seeing you or dating you - but you always wanted more and most of the problem was you weren't honest with yourself about wanting more because you were afraid that if you didn't settle for his scraps you'd be alone. That's what I read in this post - that if this near stranger had responded differently your door would be open again and you'd feel better. I don't think it's a great idea to put that much of your happiness in a near stranger.

 

I most often find you very inspiring - a talented musician (understatement!), worldly, intelligent, self-aware - so posts like these make me scratch my head a bit.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your response. Acknowledge, second time around he was more forthright with his emotional state, still being stuck on his ex. First time around he never brought it up, e.g. that his "midlife crisis" had anything to do with her.

 

I don't think in the early stages you can know if someone is only interested in casual dating or if something serious will develop. A person might think they are only interested in "casual dating" and they end up falling in love. In the first 3-6 months, it can go either way. A girlfriend of mine married the man who told her from the get-go he didn't want anything serious. They have three kids. She was very smart and did not sleep with him for 3 months. She was also in her late 20's when this happened.

 

At this point, it would be very helpful for me to have another man to be attracted to, to help me in finally moving on from the last two years with ex. I do not base my happiness on this latest guy who incidentally I've known for about 10 years, have been at many social occasions with so he is not at all a stranger. It was a pleasant boost to know he was attracted to me in that way. I would feel better to be in a relationship with someone else. I AM HUMAN and yes, we have to be happy alone but I've been alone for 14 months. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to find someone else. As I said, it was a just a kiss and in another week I won't even think about it.

[Batya33]

It's all a matter of degree. No there is nothing wrong with you of course in wanting to date someone - that is not what I wrote and I think you know that my comments were on how dramatic you are being about this other guy. As far as the first guy, sure anything can happen - I was proposed to by a guy who said on the first date he'd never consider marrying before age 30, he proposed to me when he was 26, I declined and now he is married - to a man. But, all else being equal, from what I recall the first time around this guy was pretty clear through his actions and words that he wasn't interested in anything serious with you and that's fine that you took the risk of getting attached as if he was interested in something serious.

 

That's the difference to me - no worries in casually dating someone and seeing if it gets serious, but allowing yourself to become that attached that fast is very risky behavior. We can agree to disagree. As far as the second time I know you posted that you knew he most likely didn't want anything serious with you.

 

And I really wish you wouldn't see this as alone for 14 months - for one thing I think you dated that guy who was separated, yes? And anyway, you seem to have a very full life with the band and friends, etc - "alone" seems inconsistent with your life even if you're not dating anyone at the moment.

[quirky]

Yes now I remember reading one of your posts about your ex fancying the singer in the band, they are together now are they? It doesn't sound like you totally jumped in the relationship with your ex.

I'm not certain at all if this is how you feel but I'm a musician as well and here's how I felt many times.

 

I don't often meet people that I relate to on a deep level. And not just people, but clothes, art, music. Once I find that what speaks to me I never get bored. I'm not difficult, most people find me very warm and lots of fun because I understand human behaviour and know what to do. But in my heart, few people can get me. I have mainly dated creative people as we seem to get each other.

When you find "home" (which is difficult for many creatives) it is very hard to leave it because you know how long it's gonna take to find that again.

 

I read "feel the fear and do it anyway" last summer and it totally changed my perspective, made me really understand that we can be strong and brave even while feeling fragile inside. Made me realise how free we can be. You can be so much more than what you define yourself to be. like "rapunzel likes predictability, eats toast for breakfast, sleeps late, is too emotional, is selective" All these leave you in a somewhat safe egocentric state defining only a tiny fracture of what you can be. We are spirits, we can be SO much more.

 

This may seem irrelevant but I believe that the freer you feel the happier you'll be. Regarding the men, I hear compliments but have no expectation. I give it time, I listen to them and react gracefully but I don't listen if you see what I mean. I just focus on a personal path of freedom.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Men are allowed to get excited, not think about their actions, let their sex drives just take over and plunge full steam ahead and women are required to be cautious, hold back, not let things get out of hand, keep our sex drives (which in my opinion, are just as strong as mens....just different) in check.

 

I guess it really depends...some women, myself included, do not have much respect for men who let their penises do the talking. I don't think much of men who run full speed ahead because it shows me that they are impulsive, do not think with their brains and are likely not interested in who the woman is as a person, they just want someone, anyone, to fill whatever void there is in their life, be it loneliness or horniness.

[CatsMeeoow]

R - did you enjoy the attention from the guy the other night?

 

I'm going to guess the answer is yes - so then enjoy the fact that a guy you thought was attractive was attractive to you. You are so worried about not finding anyone else and yet this points to the opposite.

 

This is a sign to get out there and enjoy the company of others. And, remember just because you enjoy someones company and you have a sweet little make out session doesn't mean it will equal a relationship. Its not uncommon to have to date a few different people before you find the right one that sticks and you've left yourself out of the game for a bit...

 

Relax and enjoy this time... and don't build a relationship on the first date!

 

Have a sweet vacation!

[rapunzel]

R - did you enjoy the attention from the guy the other night?

 

I'm going to guess the answer is yes - so then enjoy the fact that a guy you thought was attractive was attractive to you. You are so worried about not finding anyone else and yet this points to the opposite.

 

This is a sign to get out there and enjoy the company of others. And, remember just because you enjoy someones company and you have a sweet little make out session doesn't mean it will equal a relationship. Its not uncommon to have to date a few different people before you find the right one that sticks and you've left yourself out of the game for a bit...

 

Relax and enjoy this time... and don't build a relationship on the first date!

 

Have a sweet vacation!

 

Thanks, yes it did feel good to know he was attracted to me. I'm not convinced that I will not hear from him again, in fact, I am quite certain I will see him again as we have mutual friends that we are both close to.

 

 

As I said earlier, I won't let this bother me for too long, in fact I already feel like I'm over it! An old flame is also majorly flirting with me, he lives in a different state but says he wants to visit. He really hurt me about 13 years ago but due to long distance and NC I got over it and now we are friends....because he KEPT contacting me. Funny how that happens.

 

I do get out there, and I do enjoy the company of others. I go out a fair amount and socialize. If I spend too much time alone I get depressed (on top of my existing depression!), and I also spend a fair amount of time alone as I work at home 3 days a week.

 

I'm writing from the lovely city of San Francisco and I'm meeting my friend for dinner tonight. Didn't sleep well due to jet lag, and still sick but all is well. I am just happy to be in a different locale.

 

I even watched "He's Just Not That Into You" on the plane. When the movie first came out, I decided I would not see it as the book kind of bummed me out. But the movie was funny and it showed that both sexes can be "not into" each other, which was refreshing - as opposed to the book.