I'm feeling peachy

[cuddlebug]

Hi all,

 

Not too many people write in and remark at how well they're feeling, so I thought I would share a somewhat positive experience.

 

I'm a 30-F, about a month ago my exbf (on and off for 3.5 years, mostly off for the past year but stringing me along, and ooooh boy did I LOVE him) told me that he'd never want to date me again. I found out he is "in love with" someone new. This had been the case for the past year and he never told me... I was infuriated and sad by the lies/ommissions. We had a fight (over email - I sent lots of vitriol), followed by apologies on both sides, and mostly NC since then.

 

He sent me a text msg on my birthday, I responded a simple "Thanks, that made my day" + smileyface, etc., a week later, and that was the last contact.

 

I feel generally peachy. Sure, I wake up some days and think, "My life is a nightmare," and I look in the mirror and see an aged person who could stand to go to the gym a little more. (I've done a lot of emotional snacking these past few months, and those first few weeks of crying and insomnia took their toll.) But those first few weeks were the worst, and since then I've felt a-ok punctuated by good/optimistic. I've been meeting lots of new people and doing fun activities and getting things done and making fun plans, and overall I am looking toward the future. Not much pain at all. No longing. Little pangs of anger/pain/sadness/what-if, but not too much.

 

I think these things helped:

 

- NC, NC, NC, though I have permitted myself to send a cordial, short, and really genuinely nice reply if he gets in touch with me, because I like to leave the door entirely open and the ball entirely in his court. I feel better that way - less for me to think about. Easier for me to walk away. Not a single regret that I might have done something wrong.

 

- Getting rid of all memories in my environment. This means archiving old emails, moving furniture, putting sentimental clothing into storage, blocking him and his friends on Facebook so I'm not tempted to look, archiving photos so they're off my desktop, etc. He got me a big stuffed animal and I threw it in the river (but before doing so, I took a picture of it and put it into my photo storage archives). Now, I look around my apt and truly do not think of him. This is expensive (replacing some clothes, etc.) but how much is it worth to be emotionally ok and safe? To me it's almost priceless.

 

- Making an inspiration list of things I am excited about for the future. It was tough at first to think of anything, but has gotten easier. Now the list is maybe even too long to be practical

 

- JOURNALING. One thing that was really striking to me in this breakup, and past breakups, is just how volatile emotions can be. One minute, I am sure, sure, sure, sure, sure my ex still loves me and we will be together. It feels as true as the sky is blue. (This is what I call the "denial" emotion.) The next hour, I have the same exact degree of certainty that he's a douchebag and never liked me. What a jarring experience, to be SURE of one thing then SURE of another! Another hour, I might be sad. Another hour, relieved almost in a manic way. Etc. Rather than acting on all these emotions, I expect that it's going to be a rollercoaster for a while, and simply write them down (I have an online journal on Google Docs.) Everything gets written. Every thought. Journals can include unsent letters too - to everyone under the sun. To the ex or his new gf or his last gf or my last bf or my mom. I wrote a lot those first few weeks... but after a few more weeks, the emotions are less volatile. It's interesting to look back and see that.

 

- Going to parties with friends, force myself to interact with the world. I don't think time heals all wounds... time has to be combined with new experiences/sights/sounds/conversations/etc. I'm pretty sure a year of wallowing at home, even though it is a lot of time, would put less distance between me and my pain than a month of filling my consciousness with new experiences. So I try. Sometimes. One new conversation at a time.

 

- Picturing myself as somebody else and thinking, "What would I advise to that person?" For example - picturing that I'm someone whose house burned down. I try to envision every aspect of that situation and how I would act, and how I would recover. Picturing that I'm someone who was working on a business with a business partner for 5 years and got betrayed/stolen-from/etc. I picture every aspect of that too, from the feelings to the practical steps I would take (like cleaning out my office). It's easy to picture the actions those people could take, and perspectives they could take, that would be most beneficial. I use these mental tricks to try to look at myself, also, from the eyes of an objective 3rd party.

 

- I admit to my friends, if the topic comes up, that I've been in some pain from the situation and it's not easy for me. But besides that, I generally change the topic and do not talk about my ex.

 

Anyway, these are some things that have worked for me! Maybe they will help for someone here.

 

-CB

[Nicole2009]

I think your absolutely right!

I threw lots of things away, he was upset when he found out but whatever it takes to heal.

Force yourself to go out.

You hit it right on he money.

[emmyems]

Great points...I've learned a lot of these little tricks myself over the past couple months. Difficult as they can be to follow through with, they really do help and contributed greatly to my healing process.