NC for how long?

[Something funny]

It's been about two months since my ex dumped me, and for about one month I've been doing No Contact. I told myself earlier that I'd contact her next week, but now I'm not so sure about that anymore. I feel like maybe I should wait even more. At this point, I feel more emotionally stable than before; I know that I might never get her back and I can live with that, but I still feel lonely and I'm afraid that not enough time has passed since our breakup. I still want her back though.

 

Should I wait a few more weeks, maybe a month? Last time we spoke I basically told her not to call me, and that I'd keep in touch when I felt like a whole person again. So I don't think she'll contact me, even if she wants to. The ball is sort of in my court, but I don't know when to play it. I fear that if I wait TOO long, she'll have forgotten about me completely. But then again maybe not? Argh, I don't know what to do.

[bowski]

I wouldnt contact her at all until she contacts you. She is the one that dumped you and if she wants to talk to you bad enough she will call you. Wouldnt you rather talk to her knowing that she wanted to talk then u calling her and talking when she doesnt. Dont worry about her forgetting you because if she does after a few months of no contact than she isnt the kinda person you want to be with. I say ride it out and give it another month. If by then she still hasnt contacted then maybe you should start the calling. Give it some more time as hard as that sounds.

[Something funny]

Alright, I'll wait more. I guess there's no point in being impatient. One more month of NC, and I'll see where I stand at that time.

[DragonGirl724]

SomethingFunny,

 

hmmmm u put yourself in a tough situation...u left the ball in your court that is both good & bad. for one u have all the control, which is good but then again, by having all the control u dont know what shes thinkin b/c u left it up to u to make the next move, so whatever move u make ur making it blindly w/o knowing how or how u think your ex will take it...

 

well im thinkin, dont contact her until u are 100% or close to 100% whole again like u said. i too have been victim of a breakup for 2 months & i wrote him a letter last week sayin 'im not askin for u back, but i appologize b/c i see how needy i was in the relationship & whether or not u want me back, im back to the jen i always was..tough, confident, independent me, so now the ball is in ur court to establish a friendship/relationship.' etc etc etc. and i only wrote that letter b/c im back to the old me, as u said u are working on yourself. so do NOT contact her until u are 100% sure u can handle a reaction either way it may go. and thats about all i can say.

 

and im one of those people with that go-get-em kinda attitude. so wen i feel sumthing & feel like i can handle it & the effect of it isnt gonna kill me, i just do it. so i did with that letter & regardless of the outcome is gonna be, i feel better i got sum things of my chest. and if u feel like u need that, go for it. dude what do u have to lose ya know??

 

i hate playing games, and the NC rule i think is a great method to move on w/ your life w/o the person u love so much. meanwhile some people use it as a mind game w/ their ex. i think it should be used as more of a personal test than as a method to get them back. in the time of NC you will gain confidence & independance w/o this person in your life. and once u gain that back, take time & reflect on what your relationship was like and if u want to give it another try make an attempt to let the person know ur back to the way u always were & if given the chance youll prove it to them, and now youre more confident, you got your life in perspective, and now the ball is in their court, and strange as it is, youre happy...b/c you have re-established yourself & love yourself again, and realized you dont need a mate to survive. and theyll pick up on that confidence & either A: take it the wrong way and think youre using reverse psycology on them or B: get turned on by how youre back to the person they fell in love with. and either way youre cool about it b/c you got your mind back & slowly but surely moving on with your life, with or without them.

 

if youd like to make contact w/ your ex i figured a letter is the best way to go for many reasons.

 

1.) my ex felt i smothered & pressured him *i dont know what ur ex felt* but i figured a nice handwritten letter (not email) is both personal & non-threatening. the last thing your ex needs is excess pressure b/c theyll feel clostrophobic & would rather jump off a bridge than die of suffacation due to an ex-bf/gf. lol

 

2.) it gives them time to read it, and re-read it & re-read it as many times as it take to seep in and allows them reflect without the pressure of seeing you face to face & giving you an immediate response. when dealing with someone 1 on 1 it can be both confrontational & uneasy. sure u get immediate reactions but sometimes acting on impulse is the wrong way to go, especially when youre dealing with the heart of someone who loves you.

 

3.) they have good & bad days. if you contact your ex while he/she is having a bad day. for all you know they could be having the worst of all days! rough afternoon at work, failed a Final Exam, got a speeding ticket, dog died, what have you...and if you call them or see them while they are in a mean mindset it will be the LAST THING they want to deal with!! a letter they can read on their own time, and theyd probably read it in a relaxed state of mind, maybe before taking a nap, maybe on their commute home from work, or whatever. and it gives them time to think over how to respond, and allows them the time & space to get back to you when they are ready to and sure of how they feel.

 

4.) its tangible. its a physical description of your emotions. its handwritten and that shows you took the time out to go the more traditional route & personalize it. and i think everyone is a little excited when they get snail-mail. i know i am. usually its just bills, junkmail, coupons, crap you dont want. but to get a handwritten letter is special. and they will keep this letter for a long time. even if its stuffed in a drawer in their closet in the basement of their summerhome 3 states away, theyll still save it.

 

now given my ex hasnt responded directly to my letter, and everyday im hoping in the back of my mind..'i hope today is the day', and usually it isnt...or at least thats been the trend this week. lol i am reassured to know i learned & grew & realized a lot though this breakup and i made every attempt to let this person know im non-threatning & back to the fun loving person i always was, and if he/she doesnt want you any longer just take this thought with you...

 

"I am forever, but i'll be never, if thats what you wanted." you cant make someone fall in love with you, all u can do is be yourself & if thats not what they want, then its their loss....and you have the BELIEVE that!

 

b/c if they dont contact you its either for many reasons they are confused, scared, indifferent, suaded by outside sources, and the list goes on...so just be patient & move on with your life whether that means goin out on dates, hangin w/ friends, pickin up a new hobby etc...

 

and just a lil piece of advice to not sound like youre pressuring them in this lovely piece of literature...i spend a page just talkin bout funny/interesting/new things goin on in my life. it shows im doing other things than just sitting round waiting for him. and i was very upbeat & positive in the letter. i never once said "i miss you or i love you". the letter itself should say that in more ways than 1. oh, and i never menioned "i want you back" it sounds needy & they dont want that. at least i know my ex doesnt...i told my ex to at least let me know that he got the letter, jus so i know the postal service is still doing its job. lol he never did tell me he got it but i know he did b/c i hand delivered it & put it in his mailbox....but if u are gonna be worrying, well maybe he never got it maybe he /she doesnt kniw how i feel...jus drop a hint saying youd like to make sure they got it & thats all, but dont expect a response.

 

 

well goodluck with everthing, i hope my rambling helped somehow. ill keep u posted if my ex ever responds but until then im going to learn an instrument (the violin) and concentrate on my artwork & school. confidence & an independent lifestyle is a major turn on to both your mate & yourself. keep your head up & follow your heart.

 

-DG724

[Something funny]

Thanks, that's some good advice. I don't think I'll send a letter though, I sent a pretty good and complete letter two weeks after the breakup, so sending another one would feel a little awkward. I think I'll just keep rebuilding myself for another month or so, working, partying, excercising, travelling and such. There's no reason to hurry.

[sweetione]

I feel like I don't know which way to go myself. Somedays I wake up confident and sure that we will be back together but then other days I just wake up crying not knowing how i will get through another day. But reading everyone's posts helps to know that i am not alone and sometimes it is easier to see the right way for others if not for myself.

 

Something funny, I think that if you contacted your ex in a non-threatening way it would be ok, since it has been 2 months already. Maybe by a cute/funny card. Then the ball would be back in their court but you haven't pressured them in anyway. But if you still don't feel ready , then give it alittle more time.

[Something funny]

I think you're also right. However, a cute/funny card - wouldn't that come off as a little pushy? I really don't know, I've never sent a card in my entire life! Maybe it's not such a bad idea. She's moved to a new apartment recently, maybe I should send something congratulating her to her new place. Hmm.

 

Still, there's something I like about having the ball in my court, it keeps me from constantly checking my phone and mail in hopes of her contacting me. But having to make the next move is also problematic.

 

Anyway, I'll wait at least a couple more weeks.

[GeeCee]

Something Funny

 

Just my thoughts, but I do find from my own personal experience, that avoiding contact for too long can make it that much harder to resume contact.

 

Think about the card congratulating her on her new home. That might be a nice touch.

 

A lot can happen in a couple of months, both sides can move on without realising that the other is 'building up to contact'.

 

Just a cautionary note.

 

G xx

[Something funny]

GeeCee, that's a very interesting comment. The general concensus on this board seems to be "the more NC the better". It's not everyday you see comments pointing out that waiting for too long might be harmful to the cause.

 

So, maybe I should send that card sometime soon.

[GeeCee]

SomethingFunny

 

From my own personal experience, I know that two months ago, my ex and I had very regular and flirty contact three or four times a week. Then we got together, and I must admit that I was not the essense of decorum, it got hot and heavy!! However, I then started no contact. Now, he was the first to initiate the contact after our date, but I was very aloof and withdrawn. Am wondering what kind of message that sent to him. Because contact ceased from that point on for both of us.

 

I am now initiating contact, and you will see from my own thread that it has been received positively. While we use the nc to build ourselves on, remember that the exes might be doing exactly THE SAME.

 

I have always never believed that any strategy, including nc, can force an ex to come back to you. They will only come back when they see the benefits to coming back. Out of sight out of mind - v - absense makes the heart grow fonder!!! It's a real dichotomy!!

 

G xx

[Something funny]

Yeah, it's a delicate balance I guess. And of course no strategy can force someone to come back, but I do believe that some are better than others, and that one can often use external advice in situations like this since one's judgment is often clouded by emotional storms.

 

At the same time, I guess that technically, the chances for us getting back together are fairly large. I was her first real love, we were together for several years, I know she still cares about me and that she's still physically attracted to me and she hasn't found anyone else yet, as far as I know. But even so, some strange gut instinct tells me that this won't work. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but something tells me we just won't get back together. Maybe it's just pessimism, maybe it's some sort of emotional safety mechanism, maybe it's true. But I'll be damned if I never tried.

[GeeCee]

Hmmmm ... could be a safety net. You know, keeping your expectations low to avoid heartbreak.

 

G xx