He's a compulsive liar, and I can't take it anymore. help...

[butterflyx0]

I have been with this guy for about a year now. We started off as the best of friends (so I thought, I guess), and it progressed into more. But not even three months into our "relationship" I realized that he had already told me a HUGE lie. It wasn't a lie concerning US, but it was still a lie (about his family member) and I was shocked at how long he had kept it going, and how elaborately he told the lie- i.e. made up detailed situations that never happened, faked phone calls right in front of me, etc. I finally called him on it, and he promised to never do it again, but sadly the lies did not stop there. I soon realized that this man is indeed a compulsive liar.

 

In the duration of our relationship he has told me so many lies, both little, insignificant lies and huge, absurd, manipulative lies, that I have lost count. They range from him lying about work ( I've seen him get hired places, tell me he was making good money and had a great position...but then somehow get "shorted" on his paychecks, get his hours cut...and what do you know...he was fired from every single one of them- yes... fired FIVE TIMES in one year) to him lying about things that happened to him (he apparently got stabbed one night while we were on a break... but I have yet to see a scar on his body). The worst was that I had broken up with him at one point, and his way of getting me back was calling me up hysterically because supposedly, his grandma had passed away and he was so depressed over his life that he wanted to kill himself. I rushed to be with him. I knew he was liar, but I never thought he would be so sick to lie about THAT. Deep down I had a feeling he was lying, but she lived accross the country so I couldn't know for sure.

 

Sure enough, after about four months, the truth came out that this family member was still alive. Another time, he made up this elaborate lie that one of my co-workers gf's called him up questioning if me and her bf were sleeping together, if he knew anything or had suspicions, etc. I spoke to this girl myself, and she assured me that she had NEVER done or suspected such a thing. I was shocked. He had accused ME of cheating on him, using FALSE evidence that he had concocted in his own head as his ammunition...just to see if he could catch ME doing something wrong.

 

All of this, added to the fact that he has a serious addiction to marijuana and has told THOUSANDS of lies concerning that subject- his usage, the money he has spent on it...in fact, my breaking point came this weekend because he lied to me once again about him buying drugs... I literally had to FORCE it out of him, but before I got him to admit it he sat there and called ME crazy and acted like I was a terrible girlfriend for not believing him. It was absolutely disgusting to go through that with him and actually start to believe that maybe I was overreacting, only to be proven that my gut was right.

 

I can't take it anymore. I want out, but I'm having so much trouble distancing myself from him. It's really hard because when he doesn't lie, he is unbelievably sweet and loving and caring. But how could he love me yet lie to me, and sometimes lie to me in a way to manipulate me, control me, and get his way out of me? And what kind of person is so deranged that the make up situations- very DETAILED, ELABORATE situations- that never even happened!? I don't even know how to go about ending this, bc every time I try he is persistent and won't let it go, threatens suicide, calls his mom and worries her to the point that she calls me, etc. This man is 25 years old, and yet I feel like I am just dealing with a child. A pathological and compulsive liar of a child. I want to help him...but I've tried so much at this point that I think he seriously just needs professional help.

 

Someone please give me some advice...I'd appreciate anything at this point.

[gsxr104]

As sweet as he is, he has definate issues. You could spend the next several years fighting this and get nothing, but more of it or you could cut him loose and start the life you know you deserve. When I read about how he was actually simulating calls in front of you, I couldn't help b ut think about what was going through his mind at the time. That really scares me for you. I can sit here all night and elaborate about all the diifferent reasons that would be cause for alarm.

You are unfortunately dealing wih someone who needs more than couseling, I'm affraid.

And I am certain that he would say that he'll just stop, or go to counseling or anything else you ask him to do, if you break things off with him. If I were you I would have someone else there with you if you do break thing off(and I strongly recommend that you do) and I wouldn't aloow him to talk to you alone, or at least have someone close by.

[nycgal]

This is not a reply that offers advice - but just to show you there are really people who cannot stop lying.

 

My husband is a chronic liar. Not as bad as your bf, I guess mostly situational - when he feels that admitting something will lead to a confrontation, OR make him look really bad.

 

I told him over and over again - that the lies were more damaging than the actual actions. That by not telling me th truth it made me wonder just how much he had actually done. I told him I did not believe he had done anything really damaging - but if we were to have a good relationship it could not be done without honesty. I tried to be understanding, not judgmental. I told him that whatever he had done could be put behind us, but for a fresh start we had to be honest.

But it didnt stop.

 

 

He still denies anything that I ask him about.

His stories have changed so many times that he would actually forget what he had said.

And he would always call me paranoid, and insist on proof.

 

Well I did get proof - since I thought this would be the only way to have a conversation. Not black-and-white proof. But enough to show he had hidden things.

Some things - for example - having lunch with his ex-gf and lying to me that he had no contact with her anymore.

Oh my God - this story changed at least 5 times - first total denial, then I showed him his email setting up lunch with name of restaurant and date and time, then he said he lost his way, then when I said I wasn't buying that he admitted to a short lunch becasue he arrived very late, then he said he paid, later she paid, after that they went dutch, latest story is back to she paid and he left the tip.

And all the time I was thinking - what a dumb thing to lie about.

Or, maybe there is much mroe than lunch that happened?

 

The same thing happened about him contacting some women on craiglist when we had a fight. Again story changed several times.

Now I have told him I have proof - and he is mad as hell. Says he cannot be with anyone who does not trust him.

 

 

So this time I told that I was too uncomfortable with his denials and story changes, that I didn't want to force him to tell me anything he didn't want to, but that I simply could not invest any more effort into the relationship until he was able to open up with me. I told him to take time to figure out what he wanted to do, and come back when he was ready with whatever decision he had reached. But that I was not willing to be in a relationship without honesty and commitment.

I am not interested in snooping and trying to find proof to be able to have an honest conversation.

 

And hard though it is, I will find peace of mind and already am finding it.

[butterflyx0]

He still denies anything that I ask him about.

His stories have changed so many times that he would actually forget what he had said.

And he would always call me paranoid, and insist on proof.

 

 

Thats exactly what he calls me - paranoid. Like I have no reason to not trust him I always tell him that he's like the boy who cried wolf...he lies and lies and then when one day he IS telling the truth I'm not going to believe him and something bad is going to happen.

 

He forgets the details to his stories as well. He will say something one time and then certain details will change ever so slightly the next time. Nothing gets by me anymore though...I never forget what he has said before and I call him on every single discrepancy in his stories. How sad is it that I have to always be like Sherlock Holmes with him?? It's so frustrating and actually a bit draining. He obviously gets really angry when I confront him and never fails to give me a guilt trip about not trusting him/loving him enough to believe in him and let "the past" go.

 

But HOW can I when he still lies in the PRESENT!!

[waveseer]

Who is this man? Do you love him? How could you love him, he isn't real? Are you in love with who you'd like him to be? Let go of the fantasy man and you will be able to let go of him.

[butterflyx0]

Who is this man? Do you love him? How could you love him, he isn't real? Are you in love with who you'd like him to be? Let go of the fantasy man and you will be able to let go of him.

 

Honestly... I don't know if I love him. Maybe I could have loved him at one point, but he has lied so many times that I think I've now completely shut myself off from it. Maybe I'm with him because I'm just so used to him being there and it would be strange without him. But I think mostly it's guilt. He has planned his whole life around me, and I feel guilty just leaving him, especially since I don't know what he will do after I'm gone. I know that he would like to spend the rest of his life with me... but he doesn't understand that his lying makes it so hard for me to plan out a future with him. All the lying aside, we have some pretty good times together. Unfortunately, no matter what it is ALWAYS in the back of my head that whatever he tells me isn't really true. So maybe you are right...maybe I'm holding on hoping that one day he will just change...but clearly it IS just a fantasy.

[waveseer]

I do not believe it is your responsibility to make yourself unhappy staying with someone for fear of their future without you. That is classic codependent thinking and while you are looking out for his future, who is looking out for yours?

[Jd1983]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this right now, but clearly he is not the right guy for you. He has told you so many lies throughout the relationship, how can you really trust him? A relationship is based on trust, and I can see that you have none with him. You have every right to question him, as he is constantly changing his stories. Stop feeling sorry for him, and worrying about what "may" happen to him when you break things off - that's not love, it's pity. You should start focusing on your own happiness. Why would you want such a stressful relationship to begin with? Having to play detective each and every time, things can get old real fast. He definitely needs professional help. I seriously think it's best for you to break things off, you will never truly be happy until you do so. It's hard, but it's for the best.