Dating a recovering alcoholic..any advice?

[Scoe141]

So Im back on the dating scene after a brief furlough. I ran into an old friend and we began dating. She (Jane) told me she is a recovering alcoholic. Jane' been sober for several months now. She told me because she wanted me to know about her and what she has been dealing with. Jane also told me that she is medicating a bi-poloar condition. She said she wasnt sure if it had any relation to the drinking + infrequent substance abuse. Jane told me she went into rehab a months ago and is trying her best to overcome all of this. I can certainly see it and I think its evident that she is doing well.

 

I certainly appreciated her honesty, and told her the past didnt matter. It was mentioned that maybe in the future, I could attend one of her AA classes, so that I would know what to expect and be more supportive for her. Jane told me that in the future there is (slight) possibility she might fall off the wagon (again) which she only did once before starting her sobriety a year ago.

 

My question is- what should I do? I mean shes a great girl, smart, I have a great time with her, we laugh- have a lot of the same interests. Shes been nothing but kind, supportive, compassionate to me. Lately, shes kind of got into a slight depression shes been working out of.

 

We've been dating for about two months and Im just wondering if this is all too much to be dealing with someone, or is it something that can be managed. I never dated a recovering alcoholic, diagnosed bi-polar etc.

 

Any advice? Is this too much baggage? Please help! Thanks!!

[fixyou_]

It is a lot to deal with, and she will always have urges...so it's up to you. This is a big life choice to commit to. Just be careful.

[catfeeder]

If you attend an AA meeting or research their suggested practices, they recommend that people in recovery not attempt to form romantic relationships within their first year of full sobriety.

 

I'm also confused by her timelines; she's been sober for several months, but she was in rehab just a month before dating you?

 

It might be too soon. That doesn't mean you need to drop the whole idea, but maybe target a date in the future to touch base and see how she's doing?

 

If she relapses while on bipolar meds, that's really dangerous. Are you prepared for this?

 

In your corner.

[Ms Darcy]

I would agree that this might be too soon. She was in recovery a few months ago and is dealing with depression. And not to mention the bi-polar condition. I wouldn't really pursue this further.

[nycgal]

This doesnt really answer your question - but there are quite a few medications that prevent relapse - Campral was recommended to my SO - who is borderline alcoholic - he drinks only at night to sleep. Vivitrol is injected once a month and is supposed to be very effective.

If you decide to stay and help her fight it this could be of help to you.

[Scoe141]

All great points...

 

Lately I've seen some highs and lows. It's like rolling the dice, ya know? I want to tell myself, "things will be OK" and that she and I will have a normal relationship. (if there is such a thing, ;-) ) But you guys are right... this is a lot to deal with.

 

Did I mention she just got out of a relationship? Yea- I know what ya'll are going to say...

 

I just try and give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

[catfeeder]

[...]

I just try and give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

 

There is something called a 'reasonable risk' and then there are risks equivalent to walking into a propeller blade.

 

Are you feeling the breeze yet?

 

(In your corner.)

[Scoe141]

Yea- somehow propeller blades don't appeal to me, especially at talking distance.

 

I guess I look at it this way. Why shouldn't she get a fair shot at a relationship? I mean shouldn't everyone?

 

 

Maybe I just have a kind heart, or He is giving me signs, that this isn't the path for me.

[Ms Darcy]

Yea- somehow propeller blades don't appeal to me, especially at talking distance.

 

I guess I look at it this way. Why shouldn't she get a fair shot at a relationship? I mean shouldn't everyone?

 

 

Maybe I just have a kind heart, or He is giving me signs, that this isn't the path for me.

 

If that's the case, shouldn't you date everyone? If there is no weeding out there is no narrowing down to determine what type of person is actually right for you.

 

There is nothing wrong with knowing who you are, what you want, and who you want.

[Scoe141]

I guess Im at the age, where it's time to start looking to settle down. I've dated a myriad of girls, so I know what I want and what I dont want.

 

She has A LOT of what I want... its just that, what the stuff I mentioned above, Im trying to determine if it's something I DONT WANT.

[catfeeder]

I can really appreciate your curiosity given that I was always someone who needed to walk through every door marked 'no,' myself. I'd just caution that while you might believe you're doing so with eyes wide open, some of the comments you've made point to a potential need to check your clarity.

 

We don't 'help' lovers through an addiction. Period. It might be useful to attend some AlaNON meetings to learn why this is true. But even if you weren't dealing with addiction in addition to bipolar disorder in someone who's rebounding from a recent relationship, it's not productive or smart to view someone else through your 'vocation'.

 

If your call is to be a social worker, then get the training and disabuse yourself of the idea that personal involvement is necessary or beneficial to those you aid. People aren't projects, and if you've got some savior notions, you are not only potentially harming yourself with those--you're targeting someone who's vulnerable and can be harmed.

 

Fixing someone else is not what lovers are for.

 

Sure, everyone deserves opportunities for healthy and loving relationships, but if you elect to 'heal' someone else through your relationship with them, that's not healthy or necessarily even loving. It's something else.

 

Research more. Understand ways in which you can rationalize and justify your desires into playing a role in a weaker person's life to their detriment--or your own.

 

In your corner.