Need someone with patience, experience

[thrash]

To start things off this is going to be undoubtedly a long post, so bear with me.

 

Alright so my GF and I have been together for nearly a year now. Things were working out great until July, where I went to a 6 week college program in state, but 3 hours away. It was then that she tried to break up with me 1week after leaving because supposedly her parents her bugging her about me saying how she should move on and find someone else. I eventually convinced her through tears and heartbreak that what she was doing made no sense, and that we should still be together.

 

Fast forward to 4 weeks ago. We are going on a road trip and I find cuts on her arms. She has had a past history with cutting, so I asked her about it. She put me through the general list of excuses about her cat or something like that, but I finally got her to tell me the truth. The reason I was so aggressive about asking is that I have had a rather nasty experience with death before, and I couldn't bear to lose her too to something so stupid. We talked and she promised that she would stop and find other ways to express her emotions.

 

2 weeks ago. I find a ridiculous amount of cuts on her arms, and it seems that she has no intention of stopping. I try my damnedest to let her know it's ok to talk to me about things and to convince her things will be alright. As I said before, I lost a close friend at a young age and just thinking about her even thinking about wanting to hurt herself just tore me to ribbons on the inside.

 

Also, I spent 4 hours on the phone with her a few weekends back which was nothing more than me tying to convince her not to cut herself, because she was so torn up about some family issue that if I hadn't have called her, she would probably be in a hospital. I eventually convinced her to throw the glass shard accross the room so she'd stop staring at it.

 

Past week, I go back to college, and begin hearing rumors via facebook about her cheating on me. Once again through much turmoil I get her to admit that she did cheat on me in July, with her ex might I add, and she went all the way After some deliberation, because I heard whispers about it from her brother ever since July, I had time to think about it. I 'forgave' her, but as they say, forgiving and forgetting are two completely different things.

 

Now, with all that back story, comes my problem. All our conversations seem to either lead to that week when she cheated on me or her cutting herself. This obviously ends the conversation on a somber note, and it just isn't the way it used to be. I usually go to bed about ready to cry, but I don't let her know that. She has too much on her plate as of now.

 

Also, all this talk of cutting has taken it's toll on me. After reading a bunch of articles on it so that I can try to help her quit, I myself have found myself staring at my wrists. I don't do anything, but I guess it's my curiosity about what the attraction is to hurting yourself that has me almost thinking about doing it. And it sucks! How can I help her if I for some God-awful reason start? I don't even have a reason to cut myself, I just want to know the feeling so I can understand what she means. I told her about these feelings and I fear I may have jeopardized her recovery. By that I mean I'm 99% sure she's not going to tell me everything she does out of fear for me.

 

What am I to do? I'm going to our school's homecoming and I know her ex is going to be there. Gahhhh I'm so conflicted on the inside. If anyone can help it would be greatly appreciated. I'm willing to share more if it's necessary. Just help me

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Dump her now! She is toxic for you. Do not try to understand where she is coming from..find someone who is emotionally healthy who does not cut and does not cheat. Break free from this toxic relationship.

[Ac143]

Yes dump her now! You cannot help her, only a professional could. Please get away from this girl, she has problems she has to deal with before even thinking of getting into a relationship. She is bringing you down with her. The cheating alone should make you walk if not anything else. I know its hard, but this is a toxic relationship that you have to get out of!

[thrash]

Dump her now! She is toxic for you. Do not try to understand where she is coming from..find someone who is emotionally healthy who does not cut and does not cheat. Break free from this toxic relationship.

 

There in lies the problem. I love her too much to break up with her, and if I did, do you really think she wouldn't go back to SI again? I wouldn't want to see even my most hated enemies do this to themselves.

[Ac143]

There in lies the problem. I love her too much to break up with her, and if I did, do you really think she wouldn't go back to SI again? I wouldn't want to see even my most hated enemies do this to themselves.

 

Have you told her parents that she cuts or tried to get her to get professional help? You alone cannot and will not help her.

[thrash]

She told her dad, and the school counselor. I didn't want to tell them because I realized that she didn't want them to find out until she was ready emotionally to tell them. But I made sure to have their number on speed dial in case something happened.

 

Oh, and I should mention that this is my first relationship, so if I ask obvious questions, that's why.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There in lies the problem. I love her too much to break up with her, and if I did, do you really think she wouldn't go back to SI again? I wouldn't want to see even my most hated enemies do this to themselves.

 

You may love her but she is not respecting herself nor is she respecting you. You can't save her from herself. She doesn't want to help herself and in the end she is bringing you down so far that now you yourself are considering cutting. She is damaging you. If you don't want to destroy yourself then you need to get away from her. Sometimes in life, no matter how much you love someone, you need to walk away if they are too damaged, won't do anything about it and are starting to have a very negative impact on you.

[amipushy]

I hate to say it but the cutting sounds like manipulation to me.

[thrash]

I hate to say it but the cutting sounds like manipulation to me.

 

Define manipulation. and she's been free from cutting for 2 weeks now.

[Jon_Gersham]

You should break up with her just for the cheating alone. It's not worth it to work for someone who will cheat on you. She's going to cut herself regardless of what you do apparently anyways. Most of the time, unless she hides them really well, people cut themselves for a little bit of attention that they think will make them feel better. My roommate has a history of it, and i've dated two girls (who by the way cheated on me) and it really didn't matter what I did.

 

But, if you do want to try to help her and won't break up with her, something simple to do: No matter what, try to have a good conversation next time you talk. Get a list of jokes she might like and tell her every one. Tell her only about the good things that happened to you that day. Let her know how much you care about her without bringing up her cutting herself, and tell her how awesome you feel that she is yours.

 

It sound like a long distance relationship, and none of those have ever worked for me, ever. Or anyone else. Ever.

 

On a happy note, you sound like you're still in high school. We are still young man, plenty of fish out there.

[loulee]

Oh, and I should mention that this is my first relationship, so if I ask obvious questions, that's why.

You say this is your first relationship and that you love this girl too much to leave her. I actually question whether you really love her OR YOU SIMPLY think you do. Often when we are younger and we have our FIRST serious relationship we can be swept off our feet literally with lots of new emotions.In unhealthy relationships such as this one.. Common sense, respect, dignity, sounds decisions.... REAL WANTS AND NEEDS can often go out the window, or we can allow ourselves to lose self esteem, and to be compensated with far less then our real wants and needs, our expectations etc.

What I am saying is that if BEFORE you entered this relationship someone said to you I know this lovely girl she is highly emotionally troubled, she regularly cuts herself with glass to express her self, she is often quite depressed and she cheats WOULD YOU SAY TO YOURSELF> WOW thats the girl for me?!!??....I dont think so. Now that YOU have overly invested of all of your FIRST relationship emotions and feelings you have unwittingly allowed yourself to be compensated for healthy communication and a fun happy relationship, WITH a very unhealthy relationship that has serious issues such as cutting and infidelity.. You are over empathising with this girl and you fear losing her over and beyond having a future with her. She is not meeting your needs..and clearly she wont any time soon. IS she in weekly counselling for her cutting,?? her low self esteem.?/.her family history?? whatever that may be..her relationship history??? what is she doing herself to get well?? It sounds like now that she is out of the closet with her cutting that she actually EXPECTS you to be her mentor..her voice of concern..she will use her cutting to emotionally manipulate you both innocently and deliberately.. afterall she is not taking accountability for it..or seeking help for it. Most cutters often go to enormous lengths to HIDE their scars or cuts they do not bata on the phone for several hours and need to be "talked" out of cutting by their boyfriend. they are deeply ashamed and/or they are seeking extreme attention. I am not undermining her problems..she must have many of them remember her cutting is a SYMPTOM of many other problems. You have showed your support with her problems a natural thing to do of course HOWEVER YOU CANNOT fix them..you will just be her emotional prop to make HER feel better. THis is highly destructive. IF YOU remain in this relationship you are likely to continue to over invest yourself emotionally with a highly unstable girl. You would be best to remove yourself from HER destructive cycle. If she truly values your relationship, although her infidelity does not suggest this... then SHE will stop at nothing to get well IF you basically let her know that this problem is too big for you, that SHE needs to take all steps to get well BEFORE either of you can contemplate having a future relationship. I see nothing but troubled waters ahead personally. Maybe you need to step away from all of this and have a break and see what unfolds. See if she phones you telling you she will cut herself.see if she turns to someone else to prop her up...This will determine what you are likely to represent in her life more so than what you CURRENTLY are..Why dont you find yourself a balanced girl without all this drama...dont play Mr fix it and over empathise with all of this.. It is up to her to seek healthy avenues to get well. if you have encouraged her to do this then I expect she would be very active in changing IS SHE?? Step away from all of this. she does not value you as a boyfriend ..she even bragged about her cheating it was on facebook afterall was it not?? very nice!!.....Ask yourself what do I really need in a relationship? What would I like in my future? Does this girl support me and make me feel good about myself? my achievements? Does she ask me how I am feeling? Do I dread phoning her sometimes as she drains all of my emotional strengths??? are my needs being met in this relationship? does this girl value and respect me? IS THIS relationship hard work??? SHOULD IT BE THIS HARD??? Will we have a happy and balanced future anytime soon? WHat is best for ME? ALL of your answers are on the tip of your nose...reach out and grab them. and good luck to you.

[thrash]

She is doing just about everything she can to help herself, and I found out on facebook via other people, not her.

[Ac143]

Thrash - I dont want to sound mean, but you are getting advice from people that Im sure had their shares of experience in the dating world & you are not listening.

 

Did you see or hear your GF tell her dad or counselor about her cutting? Are you sure she told them? If she did...Im almost 100% she would be in therapy. Why isn't she? What steps is she taking to get help? Seriously

[thrash]

I'm listening, whether I enjoy it or not. I'm sure that she did because her dad talked to me briefly about it, and her school counselor gave her steps to follow and report back on

[loulee]

She is doing just about everything she can to help herself, and I found out on facebook via other people, not her.

generally when you cheat it is discreet without anyone knowing clearly this wasnt the case. You are almost defensive about this cheating!? For her infidelity to EVEN BE on facebook would indicate1. THAT SHE BRAGGED ABOUT IT and or 2. That she showed no respect for you and cheated among other people,and quite publicly at that and without care and then the people that witnessed her cheating in turn posted it online for YOU to find about.. Tha was nice wasnt it?? You are by far in the self denial stages of the magnitude of this problem...

I'm sure that she did because her dad talked to me briefly about it

You also dont sound very up to speed on her progress her appointments what is happening how many times she has seen the therapist etc etc etc You spoke to her father briefly? A school counsellour is rarely a qualified psychologist in any shape or form....and your girlfriend definitely needs a professional in behavour, to address and help her with these problems.. the school counsellour however is a good start.!!...thats a positive thing....I wish her the best in seeking answers and solutions to a very obvious deep rooted problem,it is likely to be be months before she readily shows any constant improvement in her very low esteem etc. and is often, or can be years. progress can be very slow with these sorts of problem, not always,,s each case is different. have you both talked about a future together? What you both want together in your years ahead..your goals etc

[thrash]

Look, the way I found out was this: they didnt use protection she asked a close friend for advice, word got around, and I found out through a PM. Also I think he was talking about it as well, the other guy is a low life child basically. I am not defending it, merely showing you guys my views and what I believe.