phone sex - I thought he quit

[does_he_cheat]

I recently started seeing a guy who has a phone sex problem, I know he has seen a dominatrix, I know this because I am a former dominatrix.

 

I quit that "lifestyle" and remained friends with a former client. Feeling developed and he seems to have changed, circumstances in his life changed and I could see he was a happier person and I naively assumed he had quit this compulsive behavior.

 

I recently found out he calls phone sex allot, every day, over a thousand dollars a month. I found out because I snooped, and now my feeling are very mixed, including shame that I snooped and shame for my own involvement in the "industry". I also fear that he associates me with this world and might never see my as a true partner.

 

I have no idea how to broach this with him, I only saw evidence (phone bill) that he has been calling phone sex up to the time we officially started dating. At that point it was a daily habit. Seems it would be difficult to quit cold turkey. I also found the website of a callgirl written in his writing in his APT, I have no idea if he ever saw her. I strongly feel that phone sex is cheating, I don't like being position. I don't live with him so how would I enforce an unltimatim?

 

I'm curious to hear from anyone who has been through this, particularly men (I would really like to hear the male perspective)

 

Thanks for listening.

[yeawutever]

End it if you don't want to put up with it no more. And if you choose to stay with him, you should put an ultimatum to it, unless you want to tolerate that behavior....

[does_he_cheat]

How would I enforce that? I feel like it's a sneaky thing, and that may be a part of the thrill. I'm afraid making it a no-no would make it even more exciting for him.

 

I know he has done this for years, is it something that someone can quit cold turkey?

[blueeyedme]

...run fast. Seriously, it sounds like a deal breaker and the phone sex is like crack to him.

[baguette]

you aren't sure he's been calling girls after you started dating. Ask him about it first.

[does_he_cheat]

Thanks for the messages everyone - I'm feeling both ways, like I should just run, and like I should give him the benefit of the doubt - the phone bill I saw only went to the exact day when we started dating (odd, right?)

 

The bill I saw reflected so much activity, as someone who worked in this industry I can say he's an addict, and I thought he changed. He was in a bad relationship before, and I got the impression that he was calling as a part of working through that, but he's been out of that relationship a year. He said he does not see dominatrixes anymore, but I am really worried about the call girl site I found, I also worry about myself, if he's still in this world he might resent me for wanting out of it, I have real fears about being exposed to family, etc. Like I said in my first post, I'm afraid he still sees me as something from that world and may treat me differently because of that. I feel like I have to tred lightly and be sensitive. I've been in his place allot and I don't want him to know I snooped.

 

I don't want to be sneaky, but I feel like the only way to know if he's lying is if I caught him in a lie. I'm afraid I'll keep snooping, I know from experience that it's something people lie about. It's an addiction and hiding it is part of the high. He's careful to keep kis computer cache clean and seems to keep the transactions on a separate account.

 

When I did see him as a client, I could tell he did that kind of thing allot. The fact that I thought he changed makes me question my own instincts. He says he can picture settling down with me, I have my own vices and the phone sex would not bother me so much if it were not for the frequency. I wouldnt mind if he scratch that itch once in awhile, but every day feels like cheating.

[MoTay]

If you believe his behavior is pathological, then IMHO the options are (a) stay and help him work through it or (b) break it off now. If you decide to stay, remember that he needs help, not condemnation.

[rosephase]

Do you play and top him in your new relationship?

 

If you want to have a lasting relationship you should be able to talk to your partner. Even about things you or he might be ashamed of. Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him? You said you thought he changed, did he ever tell you he had changed or where you assuming?

[does_he_cheat]

Do you play and top him in your new relationship?

 

If you want to have a lasting relationship you should be able to talk to your partner. Even about things you or he might be ashamed of. Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him? You said you thought he changed, did he ever tell you he had changed or where you assuming?

 

 

We do play, I'm generally dominant in my relationships but he clearly has more experience than I do. We have talked about it and try to do more "vanilla". Given the backstory of our relationship we had to do allot of talking and establish boundaries, etc. I did not ask him about the phone, but I didn't know about it then. He did say he no longer sees prodommes, he said he was doing that in the bad relationship and stopped.

 

I don't want an open relationship and as far as I know, neither does he. We talked about cuckolding and agreed it's a hot fantasy but as a reality feeling could get hurt. We are both in our 30's and trying to settle down. I'm from a conservative family and struggle to see how he could be serious about someone with my past, he said it doesn't bother him and that he wouldnt mind if I was still doing it, thats a huge red flag for me. My experience as a domme taught me that guys want to explore these fantasies with a exciting stranger, not the mother of their children. I guess people who are in the lifestyle could be different, I have never openly be a lifestyle domme. My private life is private, and when I did it for work I kept it under wraps

[does_he_cheat]

Thanks for the messages everyone - I'm feeling both ways, like I should just run, and like I should give him the benefit of the doubt - the phone bill I saw only went to the exact day when we started dating (odd, right?)

 

The bill I saw reflected so much activity, as someone who worked in this industry I can say he's an addict, and I thought he changed. He was in a bad relationship before, and I got the impression that he was calling as a part of working through that, but he's been out of that relationship a year. He said he does not see dominatrixes anymore, but I am really worried about the call girl site I found, I also worry about myself, if he's still in this world he might resent me for wanting out of it, I have real fears about being exposed to family, etc. Like I said in my first post, I'm afraid he still sees me as something from that world and may treat me differently because of that. I feel like I have to tred lightly and be sensitive. I've been in his place allot and I don't want him to know I snooped.

 

I don't want to be sneaky, but I feel like the only way to know if he's lying is if I caught him in a lie. I'm afraid I'll keep snooping, I know from experience that it's something people lie about. It's an addiction and hiding it is part of the high. He's careful to keep kis computer cache clean and seems to keep the transactions on a separate account.

 

When I did see him as a client, I could tell he did that kind of thing allot. The fact that I thought he changed makes me question my own instincts. He says he can picture settling down with me, I have my own vices and the phone sex would not bother me so much if it were not for the frequency. I wouldnt mind if he scratch that itch once in awhile, but every day feels like cheating.

[does_he_cheat]

If you believe his behavior is pathological, then IMHO the options are (a) stay and help him work through it or (b) break it off now. If you decide to stay, remember that he needs help, not condemnation.

 

How do you help someone with that? I knew he was compulsive with the behavior when I met him. but I like other aspects of his personality. That being said, there are allot of small things he does that indicate to me that he either doesn't know how to behave in a relationship, or is not serious with me. He knows about some of these, and has made efforts, I don't want him to feel like I'm always judging him, but these things are red flags. I have never met his friends, his argument is that he works too much and usually just does "guy stuff" with his friends. The level of his involvment in kink might make having relationships at all difficult. My fear with bringing it up is that I am condemning certain behavior. And I snooped, I feel bad and he's probably going to have issues trusting me after this.

[does_he_cheat]

have been reading about sex addiction and he seems to have all the symptoms, issues with his mother, intimacy, etc... I just don't know how to help him.

[arcadefire]

You know, it's probably best that you find someone who doesn't have such baggage or problems to deal with. He needs to seek help for himself, by himself, and want that desire to overcome his weaknesses. If he won't do it for you, then he probably can't do much else for you.

[does_he_cheat]

I think he wants to quit - and I don't know that he still does it, but I don't know how to broach it with it.

[nycgal]

Doeshecheat advice after a somewhat similar situation:

 

-I found that accusing him puts him on the defensive.

- If you actually catch him in a lie make sure its "the big lie" - not some small insignificant lies that do not give you proof. He will only learn to lie better about the main issue.

- Talk to him to try to understand what's going on - without being judgmental or condemning - frame it as trying to understand his needs

- but also make it clear that you have needs in a relationship. Ask him if there's anything you could do together to fulfil this need of his, or if something else thats acceptable to you could be a substitute for phone sex

-Dont be afraid to snoop, but be smart about it and dont let him ever know.

- Other than that, try not to reach any decision in your mind - becasue reading up on sex addicts, or psycopaths, or any "types" will make you think he fits that type when your in that frame of mind. Just be completely objective. I know its not easy. Btw 99% of NYC guys I dated are sociopaths, psycopaths, and sex addicts, I'm not even getting into the 80% who are weed/coke addicts as well.

- Just do this for 6 months and watch and wait. Act as if you were in a perfect relationship - do NOT raise any qs that show you dont trust him - just act as if you really love and trust him and the mistrust is all in the past. Because then he cant blame you if he turns to phone sex again. Also it might make him stop out of guilt, if he really wants to stop. Thats all you can really do.

 

After that if nothing emerges put your trust in him. If it does (more than 1-2 times) thats a decision you have to make - if you want to stay and help him out of it, but thats another story.

About the future - there are no guarantees - but if he can kick the habit for 6 months -thats a pretty good start.

 

I am in a position where I suspect my husband might be doing "something". I dont know what exactly, I dont know how much, I dont know for how long, I dont know if its current.

All I actually have - mail from several sex (hookups) sites which he says he signed on in the past when he was single, and which kept auto-renewing. And one lunch with his ex. I believe the lunch was innocent. As to the sex sites (these are not porn but dating for hookups), He swears there was no activity, not even emails, certainly not cheating. After much accusation and fighting he said he would not stay with me if I didnt believe him.

On his part he has agreed to have the site show me his billing and if possible his activity.

 

I thought about it. Of course he could have and probably does have several profiles, and also other emails and credit cards I may not know of.

But there's a point at which I decided to accept what he said (NOT necessarily trust, just accept), and just wait and watch.

In the end one thought came to me: what if I'm wrong?

[gsxr104]

Get rid of this guy and find a decent one. You won't have to look far!