kenneth1975 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I've been dating a girl for a little over 2 months now. We don't have an official title on our relationship. She has not asked me to be her boyfriend. I want to give it a chance with that kind of title on our relationship but I'm afraid to ask her as she might say no. I'm not ready for rejection yet. After 2 months I'm at a point where I want to just throw up my hands and not make any decisions about where the relationship is going. It would make my job easier to let her do with me as she wills. I have much less to worry about if she takes the ball in her court most of the time. Would women want to keeping dating a guy who didn't want to make any decisions about what direction to take the relationship & if he just put the ball in her court completely to set up boundaries & call the shots for the direction of this? In the 2 months I've dated her I see we have a lot of things in common and good chemistry. We're connected on many levels spiritually, intellectually, physical attraction is there on both sides, etc. We have the same career goals & we both want to live in the mountains. Also how long should I wait before asking her to be my girlfriend? Should I even bring it up? Is it possible to bring it up too late? So far I've taken her out to dinner, a movie, bowling, Sunday afternoon picnic, cooked for her over at my place, walked on the beach, etc. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 i think you should just ask her to be your girlfriend. Link to comment
orangesoda Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 2 months is too short to start putting titles on each other. I think you should just relax and enjoy the dating process. If it leads to something serious, great. If not, no problem. Don't be in such a hurry. I guarantee that she'll bring it up eventually. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 really, you think? for me, 2 months is long enough.... Link to comment
orangesoda Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 well in all honesty, I've found that it depends on the age of the daters, especially for women. Most of the younger girls I know, like 22, 23, they just 'date', and it can go on as long as 4-5 months before they want anything official. Whereas with older women, they're on the clock, and if you're not putting out (aka talking about 'us' and 'where is this going') by 3 months, bye bye. My ex's landlord, a once-divorced woman in her mid-30's, told me that she felt that a guy should propose within a *year* of dating. I had a friend tell me about his acquaintance, this girl who just turned 30, who'd been dating a guy for roughly two years, and one day he pulled her aside and told her he didn't think he could marry her, and that the relationship wasn't going to get anymore serious. She *freaked* out, I think in large part because she wasn't going to get married anytime soon - quit her job, moved out of her apartment, and left the US for a third world country to do volunteering. Apparently she was just going bananas. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 2 months is too short to start putting titles on each other. I think you should just relax and enjoy the dating process. If it leads to something serious, great. If not, no problem. Don't be in such a hurry. I guarantee that she'll bring it up eventually. Yeah, this is pretty spot on. Ordinarily I'd encourage a guy to take charge, but this isn't one of those times. Just take things day by day, and as orangesoda said, SHE will bring it up when it's an issue for her. Link to comment
kenneth1975 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Good. It makes my life so much easier to let the woman be in the driver's seat. She either wants me or she doesn't. There is no gray area. Link to comment
Case_1983 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Good. It makes my life so much easier to let the woman be in the driver's seat. She either wants me or she doesn't. There is no gray area. I think it is up to the man to suggest a title. I guess 'pushy' women will demand to know but someone like me will just wait for the man, wondering, does he want a relationship with me? Are we exclusive? After a while I lose interest if things are not clear... She very well may be thinking the same as you.. 'He either wants me or not, if he likes me he would have asked me by now' So just ask her! If she does not want to be in a relationship now after 2 months then she never will (excluding those so emotionally hurt from their last relationship they simply can't commit yet) The only times I have not wanted to commit were the times I was with a guy I was not sure about. As you say you like it black or white.. she either wants to be with you or not. You will get your annswer... good luck Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Good. It makes my life so much easier to let the woman be in the driver's seat. She either wants me or she doesn't. There is no gray area. I think you might find yourself facing some relationship challenges in the future if you are super passive. I don't know your love interest in particular, but a lot of women don't find that very attractive in men in the long term. Link to comment
orchidrose Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I think you might find yourself facing some relationship challenges in the future if you are super passive. I don't know your love interest in particular, but a lot of women don't find that very attractive in men in the long term. I agree. I think it makes you look weak, and look like you're not willing to do the work (at least that's what I get from "God, it makes my life so much easier"). For many women, it's not easy to bring up exclusivity, and it's not easy to move things along. I'm not saying that the man should always do it, but it's tough if you're not even close to willing to do some of the work. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 i guess i would disagree with your assessment here. was she 'going bananas' or reevaluating her priorities. it seems like her world got turned upside down when the man she thought he was going to spend the rest of her life with informed her that was not the case. i can see her wanting to get away from the situation and try to re-examine her life. bananas? no, sounds healthy to me. regarding marriage - women just don't have the luxury of dating endlessly if they are serious about getting married and having their own biological children. for some people, that is a huge priority, so i think it makes sense to want to find someone with that *same* priority. even when i was 21, 22, etc.... i preferred exclusivity sooner rather than later. i don't feel comfortable seriously dating or having sex with different men at the same time, or knowing that the man i am seeing is having sex with other women. ick. that does not make me feel special nor loved. ick. i think it's only natural that when you've gotten to know someone you like, you want to get to know them better, in the context of you two dating only each other, to see where things go. i think that the 2 month mark is an absolutely reasonable time to do this. i'm not saying he needs to PROPOSE to the woman, but just to be exclusive, at 2 months, i think is absolutely fine. Link to comment
kenneth1975 Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 I've decided not to ask her for exclusivity. I'm just going to let things flow naturally & enjoy whatever I have with her in the present. I'm leaving the ball in her court. I almost asked her today over the phone but I chickened out. Link to comment
yahoo2 Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 "Good. It makes my life so much easier to let the woman be in the driver's seat. She either wants me or she doesn't. There is no gray area." Oh, good gosh. You haven't dated much, have you? Everything is gray area with women. The only man than waffles more than women as a gender in a dating venue might be Brett Favre. Letting women lead the relationship is usually an invitation to disaster. They want you to lead; don't get the wrong idea from all the feminist and "you go girl" claptrap from the media. If women wanted to lead, they'd be asking for the dates. The fact that, as a gender, women prefer to leave the difficult problems (and most of the rejection) as the man's area of responsibility is more than proof of this point. Take the lead and risk rejection as your gender responsibility or risk being viewed as a wuss. Women don't want equality in dating; just everywhere else. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 If women wanted to lead, they'd be asking for the dates. The fact that, as a gender, women prefer to leave the difficult problems (and most of the rejection) as the man's area of responsibility is more than proof of this point. i disagree. i let men ask me out not out of fear of rejection, but times when i have asked the man out, it has never led anywhere. of course, they say yes to the date, but then show no interest in seeing me again nor even talking to me again. most of the women i know who asked a man out and had the relationship progress, that was usually when he was about to ask her out first, but she beat him to the punch. i think men are really particular when it comes to their type and physical beauty. i think if he was interested, then he would have asked her out first! Link to comment
greenrebellion Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 I've decided not to ask her for exclusivity. I'm just going to let things flow naturally & enjoy whatever I have with her in the present. I'm leaving the ball in her court. I almost asked her today over the phone but I chickened out. Probably a bad move, grow a pair. Link to comment
veneratio Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 As some other posters have said, letting the ball be in her court for the time being may work, but somewhere down the road she's going to want you to step up if this even leads to you two being exclusive. Your chances may be shot going this route, though. Link to comment
orchidrose Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Letting women lead the relationship is usually an invitation to disaster. They want you to lead; don't get the wrong idea from all the feminist and "you go girl" claptrap from the media. If women wanted to lead, they'd be asking for the dates. The fact that, as a gender, women prefer to leave the difficult problems (and most of the rejection) as the man's area of responsibility is more than proof of this point. Take the lead and risk rejection as your gender responsibility or risk being viewed as a wuss. Women don't want equality in dating; just everywhere else. Ugh, this is such horsecrap. I know you're working on stereotypes of a whole gender here, but please be aware that there are many, many women who are more than willing to shoulder equal responsibility in dating and, hopefully, eventually, a relationship. I asked my boyfriend out on the first date because he was apparently too scared to do it. While I can't say that I was excited about this prospect, I was willing to do it, because I was able to accept the rejection just like a man presumably would. I was also the one who brought up exclusivity. Of course, like any guy would, I waited until I was absolutely certain that that is what I wanted and that is what he wanted - no one goes into a situation where they know they're bound to lose. Many, many women have a difficult time being an equal in dating. But please don't rule out the whole gender in that regard. Link to comment
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