Emotional Cheating???

[Theblueman123]

My philosophy is that emotional cheating is when: You develop an emotional bond with someone in such a way that it becomes detrimental to your relationship with your Significant Other.

 

So everyone, my question is: What are your thoughts on emotional infidelity, and why do you feel that way?

[Day_Walker]

My policy is that I do not delve into the realms of emotional cheating. If there is no manifestation of some overt physical act that would constitute cheating then I am not concerned with it. I do not wish to be the thought police.

[gidget1]

My policy is that I do not delve into the realms of emotional cheating. If there is no manifestation of some overt physical act that would constitute cheating then I am not concerned with it. I do not wish to be the thought police.

 

Agree completely. I think it is a beautiful thing to be emotionally connected to another person, or people...

Cheating to me is of the physical...

[catfeeder]

Yep, I agree with the above. Cheating is the exchange of body fluids. Short of that, it's friendship. If I were given reason to believe that a lover is cheat material, then I wouldn't stick around to see how things play out--I wouldn't stay with a partner I didn't trust as loyal in the first place, so 'proof' would be irrelevant.

 

I guess maybe we could be more helpful to you if you'd explain what you mean by someone 'interfering' in your relationship?

[waveseer]

I too only deal with behavior when it comes to fidelity and in this case an emotional affair would screw up the person's priorities. I would address that.

[Theblueman123]

Edited my original post to concise my thoughts. I also changed the wording to help convery what I was trying to mean.

[catfeeder]

Edited my original post to concise my thoughts. I also changed the wording to help convery what I was trying to mean.

 

I still don't understand what you mean by "detrimental to your relationship," which could mean anything to anyone. Some people consider any friendship of the opposite sex to be a threat, and therefore, 'detrimental', but that doesn't make it so.

 

What specific behaviors, exactly, do you consider to be the difference between an emotional affair and a friendship?

[CaptainNapalm]

My philosophy is that emotional cheating is when: You develop an emotional bond with someone in such a way that it becomes detrimental to your relationship with your Significant Other.

 

So everyone, my question is: What are your thoughts on emotional infidelity, and why do you feel that way?

 

I can't say I completely agree with your definition. It is possible that you develop and emotional bond with someone where it doesn't detriment your relationship with your significant other but would still be considered cheating. Consider a woman in a relationship with a man who she thinks is too controlling, needy and suffocating. Now imagine he develops an emotional bond with a female co-worker and much of this negative behavior he now transfers to this new co-worker who he's having an emotional affair with. To the woman (being cheated on) this actually improves the relationship with her man as it eliminates some of the negative behavior but nevertheless he is still cheating without causing a detriment to the relationship.

 

Conversly, there can be many healthy bonds developed with other people which cause a tremendous detriment on the relationship but would not be considered cheating. For example, a man dates a woman who will not allow him to even communicate with other females so in a friend like emotional connection he tries to maintain with any woman this will cause a great detriment and stress on the relationship.

 

Therefore, I think a more appropriate definition of emotional cheating would be a simple one: Engaging in activity, other than physical, with someone in a way such that it goes outside the agreed boundaries you and your partner set for yourself in the relationship as acceptable. I think this definition is more universal to all as each couple has their own definitions of cheating and what's right and wrong.

[Casanova4life]

emotional cheating is the worst. worst than physical. i rather see cheating pics of my girlfriend having sex with a guy than a hidden love letter to the same guy where she declares how deeply in love she is.

 

i would end the relationship in both scenarios but the hidden letter would be more painful.

[Theblueman123]

I still don't understand what you mean by "detrimental to your relationship," which could mean anything to anyone. Some people consider any friendship of the opposite sex to be a threat, and therefore, 'detrimental', but that doesn't make it so.

 

What specific behaviors, exactly, do you consider to be the difference between an emotional affair and a friendship?

 

I'm talking about where one party begins to "replace" parts of the significant other. In other words, the needs, which are normally met by the SO, are now being fulfilled in the new relationship with the other person. The problem with making the definition universal though, is that everyone percieves it differently. Though a more basic definition may be needed.

[MoTay]

Yep, I agree with the above. Cheating is the exchange of body fluids.

 

I couldn't disagree more, at least assuming we are talking about cheating in the context of marriage.

 

In a marriage, each partner needs to be 100% emotionally, spiritually and intellectually committed to the other. If one partner has a "friendship" that has the effect of creating emotional, spiritual or intellectual distance with their spouse, then they are cheating.

 

Here's my simple test: If you do or say something in the presence of others that you wouldn't do or say if your spouse were also present, you have cheated.

[MoTay]

I still don't understand what you mean by "detrimental to your relationship," which could mean anything to anyone. Some people consider any friendship of the opposite sex to be a threat, and therefore, 'detrimental', but that doesn't make it so.

 

If your spouse thinks its detrimental, then its detrimental. There is no other standard.

[catfeeder]

[...] Here's my simple test: If you do or say something in the presence of others that you wouldn't do or say if your spouse were also present, you have cheated.

 

I would agree that this is a good definition of disloyalty, but here's why I wouldn't call it cheating. If you give the same weight to taking off with with a lover to the No-Tell Motel as you would, say, a stupid choice of text message, then what consequences would draw a clear line in front of the motel room?

 

Painting everything I don't 'like' with the same brush treats everything with the same degree of importance. Yet while I could see a marriage recovering from a flirt with a coworker, I couldn't apply the same degree of hope for salvaging a marriage where a spouse slept with the coworker.

 

One thing does not necessarily lead to the next when consequences are different.

 

That's just my rationale for not treating everything the same, and I can appreciate that not everyone needs to agree on this.

[CaptainNapalm]

If your spouse thinks its detrimental, then its detrimental. There is no other standard.

 

LOL if my spouse thinks that eating is detrimental, then it's detrimental? I think not, there are limits to standards

[catfeeder]

LOL if my spouse thinks that eating is detrimental, then it's detrimental? I think not, there are limits to standards

 

I agree. It's the equivalent of a parent telling a child not to do something "...because I said so." That might work with a 4 year old, but who wants to play parent in a marriage? (When you treat someone like a child, you can only expect rebellion.)

[MoTay]

LOL if my spouse thinks that eating is detrimental, then it's detrimental? I think not, there are limits to standards

 

You don't think having a spouse that thinks eating is detrimental to a relationship is detrimental to a relationship?

[petite]

emotional cheating is the worst. worst than physical. i rather see cheating pics of my girlfriend having sex with a guy than a hidden love letter to the same guy where she declares how deeply in love she is.

 

i would end the relationship in both scenarios but the hidden letter would be more painful.

 

Absolutely agreed.

[petite]

LOL if my spouse thinks that eating is detrimental, then it's detrimental? I think not, there are limits to standards

 

You can not compare eating to cheating.

[Beautiful Nightmare]

The definition of emotional cheating is almost impossible to put into words. I mean, how do you differentiate between friendship and an inappropriate bond with someone else? You don't know until it's staring you straight in the eyes.

 

Some people might be okay with their partner falling in love with someone else while keeping it strictly platonic, but that would tear me it apart.

 

Either way, cheating in any form is unacceptable to me.

[CaptainNapalm]

You can not compare eating to cheating.

 

Exactly! That's the point I'm trying to make. Cheating and eating are two completely different things, where as cheating is not acceptable and eating is so your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever can't set a rule for acceptable things to be detrimental to a relationship. Thanks for supporting my point

[mrmaximum]

I would agree that this is a good definition of disloyalty, but here's why I wouldn't call it cheating. If you give the same weight to taking off with with a lover to the No-Tell Motel as you would, say, a stupid choice of text message, then what consequences would draw a clear line in front of the motel room?

 

Painting everything I don't 'like' with the same brush treats everything with the same degree of importance. Yet while I could see a marriage recovering from a flirt with a coworker, I couldn't apply the same degree of hope for salvaging a marriage where a spouse slept with the coworker.

 

One thing does not necessarily lead to the next when consequences are different.

 

That's just my rationale for not treating everything the same, and I can appreciate that not everyone needs to agree on this.

 

the thing is that some instances of emotional cheating can also be done for long amounts of time. I can indeed see where most people are coming from when they say that a a poorly chosen text message isn't the same as a one night stand. However, think about finding out that your SO has been sending these text messages repeatedly for over 6 months. Telling them things that they should only be telling you. Seeking someone else's input with issues they may have with you, maybe not the same as finding them at a motel, but really something to dismiss?? A text of "Night beautiful" would have me furrowing my brow if I saw it once, but if my wife was hiding her phone, and doing other suspicious things, hanging out with "Biff" more than she should be and then I see "You are the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on" I will mos def have an issue with that.

 

There is a difference between platonic friends and deep emotional bonds and emotional relationships which undermine the LTR's with our SO's. Yes on one side of the spectrum you have the overbearing SO's who are so insecure that their partners cannot even LOOK at the opposite sex, however, on the other side you essentially have the makings of a romantic relationship without the physical aspect.....yet.

 

Think about it this way, someone on this site had put it like this a while back and I will have to bite her style I'm afraid. While physically cheating is like going through with a crime, Emotionally cheating is like having all the tools, plans, and people in place without actually taking action.....yet. Of course finding two criminals in situations like this will deliver differing sentences, but both are still serious offences aren't they?

[catfeeder]

Great post. The problem with snooping isn't a moral issue for me, it's a practical one. Snooping burdens you with information you can't use without copping to being a snoop. Then the issue of trust is blown out of the water, because I can't hold up your untrustworthy behavior without pointing straight to my own.

 

I view the smartest private ethic of trust in marriage as being built first on determining what I want, and then clarifying what costs I'm willing to pay for my marriage versus those I'm unwilling to pay. In other words, I work backwards from this foundation--not the other way around, basing where I stand on circumstances. So this could play out either one of two ways, but I can't split it down the middle, because the middle is irreconcilable.

 

First case; if I'm not willing to stay in a marriage with someone I believe is untrustworthy, then I don't need to seek tangible proof should I one day find myself unable to trust my spouse. Either I believe him to be trustworthy, or I don't--the details are irrelevant. If I can't trust him, it means he's either behaving in ways that I suspect are disloyal, or I've got a mental condition best treated on my own--but either way, there is nothing he could do or say at that point in time to reverse this or relieve it (for any length of time), and since I can't live like this, I'd need to walk, and from there move on to Phase 2 to decide whether the marriage can be saved during a separation.

 

Second case; if I'm committed to my marriage at all costs, then trust becomes a decision I've made and will not waver from. It means that I need to view my relationship at face value, and provided that I'm treated well and feel that my love is returned in ways that can satisfy me, it doesn't serve me to contaminate that by entertaining suspicions or making myself miserable. If on the other hand, I'm NOT treated well or I'm not happy for some reason of neglect or dissatisfaction, then cheating becomes irrelevant--I'm not happy with my marriage on its own terms. I don't need to locate an outside source of misery for that; the marriage is either fixable or it isn't. If so, I'd throw myself into counseling or whatever work it takes to make a good marriage. If not, then I'd need to walk, and from there move on to Phase 2 to decide whether the marriage can be saved during a separation.

 

Whole point is, cheating can either be a symptom or a result of bigger problems, but of itself, it's not the point. Making it into the point is a distraction from the bigger picture. If you've become a human lie detector, that speaks of you and your choices. Trying to focus a lens on whether or not a spouse cheats is like putting that one aspect of behavior into a microscope and losing sight of all else--your options.

 

My heart goes out to you, and my best,

Cat

[mrmaximum]

Whole point is, cheating can either be a symptom or a result of bigger problems, but of itself, it's not the point. Making it into the point is a distraction from the bigger picture. If you've become a human lie detector, that speaks of you and your choices. Trying to focus a lens on whether or not a spouse cheats is like putting that one aspect of behavior into a microscope and losing sight of all else--your options.

 

My heart goes out to you, and my best,

Cat

 

Very well worded I must say and a very good perspective on Relationships. The thing is that relationships aren't as black and white as you have stated here. Once other things get involved (ie, history, children, assets) the picture becomes much more murky and much more complex. Everything you said about what you want is spot on, I completely agree. Unfortunately we can be the best judges of character and still get screwed. I'm sure you and anyone else has heard someone say "I never would have expected so-and-so of this".

 

I'm also sure you would have seen people on this site advising others about getting PROOF about their suspected cheating. I heard this story once which made me chuckle; woman suspects her husband of cheating. He had been distant lately and coming home at odd hours for the last few months. She finally had enough and hired a P.I. With baited breath she saw this Investigator after he had finished his reconnasiance; her husband was building her a cottage outside the city for their anniversary.

 

This is why people warn not to confront until you have proof. Yes you could be right, yet without proof they go deeper underground and hide their actions, or if you are wrong, you have taken a power shovel to the foundation of your LTR, which is why I gave the example of the suspicious behavior of the gentleman. I do not need to go through my wife's blackberry as she does nothing at all to make me even dream that she is being unfaithful, her actions match her words in that respect. Then again, we all have heard of those who have come accross evidence of physical or emotional cheating out of the blue so even THEY had no idea.

 

If you have been cheated on before then forgive me, and I will apologize on this forum if I am mistaken, I have been before, but if you have never been cheated on, then the second part of your statement is simply theory. Very good idea when mentioned or considered, very, very, VERY difficult in practice. The idea of looking past the act itself to the reasons behind it is indeed beneficial and anyone looking to reconcile must in time do it, but human beings aren't largely logical, we tend to be more emotional and cheating is a VERY big distraction.

 

Telling someone not to 'distracted' by cheating is minimizing the damage that it causes or possibly misunderstanding it outright. You may want to consider this, it drives some people to kill, and most people find this topic emotionally charged, cheating isn't a distraction, it is the result of other issues to be sure, but not something to be dismissed or minimized and a seprate aspect in and of itself which does indeed need to be addressed as well as the other issues present in the relationship if reconcilliation is to be considered. A personal anecdote, I happened to see a counselor earlier about certian issues which I had and found out that my father cheating on my mother hurt me more than I figured, it was literally a monster which shadowed quite a few of my decisions since I was 8 years old.

 

Are you getting the picture now? Cheating isn't as small or as painless as you may figure it is, or as simple to forgive/forget/move past as you may assume. If you can approach it like this then God Bless you, but you also must know that if that is the case, you are the exception and not the rule. If a person finds themselves in a fist-fight, they react, they don't figure out why this person is attacking them while they are getting beaten on. I'm not saying this to be mean or nasty, nor do I wish you to find yourself ever in the midst of a cheating partner, but I would like to tell you this so that if (knocking on wood that it NEVER HAPPENS) it where to occur, you don't have some misguided notions about how you would react during the aftermath. You need to picture how calm someone would be if they found out someone close to them got into a serious accident, it is along those lines.

 

Since you shared a little of your philosphy, I hope you don't mind if I share a little of mine. Life is a gamble, no one knows the outcomes of the future no matter how small or large the endeavor. Since we live in varying levels of ignorance in this regard, we need to do our best to hedge our bets in order to attain our goals, whether this be with your health, work, or your relationship.

 

When it comes to cheating, I would indeed bet my life that my wife wouldn't based on her character and her past. That being said however, it is still my job to make being with me as attractive as possible so when she gets tested (and she will, we all do and it's only a matter of time before it happens) I have increased the odds that she will tell Sancho to shove off and come back home to me.

 

I also don't believe in saying "it will never happen to me" as it may lead to me making choices that I shouldn't (hanging around a woman who has designs on me) or treating my wife badly, assuming that she would never leave me or cheat on me. I have heard of a case where a perons did this to their spouse, ignoring their pleas of how badly they where treated. This person didn't listen because;

 

"Cheating happens to everyone else, not us."

 

Quite the wake up call when they found out otherwise. If despite my best efforts my wife acted suspiciously, I would follow up. If I found out she cheated, I would leave. However, my situation is different as I am a step father and not a father, I personally have no kids which is a world of difference for many people out there.

 

At the end of the day, all I'm saying is that it isn't as easy or as black and white as you think it is. Not saying to put up with behavior you don't agree to, but remembering what is at stake and what is really going on during physical or Emotional cheating.

[Greggie]

Let me ask all of you, do you think it's possible to feel an emotional connection to someone else (meaning romantic feelings) without it interferring with your relationship? Let's say you have feelings for someone, but would never dream of kissing/sleeping with them (not that you wouldn't enjoy it, you would just never do it because of your SO) and even under different circumstances (meaning you were single) would not wish for any kind of a relationship with this person. All you did was innocently daydream about them and enjoy their company greatly when they were around you, but at the end of the day, coming home to your SO, they were nowhere near your mind, and you were not in any way less in love with him because of these feelings. Do you think this is possible? That the feelings really could be kept completely separate from your relationship?

[does_he_cheat]

But when do those feelings stop? When you are watching TV on the sofa with your SO, does your mind wander to the other person? Does this lead you to compare the two?

 

This is exactly my issue with phone sex and my boyfriend, he is establishing a bond, he calls the same girls over and over. If he was traveling for business and called different girls sometimes, and that was it - it would be a different story, but he calls from home, the same girls and has extensions all over the house. How could it not be effecting our relationship? Putting that energy into other people warps things.