Is it wrong to debunk someone's wrong impression of others?

[Keraron]

Let's say a girl meets a guy who is very close to me (relatives, cousins, etc.) and starts saying that "He truly is cool, and on top of that he seems to be a really honest and nice guy!". She seems to fancy him.

 

However, I know very well that he is not, that he has deceived many girls and even encourages me to deceive girls (his philosophy is an ugly girlfriend and have sex with all the nice ones."), which I personally disagree with.

 

Would it be wrong to tell the girl that her impression of him is wrong?

 

Would your answer change if I like this girl? What I mean is: it may seem as if I am just telling something wrong about him so that I can win her to my side... which may be somewhat wrong? I don't know.

 

What I know for sure is that despite the fact that we're very close through blood, I and him have entirely different attitudes towards relationships (he's a player type, promiscuous, cheating, etc. while I'm monogamous)...

[Ammy]

If you like the girl, and believe he has the capacity to hurt her... then no I don't think it's wrong to tell her. It may appear to her that you're trying to win her over, but that's her choice if she wishes to perceive it that way. From the sounds it your main motivation is that this guy isn't good relationship material, will likely hurt her, and is nothing like she thinks he is (ie. he is being fake and luring her in?). If you get a secondary gain from that of her perhaps leaning towards you instead, then so be it.

 

As long as you have good reason behind what you're saying, I think it's fine.

 

Ammy

[dr_styles]

If you are convinced that he will just use her then better to tell her sooner rather than later when she may have more invested in him and may not be so kind to you (this is regardless of whether you like her or not).

 

Though a bit of a conundrum because you have to give a little bit of time to see if he really is going to just use her. I wouldn't like any of my friends or relatives sabotaging me ...

[Keraron]

Though a bit of a conundrum because you have to give a little bit of time to see if he really is going to just use her. I wouldn't like any of my friends or relatives sabotaging me ...

 

He already has a girlfriend and cheats her all the time. He told me to use this one girl I like, and from the way he speaks I'd say that if she was interested in him, he wouldn't give a second thought to have fun with her...

[uhohlala]

You're right to be cautious here. Your main goal is to warn this girl about the guy's true character and intentions, so focus on that for the time being. I'd approach it by not actively contradicting her impression -- don't try to actually convince her to drop her impression of him as a nice guy. Less likely to work and more likely to make you look like a hypocrite, since you and he are on friendly terms.

 

Instead try something like, "Yeah, X is a great guy in a lot of ways. He's a lot of fun to hang out with, and he's a good friend to have. It's funny how that doesn't seem to transfer to his love life -- he's always in these messy situations. It's like he goes out of his way to date girls who aren't so hot so that he feels justified in fooling around with other women on the side. Every month or two there's a big round of drama and hurt feelings. I don't see why he doesn't just stay single and have fun playing the field. I think it would be a lot easier on him!"

 

This way you're not conveying a message to the girl that you assume that she's interested in him. You're not directly warning her, you're just commenting on how funny it is that such a great guy has this weird flaw. You're not contradicting her basic perception of him as a "cool guy," you're just offering a (no doubt surprising and dismaying) expansion on her understanding of what he's like.

 

However you bring it up, don't make it your goal to get her to agree with you. Just mention what you know about how this guy conducts himself with women, and then let her digest that info. She might choose to disregard it -- you will have done all you can.

 

As for your secondary goal, wait a while before bringing that up with her. See how she reacts to what you divulge about the other guy. Don't follow up too quickly by showing your own interest in her.

[EQD]

meh. i tell all.

people have to start looking out for one another.

[agent1607307371]

Just let her know that he has a girlfriend. If she's worth anything, she'll steer clear. If not...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, I would let her know that he has a girlfriend and that he is not as Mr. Honourable as he appears to be.

[Timbone]

yeah, just say he's attached already. It's the truth. You aren't lying and you aren't casting a negative light on him, even if it is true.

 

If she 'just can't help herself' because he's so cool and handsome and bad-boy-mysterious, then she's Typical Girl and you don't want her anyway. She's not worth your time if that turns out to be the case.

[odile]

What is it that's motivating you?

You say:

 

What I mean is: it may seem as if I am just telling something wrong about him so that I can win her to my side... which may be somewhat wrong? I don't know.

 

This makes me wonder why she would need to take "sides".

Are you very competitive with your cousin?

Be careful that whatever you do say doesn't backfire-- steer clear of petty comments.

 

At the same time, it seems totally fair to say "Well, he's my cousin, and we're close, but there are some things that we disagree about...."

 

Give her the plain facts (e.g., the cheating), and let her make up her own mind as to how "nice" she thinks his M.O. is.