No contact question?

[kk0310]

hi everyone.

 

ex-bf of 2.5 years and i split up in may (kind of both ended it after a long stretch of regular relationship complacency). we lived together broken up until aug 1st when i moved out. we had a strictly friendly relationship while i lived there. i would like to get back together and see if we can work together on our issues.

 

ex called/texted/emailed 2-3 times a day when i moved out for about 2 1/2 weeks. never asked to see me. we kind of hinted the separation would be good for us. i hoped he would want to see me and got impatient. told him not to contact me anymore unless he wanted to see me. three days later he asked me to go out with him and some friends. didn't go very well as i wasn't ready to do that, though nothing major happened. spent the next 5-6 days peppering him with emails asking him if he had met someone, dating, etc. he always responded no and never got upset with me. sent one more (like an idiot!) and he got very annoyed.

 

we had our last conversation 2 1/2 weeks ago when he told me he just thinks we need to stop talking for a while because we can't talk or spend any time together without too much emotion/stress. i agreed. he said we should take 2-3 weeks without talking/emailing/texting (he was the initiator of 99% of contact since i left). he said we broke up, but never really broke up since we never stopped talking. we had no chance to miss each other and said if he misses me he would call.

 

so he lasted 5 days and then sent me an email about an internet account i had at his house that i needed to cancel. said hope all is well and enjoyed weekend. i replied and we had a few emails back and forth, him generating some conversation but nothing about us, which is fine. another week went by and another email on friday. receipt for return of equipment and another have a great weekend and hope all is well. i did not respond and don't intend to.

 

so my question is, when did our "no contact" actually start? i'm asking because i kind of have a time frame in my mind that i want to give things before i completely shut the door to this whole thing. since this is my first time going through this (i'm 39), i'm not sure how this whole no contact thing really works. i have definitely wanted to email/text, but have not initiated any contact at all since that last conversation and don't intend to.

 

thanks all for reading. and i get a lot of insight and advice from reading the other threads. thank you for that and i feel for everyone in this situation.

[scubagirl72]

Every time you're in touch there is contact... If he emailed you on Friday then Friday was the last contact...

[kk0310]

ugh...even if i don't reply? can't believe i have to start all over again...ha! as much as i hate the thought of never hearing from him again, the emails about meaningless stuff with the well wishes at the end just annoys me. if you're done, be done. and if you're not, then do something about it. i don't get it. thanks, scuba...

[Puckdog27]

so my question is, when did our "no contact" actually start? i'm asking because i kind of have a time frame in my mind that i want to give things before i completely shut the door to this whole thing. since this is my first time going through this (i'm 39), i'm not sure how this whole no contact thing really works. i have definitely wanted to email/text, but have not initiated any contact at all since that last conversation and don't intend to.

 

 

Why does everyone put so much concern into what is contact and what isnt? Its not like you have to have exactly 30 days of nothing at all and keep resetting a clock if you see them. The idea is the distance itself.

 

Im kinda confused by your statement i kind of have a time frame in my mind that i want to give things before i completely shut the door to this whole thing. since this is my first time going through this (i'm 39), i'm not sure how this whole no contact thing really works. i have definitely wanted to email/text, but have not initiated any contact at all since that last conversation and don't intend to.

 

Have you told him you dont want to shut th door?

[kk0310]

i guess it's because he wanted us to have no contact of any kind for at least 2-3 weeks. i'm trying to respect his wishes and give him the space he asked for, but he's making it hard by emailing me at least once a week since he said that. and maybe he is just emailing about the internet crap, but it seems like an excuse to reach out. i don't want to enable a friend relationship to make his life easier. it doesn't help me. if he wants to contact me, i want it to be because he misses me and would like to take things slowly and see if we can work on things together. i have decided to not move on, as far as my personal life goes, until i give things a decent amount of time. not to say if he ended up calling months down the road i wouldn't explore that possibility. so in my own situation, i have chosen to give myself what i consider a reasonable amount of time to let things play out and then if nothing, let myself move on as far as my dating life goes. i know many people will think i could be missing out on something and if that happens, then as far as i'm concerned it wasn't meant to be since i'm not ready for it.

 

i made it pretty clear before i moved out how much i wanted us to have a second chance. told him i was sorry for the mistakes i made in the relationship. told him i loved him very much. all that good stuff. always got an i love you too, but just don't know where my head is at with our relationship. he doesn't want to continue it if there isn't a future and i agree. maybe you're right though.

[xx_Kerry_xx]

If you set the no contact rule and you're the one who contacted HIM then that's contact. If he contact you, then it's not.

 

I know all the relationship advice people say that no contact works and I do agree to a certain extent - we have to give the other person chance to miss us, for one thing and if we are constantly in contact then they aren't being given the chance to miss us.

 

However, I'm not 100% sold on the idea that this reverse psychology works for the greater good. For example, I tried the no contact thing with my bf when we broke up and all it did was make him think that I didn't care and that I was moving on, when in reality I was consumed with wanting to get back with him.

 

Personally I think the no contact rule should be very short, a month at most. Going any further than that, is lying to yourself and the other person.

 

IMO.

[kk0310]

kerry, i agree with you on your no contact theory. it appears to be a fine line. you want someone to have the chance to miss you and remember what a good person you are and why they fell in love with you in the first place, but too long may give the impression you don't care any longer and you have moved on. i guess the hope would be that person would reach out and tell you they miss you and ask you if you miss them too instead of assuming anything. but, not everyone would do that.

 

i guess i will just see if he emails me again this week since he has every week since he wanted us to stop talking. if he does, i will probably reply to this one since i don't want to let him think i don't care anymore. and if i never hear from him again, then i know it wasn't meant to be.

 

thanks!

[xx_Kerry_xx]

As well it obviously also depends on what type of person your 'ex' is.

 

My ex is the type of guy who, if I told him to F*** off would take it literally and would be off.

 

If I were to have completely broken contact with him as advised by NC advocates, I would probably not be back together with him now. I know this for a fact because I have spoken to his best friend who said that during our separation he was totally and utterly miserable but no matter how miserable he was he wasn't going to try to get back together with me because he felt so guilty about the way he had treated me. Some people are just like that, they may not like a situation, but they accept it no matter how hard it is for them to do so. So you've got to use your own knowledge of your unique situation and apply the NC rule so it fits.

[kk0310]

well, i'm pretty sure he's not miserable. he's had a friend move in with him and he is the type who goes out a lot. he keeps pretty busy and i'm not sure he feels badly about what happened. it was a long drawn out process. we had been drifting apart for months, yet neither one of us wanted to end it. he had put in a lot of effort for a good part of the relationship. he got sick of doing it and stopped. i never really did until i felt him slipping away. at that point, he was just resentful and tired of the whole thing. but he never wanted to end it.

 

i finally suggested we end it since he kept waffling about what he wanted. i had always made sure he knew though that i wanted us to be together, that i was sorry for my mistakes and wanted to work on things to make us better. he made comments about how he hoped a separation would be good for us, light a spark (that he didn't want to find with someone else), etc. So i'm very confused by everything.

 

he's pretty stubborn too. so if he said we shouldn't talk for 2-3 weeks, then he will stick to that. it will be 3 weeks since that conversation this thursday. of course, he has emailed me too. i think, like you, too much ignoring/no contact from me may give the wrong vibe. if he does reach out again, i will respond.

 

thanks for the advice. glad things worked out for you! hope i experience the same outcome...

[Lissy]

I think you're missing the point of no contact completely. No contact is for YOU, not him. It shouldn't be used as a tool to make him miss you or figure out that he wants you back. If you go into it with that frame of mind, it won't do you any good at all. No contact is a way for you to heal from the pain, work on yourself, learn from your mistakes and what went wrong in the relationship so that you can avoid repeating those mistakes in future relationships. If it has the side effect of him wanting you back and that's what you want too, great. But don't expect that or you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

[kk0310]

i do get the point of it. i have looked at myself and know the mistakes i made and what i don't want to repeat in any future relationships i may have. i am spending more time with family and friends, have taken up a new hobby and continue to work out 6 days a week.

 

i also know that i still love him. i know that he needs time and space to figure things out. i didn't act like i wanted to or should have in the relationship (no lying or cheating) and he has to decide if he thinks i can be the person for him or if i just panicked because he was drifting away from me and i will go back to being the person he doesn't see himself with. i also have thought of things i didn't like about him as he's not perfect either, but i have known for some time that i can live with those things. nobody is perfect.

 

i am using the no contact for me. and for him.

[Puckdog27]

He is the one that wanted 2-3 weeks and he is the one that keeps contacting you. Why not ask him what he wants? Remind him that it was his idea to take this time and you wish to respect his request, but he is confusing you by continuing to contact you. Tell him if he indeed wants to work on the relationship than you are indeed ready, otherwise he should do what he asked of you and give it the time he requested.

[kk0310]

i know what you're saying. but the emails originated with questions regarding an internet account i had set up at his house that needed to be cancelled. then the latest one from friday had the receipt of the router equipment he had returned for me. he just happens to end all of his emails with "hope all is well, have a great weekend, etc."

 

i feel if i comment on him emailing me as he is the one who did ask for no contact he will just respond that it was about the verizon stuff. at this point, that issue has now been resolved and there is no reason for him to contact me now, other than wanting to do so i guess if he does, i will ask him what he wants.

 

it sometimes makes me think he can't really go without contact for more than 6 or 7 days since he only lasts that long before he sends me an email. but that only confuses me more.

[xx_Kerry_xx]

One of the best things that I have read is the The Magic of Making Up/Clean Slate Method by T Jackson.

 

Basically he's saying that when relationships go wrong, we want to apologise but in most cases our apology is only a form of defence or an excuse for our behaviour ie most of us will say... I'm sorry I did/said that BUT... and this is where things go wrong again because we are not really apologising to the person but to placate them and make them listen to our reasons so we can feel better about ourselves.

 

What he's saying you want to be doing is to apologise from the point of view of realising what you did to hurt THEM even if was their behaviour that ended the relationship.

 

So you apologise by acknowledging their feelings over what you did, that it was YOUR behaviour that was resposible for the break up and that you too have been affected by what you did because it hurt them. You apologise without defense and do not expect forgiveness.

 

Because the person cannot react negatively to anything you have said and you are not defending yourself or blaming them, this can lead to a reconciliation of hearts.

[kk0310]

i have fallen into the trap and purchased that ebook and one other one. they say the same things. understand why the relationship ended, no contact for a minimum of one month, no exceptions. work on yourself. stay busy. be positive, etc.

 

when i apologized to him for my mistakes, i did tell him my behavior hurt me as well. and that he is not fault free, nor did he ever claim to be. he took his share of blame for our failure to work things out.

[xx_Kerry_xx]

lol you should never BUY those things they are available for free download all over the net

[kk0310]

haha... i figured as much but the night i did, i was very upset and it was probably about 3am...haha...! i was too tired to search for them!

[BlueRizla]

That makes so much sense. I did all of that in my last email by stating every instance where I may have hurt my ex and taking full responsibility..and unfortunately.. I guess.. brought up a few issues where I felt she had gone wrong. Though surely there is room for a more balanced approach even if you do follow the advice above?

[doiiiieeezie]

So interesting.. and I have read the ebooks and stuff... but really does an email or letter change anything if the other person is still closed minded?

 

Just a thought.

[Puckdog27]

Everything in those books is right here on ENA.

[xx_Kerry_xx]

That makes so much sense. I did all of that in my last email by stating every instance where I may have hurt my ex and taking full responsibility..and unfortunately.. I guess.. brought up a few issues where I felt she had gone wrong. Though surely there is room for a more balanced approach even if you do follow the advice above?

 

Well he's taking it from the perspective that you want your ex back - that the ex isnt even considering speaking to you or anything and this is the way to go to bridge that gap. The point being that if you still love the ex and want to get back together with them, it doesn't MATTER about the he say/she say... so your apologising in such a way that can't lead to further conflict because that form of apology leaves no room for blame and it sets the tone that there's no need to rehash all of the old arguements.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You really are putting strict time frames on everything. X days of NC before you are ready to start dating again. Why? You should be dating when you are over him, immediately after a countdown. You are far from ready to date if you have to count the days of no contact. No contact days should not be crossed off a calendar like the countdown to Christmas. No contact just is..it is an opportunity for you to heal. Just because he contacted you about housekeeping and tying up loose ends, doesn't mean you start counting NC from then. NC is about the spirit of what you are doing...not talking about the relationship, not being "friends", nothing. If there is unfinished business that needs to be attended to such as closing accounts etc, that is just strictly business with some politeness thrown in..but it hardly counts as friendly contact. Use the time to heal yourself and forget about the relationship..he wanted the time, let him come back to you if he wants..in the meantime heal yourself and stop thinking in terms of deadlines.

[kk0310]

i get what you are saying, but if putting a time frame on things, so to speak, helps me heal, then that's how i have chosen to play it. and as far as housekeeping things go, there is no need for any emails to clean those things up. there were a few other things said that qualify as more than just being polite. i'm not saying these emails mean anything at all. but when he initiated no contact yet still emails, it is what it is.

 

i agree with you i am nowhere ready to date and have no intention of doing that anytime soon. i don't think i explained myself well. i am not waiting x number of days before i date. just waiting to heal...

 

just looking for no contact advice since this is my first experience with it. and i appreciate all of your responses!!

[Puckdog27]

i get what you are saying, but if putting a time frame on things, so to speak, helps me heal, then that's how i have chosen to play it.

 

But thats the thing, it wont help you heal because all it does is make you focus on the date you think you have a shot at, not moving on and letting time slip by. Its like waiting for Xmas as a kid. December is the slowest month of the year and all day long, every day, all you do is sit around and think about what you want. So everyday you are focusing on a "Magic Number" hoping that will be the day they come back. Thats why I dont like the NC Challenge thread. Counting days is like counting cavities in your mouth.

[kk0310]

yeah, you might be right. i'm just trying to take one day at a time at this point. really no idea what i'm doing. haha...

 

he emailed again yesterday morning to see if i got the email he had sent me friday with the receipt for the internet router he returned since he never got a response from me. i replied that i didn't get that email. he said he would send again and good thing i have a personal secretary. haha. then he mentioned house was on last night (i don't like the show and he loves it). he sent the receipt again this morning and said how good the show was last night. i replied thank you and glad he enjoyed the show.

 

so meaningless emails when he said no contact almost 3 weeks ago. haven't gone more than 6 days without some kind of email from him. just confuses me.