Parents Don't Know How To Let Go.

[shy2cool]

I am furious. I recently moved into my own place, yet my parents feel that they can still come over and go through my place.

 

I came home and found that my kitchen had been rearranged and that they had done some other things. The gesture, while nice, isn't what I want and they know that I hate people invading into my space, yet they still do it. The fact that they didn't even let me know of their intent to do these things is mostly what makes me angry.

 

I moved out because I wanted some space of my own. I don't want to feel like they are looking at me all the time. I love them dearly, but enough is enough. I want to stand on my own two feet, not feel like I am a disabled child who cannot do anything. To be more specific, it's my mother that I have the issue with.

 

Is this wrong? I am 25 and this seems pathetic.

[sundaysmile]

That would drive me nuts. So they came in when you weren't there? How did they get inside? I'm the same way as you (I hate space-invaders) -- I'm sure they were just trying to help you get settled in, but still, you're a grown adult and you're perfectly capable of being independent at this point. Especially because they didn't ask if they could do that, I think you have every right to be upset.

 

My parents were similar when I first moved out, but not quite so bad. My dad called me every night for a month straight to ask if I had locked the door, turned off the stove, and tested the smoke alarm. EVERY NIGHT. I eventually stopped answering the phone...

 

Are you an only child by chance?

[shy2cool]

Yeah, I am.

[catfeeder]

Congrats on your new place! I'd think of this less as a personal insult and more of an impersonal problem that you, a perfectly capable adult, can resolve without drama. (Look up locksmiths in your area and change your locks.)

 

If you are newly moved out, you can aid your parents' empty nest feelings by keeping a sense of humor and demonstrating maturity as you build your boundaries. In other words, you'd be wise not to respond when they press your 'child' button by acting like a child--and I think you know this. You're smart for asking this kind of question, and think of how your parents have needed to navigate their whole lives without aid of an Internet forum for guidance. They're going to make human mistakes. Good news is, you get to be the adult in this relationship now.

 

Congrats again on your new place! EnjOy.

[jengh]

Ugh, that would seriously bug me. I had my parents in town staying with me, I went out for a few hours, came back and my entire kitchen was rearranged--exactly like my mother's. I was so mad.

 

Change your locks, don't give them a key. Harsh, but it works.

 

PS-I'm an only child too. I get what you're talking about with the invasion of privacy. Blehhhh it gets on my nerves.

[shy2cool]

The issue is that I think that my mother is into causing controversy and game playing. For example, if I have done something which she doesn't approve of, she won't tell me directly.

 

Anyone have any tips to control an over caring mother with no hobbies?

 

The fact is, I have had more success by making my decisions on my own, instead of making them with her influence. She will NOT leave me alone and it really affects me mentally. This is because I am always thinking "what would my mother think about me doing this?" whenever I do anything.

 

I don't smoke, do drugs and drink very seldomly, yet I get treated like I am so 'bad'. I have to say that she has contributed to me being so shy, socially anxious and probably the reason why I haven't had a girlfriend ever.

[arcadefire]

I have a similar mother like yours, except I'm living at home (graduated college, working and perfectly capable of financing a place, but my mother had a fit when I tried to move out). My mom hardly has any friends due to her untrusting behavior, has no hobbies, constantly complains about my "going out" and such... it's a bother.

 

My best advice is to try not to get into any arguments. They go nowhere, and it's not exactly something you want to get involved in as two adults. When your mom does things like that, just say you appreciate the gesture, but you are perfectly capable of making your own living arrangements. And live your own life. Don't think about what your mother may think about you and what not. I used to go through that stage until I realized that I shouldn't feel bad for living my own life. Do not feel down for being you and yourself. You live for yourself, not for your mom. Good luck.

[3boys]

 

Change your locks, don't give them a key. Harsh, but it works.

 

I agree. Giving them a key only says to them that you don't mind if they come and go as they please. You also have to stand up and tell them that you expect them to let you know before coming over or wait to be invited. Otherwise, it will be no different than you still living at home.

 

Congrats on getting your own place and good luck