guy who went mia on me not back in touch is he genuine?

[buckley]

So I posted on here a little while ago about a guy I had somewhat started to date who after about 6 weeks dropped out of contact with m.

 

the post can be found here:

 

i want to make it clear that I have no intention of seeing a guy while he is with another girl but for some reason i just need to know whether or not this guy is being genuine or not.

 

so anyways about a month after that post i put on here guess who contacts me... he sends me a txt saying so so sorry...thena nother txt asking me how i am etc as if nothing had happened (least that is how i felt). I find out (he tells me) that he is living back with the ex ( i know that this would be out of feeling like he needs to be responsible and following his head)

 

so i wrote back saying 'im sorry, im just abit confused, this is a bit random, what do you want from me exactly? and this was his response not sure, i just have this thing in my chest and to be honest i fell for you big time i still think about you. im sorry. i really lasted until i burst. bad i know. (i assume he is talking about how he resisted contacting me here) he then went on to say: you probably hate me and all guys aruond you'.

 

i wrote back sayin it did upset me that he just stopped talking to me but that i also see now that i was too pushy needing to know where i stood when he was under so much stress but that i do feel like he still could have dealt with me a lot better. I also went on to say i worried that maybe he was now contacting me in hope of getting some intimacy or something (even tho i dont think he is this type iof person, I am scared to be stupid about this, i mean maybe it is all he wants?) you never know right.

 

he then wrote back: i completely understand i hurt you and i am not ptoud of it one bit.i do have strong feelings for you. it is you i miss and want not intimacy altho in all hoensty of course i miss that too but its you as a whole package.seriously how i feel about you is the hardest part , big time. i honestly do feel for you.

 

I just dont know what to make of this.

 

part of me thinks that maybe he is genuine and feels for me but knows nothing can happen cos he has responsibility with her but he has had a moment of weakness and misses me genuinely

 

but i cant help but think that its possible he is just hoping to eventually work the nerve up to see me and have a thing on the side? ( i always think that gyus are only ever after one thing and find it hard to know when being genuine and when their not)

 

backgruond info is that he was always honest with me, caring and fun. he is a softie and was under immense stress and guilt with ex situation.

 

i just dont know.

 

any opinions , feelings, thoughts?

 

thanks a lot

[lavenderdove]

He needs to make a commitment to the woman he is living with and stick with her, or recognize he is not committed to her enough to stay with her in spite of her pregnancy. There is no third option (i.e., if he is still with her, he is out of the question).

 

So don't let his feelings sway your decisions, because regardless of the fact that he might love you, he is living with another woman who is about to have a baby. Until he resolves that situation one way or another, you shouldn't be emotionally or physically intimate.

 

So i'd respond and say that you do not date or get emotionally intimate with guys who are with other women, and he needs to decide whether he is going to commit to this other woman or leave her. As long as he is with her, you will not be in contact with him or consider him as a romantic partner, end of story.

 

If he is only with her out of guilt, most likely it will fall apart, but you don't want to get caught in the fallout from that. Tell him you'll talk to him again only AFTER that relationship is resolved, if it ever is.

[buckley]

of course. I comlpetely agree with you and have never considered any other option but what i am wondering is whether he is being genuine or not.

 

i know ultimately it doesnt matter because this is a dead end situation BUT for some reason i would like to put closure on this and if i knew that he was being genuine then i would find it easy to walk away knowing that he did care for me but that it just wasnt meant to be and understand hsi situation but feel warmth when i think of him and know we di care for one another

 

OR

 

if he isnt being genuine i can walk away n put closure on this hurt and agry but knowing i am better off without him.

 

either way though i just need to know..i suppose because of course i hope it is the first one, so that i can leave with nice memories n know he did care

[D_Lish]

Sounds like hes after a 'bit on the side'.....

 

If his feelings are 'that' strong for you, he'd ditch his current gf, pregnant or not and be with you...

 

I smell bullcrap

[Scorpion Fury]

doesn't matter either way, he has a girlfriend. forget about him.

[uhohlala]

if i knew that he was being genuine then i would find it easy to walk away knowing that he did care for me but that it just wasnt meant to be and understand hsi situation but feel warmth when i think of him and know we di care for one another

 

OR

 

if he isnt being genuine i can walk away n put closure on this hurt and agry but knowing i am better off without him.

 

either way though i just need to know..i suppose because of course i hope it is the first one, so that i can leave with nice memories n know he did care

 

What if he's genuinely ambivalent? What if he genuinely does feel something for you but part of those feelings are the result of the misgivings he feels about looming fatherhood & commitment?

 

In my experience guys are not always good at identifying the source of feelings when they're conflicted. Probably true of some women too but my experience is interacting with confused men and that's what this guy seems to be. The thing is, the doubt & confusion he's experiencing might not all be about his feelings for you; his apprehension about what lies ahead for him in terms of a lifetime commitment to another woman and obligation to a child has got to be feeding that too. So then the question becomes, is he thinking about you because of you, or he he thinking about you because you're the fantasy alternative to the path his life is on now?

 

Nicer for him to think "Oh I'm not sure if I can commit to the mother of my child because I have such strong feelings for Buckley" than it is for him to think "Oh I'm not sure if I can commit to the mother of my child because I'm a cad who doesn't want to step up to his responsibilities."

 

Perhaps I'm cynical but in your shoes I think I'd probably subscribe to the latter possibility, much as the former would appeal to my pride. And I'd resolve to not again allow myself to get sucked into emotional intimacy with a guy who's got some pretty obvious conflicts and issues to resolve. You started by telling yourself that you weren't ready for a relationship anyway, so what was the harm ... I think you're seeing now what kind of harm was possible. At least you didn't get caught up in it more than you did.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

doesn't matter either way, he has a girlfriend. forget about him.

 

 

my sentiments exactly.

 

how genuine can a cheating fool be?

 

tell him to move along.

[bebeblondie]

my sentiments exactly.

 

how genuine can a cheating fool be?

 

tell him to move along.

 

Truer words have not been spoken (on this thread lol)

[lavenderdove]

The point is you can never read another person's mind, so you wouldn't know for sure unless he actually left her and then started dating you. As long as he is with her, it could be a lot of things, anything from he wants sex and she is too pregnant to he does care about you but feels obligated to the baby to he's nervous about commitment and needs a safety valve to feel free to he doesn't really know what he wants.

 

But really, the outcome is the same... he's with someone else. I think what you should feel good about is making a very clear statement that although you have feelings for him too, you can't and won't be involved with him if he is with her.

 

Then if he does leave her then you'll know what is going on, but not until then. If he stays with her, it's all a moot point.

[ms.johnson]

I was recently in the same situation..4 years ago me and this guy Matt had this hot fling for each other that lasted 4 months..we thought that we were both the rebound of the other but something was there between us..but then he ex came back into the situation and so did mine so we ended things there..after that I was really upset because I had something so strong for him...well 4 years went by and he contacted him on myspace...we starting talking about old times and i asked questions that I needed answers to(like why was it after the last day we spoke, you never contacted if you felt so strong) so we were constantly texting and then he tells me that he lives with her and that they have been back together since me and him stop speaking that day four years ago.but we continued to talk...he then began telling me that we had something and that he wanted us to see each other to see if that feeling was still there..I said no, but he told me that if something was there it was worth it to risk everything with her..after 5 years...i still said no but I knew that I needed to see him not because he wanted to but because i needed to know if it was still there...the emotions and the feelings were there...so we ended up having a hot quickie one day...the initmacy was not there anymore but the emotional attachment was...i told him after that it was best if we just stop talking and we did not speak for a good 2 weeks but then he started calling me telling me that he was sorry for hurting me and that he loved me....and i asked him" am i worth it to lose all the respect of your family and friends for leaving her for me, am i worth it when its years down the line from now because its not worth sacrificing so much unless we are both in this together " and he could not answer..if he contacts you again ask him, is his feelings for you worth everything..because you cant base your relationships happiness know that you had to hurt someone really bad to get there.because I did not want to risk it, knowing how we got there...if he cared about you, he would have broken up with her and tried every possible way to be with you.right now he may just be thinking in a "what if things happened between us kind of way" but in reality he knows that if he had those feelings for you that he would be sure of what he wanted...i wish you the best of luck....i dont recommend seeing him because it does make things more difficult and harder on you in the end...

[saltandvinegar]

After reading your threads, my feeling is that uts better to assume that he is just freaking out about the commitment of a baby and a family. He doesnt sound that attached to the mother, and honestly i cant say much for his character given that his partner is now 7 or 8 months pregnant.

Theres something about that that really irks me.

 

Its the same when i go on online dating sites and heaps of blokes have photos of them with their newborn baby (usually its a hospital photo) - and you see below that they are separated/ dovorced. Its such a turn off, how guys get so scared.

 

I would never contact a guy like that, and honestly i would be running from this guy.

 

I know how hard it is to run though, believe me.