Should I stay or should I go? Friend or Foe? & Some Venting

[tattoobunnie]

So, while my ex and I just broke up, unofficially two weeks ago (it was sort of a break), officially a few days ago...because our timing stunk. We both have had some really rocky prior relationships two years ago. Mine included a complete betrayal and beyond, his was an annulment from a mentally unfit woman, then a woman who busted up his self-esteem.

 

By the end of 8 months, we had not really progressed the relationship, but became really close and highly trusting. We love spending time together. During the last month, we both felt jaded and confused about what we wanted, and distanced from each other, until we both decided to see if taking a break/breaking up would bring us back together.

 

I'm a commitmentphobe...probably for more than a decade. It started as a passive role entertaining relationships with unfit or emotionally unavailable men, then now more lately, the kind where I push them away and sabotage things. Then, I ultimately disappear completely, and move on. And whoa, he has some heavy baggage and another slew of issues. (I've gotten help over the years with different spurts. Thought I tackled it for good. Guess not.) We're actually perfect for each other. Granted our totally wrecked relationship records trumps that.

 

For the past two days, he's been pushing for us to be friends.

 

So now last night, in the middle of night, he calls me cuz he's stranded at a train station after having missed his stop by probably 5 stops. I agree to pick him up, since I do still care about him, and pretty much took his toothpaste and shampoo out of humorous childish spite the Monday before. We talk. I tell him how I attributed to the break up with my fear of commitment. He tells me that our timing is bad. We weren't meant to be lovers. We were meant to be best friends forever like Elaine and Jerry from Seinfeld. (He loves that show.) So by the time we get back to his house, it's now 3:30 in the morning. He requests for us to keep talking, and to come in. We talk in bed, how I deserve better, and all the things I said about him were so hurtful, because they were so true. We go to sleep. Wake up. Have sex. Get coffee. I take him to get his car.

 

The me that I've known forever would never entertain the idea of being friends with an ex. While most of my exs try, they at times try to get back together with me, or have different agendas. I'm not all shook up about what happened last night or this morning, but I do know if I hadn't shared with him about my fears, I would have completely disappeared.

 

I still want him as more than friends, my boyfriend. But I am unsure if those feelings are based on the fact that I know I don't have to feel anxious with the thought of him staying or going, that I'm comforted by the fact it's over. I love him. The worse part I felt about this whole ordeal was that I was losing a great friend. At the same time, I know not staying friends with an ex helps people move on. I feel like I can really work out my commitment issues if I keep him as a friend (along with of course, therapy). Like it I cut and run, I'll be repeating my usual cycle yet again.

 

Would you all suggest for me to forget about it, and just move on, since I'll still want for us to work out? I have a lot of friends. But we do have a special relationship. Or would it be healthy for me to stay, knowing I can handle it, I think? I'm not in agony...I don't think it's about stringing me along. I know he really wants for us to be in each other's lives. And we just so happened to "get busy" this morning, and doubt we'd do that again.

 

Has anyone gone straight from relationship to best friendship, straight away? Have any of you gotten back together with an ex you stayed friends with?

 

Thanks.

[thetruth]

even though he's pushing to be friends, the chances are always highest that it is to push for more than that down the road. he needs friend so that you aren't totally lost to him.

 

For yourself, and for him most definitely - if there is no way you are going to make it a relationship again - then a friendship is not a good idea. That's what he actually wants and staying around will make him think it will happen. Jerry and Elaine would have ended up together, so obviously.

[catfeeder]

The problem with settling for being a friend with benefits when you want more is that you're positioning yourself as his safety net while he seeks out and moves on to someone else. Then you're just left to suck it up and be a good sport about it. Not smart. Don't go there.

[tattoobunnie]

Oh, I don't wanna be his FWB...it just happened.

[catfeeder]

Oh, I don't wanna be his FWB...it just happened.

 

Then consider not being his friend until you're free and clear of your attraction for him. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a FWB until he finds someone else to sleep with. Who needs that?

[tattoobunnie]

Normally, I'm more fond of the Houdini act, and never heard from again. We've made it a little more complex than a FWB situation. I would really like to try something different. Instead of running away and start a fresh which is easy for me, actually confronting it head on, and take it one day at a time.