Buck's night

[bitterbear18]

I'd made a committment to my fiance to not go to a strip club but decided on the actual night out to go with friends after initial plans fell through.

 

Completely conscious of the decision I knew it wasn't going to go down well and it was inevitable that there were going to be repercussions for not following through on my word. I told her exactly what happened and was upfront with it and obviously the reaction was not good.

 

What do you guys make of this? I'm sure guys would think it would be some rite of initiation as ridiculous as it sounds, but how would females react and respond to a situation like this?

 

Would you forgive and make him earn back his trust? Please advise.

[lostandhurt]

Losing her trust is the worst possible thing you can do.

 

Going back on your word is second. After all in this whole world all we really have is our word and if it is worth nothing, what do we have? (rhetorical)

 

Lost

[needafriend]

Well I don't see anything wrong with going to a strip club - but I guess your fiance doesn't feel this way.

 

I can see why she is upset because you did promise her you wouldn't go... but then your plans fell through and lets face it, you (as the groom to be) don't really have much say it where or what you do on your bucks night. It's up to your buddies to make sure you have a good time... and I'm sure you did.

 

If I were your fiance I would laugh it off and thank you for being honest with me.

But other women have different opinions on strip clubs I guess...

[waveseer]

Why did you go after agreeing not to go? Is it more important to you to do what 'the guys' expect than what your word says? The fact that it was a strip club and not a hunting lodge makes no difference at all.

 

If I were you I'd be thinking about either rearranging my priorities or leaving my gf so she can find someone who will value their relationship with her.

[zzprometheuszz]

well at least you have the balls to admit it. She's going to be mad at you for a while. looks like you going to have to do something for her to make it up.

 

why did you go anyway knowing how she feels.....isn't that just getting in trouble on purpose...

[Tetsuo_Shima]

personally were i about to get married or whatever and the guys wanted me to go to a strip club, i wouldn't set foot in one. that's just bad joo-joo man. not smart.

[bitterbear18]

waveseer, I wouldn't have the slightest and wouldn't even attempt to justify myself without coming accross as a complete moron in the process.

 

The hypothetical was raised if she went to a hen's night, in my personal opinion I wouldn't have an issue with it at all. It's just part and parcel of the pre-wedding games/fun/shenanigans. Would be a question of values; I don't intend on returning and the lesson learnt would be that if friends in the future were to have a night out I'd just have to have the fortitude to opt out.

 

The other questionable was if I'd enjoyed it and to put it flatly i didn't. I sat there wondering What would she think of me? It was such an empty experience fully knowing that there was nothing fulfilling save the fact it was a last hurrah between mates.

 

Breaking promises isn't good relationship practice at all and the only solution to all of this is to rebuild on trust and committment.

[waveseer]

You have chosen to rearrange your priorities, good job.

[needafriend]

if friends in the future were to have a night out I'd just have to have the fortitude to opt out.

 

I hope you just mean a night out at the strippers ???

 

Also you mentioned that is was a "last hurrah" out with your friends ?? Do you go out with your friends often??

 

I think it's very admirable that you have decided to reassess your priorities. You lied and went back on your word which is wrong.

 

You deserve to grovel to her a bit. To regain her trust.

 

But... please try not to loose yourself in the process of this marriage.

You love her and don't want to hurt her - thats beautiful. But I hope that (I'm digging a bit deeper) her opinions and thoughts about you aren't shaping your identity.

[ghost69]

i'd just tell her i was going. if my girl cannot trust me enough to go to a strip club (which by the way i go extremely rarely cause they kind of bore me), i'd find a girl that trusts me.

[Kumatora]

Well I don't see anything wrong with going to a strip club - but I guess your fiance doesn't feel this way.

 

I can see why she is upset because you did promise her you wouldn't go... but then your plans fell through and lets face it, you (as the groom to be) don't really have much say it where or what you do on your bucks night. It's up to your buddies to make sure you have a good time... and I'm sure you did.

 

If I were your fiance I would laugh it off and thank you for being honest with me.

But other women have different opinions on strip clubs I guess...

i'd just tell her i was going. if my girl cannot trust me enough to go to a strip club (which by the way i go extremely rarely cause they kind of bore me), i'd find a girl that trusts me.

Normally I agree with these.... but that's just me. I hold a similar belief.

 

However, other couples are NOT cool with their partner going to the titty bar. It's not an issue about who's right or wrong, or who is insecure- it's about respecting your partner's wishes. It breeches their comfort and trust level with you by going against their word. I can definitely tell you that depending on the strip club, strippers WILL go down on you if you pay them extra- doesn't matter if you are celebrating your bachelor night, they will not care. It is a business transaction to them regardless of the "no touching" rule. There are always exceptions to that rule, which many people do not know. Some girls/guys know this and are not comfortable with the idea of their boyfriends/fiancees going at all.

 

If you trust your partner to have fun at the strip club and not act like a total jack ass, good! If not then you better make sure he/she respects that one boundary.

[paintedblue]

I agree.

 

I dont think the issue here is moral of a strip club but the fact you already agreed not to but still did. But you already know that.

 

Side note though,Im a guy,and I hate strip clubs.

[bitterbear18]

It was a dull experience and the boys were paying. I would definitely not return there, I think we set a precedent that night for what might happen with furture friend's weddings. I also expressed I wouldn't attend in the future even for a friend.

 

It's been a couple of days since it all happened and everything is back on track. I was pretty open about it all and it just moveson from there. From her end of course it was a difficult few days but from a personal standpoint it made me realise the enormity of being married and how one night could of just put a relationship down the toilet.

[bitterbear18]

It was a dull experience and the boys were paying.

 

Sorry, I just had to laugh at myself for the ridiculousness of that comment. Not even justifiable.

[ghost69]

i've been to a lot of strip clubs and was never offered fellatio.

 

i've never seen this dark side of it i guess. but a trustworthy bf doesn't just accidentally get a bj from a stripper or anything even close.

 

i've only gone for the atmosphere with friends. it's a good time to just chill.

[Kumatora]

i've been to a lot of strip clubs and was never offered fellatio.

It's never really offered. It's all about how well you know the stripper and how much money you have to offer her. My old friend from HS is a stripper and she has confessed to having sex/giving BJs with her clients. The club she works at has a special room that allows her to perform sex on her clients that they do not speak about unless the client is a preferred customer.

 

That's how it works. It's called a club for a reason.

[Circe]

What do you guys make of this? I'm sure guys would think it would be some rite of initiation as ridiculous as it sounds, but how would females react and respond to a situation like this?

 

Would you forgive and make him earn back his trust? Please advise.

 

I think it's an extremely sleezy, exploitative and unclassy (if that was a word) thing to do in general - but particularly so just before your wedding when you should be focused on your commitment to each other and your future together.

 

My husband and I also talked about this and agreed no strippers. He said if they forced one on him he would leave. Of course they didnt because they respected his wishes and apparently, our relationship.

 

Anyway - if he had - would I have forgiven him?

 

Probably.

 

I'm not sure that I would have married him though. But thats just me - and its a really big issue for me.

 

It means nothing to other people. But he knows how important this is to me - and thats the point.

 

How important was it for her? If you knew it was really important to her and you did it anyway.. well.. I wouldnt marry someone who was prepared to disrespect my wishes or tread (stomp) over my feelings like that - just for one night of fun or "rite of initiation".

 

I'd have forgiven him eventually. I might have even eventually married him. But i couldnt have just married him the next week or anything like that.

 

[And might I add - this is why - on the night of the actual bucks - I was very nervous. Because despite believing and trusting in him - I knew that if something went wrong and he let me down, I wouldnt have been able to follow through on the wedding. And that would have meant a lot of disappointment and heartache for everyone and a lot of money wasted. So I was very nervous.]

[Khloe]

Let's get something straight BitterBear. Buck night wasn't your "last night of freedom". That would've been the night before you asked your fiance to marry you.

 

Please try not to be overly surprised if she decides to post pone your nuptials out of concern for her newfound lack of trust that you caused. You promised you wouldn't go and went anyways. There is a reason why she asked you not to go and if you can't keep your word on something like a strip club she's probably wondering if your word means anything. After all, getting married means making a promise and keeping it. Her concerns are valid and its very concerning that you still don't get it.

 

My bf loves telling the story about where I was when he called me shortly after we began dating. I was at a strip club with a friend and misunderstood the dancer when she asked me if I wanted to have a drink with her. I realized when we were walking toward the bar and she started toward the back room that what she had really been asking is if I wanted a lap dance. How embarrassing!

 

Despite the fact that I don't find it a big deal for him to go to a strip club he knows that I'm against him going the night of his stag party. I don't believe in the whole "last night of freedom" thing because a man getting married has already made his commitment to me. Perhaps your gf is thinking along these lines? You crossed the line dude. It was a BIG mistake that you made.

[bitterbear18]

Sorry Khloe I think that was a misquote on a "last night of freedom"; you also overlooked my last comment being from a personal standpoint it made me realise the enormity of being married and how one night could of just put a relationship down the toilet.

 

Of course her concerns are valid. I didn't intend to come here anon and try to justify myself but to seek some perspective. I made a promise, gave my word and didn't keep to it. I don't think I'm hiding from anything, I made a pretty huge mistake and paid the consequences for it.

[Khloe]

Sorry Khloe I think that was a misquote on a "last night of freedom"; you also overlooked my last comment being from a personal standpoint it made me realise the enormity of being married and how one night could of just put a relationship down the toilet.

 

Of course her concerns are valid. I didn't intend to come here anon and try to justify myself but to seek some perspective. I made a promise, gave my word and didn't keep to it. I don't think I'm hiding from anything, I made a pretty huge mistake and paid the consequences for it.

 

That's good you're owning it. I hope that's enough for your gf because I would certainly be rethinking the whole marriage thing. If you're making a big mistake like this you should be thinking too. Are you really ready for this? Be honest with yourself. You should not be learning the importance of keeping your word while planning a wedding.

 

Good luck and keep us updated. If she has forgiven you she should not throw this in your face. If she throws it in your face in the heat of an argument she may not have actually forgiven you and you may want to discuss the matter further.

 

Forgiving isn't forgetting but that doesn't mean you should have it thrown in your face.

[d24]

poor guy, under the thumb already!

 

joking aside... you broke her trust by doing what you said you wouldn't..... ask yourself a serious question. Was it worth it, and would you do it again if given the choice... then act accordingly to 'clear this all up'.