Girls chasing marriage from guys who probably do not want to marry.

[Circe]

I think most women want to get married because they want to create a loving family, have someone in their lives they feel they can always depend on. A reliable, mutual, loving, committed, rewarding, relationship. An enduring friendship. Someone to share life with that you don't have to worry may not be on the same page as you in terms of where they will be five years from now. Someone you can rely on not to leave you behind - to make choices with you.

 

These are some of the things that I think marriage brings. And I am so grateful for them. And I can totally understand why women would be hoping for this from their partners. Now you don't need to have marriage to experience all that but thats exactly what marriage has symbolised for eons so don't expect women (and men) to not be influenced by that.

 

I dont believe there are many women out there JUST in it for the ring - because quite honestly.. they can get their own ring, can't they?

[hexaemeron]

But it's not the same if you buy it yourself. It has to be given, because it means someone else feels THAT way about you.

[Imprecision]

I think a lot of these people feel that marriage is more of a maturity rite of passage, like graduation. And they're not really adults, or mature, etc unless they're married. They want to join that smug married collective and know that they can stop dating, stop caring, stop trying, because they've found their husband then it's just security after that.

 

And that's a HORRIBLE attitude to have, IMO.

 

Well, for me, marriage is totally a coming-of-age rite. I very much look forward to my future wedding. And to show how much I look forward to it, I've been studying books on traditional Chinese marriage customs - because I want to do everything the old way, according to the customs of my people. I've also been looking over pictures of old-school and contemporary wedding ceremonies - I absolutely love the costumes.

 

And then, after marriage, the adventure of a young couple struggling together - saving money, starting our own business, managing our own household - fighting for our own share of this earth hand in hand. A private world for two committed lovers (since Heaven rewards those who strive against hardship) - With teamwork and enterprise, with spirit and persistence, We'll carve out our own garden of apples and pomegranate, of honey and milk.

 

Our friends will talk behind our back. They'll say, "Look how much he loves her, and how much she loves him!" Our elders will bless us; our young cousins will gather around us, because they look up to us. Equal partners, joined by the yoke of mutual love - we'll show the world the true meaning of marriage. Then we'll be the pillar of our family and the beacon of our clan.

 

Btw, there's nothing wrong with a woman wanting a ring. The pursuit of love and happiness is a woman's natural birthright.

[hexaemeron]

I think it's beautiful that you've given this so much thought. Have you ever actually HAD a long-term relationship though? I think you might be setting some potentially wildly impossible expectations.

[Lonewing]

this is the most reasonaable suggestion I have seen on this matter yet...But I think it extends to both partners, not just one or the other! It may be purely theoretical, but in al lhonesty, this would really cut down on the number of issues!! So much of this would have helped me sooner!

[Cognitive_Canine]

If a guy started asking me, within a month of dating, when I wanted to get married. Or even imposed a deadline...I'd be outta there.

 

I don't want to "get married". I want to marry the one I love.

[Lonewing]

My ex talked of the Mo-mos [Mormons] rushing to get married JUST so they could go and enjoy having sex without breaking any social rules. It's almost Humorous how guilt avoidance can then lead to so much misguided youth.

[Imprecision]

I think it's beautiful that you've given this so much thought. Have you ever actually HAD a long-term relationship though? I think you might be setting some potentially wildly impossible expectations.

 

Not married yet. But my girl and I agreed to get married as soon as I finish law-school.

 

I would say my expectations are reflective of what I've seen in my family - both the older generation and my cousins.

[Imprecision]

My ex talked of the Mo-mos [Mormons] rushing to get married JUST so they could go and enjoy having sex without breaking any social rules. It's almost Humorous how guilt avoidance can then lead to so much misguided youth.

 

There's nothing wrong with getting married in order to have sex. It depends on if both persons are committed to the marriage after the novelty wears off.

 

Do those friends of your ex remain committed?

[Lonewing]

There's nothing wrong with getting married in order to have sex. It depends on if both persons are committed to the marriage after the novelty wears off.

 

Do those friends of your ex remain committed?

 

Its a HORRIBLE reason to get married!!! They weren't her friends, just people within her congregation, and within the region, and what she observed.

 

People should get married because they want to be COMMITTED to each other - and no other reason whatsoever!

 

Not because they just want to have sex!!

[Imprecision]

Its a HORRIBLE reason to get married!!! They weren't her friends, just people within her congregation, and within the region, and what she observed.

 

People should get married because they want to be COMMITTED to each other - and no other reason whatsoever!

 

Not because they just want to have sex!!

 

Lots of people do arranged marriages. Even these days, where you get to meet the person once or twice before getting married.

 

If they are both committed to the marriage, then it will turn out to be a good thing.

[Lonewing]

That's a different sort of deal. An arranged marriage in your culture is between two people who are interested in being married - they are doing it to be committed to another person.

 

They're not exactly doing it JUST so they can run to the nearest honeymoon suite to do it!

[Imprecision]

Well that's what I'm asking - Do they remain stay married after they got what they wanted? Wouldn't divorce presumably be frowned upon too in this Mo-mo culture which your ex referred to?

[Lonewing]

No - that's why the divorce rate is so high amongst them. And if they don't divorce, due to a social pressure created by a certain social organization, they stay together in very unhappy marriages with tons of kids because they don't know how to use contraceptives...

[Imprecision]

That's very interesting. Thank you for the information.

[confusedgirly]

The OP rings true for me.

Ack... as soon as my partner and I had been together for 2 years I started asking when he would be likely to want to get married. He would always manage to evade the conversation. We had a lot of fights over it.

On our 3rd year dating anniversary we chose a ring together and he proposed.

 

Bottom line is he never would have done it if I hadn't pushed him. And now I find out he was still in a 'single guy mindset' last year when I was almost begging for a ring, because he was sending private messages to some other girl.

 

I think of myself as an intelligent, decent-looking girl who has a lot going for her and my partner used to/maybe still does fit the bill of someone beneath her, and yet my entire mind last year was hell bent on being proposed to.

 

I sure do regret it now.

[Circe]

But it's not the same if you buy it yourself. It has to be given, because it means someone else feels THAT way about you.

 

What.. obligated to spend money better spent on reducing a mortgage or saving for the future on a sparkly rock so that some people (usually strangers or the shallower of your friends) can say "oh he must reaally love you a lot to buy you a ring that big!"

 

lol .. I laugh.. but then an acquantance of mine with a massive ring did tell me once that plenty of shop assistance etc comment on how much her finace must love her to buy the ring.. so maybe you are right.

 

Sometimes I think women are their own worst enemies.

[LAYAAN]

I think the reason being, the society (certainly eastern and now western included) has created almost a requirement for a woman to be married or have a bf. "What? You are a single woman, and happy? how is that possible? You are lying to yourself and others."

Women (myself included) buy into this nonsense that they are a big loser without a male by their side. This gets even worse when they enter their 30s and haven't found a man. Women have bought into this illusion of "my man" "my kids" "my family" "my small world" and they run after men, wanting a ring, so they can feel complete, so they can feel that they finally have it all together. Nothing matters unless you meet a compatible man. Everyday life becomes a big uphill climb if you are with a lazy, arrogant, abusive man or a man without all these problems but has incompatible life goals with you.

[DN]

Same thing with men - before I was married I often had people ask me when I was planning on doing so and even now i hear other young men asked the same question. If a couple are together for more than a few months people will ask 'when are you two getting married?"

[Circe]

If a couple are together for more than a few months people will ask 'when are you two getting married?"

 

It's attrocious when people do that. If the couple knew when (or if) they are getting married - they'd be engaged already!! Why ask that question?

 

It's so rude to put people on the spot like that and make them feel unhappy with their present situation.. like it's just not enough.

 

I would a million times over rather be single than be in, say, my mother's marriage (though she seems content enough with it).

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's attrocious when people do that. If the couple knew when (or if) they are getting married - they'd be engaged already!! Why ask that question?

 

It's so rude to put people on the spot like that and make them feel unhappy with their present situation.. like it's just not enough.

 

I would a million times over rather be single than be in, say, my mother's marriage (though she seems content enough with it).

 

In a way I think it's kind of considerate.

 

"You're so happy and content, when are you getting married?"

 

I just have this feeling that people wouldn't ask if they felt the couple didn't appear happy and ready.

[SayWhen]

I used to be very invested in the idea of marriage, but recently I have questioned its importance to me. From a young age the idea of marriage was pushed on me...and I am sure it goes that way for many young girls. I also am sure this is why so many of those girls, when they go on to adulthood, chase after whoever they think they can catch and turn into a husband. It is a security and self-esteem issue many times. I mean, just think how many women doll themselves up, make themselves into someone who they are not and then catch a guy into marriage...afterwards completely letting themselves go. Now, don't bash me...I know this isn't true ALL the time and YES I know that sometimes men are just as at fault...however...this is a rampant theme in our society (hence our HIGH divorce rate!). We marry people who we are not truly compatible with just to be able to say "I'm married." Don't get me wrong, I think the idea of marriage itself is beautiful...but for now, I am perfectly happy being unmarried to my wonderful boyfriend who I hope to spend as much time with as life will allow. If it leads to marriage, that's fine...but I am not chasing it as I once did. It really cleared my perspective to just let it go. It's too bad more women can't do the same. Now I truly enjoy living my life for myself, and having my boyfriend there to enjoy it with me...rather than concerning myself as to whether I am doing all the right things to ensure that our relationship will end in marriage! We are both much happier now Just my two cents!

[diabolik]

American culture has pumped women up with the idea that they can do anything in life without accountability and someone will be there to pick up the pieces when things fall apart, and has reinforced this absurd notion for decades.

If they are young enough and attractive enough, someone will be there.

I think the reason being, the society (certainly eastern and western included) has created almost a requirement for a woman to be married or have bf. What? You are a single woman, and happy? how is that possible? You are lying to yourself and others.

Women (myself included) buy into this nonsense that they are a big loser without a male by their side. This gets even worse when they enter their 30s and haven't found a man.

This is very true. A woman my age likely feels much more pressure to be in a relationship than I do. Part of it is the biological clock. But she will also have greater external pressure from friends and family than I get.

[tattoobunnie]

I think the reason being, the society (certainly eastern and western included) has created almost a requirement for a woman to be married or have bf. What? You are a single woman, and happy? how is that possible? You are lying to yourself and others.

Women (myself included) buy into this nonsense that they are a big loser without a male by their side. This gets even worse when they enter their 30s and haven't found a man. Women have bought into this illusion of "my man" "my kids" "my family" "my small world" and they run after men wanting a ring so they can feel complete, so they can feel that they finally have it all together. Nothing matters unless you meet a compatible man. Everyday life becomes a big uphill climb if you are with a lazy, arrogant, abusive man.

 

Oh my good god...I love your answer! I'm 31 too...and know exactly what you mean! Ha!

[Lonewing]

And my Ex worked in a senior care home...

 

Those who had a significant other and a family for a large part of their life are happy even if now alone.

 

Those who had gone life without a partner and chldren are bitter and miserable...and nobody ever comes to visit them.

 

It may feel great in the short term to be free of the compromises of being with another. But there is tradeoffs to every situation.

 

Ohthe wisdom you can gain from the elderly!!!