Girls chasing marriage from guys who probably do not want to marry.

[rustyschackelf]

I've see time and time again girls chasing after wedding rings from guys who clearly have no intention of marrying them. They spend years of their lives with these guys constantly hoping the guy will change and put a ring on their finger. And in most of the cases I've seen the guy is a total ass, he either cheats or used to cheat on her, treats her badly, or is just a bad boyfriend in general who would make a worse husband. We've all heard their lines: "he said were getting engaged next year" (2 more years go by and still no engagement), "he needs to focus on his starting career for now and then we'll get engaged (his career is well underway and going fine), "he thinks we haven't been together long enough to get engaged" (they've been together for 8 years), "I know he wants to marry me" (he has made it clear that he never wants to get married) etc. Now I'm not faulting these guys for not marrying these girls, nobody should marry someone if it is not what they truly want. I'm just questioning why these girls continuously put up with these guys who deep down they know full well are not going to change anytime soon. I also question whether these girls actually want to marry these guys, or do they just act like they do because they've invested so much time into the relationship and they can't admit to themselves or others that the relationship isn't going anywhere.

[DN]

Well, there are also plenty of women (and some men) who will enter into a relationship with someone, even live with them, knowing their partner does not want to marry anyone for whatever reason and yet go ahead hoping they will change their minds and then becoming bitter and resentful when they don't.

 

Or they agree they don't want marriage either and then change their minds and expect their partner to as well.

 

It's all about communication.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You have to wonder how many of these women are just after the ring, and don't really care who they are married, as long as they are married.

[servedcold]

Have seen this a thousand times in life, so many times. Usually involves a girl who has lots going for her and a guy who is either a hack "musician," artist, drug dealer, or some other type of charismatic loser. The woman will end up marrying the first "nice" guy who shows her any interest (and doesn't know or care that she is damaged goods) after she finally breaks from the non-committal guy (usually after several years), and of course most of those marriages don't last. It's probably one of the top reasons for the high divorce rate. No idea what the women who get themselves involved in this way are thinking, have seen it happen to women from all walks of life, more likely they just aren't thinking.

 

American culture has pumped women up with the idea that they can do anything in life without accountability and someone will be there to pick up the pieces when things fall apart, and has reinforced this absurd notion for decades.

[agent1607307371]

You're right. If women find themselves in a bad situation they should just stick it out until one of them dies. Blaming women for the divorce rate is missing half of the other people responsible for it too.

 

Don't forget that women have the idea of marriage forced down their throat from the time they're old enough for a Bridal Barbie.

[luvs2kayak]

It seems like some women in those situations have a fear of intimacy. Otherwise, they would find somebody who is willing to commit to them. So it's more about the woman than about the man who won't commit...

 

In my case, I am older, and I waited 5 1/2 years before marrying my hubby. We had other factors involved (wanted to wait for kids to be on their own)-- so it was worth it and avoided unnecessary stress in the longrun.

[servedcold]

You're right. If women find themselves in a bad situation they should just stick it out until one of them dies.

 

Yeah that's -exactly- what I said

 

How about the women in question learning to control their emotions and impulsivity to the extent that they avoid these bad situations to begin with?

 

No, but of course not, because that would involve self-control, rationality, personal accountability and self-imposed limitations... and just plain wouldn't be fun.

 

Blaming women for the divorce rate is missing half of the other people responsible for it too.

 

Women file 75% of the divorces in my jurisdiction, and their bad behavior is responsible for far more divorces than the bad behavior of men. I talk to domestic relations lawyers every day, how bout you?

 

Don't forget that women have the idea of marriage forced down their throat from the time they're old enough for a Bridal Barbie.

 

All the more reason for them to make more rational choices in selecting mates.

[Imprecision]

The trick, of course, is to weed out all all non-marriage-minded men and date only marriage-minded men.

 

Popular opinion is that people should not bring up marriage on the first date. I say this is the first thing two people should talk about to make sure they're on the same page.

 

If a woman intends on marriage, she should hang out with many guys - but strictly "hanging out" - She should not have kiss, make out, or have sex with them. When she gets to know a guy's life, background, and character better after many sessions of hanging out, either she or the guy can ask to start going out. This should be done only if she knows the guy too wants marriage.

 

After dating for some time, it's a woman's prerogative to ask the guy about marriage. She should give a deadline for the commencement of engagement. If he refuses, she should leave him and not waste her time.

 

******

 

Guys often know which of their friends is marriage-minded. Especially those guys who would prove to be great husbands if anyone gave them a chance. A non-traditional route of finding a man is for a woman to ask her guy friends. She should, of course, only ask those friends she trust, who would not betray her interests.

[DN]

I think it reasonable to find out what people's views are about marriage but I don't think it advisable to say anything on the lines of "OK, I will date you. This is the 22nd March 2010, I expect you to ask me to marry you by March 22nd 2011 or you're gone."

[waveseer]

I don't know any women who want to marry men who don't want to marry them. I'm sure it happens, but how pervasive is it?

[DN]

I don't know any women who want to marry men who don't want to marry them. I'm sure it happens, but how pervasive is it?

Judging by the number of posts on here - fairly pervasive. Not just women though.

[waveseer]

Judging by the number of posts on here - fairly pervasive. Not just women though. ]

 

Since I mostly know women (and men) in their 40's, maybe both genders are better at understanding where the relationship is headed, if anywhere.

[rustyschackelf]

You have to wonder how many of these women are just after the ring, and don't really care who they are married, as long as they are married.

 

Thats a very good point that crossed my mind when I first posed this question. Like someone else said the idea of marriage and weddings is forced down the throat of women from the day they are able to start talking. I can think of three couples I know of right now that are in the predicament I stated above, and in all three I think the girls simply want a ring and a wedding because they think they are at the time in their lfe where they need to be married, and their interest in / love for the guy comes secondary to this. One in particular keeps fighting wher her bf about this and is trying to force him into it by giving him the ultimatum: "either I get a ring by the end of the year or I'm out of here!"

[DN]

In some places (the UK for one I believe) more people are choosing to live together without marriage than are getting married.

[servedcold]

Waveseer, it may be cultural or geographical to an extent, but as said previously, have seen this particular phenomenon so many times that it's almost cliched. Mostly see it with druggy or party types, some soulful artist types lol.

 

I have lost some great prospective relationships to these types hovering in the background over the years, exerting some control over the woman despite being unwilling to commit for whatever reason. For a great film example, see the relationship between James Woods' and Sharon Stone's characters in the movie Casino.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Waveseer, it may be cultural or geographical to an extent, but as said previously, have seen this particular phenomenon so many times that it's almost cliched. Mostly see it with druggy or party types, some soulful artist types lol.

 

I have lost some great prospective relationships to these types hovering in the background over the years, exerting some control over the woman despite being unwilling to commit for whatever reason. For a great film example, see the relationship between James Woods' and Sharon Stone's characters in the movie Casino.

 

Great movie. And a good example.

[waveseer]

Waveseer, it may be cultural or geographical to an extent, but as said previously, have seen this particular phenomenon so many times that it's almost cliched. Mostly see it with druggy or party types, some soulful artist types lol.

 

I have lost some great prospective relationships to these types hovering in the background over the years, exerting some control over the woman despite being unwilling to commit for whatever reason. For a great film example, see the relationship between James Woods' and Sharon Stone's characters in the movie Casino.

 

That may be, I'm sure the perception of one's options has a great deal to do with it.

[sparkles4]

I don't know any women who want to marry men who don't want to marry them. I'm sure it happens, but how pervasive is it?

 

I've seen it happen a lot. Even just looking at these forums in the "Relationship Commitment" section or whatever it's called, I see all kinds of posts by women where you can tell right away that this is what's going on.

 

Maybe it just comes down to wanting what you can't have, or being attracted to the challenge of getting a non-committal person to settle down. And I don't think it's just women; there are guys who do it, too.

[sparkles4]

I don't know any women who want to marry men who don't want to marry them. I'm sure it happens, but how pervasive is it?

 

I've seen it happen a lot. Even just looking at these forums in the "Relationship Commitment" section or whatever it's called, I see all kinds of posts by women where you can tell right away that this is what's going on.

 

Maybe it just comes down to wanting what you can't have, or being attracted to the challenge of getting a non-committal person to settle down. And I don't think it's just women; there are guys who do it, too.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think a lot of it starts out honest enough. Maybe the guy doesn't know if he wants to marry or not. Maybe he just assumes he wants to be married. Maybe the girl just assumes everyone wants to be married. Maybe they never talk about it for fear of scaring off the other person....

 

Then 3 years...4 years...5 years later....

 

After that you are just so committed to that person that you have so much hope that they'll commit to you.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think a lot of it starts out honest enough. Maybe the guy doesn't know if he wants to marry or not. Maybe he just assumes he wants to be married. Maybe the girl just assumes everyone wants to be married. Maybe they never talk about it for fear of scaring off the other person....

 

Then 3 years...4 years...5 years later....

 

After that you are just so committed to that person that you have so much hope that they'll commit to you.

[DN]

I think a lot of it starts out honest enough. Maybe the guy doesn't know if he wants to marry or not. Maybe he just assumes he wants to be married. Maybe the girl just assumes everyone wants to be married. Maybe they never talk about it for fear of scaring off the other person....

 

Then 3 years...4 years...5 years later....

 

After that you are just so committed to that person that you have so much hope that they'll commit to you.

I am sure that is true. What is wrong is where people intentionally mislead someone. What is unfortunate is when they mislead themselves.

[DN]

I think a lot of it starts out honest enough. Maybe the guy doesn't know if he wants to marry or not. Maybe he just assumes he wants to be married. Maybe the girl just assumes everyone wants to be married. Maybe they never talk about it for fear of scaring off the other person....

 

Then 3 years...4 years...5 years later....

 

After that you are just so committed to that person that you have so much hope that they'll commit to you.

I am sure that is true. What is wrong is where people intentionally mislead someone. What is unfortunate is when they mislead themselves.

[hexaemeron]

I think a lot of these people feel that marriage is more of a maturity rite of passage, like graduation. And they're not really adults, or mature, etc unless they're married. They want to join that smug married collective and know that they can stop dating, stop caring, stop trying, because they've found their husband then it's just security after that.

 

And that's a HORRIBLE attitude to have, IMO.

[hexaemeron]

I think a lot of these people feel that marriage is more of a maturity rite of passage, like graduation. And they're not really adults, or mature, etc unless they're married. They want to join that smug married collective and know that they can stop dating, stop caring, stop trying, because they've found their husband then it's just security after that.

 

And that's a HORRIBLE attitude to have, IMO.