The Point System - try it

[Something funny]

Okay, now I'm breaking the "one topic on the first page" rule, but I figured that since the support topic is common property and this isn't a personal thread either, it might be alright.

 

Background

I'm in a situation very similar to most of us, and I know what I have to do. I have to move on and become more independent, and I can't just sit around waiting for that to happen. I have to use my No Contact time wisely and move actively towards independance and stability.

 

What's the Point System?

There are two important factors in becoming independent after a breakup. One is time, and the other is actively striving to create an independent identity. Becoming a stronger, better person.

We all have tons of excess energy right now. We're sad, angry and desperate. What we need to do is to focus that energy, NOT on the ex, but on something else. The point system is a structured way to using that energy in becoming more independent, and to finally be able to confront (and maybe even win back!) the ex - on his/her level.

 

How does it work?

Think about the things that help you move on. Hanging out with friends, dating other people, excercising, working, travelling? Figure out a hierarchy among these activities. Which ones have the greatest impact? What activities make you feel strong and independent?

The idea is to assign points to these different activities. Getting a better job might earn you lots of points, while excercising for an hour might reward you with a smaller number. Try to find a balance. It might take a few days to get the balance right.

After that, decide on a goal; a number where you believe that you'll be an independent person. Set it high. DON'T set it too low! And make sure you're firm in not lowering the bar. When you've reached this sum, you're free to contact, and try to win back, your ex.

At the end of every day, sum up the points. Evaluate yourself. Give yourself ratings. Give yourself bonuses if you've been thinking very little about your ex, or if you've done something special. Since time is also an important factor, give yourself a set bonus at the end of every day, and maybe another bonus for not contacting the ex. Make sure that you're punished in terms of points if you try to contact him/her. Be firm.

And try pushing yourself into doing fun, exciting things. Set skydiving or something like that (anything exciting) to a large amount of points and try to realize that activity. Imagine how impressed your ex will be when you tell him/her about all these cool things you've done!

Don't forget the No Contact rule either. It plays a very important role in this system. Contact will only slow the process down.

 

Will it work?

Well, the idea of the point system is actually not that you're supposed to run to the phone the second you've accumulated the score. The idea is that when you've reached the goal sum, you'll hopefully be a much stronger person who can deal with the ex in a better way. We all know that the key to winning him/her back is to not be clingy, and this is a structured way to becoming more independent.

With that said, it's always good for morale to have goals. Goals have a tendency to drive and inspire us, and that's important in times like this. Try to use the point system to move focus from your ex to yourself. Focus on the things that make you happy, and realize that being happy is the only way to win back your lost love.

 

 

I hope this helps, so far I've been using it for a week and it feels good. I like having a goal to look forward to, a future state where I know I'll be a more independent person. You should try it at least.

[avman]

Hey Something Funny,

 

The one topic per page only applies to the "short" page of 25 topics, not the long one with 100. Your post is just fine.

 

avman

[disEnchantid]

hey something funny

I'm not sure I agree with your point system, it seems to support the belief in one's mind that everything they are doing to improve themself is for the edification of the ex, and this does not seem to be a healthy mindset to me, even if this is not how you intended it. I don't think it is ever okay for the dumpee to initiate contact even if it is months later, because it still sets them up for heartache and disapointment when the ex does not care or appreciate what an improved person they have become. Do these things for yourself, not for the ex or with the goal of contacting your ex in mind.

 

dE

[Something funny]

Well, as I wrote..

 

Try to use the point system to move focus from your ex to yourself.

[disEnchantid]

yes I understood that, but my point was that making the goal contacting your ex, you can never really shift that focus...

[Something funny]

Well, that's why you have to set the bar high. The point is to understand during the journey that it's not the goal that counts, it's the journey itself. As I said, you're not supposed to run to the phone the first thing you do when you've amassed the required points, you're supposed to be somewhere where you've realized that you may not even WANT to do it. That's why dating and meeting other people should give so many points - to make you realize that there are other people than the ex. The point system is supposed to drive the users towards a goal that hopefully won't matter much once they've reached it.

[Spartan1]

I applaud your post Something Funny.

 

It is a very good idea. You have to set yourself a goal other than moping around thinking about your ex, how to get your ex back, how to engineer a meeting with your ex, repeating conversations in your mind, etc. This could work well for some people and I applaud the idea. The focus, is about occupying your time with goals that will aid you first of all. The spin off from all this is, come the day you do meet your ex, you will feel better about yourself than if you had just gone day to day, existing...

 

You will not forget your ex or the trauma of the split. That is not the aim. It is about giving you a goal other than the obvious.

 

During my split I set myself these goals:

 

Physcial improvement: Working out with weights at home, although all the time I was thinking about my wife. This led me to joining a gym and making friends there. Since the split my weight had plummetted to 11 stone and during the time I am now 12 stone eight months later, mostly muscle. As the months rolled on, during the workouts I thought less and less about the ex and more about me starting to feel good about myself. I ain't the most confident in the gym and I am no beef cake - I am just an ordinary bloke trying to get to grips with losing a nine year relationship.

 

Eyesight correction: I always at some stage wanted to correct my short sightedness and ditch my glasses. So I went to Optimax and for £800 got my eyes corrected with laser surgery. Now, I can see the world as I did when I was a kid. This did give me confidence. One more goal completed. It is interesting to note that while I recovered from my laser eye surgery, my wife never called me once. That gave me strength. She didn't care about me and was focusing on herself and now, it dawned on me I had to do the same.

 

Mind improvement: I wanted to do something different. So now I am learning techniques to improve my memory and studying meditation. I want to go to bed at night without thinking about the ex. I refuse to have my head messed with by someone else. So now I occupy my mind with different things. I people watch and with the help of different books I have improved my memory to the point where I am able to remember 15 digit numbers with ease and can now remember more or less every car number plate that I see. My memory skills are improving weekly and it helps me in all walks of life, including study and remember girls names (always a bonus). Mentally I am ten times as strong. Instead of buying books to get over a relationship I invested in books to improve myself and set goals - because I need it.

 

Learning a new language: I have always been useless at languages. I am now learning a new language. Again, it is a mental challenge.

 

What is next? Martial arts. Always wanted to learn a martial art and that will almost complete my goals.

 

My goal shifted from getting my ex back to improving myself so much that I can replace all those good memories with new good memories. When she told me she did not want to get back together and still wanted divorce, I fell back on the workouts I had done, the goals I had set up. In reality, she was divorcing a different husband and that gave me a great deal of satisfaction. If I hadn't changed, if I hadn't set myself goals, if I hadn't made some kind of progress I would of probably topped myself. It felt that bad to lose her. I could not imagine life without her - yet, due to the goals I had set msyelf, there was a way forward.

 

Goal setting is vital for some people. For people like me with little confidence it is a God send. However, for some people it is not needed. They can break up with someone then move straight on to someone else. Different strokes for different people.

 

My next goal, along with the martial arts is social skills. Again, it is a confidence thing. I need to improve my social skills because when I am out sometimes my mind does drift to my ex and it makes me go quiet and reflective, that is no good, it needs to be dealt with and that is what I will deal with and work to change.

 

Sorry for the long ramble. I have learnt from others and I hope others can maybe learn from me even though what I am doing may look a little extreme - I need the kick up the backside or else I would not move on and I am not going to waste my 30's mourning the loss of someone who does not want to be with me.

 

Set yourself a goal. Using a point system is a good idea. But you have to see it through. If things go wrong with your relationship and you don't get back together, you have something to fall back on.

 

The oddist thing about this is also, when we split I prayed to God. It is strange, when facing the loss of something you begin to turn to any means in the hope you can get back together. I am not a religious type and no church goer. A freelance Christian. But even now, eight months on, I still pray just before I go to bed, but my prayers have changed from "Please give me the tools to get back with Kate. Please look after her as I cannot be there myself. I miss her so much.." to "Thankyou for this spark of life you have given me".

 

If I did not do these things. Without a doubt, I would destroy myself emotionally. The good times and good memories still haunt me, but I refuse to give up, especially when there are people out there in a far far worse situation than I am. I draw my inspiration from them.

 

It is not worth debating the technicalities of having a point system. The idea alone has a great deal of value. Maybe not for everyone but it will help a lot of people as they tailor it to their own needs and circumstance.

[Langeveldt]

Hey all

 

Yeah this is an impressive concept! Since my split up i spent months and months down in the dumps, in the awful winter weather just being a complete bore...

 

So my seventeenth birthday passed, and ive slowly come to the realization that I dont need the girl any more (I still love her and want her back like anything though)..

 

She tells me about the guys at school she likes.. I can see where they are different to me.. They play more sport, they are fitter, they are a lot more carefree too...

 

So I have myself a goal to work towards right before my eyes.. I see these guys as competition (despite them being my mates as well ) Anyway at least now i know what she likes, and it isnt me...

 

And, if this fails and she doesnt want this fitter, happier (radiohead song lol) guy back.. Then it isnt the end of the world because Im still a better person at the end of it...

 

Ive been weight training in my home too.. Nothing like that for feeling good about yourself.. I care less about my cricket (it used to get me down) and just go out there with a bit more of a laid back attitude... Im cycling all the time, im around other girls.. im glad to be back at college because thats where my mates are..

Im earning money, earning towards my dream of becoming a pilot through flight training after college... These things add up, above all im happy that i dont need her any more.....

 

[/b]

[Something funny]

Exactly! This is just a structured method for bettering oneself. Sure, it uses the ex as a sort of initial fuel, but let's face it, when you're really missing your ex, you don't have many other driving forces. The point is that in the end of the "game", you have a better chance of getting the ex back OR moving on. If the system works as it should, it makes for a win-win situation.

[fantasia2004]

Good advice something to think about.