For you old timers here

[getting_on_ok]

He initiated contact a couple of times - showed up to a club I was at, left before we could talk, then a few weeks later left a note, with his new number in my house door when I was gone..I called him that day.

 

Well did it work out??

[thistime]

yep, we are still together...2 years after reconnecting.

it has taken alot of work, tho. it didnt go back to exactly the same way it was before. Both of us have/had changed, and there were some issues to work thru...

and try not to view your past with her through rose colored glasses. Sometimes we only remember the good things...but the bad things will still exist, you have to learn a new way to deal with them.

[getting_on_ok]

How long were you broken up for?

[thistime]

end of August of 2004 thru August 2007...so I guess 3 years

[getting_on_ok]

end of August of 2004 thru August 2007...so I guess 3 years

 

Wow that is a long time!!! I hope it works out.

[thistime]

Wow that is a long time!!! I hope it works out.

 

my bf just corrected me. We were split up 4 years...

[Brownstone322]

Do recognize how unappealing all those breakup/makeup cycles must have been to her, especially in the course of a single year? I can see how she got tired of those antics. And while you may have suspected her of "emotionally cheating" (a trendy concept, by the way), she probably saw you as insecure. So what if she looked at or confided in other men? Did you have any actual evidence that she intended to do anything more than that? Then you outright told her you didn't trust her? Bad move. I suspect she may be a bit of a button-pusher (my ex was), but your own words suggest that you might have controlling tendencies, and most women are strongly put off by that. That's something to think hard about.

 

 

 

First, let's acknowledge the irony. Apparently she still confides in guys. That was bad before, but now it's a valued source of information? (Think about that for a bit too.) Then consider this (which should be obvious enough): If she has specifically confided in the guy, then there's no reason he'd tell you what she said. That'd be exactly what he's not supposed to do.

 

 

 

Well, it hasn't been all that long (only two months total). I can tell you have some important issues of your own to resolve (although I don't know if you fully recognize this or not), so you might come to appreciate the value of an extended separation. She probably has anger and resentment that haven't subsided yet as well, and that, more than anything else, is probably why she hasn't called. I say give her more time.

 

 

 

Personality is an important consideration. The idea that "a person in love will do anything to contact you" sounds like a myth that people repeat here rather than a fact, and circumstances probably don't work that way anyhow. This isn't a movie script. At best, your ex might be contemplating "attempting to start over," which is a far cry from "being in love and doing whatever it takes to reconnect." Someone contemplating a new start is likely to harbor doubts and exhibit hesitancy. Combine that with a passive personality, and she might not actually contact you at all, at least not any time soon.

 

 

 

I've asked this of others before, so I'll ask you: Do you want to reunite, or do you want to win? I can see how you would like for her to contact you (I’d like the same thing in my case), but I don't think it's that important, especially since I accept my share of blame for our breakup. My ex doesn't owe me anything. If it's truly that important to you that she "cave," then it supports my suspicion that you have a controlling personality type, and maybe that played an important part in your rocky relationship and eventual breakup. Have you ever taken a Myers-Briggs test? It might be interesting to see how you score.

[baffled]

She is passive. I think if a person is in love that they will do anything to be with the other person. If they were the dumper.

 

Personality is an important consideration. The idea that "a person in love will do anything to contact you" sounds like a myth that people repeat here rather than a fact, and circumstances probably don't work that way anyhow. This isn't a movie script. At best, your ex might be contemplating "attempting to start over," which is a far cry from "being in love and doing whatever it takes to reconnect." Someone contemplating a new start is likely to harbor doubts and exhibit hesitancy. Combine that with a passive personality, and she might not actually contact you at all, at least not any time soon.

 

 

 

Yes, yes, I see the irony in that it's a TV show. And I hope this clip doesn't make everyone on this forum think, "OMG! I've gotta fight for my ex!" But I love the quote and I think there's a lot of truth to it. And yes, take your ex's personality into consideration before you take it as some absolute truth that SHE has to contact YOU since you were dumped.

[getting_on_ok]

I just took that test I am ENPL. You know I will take this and look at myself, maybe I do have a controlling personality. I do love her if I wanted to win I would of contacted her already, got back together and dumped her. In my heart I don't think its right for me to contact her.

 

Believe me when I say the information is legit. And I think your right I need to give it time.

 

Maybe I am insecure as well, but I know that I told her that her staring at other men while she was with me was hurting me. And she continued to display this behavior which is disrespectful.

 

As for the confiding in men, if you knew these types of men then you would understand the problem.

[getting_on_ok]

 

Yes, yes, I see the irony in that it's a TV show. And I hope this clip doesn't make everyone on this forum think, "OMG! I've gotta fight for my ex!" But I love the quote and I think there's a lot of truth to it. And yes, take your ex's personality into consideration before you take it as some absolute truth that SHE has to contact YOU since you were dumped.

 

I really like that clip. Because I think we all love being in love

[tihash]

Once I had a GF of 4 years. She dumped me. We were NC for 3-4 months, and out of the blue she contacted me. We eventually got back together.

 

Same girl dumps me a year later. We stay LC until she tells me 6 months later she is getting married (I was shoicked and didn't even know she was dating!). That is the last I spoke to her. She called me out of the blue 2.5 years later after 2.5 years of NC. She left a message and I did not return the call.

 

My most recent breakup (different girl this time) was 2 weeks ago. I told her since she was the dumper I wouldn't be contacting her, and it was on her to contact me if her feeling ever changed. (She said she fell out of love, and she met someone else).

[getting_on_ok]

Once I had a GF of 4 years. She dumped me. We were NC for 3-4 months, and out of the blue she contacted me. We eventually got back together.

 

Same girl dumps me a year later. We stay LC until she tells me 6 months later she is getting married (I was shoicked and didn't even know she was dating!). That is the last I spoke to her. She called me out of the blue 2.5 years later after 2.5 years of NC. She left a message and I did not return the call.

 

My most recent breakup (different girl this time) was 2 weeks ago. I told her since she was the dumper I wouldn't be contacting her, and it was on her to contact me if her feeling ever changed. (She said she fell out of love, and she met someone else).

 

Wow, I am sorry to hear about that man.

[tihash]

I'm doing ok. The most recent GF was better than the one before, and my next will be better than the most recent.

 

The moral of the story is yes, sometimes they do come back, even after years of NC. You can't wait around for it. But life can be surprising sometimes.

[jul-els]

I "know the difference" among pronouns, if that's what you mean. When you write in the second person, you're not referring to "personal experience" -- you're advising the reader as to what to expect from his experience. You most certainly were generalizing.

 

Next time write, "For me, when I broke up, it was for a reason. The reason was that I needed to move on." That would be a reflection on personal experience and would be understood as such. Clear writing will take you places.

 

Being snide and condescending will take you nowhere. If you don't like what I have to say, that's fine. Show some decorum and keep it to yourself.

[getting_on_ok]

I was wondering if anyone else had any suggestions. I know I had a part in the break up but now I am getting mixed signals. Why do I care? Why are my hopes up?

[Lonewing]

The problem is, they have crushed you before, so what makes you confident that they won't crush you again?

 

Hence, I too have to stay strong...even if I wanted that person.

[waveseer]

You know, there's a part of me that is just so tenacious, I have to know even if it's bad news. No matter how many times or how badly I am hurt, I know I can heal and I'd rather rest easy knowing I did the best I could then wonder for the rest of my life if I could have done better.

[thistime]

I was wondering if anyone else had any suggestions. I know I had a part in the break up but now I am getting mixed signals. Why do I care? Why are my hopes up?

 

You are taking a risk by getting your hopes up of a reconciliation, but you are also NOT taking a risk...and possibly passing up something that could be great.

Love, and relationships are ALWAYS a risk. There are no guarantees things will work out...and yes, it is quite possible you will get your heart broken again. Do you feel you have taken stock of what part your behavior played in the breakup, and can you change those behaviors in order to make another go of it?

I guess you have to ask yourself these questions:

 

if you do not persue the possiblity of reconnecting with her, will you be willing to accept that, or is trying again, with the knowledge you may get hurt, worth the risk?

How much do you still care for her? is she worth a second try?

[Brownstone322]

I just took that test I am ENPL. You know I will take this and look at myself, maybe I do have a controlling personality.

I don't think there's any such thing as "ENPL."

[waveseer]

I don't think there's any such thing as "ENPL."

 

Extravert/Intuitive/Perception/and I'm guessing thinking rather than feeling?

[doiiiieeezie]

I don't think there's any such thing as "ENPL."

 

Not on the Myers Briggs. I'm INTJ... but you know, I don't hold weight in that on whether my ex or I are are compatible or not. That would be like saying I should only date Aries men on a full moon when the water is calm.

[Brownstone322]

Not on the Myers Briggs. I'm INTJ... but you know, I don't hold weight in that on whether my ex or I are are compatible or not. That would be like saying I should only date Aries men on a full moon when the water is calm.

If you go back and read the thread, you'll see that that's not what we're getting at. I had said, based on his comments, that maybe he has a controlling personality and I wondered what his Myers-Briggs type might be (that is, I wondered if we had something objective to support my casual impression).

 

You'll also see that I suggested that his insecurities and controlling behaviors might have rubbed his ex the wrong way, because that rubs lots of people the wrong way. No one ever commented as to whether their personalties are "compatible" or not. But his personality (controlling?) might have played a role on the breakup, and her personality (introverted?) might play a role in whether or not she'd be compelled to contact him.

[doiiiieeezie]

If you go back and read the thread, you'll see that that's not what we're getting at. I had said, based on his comments, that maybe he has a controlling personality and I wondered what his Myers-Briggs type might be (that is, I wondered if we had something objective to support my casual impression).

 

You'll also see that I suggested that his insecurities and controlling behaviors might have rubbed his ex the wrong way, because that rubs lots of people the wrong way. No one ever commented as to whether their personalties are "compatible" or not. But his personality (controlling?) might have played a role on the breakup, and her personality (introverted?) might play a role in whether or not she'd be compelled to contact him.

 

I know where the thread was going to, but alas I did use sarcasm on a friday morning. For shame.

 

His personality type may be an inhibitor to his ex contacting him. He may be controlling which to a passive person is a big turn off, or perhaps she is freaked out at the possibilities, no one knows, only she does. I do think that he should send out a feeler to see how she is and go from there. (which is against the dumpees manual, I know). My point was before that I don't hold weight on tests, but how two people work out the issues they have to become stronger individuals.

 

Take a chance, OP.