For you old timers here

[getting_on_ok]

but would this work when a women breaks up with a man?

[jul-els]

Seems to be the response you always give

 

I have no idea what you're referring to. Obviously neither do you.

 

What kind of advice was that, anyway? Of course people "break up for a reason." Thing is, those reasons are all over the map -- some are trivial (never shoulda broken up to begin with), some are resolvable over time (through painful separation), and some are irreversible (maybe they shouldn't have been together at all). It should be obvious that it depends on the circumstances and that generalizations like that are just about worthless.

 

I was speaking on personal experience, not generalizing. You should know the difference before you start judging the opinions of others.

[LillyLooWho]

Hmmm....I don't think it matters if the dumper is a man or a woman.

[getting_on_ok]

Because I heard that it is easier for a women to get over the break up

[LillyLooWho]

That may be true. But look at this forum, at how many men would be thrilled to hear that their ex's want to reconcile. Yearning is yearning right?

[Tired Tiger]

'NC', in and of itself, isn't really a strategy for reconciliation (at least not as it's suggested regularly). The amount and type of interaction depends on the individual circumstances. It could just as easily be a detriment to cut off all contact as it could help... depending on who you're dealing with. Sure, it may make someone miss their ex... but it could also reinforce their decision to end it (think those with self-esteem and rejection issues).

 

With every break up in my past, I simply went NC (though I didn't call it that... more just a matter of respecting their boundaries). Not one "came back". I have had situations after the fact, and an actual reconciliation, but these things were not related to any sort of "NC" thing. They just sort of happened. In my current situation, I know that having semi-regular contact has given both of us a much better understanding of each other, and (I believe) a FAR better chance of working things out... eventually. Had I "gone NC" immediately, I would probably be resentful (of things I would assume - even if they weren't true), and she would likely have assumed I simply didn't care enough to fight for her. That doesn't mean I have any guarantees, but I know what to do to get this right should we try. I can't say that would be the case had we not had the discussions we've had.

[coolchick64]

I totally agree. NC is great for two things---protecting yourself and not alienating your ex with unwelcome advances. But it's not the right answer all of the time. There are times when you need to know something, even if it's going to hurt. And there are times when you need to open back up to someone if you want them back. The trick is deciding when to do it and when not to do it.

[thistime]

in my expirience, time really is the key. NC maybe a good idea, as it hurts too much to constantly be reminded of the breakup, due to contact. If NC is applied, and the 2 people can sort of "move on" then a few yeras down the road, even if they have not seen or spoken to each other, and they still feel a want and connectedness to the other person, then they may choose to find the other and reconnect.

It happened this way with my BF and I...after 3 years. He and I both had other relationships during that time, but when they didnt work out, he reached out to me, and we reconciled. i know it's lame and cliche...but if the two are meant to be, then they will be.

[doh]

in my expirience, time really is the key. NC maybe a good idea, as it hurts too much to constantly be reminded of the breakup, due to contact. If NC is applied, and the 2 people can sort of "move on" then a few yeras down the road, even if they have not seen or spoken to each other, and they still feel a want and connectedness to the other person, then they may choose to find the other and reconnect.

It happened this way with my BF and I...after 5 years. He and I both had other relationships during that time, but when they didnt work out, he reached out to me, and we reconciled. i know it's lame and cliche...but if the two are meant to be, then they will be.

 

Who broke up with who?

[BriarRose]

NC will not bring people together, so it shouldn't be "used" for that. I find people sometimes get back together after LC. Usually what happens is the dumper will contact dumpee after the current relationship has gone South. At this point either the dumper has moved on, or will take them back and then a few months later you read about the same thing happening again.

[Talus]

My ex came back after NC... It depends on the situation though and the reasoning. So many factors come into play. But NC helped my ex clear her mind and figure out what she wanted it.

 

Anyways only lasted another 3 months and we're broken up, this time for a different, unavoidable reason that was just tearing us apart. There's still hope though a couple yrs down the track.

 

Anyways, NC is about healing. Use it as such. Let them churn over thoughts of you all they want but NC is about you, not them. Once that sinks in and you accept it, it'll become easier.

[Brownstone322]

Well what is your opinion to the original question?

If you must know, the question itself was so vague that there's really no useful answer. I once got back together with an ex after a year and a half of "NC," although I didn't even know the term "NC" at the time, and I certainly didn't "use" it for anything -- I had given up on her and essentially forgotten about her. I'd gotten on with my life, which wasn't half bad anyway. Then one day she called me out of nowhere.

 

On the other hand, you might cease contact and find that there never will be any more contact, because the other party doesn't want it. As I said before, breakups and their outcomes are all over the map.

 

In my judgment, all that should be obvious.

[Brownstone322]

I was speaking on personal experience, not generalizing. You should know the difference before you start judging the opinions of others.

I "know the difference" among pronouns, if that's what you mean. When you write in the second person, you're not referring to "personal experience" -- you're advising the reader as to what to expect from his experience. You most certainly were generalizing.

 

Next time write, "For me, when I broke up, it was for a reason. The reason was that I needed to move on." That would be a reflection on personal experience and would be understood as such. Clear writing will take you places.

[thistime]

Who broke up with who?

 

I broke up with him, but he was the one who initiated contact after the 3 years had passed...

[getting_on_ok]

If you must know, the question itself was so vague that there's really no useful answer. I once got back together with an ex after a year and a half of "NC," although I didn't even know the term "NC" at the time, and I certainly didn't "use" it for anything -- I had given up on her and essentially forgotten about her. I'd gotten on with my life, which wasn't half bad anyway. Then one day she called me out of nowhere.

 

On the other hand, you might cease contact and find that there never will be any more contact, because the other party doesn't want it. As I said before, breakups and their outcomes are all over the map.

 

In my judgment, all that should be obvious.

 

Well then let me elaborate, My ex broke up with me, I in turn went NC right away, no begging or pleading. Now I hear that she misses me and loves me and people are telling me to reach out to her. I find myself at a cross road because i don't believe that I should pursue her if she was the one that dismissed me.

[thistime]

Well then let me elaborate, My ex broke up with me, I in turn went NC right away, no begging or pleading. Now I hear that she misses me and loves me and people are telling me to reach out to her. I find myself at a cross road because i don't believe that I should pursue her if she was the one that dismissed me.

 

I agree with you...however, if the same people you are hearing stuff from could possibly relay to her...thru the grapevine of course, that she should contact you, then things may turn out differently.

i dont want to give you false hope.

I also dont want you to believe there is no way this could work out.

Life is about taking chances...how willing are you to put yourself out there again with this woman?

[Brownstone322]

Well then let me elaborate, My ex broke up with me, I in turn went NC right away, no begging or pleading. Now I hear that she misses me and loves me and people are telling me to reach out to her. I find myself at a cross road because i don't believe that I should pursue her if she was the one that dismissed me.

Well, my god, man, why didn't you give us that information to begin with?

 

Some background might be in order. How old are you guys? How long were you together? What kinda of relationship (and breakup) experience do you both have? How long ago did you break up, and why?

 

If you really went "NC" right away with no begging or pleading, then you're way ahead of most everyone else. Most of us (myself included) will admit to at least a brief period of begging, pleading and general disarray. If you never showed her yourself at your worst, then pat yourself on the back.

 

Narrower questions:

 

1. How accurate do you think the "misses you and loves you" information is? Do you believe your sources? (And thistime makes a good point: Could you run the grapevine in reverse? Back channels can work wonders.)

 

2. Have you heard any indication that she might be contemplating contacting you?

 

3. What's her personality like? Is she aggressive or passive? Do you think she'd pursue you if she wanted to? Would she be hesitant to "crawl back"?

 

4. I probably agree in principle that she should contact you ('course I don't know exactly why she left, but it'd certainly be convenient for you), but how important is that principle in the overall scheme?

 

This thread has suddenly gotten interesting ...

[getting_on_ok]

I agree with you...however, if the same people you are hearing stuff from could possibly relay to her...thru the grapevine of course, that she should contact you, then things may turn out differently.

i dont want to give you false hope.

I also dont want you to believe there is no way this could work out.

Life is about taking chances...how willing are you to put yourself out there again with this woman?

 

See here is the thing, my friend is getting this information from someone that is close to her. However I don't understand why she wouldn't just reach out to me. I mean if you break up with someone and you want them back then wouldn't you think they would take the initiative? I don't think I am ready right now to contact her. I really think its up to her.

 

I really like this saying:

 

Treasure doesn't look for pirates.

[getting_on_ok]

I will get back to you on this one. I have to get ready for work, however, I am glad that you asked these questions.

[thistime]

she is probably ashamed and embarrassed about being the dumper...and now wanting you back. She is also wondering how you feel about her..maybe she believes you to be angry about the situation.

I know my bf was very angry for a long time after our breakup. i didnt dare contact him, as I didnt know what was going on in his life, and didnt want to disrupt anything for him.

I also didnt know if i could face the rejection.

[getting_on_ok]

I am 30 she is 25, a little more then a year, I've been in several relationships. Most of them I was dumped. She has been in relationships were the men she dated were addicted to porn. And one of them was a cocaine addict. Its been 2 months since she dumped me. We were arguing throughout our relationship. Partly was because I felt like she was emotionally cheating on me. When I say this, I mean that she would stare at other men in front of me, even after I told her it made me uncomfortable. On top of this she would confide in other men, and tell everybody about our arguments. Therefore, every time a small argument would occur, I would think about these components and in turn break up with her. That would last for about a couple of days and then I would crawl back to her. She would take me back no problem.

 

In the past couple months of our relationship she became distant and told me she was sad because of the breakups. She wasn't calling me as much and or texting. She was snapping about everything. I tried my best, I let things go when I thought she was acting irrational. I started to go to counseling, I started a journal, I prayed everyday and night, I thought I had an anger problem. I had to call her out so one day I called her and asked why she wasn't call as much. And that started an argument, I stated that sometimes I don't trust her because of the things that were happening. She asked me oh so you don't trust well then were over. I tried to change her mind a little and then she said she had to go. I let her go, and she calls me back after going by her friends. She states that she wants me to call her when I get better and I am fixed. She tells me she needs space. I tell her I agree, now that I look at it she was triggering my jealousy. The next day she tells me to call her counselor which confuses me even more. The counselor told me that I should be her friend while she took this break and that she believes that we are very compatible and my ex really wants to marry me. Right after that I went no contact. I sent her a greeting on her birthday and she was very cold, then she drops off my stuff at my doorstep.

 

Narrower answers:

 

1. I believe it because it is coming from one of my best friends. He is actually getting this from a person that she confides in. The only problem was that I was with the guy that she confides in, however, he never said anything about it.

 

2. Yes, I guess she asked about calling me, however I think someone might be telling her not to, who knows really.

 

3. She is passive. I think if a person is in love that they will do anything to be with the other person. If they were the dumper.

 

4. For me it is very important, I don't think it will work in the long run if I contact her.

[getting_on_ok]

she is probably ashamed and embarrassed about being the dumper...and now wanting you back. She is also wondering how you feel about her..maybe she believes you to be angry about the situation.

I know my bf was very angry for a long time after our breakup. i didnt dare contact him, as I didnt know what was going on in his life, and didnt want to disrupt anything for him.

I also didnt know if i could face the rejection.

 

Did you do the dumping?

[thistime]

Did you do the dumping?

 

Yes, I broke it off with him

[getting_on_ok]

Yes, I broke it off with him

 

So what happen did you get back together?

[thistime]

He initiated contact a couple of times - showed up to a club I was at, left before we could talk, then a few weeks later left a note, with his new number in my house door when I was gone..I called him that day.