Lonewing Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 A woman should never "go after" a man. She's setting herself up for failure if she "goes after" him. That defies the biological role of a woman. In the natural order of proper courtship, it is the male that actively pursues the female. If a man is truly interested in a woman, he will make it quite obvious with action (not words). I object. We are no longer in the age of Paternalism - we are in the age of equal rights for all. What that means, ladies, is that you have the equal right to pursue what you want as guys do. Just as your role has been redefined in those areas where you wanted equal rights, it has also been redefined everywhere else too except in childbearing. I find cuddling to be a very close, intimate experience - and no, I do not separate the physical from the emotional - cuddling to me is a very emotional experierience far beyond jsut the physcial component. the feeling that comes frorm just knowing that this person cares back is out of this world. He may be really awkward and slow with the whole dating thing - not a very successful person when it comes to this sort of thing. Before you cuddle again...you might spring the "will you be with me exclusively" question. I guess i'm more woman than man, but in this age men are being mroe encouraged to get in touch with their softer sides while women get in touch with their harder sides. it's not that bad of a compromise, really. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 "the way a male thinks"? I have never asked out a girl, I've always been asked out by the girl. And I started with my wife as her friend and we would cuddle out on the play structure in the park at night. We did that for months before we even kissed (let alone did anything else physical). If we want to go by how stereotypical men and how stereotypical women think, I am far more of a woman then a man. For younger people (i.e. people in their teens and 20's), a woman asking a man out may work as it did in your case. At 35 (my age) a woman is seen as a desperate biological clock ticking gal when she asks a man out. Sure at 35, I can ask a man out. It might result in a one night stand or an extended sexual fling. However, I assure you, it won't result in a relationship of the exclusive, committed kind. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Do you want to go out on a date and discuss this? Let me warn you first-at 35, I am interested in a serious committed relationship with the potential for marriage and children. Are you still interested Link to comment
OreEle Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Do you want to go out on a date and discuss this? Let me warn you first-at 35, I am interested in a serious committed relationship with the potential for marriage and children. Are you still interested I'm already married, but if I wasn't I'd go on a date to see how things worked out. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I'm already married, but if I wasn't I'd go on a date to see how things worked out. You're sweet Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I know you have good intentions, but.... You're giving male advice-in other words, advice that will work for a man pursuing a woman. This advice is sound for you because this is the way a male thinks. Men may be initially flattered by being pursued by a woman, but eventually, the man loses interest in a pursuity woman. Take it from a woman (who has pursued men in the past and has mega experience in testing this theory), this advice doesn't bode well for women who are interested in relationships of the exclusive, committed kind. My ex pursued me and I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her. She decided after some time she could not give me everythign in life she felt I deserved, so she set me free. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 My ex pursued me and I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her. She decided after some time she could not give me everythign in life she felt I deserved, so she set me free. I am sorry it did not work out with you and your ex. On a side note, when I reflect back on my dating experiences, I felt special, feminine and cherished when the man pursued me. It did not feel natural/feminine for me to pursue a man. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Do you want to go out on a date and discuss this? Let me warn you first-at 35, I am interested in a serious committed relationship with the potential for marriage and children. Are you still interested Well, i would be, IF I was 32-35 myself. I just got out of a relationship with someone 4.5 years older than me, it didn't work out due to some fundamental differences that were partially age divides. For example, she had been through the child bearing part of life, I haven't yet started. You;re jsut going ot have to find a decnet guy [i know, it's really hard to find girls too] Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I am sorry it did not work out with you and your ex. On a side note, when I reflect back on my dating experiences, I felt special, feminine and cherished when the man pursued me. It did not feel natural/feminine for me to pursue a man. then wait for a traditional man to notice you - or put yourslef so clsoe to him he HAS to notice you - haha Link to comment
OreEle Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I'll agree that ideally, it is more "classically romantic" for the man to go after the women, and that playing hard to get (or at least pretending to resist and making him chase) works for a lot of men, but you don't want him to give up and stop trying. You guys have already done (what I consider) very romantic things (cuddling without having to have sex), granted they aren't the most romantic things in the world, but they aren't level 1 romance things either. You already have somewhat of a past and somewhat of a relationship. And for any relationship to survive and grow, both people need to put effort into it. Link to comment
fatcat1999 Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 kissing to me is more platonic, spooning is sextual. I can just kiss a guy and stop, but spooning arouses me as well as him. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 then wait for a traditional man to notice you - or put yourslef so clsoe to him he HAS to notice you - haha Exactly Link to comment
servedcold Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I would not advise cuddling with a man you're not exclusive with. Women have a chemical called oxytocin that circulates in our bloodstream. It causes you to bond with the man you cuddle with. You're not going to get any truly intoxicating levels of oxytocin unless you orgasm regularly with the same person, and you should hold on tight to any guy who can give you O's by just cuddling and spooning Link to comment
mmike Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 A woman should never "go after" a man. She's setting herself up for failure if she "goes after" him. That defies the biological role of a woman. In the natural order of proper courtship, it is the male that actively pursues the female. If a man is truly interested in a woman, he will make it quite obvious with action (not words). Let me add a little more that is slightly contradictory to Hosswhispra's theory: Male apes (Chimps, Bonobo, Gorilla, etc.). The alpha males (the ones who mate most often) don't chase females around and try to convince them to choose them that way. The way they attract females is to stay where they are and mostly act indifferent. This is after they have made major public power displays like macho activities like chasing/fighting other males, intimidating vocalizations, extreme and dramatic athletic activities, etc. to make sure all in their society know who is alpha..after that all it takes is barely moving toward a female to win her and if she is not receptive he just ignores her and moves on. Chasing/trying to convince a woman to be attracted to you usually backfires and at the best does not spark a strong attraction in the woman. This is not intuitive to most men and so we often chase but we learn the hard way when most women we chase run for the hills...can any women vouch that men who are persistent and "chase" are total turnoffs? And for women what IS the difference between acceptable pursuing and pesty chasing? Link to comment
Perfection Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Cuddling/holding hands with a guy means something romantic to me....but it did not mean anything romantic to this guy. This guy actually tore my heart apart too. Be careful with who you cuddle/spoon/hold hands with. Make sure you're on the same page....otherwise you can get hurt like I did. it works the same the other way round too. she used to do the same to me and i thought it all meant more than what it meant to her. used to cuddle and spoon with me and i loved it. i was on top of the world whenever that happened. but then i was kicked away like a stray dog to the curb with "i'm not in love with you and i don't think that's going to change in the future". so basically i think she felt alone and just wanted a body. Link to comment
Knight of Hope Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 it works the same the other way round too. she used to do the same to me and i thought it all meant more than what it meant to her. used to cuddle and spoon with me and i loved it. i was on top of the world whenever that happened. but then i was kicked away like a stray dog to the curb with "i'm not in love with you and i don't think that's going to change in the future". so basically i think she felt alone and just wanted a body. Agreed. Neither gender is innocent here. Maybe if we were just honest with each other? (Yeah, I know how hard that is) Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 spooning leads to forking. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 spooning leads to forking. my thoughts exactly. lol. i see you just posted this too. i know some guys are too scared to make a move and will spoon a girl hoping for more. Link to comment
Perfection Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Maybe if we were just honest with each other? (Yeah, I know how hard that is) things would be a bajillion times easier than what they are now. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 things would be a bajillion times easier than what they are now. that's why you ask or make a move if you want answers. moves are best. Link to comment
Perfection Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 that's why you ask or make a move if you want answers. moves are best. i did make a move. and she managed to string me along for 6 months. i did it for a few reasons. i liked her, i wanted to be with her, in the end i did not want to look back and think i didn't give it my best etc. Link to comment
jahur Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 i absolutley adore spooning my partner esp when our bodies entwine and arms interlock and can kiss each other, wow wow i love it! but in my experience it has to be with the right women/man to feel right, there has to be THAT connection! god i love it! phew somebody splash me!!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I don't think you can generalize beyond the simple fact that a person who encourages physical contact with another person by making physical contact probably wants that physical contact. There could be many reasons other than that that he wants to spoon/cuddle - he may simply like the warm body contat, he may be interested in dating you, he may be interested in having sex with you, he might be cold. A far better indicator of whether he is interested in a potential relationship with you is how he acts outside of bed and specifically whether he asks you out on dates he plans in advance. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 i did make a move. and she managed to string me along for 6 months. i did it for a few reasons. i liked her, i wanted to be with her, in the end i did not want to look back and think i didn't give it my best etc. wow, for 6 months? no returns on affection for a few times i'd be out. Link to comment
jahur Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 wow, for 6 months? no returns on affection for a few times i'd be out. gee it would be a week at least for me to smell the coffee, im a very physical person, not clingy, just know that a spoon/cuddle speaks volumes. my so squeezes the hell outa me when we hug, thats nice and reassuring! Link to comment
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