Wishing your ex well in your heart.

[waveseer]

I used to wish my ex well in my heart all the time with that tiny little hope that the universe would be affected by my attitude and bring him back to me. lol

 

Now that I have gotten duly angry with him, indignant about the way he treated me, and disgusted by his lack of compassion I am ready to forgive.

 

I no longer want him back. I never really had him to begin with. If I'd been in my right mind from the beginning I would never have accepted his request that I wait for him. It's not my style to be a partial participant in life even for one day and especially for the one day that is today.

 

So, now it is time to forgive again this time with no ulterior motive. He had some really great qualities and I truly admire him for them. I will always believe that he is a great person who, just like the rest of us, is muddling through the best he can.

 

I know that there was a time he wanted things to work out for us, maybe not as much as I did but my desire would have been difficult to match by anyone. Both of us made mistakes and neither of us truly knew what we were doing. Both of us have apologized and both of us have accepted the others apology.

 

I wish the same good things for him that I wish for myself, health, happiness, fulfillment, joy, companionship, security, hope, and love.

 

Be well, be happy, and be free.

 

 

[90_hour_sleep]

beautiful. true compassion is always very much appreciated. i know you're not looking...but thanks for sharing.

 

i also enjoyed your first sentence. that could very well be a self-help catch phrase. maybe you've found your calling!!

 

maybe not...

 

 

 

night

[waveseer]

beautiful. true compassion is always very much appreciated. i know you're not looking...but thanks for sharing.

 

i also enjoyed your first sentence. that could very well be a self-help catch phrase. maybe you've found your calling!!

 

maybe not...

 

 

 

night

 

Thanks for reading and commenting, I heal more permanently by interacting with others and you've been of outstanding assistance to me.

 

I think I was looking, equally to be heard as well as to offer my experience to help someone else. I like that we're all in this together.

 

If you were referring to the muddling line, you can thank my mom since I lifted it from her.

 

I guess my calling is to pass on my mother's wisdom. lol

[90_hour_sleep]

it's really a true measure of empathy, to understand that the people that hurt us are struggling and hurting as well. often it's the hurt within them that leads them to hurt us. for some, that sounds as though you're robbing them of their justified anger...which can be difficult to accept. they want to feel validated in their state of anger...of the injustice that they are suffering because of another. it's a true measure of humanity to look beyond that...to put your own sense of self aside (even for only a moment) and realize the pain of the one that hurt you. it's also liberating...a true measure of growth.

 

 

[itsallgrand]

That's wonderful! Must feel so freeing.

 

I can not lie. Though there is no ill will in my heart at this point for the long gone ex, there is still a part that does not completely embrace that "wish only the best for you". Actually, there is a part that is still in reserve that would find a lot of humour to see him step on a banana peel.

 

But that's a long ways for me, from the initial and too-long-lasting burning anger when I left him. The blame is gone, I'm at peace with him being who is he and my being who I am.

 

Just being honest, to even think of him enjoying all the best is to me...more amusing than anything. Does this make sense. I don't begrudge it, and wouldn't want him to suffer, but if it came to helping him on his way to it, that's where my heart is at a loss.

 

Gee, feel like a jerk admitting it. But it is what it is.

[waveseer]

Just so you know, I didn't get this way by virtue. About 22 years ago I was holding enough resentment to kill myself with. Learning to align my humanity with someone else was imperative for survival. Some good qualities are developed with planning and some are forged by desperation.

[waveseer]

That's wonderful! Must feel so freeing.

 

 

Gee, feel like a jerk admitting it. But it is what it is.

 

It is freeing, lightening, and it brings me peace.

 

It's totally okay to be where you're at in the process. When you are ready you will take the next step.

[90_hour_sleep]

well that's not such a bad thing...lol...made me laugh, anyway.

 

and you're so right...it is what it is...it cannot be any different. if it's different tomorrow...it will still be what it is.

[thejigsup]

We can only be the best human we can be, and that means wishing our fellow man nothing but the best, even if they don't deserve it. Remember, none of us really deserve that. We are all flawed and have acted selfishly at one time or another. I never try to hurt anyone on purpose, but I know I have. I sure wouldn't want anyone wishing bad things for because of this, so I don't wish it for anyone else.

[waveseer]

We can only be the best human we can be, and that means wishing our fellow man nothing but the best, even if they don't deserve it. Remember, none of us really deserve that. We are all flawed and have acted selfishly at one time or another. I never try to hurt anyone on purpose, but I know I have. I sure wouldn't want anyone wishing bad things for because of this, so I don't wish it for anyone else.

 

Lovely post, thank you.

[journeynow]

This is a good encouraging thread to read. Waveseer, I am so glad you've reached this point. It is a big step in healing, IMO. I want to be there, too, and am there at times, when I can hold a bigger perspective. At other times I feel sad and lost in the moving on process. It is a process, but I wish I could snap out of this and fully be the happy and loving person I want to be.

[WomanWriter]

This sounds good and healthy, Waveseer. I'm glad you are getting to the acceptance stage. I feel like I am getting there myself as I muddle through the rage at my own ex.

 

I tried to forgive my ex before too, but it wasn't time. The forgiveness was not fully realized because I still had a lot of unresolved anger and I still had him on a pedestal.

 

Last night, I thought over all the things I've been writing about him on here, and then I remembered a lot of the good things that happened before the end.

 

All in all, there was a balance. I don't think my ex was a bad guy either...that is, he didn't have bad intentions. He was just unhealthy and so was I. I really doubt he meant to hurt me. He was just trying to protect his self-image and didn't know how to go about it.

 

He had been blocked on Facebook, but I figured I don't want to block someone I shared my life with for 7 years, even if he got jerky at the end. More than anything, we were best friends for several years...and he was a good one at one time. It's sad that things happened like this.

 

I don't want him back either and don't plan to talk to him any time soon. But I want to wish him well in my heart too because it just doesn't feel right not too...I was estranged from my father for years and it's like the same thing...for a while, I hated my dad. But life is too short and I don't want to hate my dad anymore. Just because we can't be close doesn't mean he wasn't part of my life.

 

Maybe we really have to rage before we can truly forgive.

 

I was reminded of the changing season this morning when I heard a gaggle of geese flying accross the sky (probably flying south for the winter). I felt a little sad, as it reminded me that the fall and winter seasons will be returning once again without my ex and life will continue to move on without him. It's very bittersweet because I don't actively miss him, but I do miss what we shared and wish we could be friends again someday.

 

Anyhow, your post gives me hope.I'm sure there will always be "those days" but fewer rather than more is better!

[thedude27]

Its a great feeling to get to that point. Congratulations He was lucky to have you since you truly have shown him an act of love by forgiving him at the same time you gave yourself one too.

[SnowFox]

Its strange for me. Although my ex abruptly dumping me out of the blue hurt me extremely deeply, I seem to have moved past most of the negative feelings at this point (2.5 months).

 

For me, it was like I had almost 2 years of being perfectly content in the relationship, treated absolutely wonderfully and with total respect, and then he dumped me. Its like the ratio of good to bad is 99:1, in my overall experience of him, with the "1" being the break-up.

 

I also have worked extremely hard not to take his behavior personally. I repeatedly tell myself that all his actions are completely about him and not about me. I've always viewed the break up as him getting caught in a downward spiral of negative emotions about his own life and our relationship was the collateral damage of his inability to cope with that downward spiral.

 

Also throughout this process, at many points, I have truly and honestly felt that if I was not the right one for him (although I believe in my heart that I am), that I want him to find the one who is, that I want him to be happy in life. I've always felt like I've had a selfless level of love for him, even when we were together. I always felt like while I enjoyed being loved by him, I enjoyed loving him and making his life better more. He is the only person I've ever had this level of love for.

 

I find myself questioning whether I can honestly feel this way- feeling like I am stronger than the hurt his actions caused me. It seems like I should still feel extremely hurt, rejected, angry, etc. But I can't say that I do. It feels like my feelings of compassion for him are stronger than those other feelings. They weren't a month or two ago, but they seem to be now. I find myself wondering if I am deluding myself.

 

I think the real test of course would be if he tried to reconcile. Then I would be forced to confront whether this state of mind would remain in place. I think feelings of insecurity, hurt, anger, etc, would probably be triggered in me, but they seem to be more on the surface. Underneath the more surface emotions, there is a deep love that will probably never go away.

[Thornbirds18]

Good post. I used to hope him and her to be crushed. But now my anger begins to subside and I feel more indifferent. Yesterday after I took a nap I suddenly realized that I need to truly truly let him go and wish him happiness. I cried again, after four months, to mourn one more last time. Guess what, I feel like that my heart regained peace again, after I decided not to hold the hope of him coming back. I realized that the same issue will be there even if he's back, plus my trust to him has been broken and it's going to be very difficult to mend it.

 

So wish him the best, and live my life. I haven't felt so great for four months and today I feel like a new person. Still some grieving to do but it's so nice to let go...

[90_hour_sleep]

this thread is worthy of a 'multi-rep' function. everything that's been said is truly beautiful.

 

i don't know if there are 'believers' in karma out there...but basically, when you make a point of becoming actively aware of your negativity...and pursue avenues that allow you to show a level of compassion for another individual...at some point there will be a corresponding 'reward' in your own life. that's not to say compassion is to be used as a tool to provide for your own happiness...only that when you truly wish for another person's happiness without actively hoping for your own personal gain through that action...the fruit will come of it's own accord.

 

"a human being is part of a whole, called by us the 'Universe,' a part limited in time and space. he experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest---a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. this delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

 

-- Albert Einstein

 

"whatever joy there is in this world

all comes from desiring others to be happy,

and whatever suffering there is in this world

all comes from desiring myself to be happy."

 

-- Shantideva

 

simple, and yet impossible to deny the truth in it.

 

cheers

[journeynow]

Great quotes! Thanks 90_hour_sleep. Einstein...I keep finding spot on quotes by him.

"a human being is part of a whole, called by us the 'Universe,' a part limited in time and space. he experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest---a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. this delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. ourt task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compaaion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

 

-- Albert Einstein

 

"whatever joy there is in this world

all comes from desiring others to be happy,

and whatever suffering there is in this world

all comes from desiring myself to be happy."

 

-- Shantideva

[90_hour_sleep]

Great quotes! Thanks 90_hour_sleep. Einstein...I keep finding spot on quotes by him.

 

 

 

unfortunately, i think most people only know him for his other contributions to the world. the man was truly prolific...in many ways.

 

spot on...is spot on.

 

cheers

[JonasWaingaro]

 

unfortunately, i think most people only know him for his other contributions to the world. the man was truly prolific...in many ways.

 

spot on...is spot on.

 

cheers

 

Yep. Smart guy. I always liked this quote.

 

'Only a life lived for others is worth living' A. Einstein

[90_hour_sleep]

Yep. Smart guy. I always liked this quote.

 

'Only a life lived for others is worth living' A. Einstein

 

that's a good one. i wonder if he was a buddhist reincarnation...