Huge decision

[strawberry]

Hey all,

 

Ok, I need to make a huge decision that will affect my life for awhile by Monday and I need some opinions, please You guys are the best.

 

As you know, my ex and I broke up 3 months ago and I fled to Texas to stay with my family to get out of the drama involved. The drama entailed him going behind my back and pursuing someone else while we were still living together...I found out yesterday they are dating now. We didn't speak for 6 weeks then I received an email from him this am asking how I was and what we were going to do with our apt. (both our names are still on the lease).

 

I need to decide whether to stay in Texas for another 6 months or so (Ive been here for 3) to save money and get my head together (not just partially but fully) or go back to NY in two weeks and face the music which all the drama bs is still continuing. The job I have secured back at home is a gig that only lasts 4 weeks while I have 2 stable jobs out here in Texas that took me nearly two months to find. I do want to go back to NY though eventually. I would just rather be in a more stable place.

 

I guess I am stressing about this decision because as much as I dont want to admit this, I still love my ex boyfriend. I want to think somewhere in the back of his mind he is thinking about me (crazy I know). So I guess the real question is, if I stay in Texas longer than September, will he officially forget about me? Will we have more of a chance of reconciling if I go back to NY next month? If someone really loves you, does it matter how long you stay gone? I know I need to think about me and I'm trying. I just still care about him and I need your opinions.

 

help me!

[needadvice911]

You said the only reason why he contacted you was to find out about what you both were going to do with the apartment. He is dating his new girlfriend and he has moved on. I think you should take the trip back to NY immediately to take care of getting your name off of the lease ASAP that way if anything happens, like late rent or damaged to the apt. you wont have a bigger problem on your hands. Take a weekend to do this and then go back home to Texas and continue healing. But the responsibility you have right now is in NY, and the apartment. Your ex-boyfriend is not the main issue here the apartment is. I wouldn't want him to stiff you with rent or some big bill over there. So I definitly think you should go to NY but the main purpose is to square away this situation with the apartment. Then I think you should return to Texas ASAP and continue healing. There is no point in trying to change his mind. If he wanted to reconcile with you, the first thing he would have mentioned to you is how are you feeling? I'm sorry for everything, lets speak in person and work this out. I truly love you and care about you. Come back to NY. But he didn't he only wants to know what is going on with the apartment. Keep your head up high, go out there looking HOT, and don't pay him no mind. And keep a smile on your face hunny, but please continue your healing process.

 

I know it sux going through a break up, i am currently going through one myself, just be happy you wasnt married and there are no kids involved... good luck!

[metrogirl]

He's with someone else. I don't think you should be focusing on reconciling with him (as he would likely cheat again anyway). Can the issues with the apartment be settled while you are still in Texas? If they can, then I would do it that way.

[soheartbroken]

I have a similar decision to make. Move back with family and take some time off school to get away from my old city where the ex is (I wasn't really enjoying school anyway), or go back and face the music and at least try school.

 

I'm leaning toward healing at home for awhile. Cause finding out that she's doing great or dating someone would seriously jeopardize my studies. On the other hand, there is something to be said for facing the music!

 

In my case, I know my relationship is over, dead. I'm stuck on wanting to be friends at least (or at least part of her life), and I do wonder how leaving for four or more months would impact the chances. But we shouldn't be thinking about our exes. We should do what is best for us to heal.

[strawberry]

Needadvice,

He did ask how I was and that he was thinking about me. I know it probably wont work out. Im not banking on it or anything. I just wanted to know what had the better chance. Regardless,

Thanks for your advice.

[barrakuda]

I moved to NYC a month after my ex broke up with me to date someone else. we lived in a very small town in Fl (gainesville). And I felt horrible for that month. as soon as I moved to NY it was like a new life. and even though I still miss her I know that she is in the past. I think distance + time is the perfect mix for a break up.

 

So, yes, finish your business with the apartment and go back to Texas. they are gone with some one else, there is nothing we can do to change that.

[catfeeder]

I would stay in Texas if you can get papers sent to you to end the lease. NY will still be there after you're healed and whole; no sense in putting yourself through unnecessary drama for someone who is disloyal. Keep your dignity.

 

In your corner.

[divainpain]

Stability is more important. There is no music to face because you guys are broken up. Perhaps just go get your things and inform the manager you no longer live there and give proper notice. I don't think you have to be in contact with your ex during any of it. And I do believe security deposits could be split by the manager beforehand.

[chewy21]

I think I remember reading your story, Strawberry, and unless I'm mistaken you were in a long term relationship with this guy.

 

If that's the case, then you've gotta see that he was cheating on you before he broke it off - maybe not physically, but emotionally. So many people on here deny it and refuse to accept that it's possible - that their love could do something so cruel and inconsiderate. I was one of those people until just a few days ago, when I discovered that my ex-fiancee's new YouTube boyfriend had been receiving private videos from my fiancee for weeks before we broke up. (filmed in our own bedroom, nonetheless!)

 

I know you are looking for advice about what will be your best chance to reconcile, but I think a deeper self-inquiry is warranted here. Why does he deserve to have you back? What made life with you so unbearable that he had to seek comfort in another woman's arms? If there truly is a reason, do you want to be with someone who isn't willing to work things out? If there's not a good reason, why would you want to spend your life with someone so flaky and untrustworthy, who leaves at the drop of a hat?

 

I know that for me, it was an issue of self-worth. I felt like garbage, literally something someone tossed in a trash can after she left me. I couldn't imagine what I did so wrong to make her want someone else. I had to get her back to prove to myself that I wasn't worthless, that I could make her want to be with me. And then one night I really started thinking about what would happen if we did get back together. Would I be able to trust her? Would I be happy? Sure, I'd get the validation that I'd been lacking since she dumped me, but would things just go back to normal? The answer, of course, was no. Things couldn't be normal again. She broke the contract, she broke my trust, and she treated me like a stranger after I spent three years of my life living, working, and caring for her. I don't want ANYONE, much less a "partner", in my life who is capable of treating me that way.

 

So really consider that, Strawberry. The best way to replace that validation that we all lack after we're dumped is to find it in ourselves once again. Do some backtracking, some thinking, and be incredibly selfish for a change. Prove to yourself that you're perfectly fine without needing to win him back.

 

As far as the apartment goes, I'd get things done by mail if at all possible. Don't uproot your life yet again for a gig in NY that will only last a month (and is really just an excuse to throw yourself back into his life), when you have two steady jobs in your current location and the peace you need to really get your head on straight.

 

Good luck. I know you've been dealing with this for quite some time. And sorry about the crazy-long response. I guess I had a lot to say.

[FriendnorFoe]

Yea too often I tried to convince myself or give myself a reason to contact or run into my ex for the wrong reasons, fortunatley I didnt act on any of them but its like we are lying to ourselves masking our true motives.

[strawberry]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the responses. Chewy, Thank you especially. I am thankful for your great advice and the time you took to write it. I know I have to do what is best for me. I know it is over between us. I guess I just hate feeling like I am the one who is officially shoving it into the "over forever" category by staying away. I dont know. Its silly. But I hear what you all are saying.